After several encounters and adventures with random men in various lands, King Dragonbait was able to convince enough people to join his kingdom of Spamelot. Dragonbait’s kingdom enjoyed a long few years of success and had a fine castle, too. However, after the third year of Spamelot, trouble began to brew. The problem was that the great King Dragonbait had no queen and his knights were beginning to think he was gay. King Dragonbait absolutely had to find a king, I mean queen, before his knights started giving him soaps and perfumes as gifts instead of swords and armor.
So one day, King Dragonbait left Spamelot on his quest to find a king, I mean queen. He searched all of England only to find the worst smiles known to man. Since the only other place in the world he knew how to get to was France, Dragonbait decided to continue on his quest to the land of frogs. When he arrived, King Dragonbait learned of Lady Hotbody who was married to the Duke of Iniquity. Apparently, Lady Hotbody was the most beautiful and sought after damsel in France and probably the rest of the world. Sadly, her husband, the Duke of Iniquity, was the most evil duke to ever duke and was very protective. Despite all of this, King Dragonbait still wanted to meet Lady Hotbody. After months of traveling, King Dragonbait arrived at Lady Hotbody’s ridiculously huge castle. At the gate, he encountered a guard.
“Yes, hello guard,” said King Dragonbait, “I am King Dragonbait from the kingdom of Spamelot and I wish to speak with the duke and lady of this castle.”
“Who are you again?” asked the guard.
“Why, I am King Dragonbait of Spamelot.”
“Never heard of you,” replied the guard.
Looking a little offended, Dragonbait said, “You mean to tell me you have never heard of the great King Dragonbait of Spamelot?”
“Nope.”
“That’s impossible! I am known far and wide. You must know who I am!” said King Dragonbait.
“Hey,” said the guard, “don’t get mad at me just because I’ve never heard of you.”
“Well, I demand you to let me speak with the duke and lady of this castle!” said King Dragonbait.
“Fine, go ahead,” said the guard, “The duke’s gonna kill you anyway.”
Undaunted, King Dragonbait entered the castle. After getting lost several times and asking for directions three times, Dragonbait finally got to the throne room. Luckily, the duke was nowhere to be seen. The lady was by herself on her throne apparently just sitting around doing nothing. All the descriptions of Lady Hotbody that King Dragonbait heard were true and he immediately fell in love with her. He proceeded to introduce himself to the queen, “Good day, Lady Hotbody. I am King Dragonbait from the kingdom of Spamelot.”
After a long yawn, Lady Hotbody replied, “I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“It’s ok, Lady Hotbody. I said that I am King Dragonbait from the kingdom of Spamelot.” Unable to hide his true feelings, he let something else slip out, “Oh yeah, I’m madly in love with you after only seeing you for the first time. You must become my wife.”
Once Lady Hotbody stopped laughing and was able to catch her breath, she replied, “Well, thank you. There’s only one problem King Dragonbait. For you see, I’m married to the Duke of Iniquity.”
“Well,” said King Dragonbait searching for a solution, “I could kill him for you.”
Upon hearing this, Lady Hotbody began to laugh even harder. Showing no signs of stopping the laughter, King Dragonbait decided to leave Lady Hotbody alone for now. Since she never really said no to him about killing her husband, King Dragonbait decided to go through with it. He wanted to leave, but got lost again. So, the king figured he could find an uninhabited room in the enormous castle and hide in there for a while.
Each day, King Dragonbait would venture out of his room to find the Duke of Iniquity and challenge him to a death match for his wife. Yet with his bad sense of direction, he would just end up back in his room where he lived on rats and small bugs. This went on for about a month until one morning, Dragonbait took a left instead of his usual right out the door of his room and was able to get to the duke and lady’s bedroom. There, he found the Duke of Iniquity in his bed sleeping. Taking advantage of the moment, King Dragonbait swung Stumpneck’s ax and chopped off the duke’s head. Soon afterwards, Lady Hotbody ran in to find out what the noise was.
“Did you do this?” asked Lady Hotbody.
Proudly holding the bloody ax over his shoulder, King Dragonbait said, “Why yes I did. Is that a problem?”
“No, not at all,” replied Lady Hotbody.
After a long, awkward silence, Dragonbait said, “So, now that I have killed your husband, do you wanna marry me?”
“Yeah, I suppose,” said Lady Hotbody, “All the good kings are dying from the plague these days anyway.”
So, the great King Dragonbait and Lady Hotbody got married in France and the quest was now over. Dragonbait had found a queen and was ready to head back to his kingdom of Spamelot. To their dismay, Dragonbait and Hotbody came home only to find that Spamelot had been trashed and deserted. King Dragonbait found a note nailed to a door that read:
Dear King Dragonbait,
Sorry about your castle. We decided to throw a little party after you left and it got out of hand. Rather than clean up the place, we knights left to find a different castle. Besides, we didn’t like being knights for a gay king anyway.
Sincerely,
The Ex-Knights of Spamelot
P.S. We took the brooms with us.
With that, King Dragonbait burned the letter before Queen Hotbody could read it and started to clean up Spamelot. Instead of finding new knights, King Dragonbait opted to remain knight-less because they never did him any good anyway.
So from that point on, King Dragonbait and Queen Hotbody went on living alone without any knights for the rest of their lives. Nevertheless, their lives were still jam-packed with exciting adventures, like the time Dragonbait lost his sword. As for their medium-sized castle, Dragonbait and Hotbody kept it clean and rat-free. However, King Dragonbait left out a crucial detail when he first built it. Very much like King Dragonbait’s childhood castle, Spamelot, too, was built on a swamp and sank surprisingly quickly one night while King Dragonbait and Queen Hotbody were asleep inside of it.