As for me, I have bipolar disorder, the illness formerly known as manic depression, so I have ups as well as downs. Except it isn't that simple - I have ups that make me do stupid things like overspend or not sleep enough or drive other people crazy by refusing to sit still/shut up/acknowledge there's something wrong with my mood. Sometimes I have bad highs, when I'm psychotic and see/hear things that aren't there, these things that aren't there have made me do some pretty stupid things in the past too (though luckily it's only myself I've injured).
I've run the gamut of treatments, anti-depressants, mood-stabilisers, neuroleptics, tranqs, ECT (see below) and spent months at a time in hospital. But I'm not complaining, I'm lucky. I have a diagnosis, it fits, I'm getting help.
Right now I'm seeing two doctors, one for meds and one working on meds and my muddled psyche (good luck with that one!).
No-one has to go through it all alone anymore though, as there are a number of e-mail support groups on the net now, where support is available 24/7 for those who need it. The links section has info on how to subscribe to these groups as well as links to some of the best depression resources on the web.
If you think none of this applies to you, remember 1 in 3 people suffer a depressive episode in their lifetime. If that person isn't you it could be someone close to you - and they will need your support and understanding.
Some facts about my depression:
Diagnosis: Bipolar, formerly recurrent depression, or unspecified personality disorder.
Treatments: Antidepressants, mood stabilisers, neuroleptics, tranquilisers, therapy, ECT.
Hospitalisations: 4, 3 for depression and 1 for being flagrantly psychotic.
Current Medications: Topamax, Serenace (Haldol).
Past mood stabilisers: Tegretol, Epilim (Depakote), Lamictal, Lithium
Past Antidepressants: Prozac, Seroxat, Gamanil, Edronax, Prothiaden, Effexor, Cipramil, Zoloft, Anafranil, Zispin.
Past Neuroleptics: Mellaril, Risperdal, Zyprexa.
Past Tranquilisers: Valium & Lexotan.
This list will probably grow as the rollercoaster races on....
ECT
I suppose I should explain the procedure of ECT since so many people have such unfounded ideas about it. I had 4 treatments before Christmas in 1999. My doc and I decided on it since things had been so bleak. I only had 4 treatments since any more than that could have sent me flying into mania and I would have had to spend the holidays in a locked ward. Not a nice idea.
People talk about brain cells being destroyed, about memory loss etc. but in reality you only lose as many brain cells as you would getting drunk, and any memory loss is temporary and centred around the time of the ECT. I can still remeber the plot of "Fight Club" and I saw that right between 2 treatments.
So what happens to you? Well, you're given an anaesthetic, a temporary one, and current is passed through your brain. You convulse, but it can only be seen in your foot, so they take off one of your socks so they can see it : )
The machine they use looks like a car battery with an LCD display on the front, it has wires like the ones going to a telephone handset coming out of it, and ends in old-style bicycle handles with metal discs on the end. It kinda looks like something you could put together in your own garage. So anyway, they attach you to a heart monitor, smear some conductant gel on to your temples, knock you out, and shock you. You wake up missing a sock, with an oxygen mask over your mouth and a bit of a headache (it goes away with a couple of paracetamol).
I went in in the mornings and was back at my hospital by lunchtime. Some people even have it done as outpatients. In, zap, home again.
A few people from the hospital I was in had it done at the same time as me, and most of them felt better for it...I can't say how long it lasted for them....but I was really disappointed that i got to feel so good for such a brief period. I think I'd rather not have had that feel-good time as falling into depression again felt twice as bad as before. I remember thinking "I'm supposed to be in remission!" It seemed so unfair to have such a recent memory of wellness being whisked away...still, I guess that's life.
ECT Part 2
And then there was the second time I had ECT, not a lot of which I remember. I had either 7 or 9 treatments. I don't know which. I broke a tooth somewhere along the line. This was in November 2001. My friends tell me I was a different person during the treatments and depending on who you talk to they were either scared of or scared for me. I thought I was fine, but I knew it wasn't working and that's why it was stopped.
One of my friends talked to me about it recently and he got so upset he broke down and cried. Ouch. So I asked other people who were there at the time and the consensus was pretty much the same. That run of ECT was B-A-D.
I know I can't remember much of what happened around then, or much around that whole hospitalisation, and I was in hospital for 4 months so that's a big chunk of time. I'm missing other things too. Not from around then, random stuff. Don't know where it has all gone. Don't know if it'll come back. Just don't know.
And that's the thing about ECT, when it works, it works fast, it works well. But if it doesn't work, it screws you up. If it works once it may not work again. There's no way of knowing which way it's going to go. I read over my evangelical account now and cringe but I can't take it down because it was true.
All I can do is balance it with Part 2 which is also true and leave it all up to people to read and make up their own minds. All that I know is that a lot of people I care about have asked me never to have ECT again. And these people seldom ask much of me.
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