Its no use spending time, sitting around feeling sorry for one's self. It does no good, and indeed only makes things appear worse than what they are. Lets spend a little time, been less morbid and more happy. I know this will make one certain friend of mine very happy, as she is always asking me cheer things up in here. So I will. But first, let me tell you how things are currently in my life. My mind right now is whirling with all sort of new things....things that I cant get out of it, and new things that keep entering it. In all honestly, I reckon I'm pretty mixed up. It's like, I want to try everything, yet know in my mind what I really want. Why though, is it that I always strive for the impossible? Is it because I know that I will never really get it? And that it makes me feel safe? Is it perhaps that I strive for the unattainable? I dont know. Yet time after time, I find myself in this place. A place where I keep setting myself up for hurt, yet doing it anyway. Its not that I can't be happy, there are those that keep entering my life that want to make me happy, why then do I keep shunning them? This year has so far been so incredible. Its had its wonderful moments, its heart wrenching moments, but most of all, its been a time for reflection. And as I look back and reflect, I know that its time, to move in a positive direction. Maybe I should rename this page, "The Beginning Of Another Journey". But that would be silly, as every dawning of a new day is a new journey. Grab it people, every moment lost is lost to etenity. Every second wasted is wasted forever. So, this is a step in the right direction.
Pray that there are no regrets.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
I love thee with a passion put to use
Is there any question or doubt in you're mind
It's calling me, I hear my name, "My friend come take my hand.
If Father Time could come to me, and ask me what I wished,
These things are all important, but most important now to me,
I wouldn't ask for time to get the job at work complete.
As the days turn into weeks, the weeks into months and then the months into years, it's important that we learn from our mistakes. With everyday that passes, we ought to become wiser. Wiser by the experience that we gain along the way, but also wiser by learning from the mistakes we make. And show me one person out there that is perfect and does not make mistakes. There is no one. Turning 30 was something I looked towards with dread and horror. Sometimes I feel as if I need to act young to remain young, but who wants to throw away precious years of experience. And besides 30 is still young. It could be looked at (in my case anyway) as the start of something new and exciting. A whole new level of maturity.
This wicked little spell you weave
Bodies woven ---Intertwined
Fingertips that graze my flesh
Hearts in perfect, torrid beat
Tonight I'll make sweet love to you
A pathetic, angry loser
The universe awaited your birth.
Know who you are and follow the path that allows for
Look for what makes your heart quiver.
Joy will invade you as you give rein to that which is you
Love is everywhere, everything.
Express love in all you do
Its always so hard to accept that things change. I've never been one for change, but i'm learning to accept that if there is one thing that is constant, it would be change. And the more adaptable you are, the more able you are to cope with the forever changing world. Its heartsore sometimes, when you realize that things happen in your life only to run their course and come to an end. People that you meet, become close to and have to let go, sometimes, through no reason but just because. Sometimes, you will come across people that don't understand you. That don't understand certain things you do. But that doesn't make them wrong. Just different. We are all unique individuals, and we need to learn that people do think and act differently to ourselves. To accept that, and to understand that would open up so much more to contemplate in our little secluded worlds that we live in. To learn from them would also only be something to gain. Don't you think?
For no other reason except for the doubt
If all we could see was only the black
It's a road, your walking, filled with emptiness and strife
My wish to each and everyone of you for this coming new year is that your life be filled with Joy, Happiness, Contentment and most of all......dreams that are fulfilled
How do I love thee?....
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive to Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath
Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
~~© Elizabeth Barrett Browning~~
1770-1850
I dont know
The bitter pill, the wine, the song,
How long can I go on?
This feeling that you're out of reach
I wonder, do we belong?
The silent nights, the empty days,
Could this all be my fate?
Is it you, the one I love?
Or is it me I hate?
~~© Bernadette~~
23/09/2000
White walls
White walls around me, surround me still
Can you look over and see me within?
Can you play the Master, the breaker of this wall?
Or do I stay forever and wonder if it will fall?
That these walls around me, is what keeps me blind?
Maybe if we stop awhile, we'll see that it is true
That somewhere out, behind these walls the sun is shining through.
Let me be the one right now, to show you the Promised Land."
It could take forever, or it could take a day
But hidden behind these white walls, I know I will not stay.
~~© Bernadette~~
23/09/2000
If only for a moment
I know without a doubt in mind what would be on top of my list.
I wouldn't ask for time to save all the money that I can
I wouldn't beg for one more day to finish what I had planned.
Is to take back things I've said and done to those unintentionally.
If only for a moment, Father Time, I would ask you,
To take back time I've spent doing things I knew I should not do.
Or time to reach the target that they set for me to meet.
I'd ask that you take back the time I've spent unproductively
And I'll use it on the things I know are more important now to me.
~~© Bernadette~~
02/10/2000
Update
October 14, 2000
It seems though, I continue to bump my head. I continue to do the wrong things. Let me look at turning 30, as giving myself another chance, and this time I am going to do things right. If I dont do if for anyone but for my children.
Spellbound
You've bound me in thy grace
Nights of Tantra ---pure and free
Your arms -- My hiding place
Lost in fire and Lust
Pure Emotion flowing free
Unforbidden trust
Sensations fill my soul
Still the very thought of you
Makes me lose control
Breath quickened and free
Longing to be next to you
Passion consuming me
Like none you've yet to taste
I'll burn within your memory
A night you can't erase....
~~author unknown~~
Good Bye
Branded yet a fool
Tossed into a fantasy
Denying every rule
Drowning in the Promises
None of them were true
Waking up from a saddened sleep
Letting go of you
And though Goodbye shall break me
I have no other choice
I can't exist in meager dreams
Where my needs have no voice...
And as I walk away from you
I turn to you and say
I loved you with my very soul
But you threw it all away
~~author unknown~~
You are…
There never has been nor will there ever be
someone exactly like you.
You are unique.
No one can bring into being the thoughts, the beliefs,
the love, and the sharing that you can.
the expression of life that can only come from within you.
You can change the world.
You have at your command a vast array of talents,
perhaps as yet undiscovered,
ready to create that which you wish.
Look to make it better.
You feel that empathy because within you there is a knowledge
that reaches out from the depths of your soul,
answers struggling to be brought forth.
Listen.
and that which is highest and most noble.
Look to bring that joy to where joy is not.
Some people live within the darkness of their thoughts,
not knowing other realities are possible.
You need not search for it, simply recognize it.
The perfection of a drift of clouds,
the softness of a child’s hand holding yours,
a thirst-quenching drink of water,
the beauty of an old woman’s face,
the majesty of an oak tree --
They are all saying, “I love you” in their own way.
Let love overwhelm you.
from the humblest task to your highest aspiration.
Imagine a world where everyone did the same.
Help make it happen.
~~© "peacejoy"~~
Update
December 05, 2000
Its nearly Christmas time again. The time for giving. The time for Family and friends. A time to be thankful for what we have. Its been a while, I realize since ive entered anything in my journal, but there is so much going on in my mind. So many thoughts. So many questions. And so many things I still dont understand. Perhaps today, I will sit down and write some poetry to reflect my mood, perhaps not.
If there are no more entries in here till after Christmas, I would just like to wish you all a very very Merry Christmas and a blessed and happy 2001. May all your dreams come true.
For fear...
that clouds up your mind and won't let you out
For no other reason except for the fear
that eats up your mind and won't let you near
If these arn't your reasons then tell me today
did you even care when you turned away?
~~© Bernadette~~
05/12/2000
IF
Of our lives as we stand, always looking back
If all that we saw was only the night
Where darkness surrounds you and blocks out the light
If living is dictated by heart sore and hate
Regret for the past, always thinking its too late
If life is a burden of feelings of despair
Then perhaps it is time, to move forward if you dare.
Don't you know, there's much more, to this dead pointless life?
If we could look up, see what life has to give
Filled with promises of love, so much life left to live
If we could look deep into our souls then we'd see
Looking back's not the answer, but looking forward, that's the key
It's a long road this road, many travels I have had
It once more embraces me. I need only hold out my hand.
~~© Bernadette~~
18/12/2000
Happy 2001!!!
