"Tommy, a sleeping leg is a wooden log" - Coach Kenny
Once upon a time there was a gym teacher; a football coach; a man, named Kenny. It was during one football team pep talk during one football game halftime during one fateful night that this man, Kenny, was desparately trying to pump up his team. As he was energizing them, pleading if you will, he came up with the phrase, 'You guys'll never win if all you do is lose all the time'. With that he thought to himself. He decided he liked the sounds of that. Apparently so had his team, for that night and every night thereafter, they would march out onto the gridiron and concentrate on not losing. This success boosted Kenny's ego quite a few points, so he decided to try his hand at writing more slogans and catch phrases. So every night he would sit at his little mahogany desk in his dark wood paneled den in his basement next to his 'rumpus room' filled with various football memorabilia and other cherished sports heirlooms from yesteryear and he would write, using his original quote, now framed and hanging on his wall, for inspiration. And every night after he was done, he would store them in an archive. An archive in a filing cabinet. My friend Joe and I have found and pillaged that cabinet to bring you these, our self-titled Kenny-isms.
and now for the Kennyisms:
1. Drugs are the ointment to life
2. A druggy hidden is a druggy reality
3. Remember, winners never cheat, cheaters never win
4. In order to be a winning team, you need to be good
5. You're not a winner unless you have trophies to back you up
6. A winning team is a losing loser
7. Home Ec teaches women to be women, football teaches men to be men
8. Keep the ladies in the kitchen and you'll keep the kitchen in the ladies
9. Love can sometimes be blind, just like Ray Charles
10. Since gayness means being happy, I guess it's ok
11. Homosexuals are just guys who aren't any good at attracting women
12. Women activists are just women who haven't had enough loving at home
13. A girl in the bridal gown is a wife at home cleaning my pants
14. The Nazis were just mad because they didn't win the Super Bowl
15. You can learn a lot from the mesmerizing lyrics of Journey
16. The world will be a much better place once we land on the moon
17. I don't think there's no problem that can't be solved with a football game and nachos on a cold December morning
18. I remember my school days...pens were a commodity
19. If the Magic Hour was a great show, then I'm sure the Boomer Hour will be huge
20. I think Oprah knows a little too much for her own worth
21.Life is like one big football game. You always get pounded, but once in a while you get a 2-point conversion
22. On the football field of Life, you can't get traded, but you can sure get benched
23. There's nothing wrong with Mrs. Dash...I put it in my coffee
24. If Gilligan had a coconut radio, how come he didn't get off the island?
25. If Gilligan could make a coconut radio, how come he couldn't make a coconut helicopter to fly off the island?
26. I really wish they'd hurry up and invent those moving sidewalks like in the Jetsons because I don't feel like walking anymore
27. People shouldn't be so hard on Clinton...he was a good man...he told it like it is
28. I don't understand why Gandhi starved himself...if he wanted to lose weight, he could have eaten a MetRx bar
29. It's just my luck that Communism collapsed right before I was ready to head off to Russia
30. Immigrants are so insensitive...how would they like it if I went to their country and opened up shops and drove around in their cabs
31. I only take the advice of 2 men: John Madden and Joe Namath
32. You may be buddy-buddy with me when we're off the field, but once we get on the Grid, you're just an obstacle and you'll be eating sod before I miss a field goal
33. I guess the Raritan Rocket is a dud because we've been losing a hell of a lot of games recently
34. All these other teams have names like the Lions or Bears, and those animals are pretty scary...but the Rocket, now that's a tough animal
35. How could we possibly lose with Paul May on the team????
36.I believe in a Tri-Quarter defense. That's three quarters instead of four, because no one will expect it.
37. If the East Side is full of ghettos, then how were the Jeffersons moving on up?
38. In my opinion, no one has a better voice than Sebastian Bach, except maybe Dee Snider or Neil Young.
39. Why should they name toy bears after a president? In my opinion, Boomer Bears would sell much better.
40. Football players respect pigs, and pigs respect football players, because without pigs, there would be no football
41. If the Gods of Football turn their backs on you, watch out because you're gonna have one tough ride ahead of you.
42. I don't think there has ever been a better TV show then Coach
43. If Ronald Reagan was tough enough to go on the Gridiron, then you know he was one hell of a President.
44. The only reason why the XFL tanked was because it was just too advanced for us
45. I don't understand why they don't make quality shows on TV anymore. It seems like Titus is the only show worth watching anymore...
46. You guys have got to learn some manners...If only Mr. T was around...he'd show you all some respect
47. It seems as though I need to give you guys a motivational speech. Well here it goes...I guess the Raritan Rocket hasn't quite launched yet this season. Right now, all it's been doing is leaking jet fuel. Hey, you, clean it up.
48. My fantasy is probably different than yours. It's brown and made of pig skin and can only be found in one place, the Grid-Iron, or as I like to call it, God's Country.
49. A bad temper is like an eject button. If you use it right, it can get you out of any situation
50. Women are always complaining about labor pains. What about seeing your favorite team make it to the Super Bowl and lose? Now THAT'S real pain.
51. Girls are like Pringles in my opinion. Once you pop the fun don't stop.
52. I can't stand those independent, free-thinking women. I prefer more grounded, obedient women. In my opinion, women should be a lot less like the Pine-Sol lady and a lot more like Aunt Jemima.
53. Uncle Jemima was a lucky guy. I wish I was him. He must have had one hell of a breakfast every morning.
54. I don't understand why we don't get off from school on snow days. If snow is perfect for football, then it should be perfect for school, too.
55. Now, basketball isn't really my sport, but I don't think players should get penalized for fouling. If I created new rules for basketball, there would be no fouling, players would run with the ball instead of dribbling, and every pass would be overhead.
56. All these other sports have round balls. Anyone can catch a round ball. Now a football...that takes real skill to catch.