The Origin of Prozac
Hello friends, my name is Joshua Cabrera and I have a story for you. But first, I have something to tell you. I have just taken an extremely large dosage of Prozac. As you can imagine, it is quite an experience. Therefore, my writing may not seem normal. My story today is about Prozac and its origin. It all dates back to the early 1950's, when people were in black and white. Far out in the Pacific Ocean, there was a magical island called Parazekylmatia. The inhabitants of this island were none other than the magical Poots. They were funny little pink creatures that expressed only love and happiness. They led simple lives in their little huts, without TV's or shelving units or Barbra Streisand. One day they realized that the world was full of hatred and other bad juju. They decided that it was their mission to spread their happiness throughout all the world. They decided they would make a pill that, when consumed, would transform you into a mindless zombie only concerned with loving others. Their shaman, Bill, was in charge of constructing the pills. Then, Francis, their chief engineer in supersecret satellite intelligence, was put in charge of deploying them. So, Bill got to work on creating the pill. He figured that the only way to make people happy would be to have them consume something happy. As far as he knew, there was only one substance even close to that. So Bill did the only sane thing he could think of and began executing Poots. He figured that, by grinding them into dust, he could condense them into pill form. After fifty Poots had turned up missing, the head Poot, Claude, kicked Bill off the island. With nowhere to go, Bill moved to Miami, the failure capital of the world. He got a job cleaning the tanks at the Miami Aquarium. Claude was very upset by the killing of innocent Poots. After all, it went against everything they stood for. However, he couldn't think of any other way to keep people from fighting. So, he ordered all Poots over 30 years old to be shot and ground into dust. He had Bill's apprentice, Sam, put in charge of constructing the pills, and, before long, they had a million pills. In the meantime, Francis was busy building a machine that would deploy the pills. One of their satellites, Pootlab, would orbit the Earth and target people. The machine would hover 20 feet above its target. It would wait for the right time, and, when the target least expected it, it would fire the pill directly into the target's head. Then, if Francis' calculations were correct, the brain cells would absorb the pill and the victim would become happy. When Claude saw these plans he immediately ripped up the blueprints and kicked Francis off the island for such a stupid idea. Hurt, Francis moved in with Bill and got a job as an orange-picker for Tropicana. Claude decided then that there was only one way to dispense these pills. He would open a bodega in Queens. So he and a few other Poots went to Queens and opened a bodega. After three months, they had sold all their pills. After going back to Parazekylmatia and executing more Poots, there were enough pills to continue selling them. Then Claude had an idea. If the Poots opened more bodegas, they could spread their evil happiness more easily. And so, the Poots opened bodegas worldwide and they sold pills by the millions. They grew happier because people were becoming mindless zombies concerned only with love and happiness. Unfortunately, their celebrations were short lived. The Better Business Bureau got wind of their operations and decided to investigate. What they found was shocking. Three years after they started executing their own kind, the Poots had started special top secret facilities in the Midwest for growing Poots. At these "Poot farms", the births of Poots were controlled and they were fed special diets to increase pill productivity. The Poots were then executed by means of lethal injection. The bodies were then stored in a room where the poison could completely drain out. When the FBI came in to close down these Poot farms, they found that the ringleader, Claude, had vanished. A worldwide search was called on to find the evil mastermind. He was found two years later after a smuggling ring bust in the Philippines. He is currently facing life in a state penitentiary for the mentally unstable. The controversy that shook Parazekylmatia years ago has been all but forgotten. Today, the Poots carry on their traditional way of life. However, the horror of their past is still with them. So keep this in mind when you think of world peace... it isn't possible so don't bother being nice to anyone. As for me, I'm still feeling a little woozy.