Why do I do that? It limits the possibilities. It gives me the impression of control over the world around me, perhaps. Maybe I'm afraid to leave behind the security of the comfortable turf.
It's true figuratively, but of course I learned it this weekend in Tae Kwon Do practice. Sometimes you just have to jump. Realizing it is one thing, however doing it is quite another. I've been firmly rooted on the ground for a long time, and it's habit-forming. In the back of my head a constant soothing voice of identity says, "This is me, this is what I know." I imagine things beyond myself and my experience, but they are foreign objects, with about as much impact and reality as a television show.
Then I think about college. It exists out there, outside of my little world, floating in my imagination. I made casual contact with it for several years, but was always trying to wrestle it down into my own life, instead of diving into it. I think about martial arts, and how I worked hard at them for years and years, and then seemed to stagnate at one level after the momentum burns down and things start to get difficult with the schedule. There are many paths I have started along in my life, and stopped midway. Maybe I was afraid to fail. Maybe I was worried that the other things I was supporting would crumble if I moved too much. Maybe I really thought I could drag the whole world into my own life, instead of turning myself loose on the world.
Maybe none of that really matters, because if I want to fly, I have to leap first.
And I'm starting to think I want to fly.
It's crazy of me to have lived for so long on the concept that I could go out and conquer the world in my own way if only I tried hard enough. That's certainly never been true. Everyone is subject to the laws of nature, and affected by the rules of society. I shouldn't waste energy fighting it, I should use reason to navigate it.
So if I want to go to graduate school, I will need to go back to undergrad work, and actually play by the rules. I'll need to do all the things they tell me to do, without railing against it, even if I don't agree. One of the rules is that I will have to suck up and get to know some professors so that they will recommend me. I'll have to swallow my pride and do that. I'll have to lose some money and some sanity by always attending class. I'll be required to study and take standardized tests again, which I have always despised. I bet I would do a lot better on them if I wouldn't spend so much time wishing I didn't have to take them and believing they aren't a fair measure of knowlege or comprehension.
If I want to really learn the mental and physical disciplines of martial arts, I'll have to change the way I think of them, too. I'll stop trying to think of newer and better ways to avoid combative situations, and actually put my mind in the moment. I'll eat reasonably and organize my activities so I can have regular time to train. Like other true students, I'll seek out a few great masters and fellow students and give them my time and attention, not letting my outside life overtake me. I'll donate time to teaching as well as being a student, because to teach is the best way to learn.
These are all universal ideas, that everyone who is successful in these things knows, and it's time I started to adopt them. I always believed that the possibilities were out there, and that I could achieve anything I really wanted. Now I see that in order to do that, I will have to jump in and get my hands dirty. I'm sure this seems like it should be blindingly obvious to most people. I can't believe I didn't see it before now.
Well I suppose that's enough philsophy and analysis for one day. On to simple ramblings on life's comings and goings!
This weekend was another busy one for Forest and me. We both closed the mall on Friday, which was incredibly hectic, of course. Friday night we stayed out gaming until probably 4 AM, which wasn't too bright, and both woke up out of sorts on Saturday. Neither one of us could figure out what was bothering us. We weren't depressed, or angry; we just felt *off*. For want of any other panacaea, we walked down to the local coffee shop for sandwiches. It got us together enough to get to work, but we still hadn't resolved the problem.
One great revelation apeice later, we each realized that we have changed a lot in the last few months. Forest feels like there was a guy he used to be, who wasn't terribly happy, and was always restlessly searching for something to make everything else make sense. He knows he's still that same person, but he doesn't have that restlessness anymore, and it's a strange feeling. He says he feels as though he's left a large part of himself behind, very suddenly, without looking back.
I know I have had a lot of changes in myself, too. I used to cram every minute of my life full of people and events to make myself feel more satisfied. I lied to myself and many other people to make my life feel like it "fit" better. I was always trying to force everything to work for me. I searched for meaningful relationships but then kept people at a distance that was comfortable instead. I drifted around wondering what I should become, and never knowing whether I was on the right track or not.
Now, very suddenly, I don't do that stuff anymore. I don't cram my schedule, often when I'm free, I just go home and clean up around the house, work out, or relax. I make time for Forest and Kirstin. I don't lie to anyone, including myself... and it isn't difficult now, it comes naturally to be truthful, and I feel like I fit into my life just fine. I'm realizing that I have to play within the rules of the world, and not pretending to have great friendships with people to whom I have not taken the time to really relate.
We realized that we both used to be the kind of people who never wanted to be at home. We wanted to be out there, busy doing things, and either avoiding finding the answers or actively searching them out.
Today we are both the kind of people who go out and do our jobs, see our friends, play our games, and can't wait to get back home again. It's not because we have a great house in a quiet neighborhood, or because we have a kitten and a nice cozy bed. We're both at peace there, and feel safe there. It's not a place to live, it's our home. And the reason it's our home is not the stuff that's in it, but the people in it. There is just a pleasant accord that sprung up, quite without any effort on our parts. It's warm, welcoming, and makes us feel nurtured and cared for, even when we're bickering over silly things, or cranky in the morning.
We both felt much better, having figured this out, and were no longer out of sorts. As a matter of fact, we each realized that we were glad to have left some of the searching behind. Maybe we've found what we were looking for all along, or at least we've found something that suits in the meantime. It's a luxury too wonderful to ignore.
So we spent the rest of the day on Saturday smiling and floating around on Cloud Nine. We both worked in the nasty, busy mall, and were still smiling at the other end of it. Then we went out for pizza with Forest's sister and cousin, and I think we nauseated them with our continual stream of happiness.
Sunday morning found us quite ourselves, and still revelling in our happy discoveries. We worked another hellish shift, visited some relatives, and then fled back to our lovely home. There we played, learned a little from each other, chatted on for hours, and shared a bowl of chocolate ice cream concoction with peanut butter.
It was an exercise in being truly content, and was a complete success. I don't think I've been happier in my life. He echoed my thoughts this morning. I hope this lasts a very long time.
