I worry sometimes about letting Kirstin spend too much time with my mom. I've noticed a disturbing trend. I send my well-adjusted, mature 8-year-old to my mom for a night, and she comes back wetting her pants, sucking her thumb, and babytalking. I wonder if my mom is treating her like a baby, since she feels I'm trying to force her to be too grown up. My mom sees Kirstin acting like an 8-year-old should, she mourns the fact that Kirstin isn't a 4-year-old anymore. It makes my mom sad that that little-girl part of Kirstin's life has ended, and there's no going back. It irritates me no end.
Then again, I have always known my mom was stuck on the past. She's one of those people who just doesn't do a good job of putting things behind her, and is still personally affected in a very emotional way by things she remembers from when she was 12 years old. She also still talks about them, frequently.
I am blessed. I don't do that. Yes, I have a past, and not everything in it is pleasant. I choose, however, not to dwell in it. I look to my future for my answers, and trust that the ever-changing nature of the world will give me a fair balance of bad and good things in my life. I also don't believe that any one experience is purely bad, or good, so I don't spend years trying to justify the bad ones or asking "why me, why me." Somewhere along the way, I learned to accept things as they happen, and move on.
I earnestly wish I could teach my mother that idea, but I think she would need to come to it on her own.
I didn't sleep very well last night, because I'm being eaten alive by some invisible little bug when I'm sleeping, and the little red bumps that are everywhere itch like crazy. I know, it's not an image you want, but I'm afraid it affects me very deeply at the moment, since as the week moves on I'm becoming more and more sleep deprived. I'm driving poor Forest crazy. They are biting him, too, but the bites don't bother him so much, and he can sleep right through it, up until the point where I'm tossing and turning and sock him in the jaw. That pretty much interrupts whatever dream he might have been having.
Last night we moved a bunch of Forest's stuff from his brother's place to the ninja room. It's always interesting to see the kinds of things someone keeps around, things that mean something to him. The biggest peice of artwork he has is a print in korean characters (I think it's korean anyway) that translates as "kick the darkness until it bleeds light." A philosophy I myself have held many times. I think we're going to hang that in the ninja room. He's got a few photographs from his black belt ceremony, and a few extra martial arts uniforms. Over the years he's collected a whole slew of books, and kept a lot of his notes from various college classes. He's got some trophies and medals from tournaments. He has some clothes, a ticket stub from when we went to the Renaissance Faire together, a vase from the roses I gave him not too long ago. Hallelujah, the boy certainly isn't a hoarder of needless clutter, I can't stand clutter. It is refreshing to me to meet someone who says he doesn't care much about material gain, and possessions, and find out that he really means it, to an extreme degree. Granted, Forest knows what it's like to be poor, and never wants to live that way again. He's said that many times. He wants to make money, because he wants a nice place to live, and food to eat.
I do worry that I'm pretty expensive for him. He works his tail off, has two jobs already and will start a third job when it snows, and that doesn't count the 12 hours a week he spends teaching Tae Kwon Do. He's incredibly busy. I don't think I've seen him take an hour to himself to relax and read a book since I met him. I know it's starting to take a toll, because last night he was really stressing about money, and also worried because he didn't feel he had enough time to spend with me. He was actually in quite a low mood about it. When we talked about it, though, he wouldn't consider scaling back the work schedule. I know it costs more for him to live with me, because he has a 20 minute commute to work now. We tend to be in Lansing at the dinner hour, so we have to buy food on the road, which is always costly. The way we've arranged things is that I pay the bills, and he chips in a lump sum on them, and since he always has cash on hand, he covers our spending money for gas and food and stuff. I'll talk to him about it tonight, and see if we can't find some way to make it easier. I know what it's like to be juggling a pile of part-time jobs to make ends meet, and am really lucky that I don't have to do that anymore. I hope he will let me help him out. I hate to see him stressed. I'm cutting back my daily expenses, just in case I can wrestle some more cash into the situation and alleviate the concern. I hate money, but I understand it is a necessary evil.
Today I'm working two jobs myself, going straight from a day of system design to an evening being a monkey at the mall. It's a very strange transition, but at least I work in a place where it's useful to be a science-geek. I sell all sorts of telescopes and fountains because I can explain the idea of how a telescope works, and how a fountain can help humidify the air in your house. It's amazingly simple to do a good job there. Now it would be really nice if they would pay me.
I was supposed to get a check from the mall job last Friday, but it never showed. 'Tis the season, and I have shopping to do!! It would be handy to see that chunk of change.
I usually put up my Christmas tree and decorations the weekend after Thanksgiving, and am really looking forward to it this year. I have a chance to be really creative, since I'm in a new house with new possibilities. I have actual 6-inch-wide windowsills that I am considering decorating, and a hook on my front porch just begging for a wreath. My ceilings on the first floor are about 12 feet high, so I'm considering getting a really big tree. Forest seems to be pretty excited about it, too. I know he's already started buying presents, and he's been asking about where I think we should string lights and so on. I love that he's as into Christmas as I am. I think it's the one time of year that it's wonderful to be creative, and even childish once in a while, and I love to buy or make gifts for people.
I've been thinking a lot today about family, and what it means. Last night when we were moving Forest's stuff, his brother and sister were both around. They have a really interesting way of picking on each other. They're funny, and everyone is always laughing... and then a split-second later his brother is telling him about some terrible thing going on in his custodial battle, or his sister is venting how sad and lonely she has been since breaking up with her boyfriend. They're very open, and share these things with me, too. Forest says it's because he trusts me, so they trust me too. That's the way his family works. I guess it's the same reason his dad was willing to float me a loan on the water heater. I love his family, and admire how close they all are... but they sure have different ways of showing affection than I'm used to. If I wrestle or rough-tumble with Forest in their presence, they will pitch in on one side or another, and soon we are all in a pile on the floor or chasing each other around the ice cream shop. They all work together, and they all play together.
My family is very different. Affection is expressed in the hugs before you leave at the end of the visit. We have a lot of intellectual conversations, we joke together and play music together. We generally don't wrestle, and while we are confidants, it's generally not in a large group, it's usually in one-on-one situations. We really don't pick on each other as much as Forest's family, or use as much sarcasm. It's just a whole different feel.
What's strange is that I feel at home in his family, and he feels at home in mine.
I've always believed our society holds too strict a definition of the word 'family'. For instance, I consider Kirstin's dad and step-mom and half-brother to be family... we have a sort of tribal arrangement. I also consider some of my closest friends to be family members, since they are closer than my family in a lot of cases. Where do I fit Forest's family into the picture?
Well, I guess I just relax, avoid the labels, and see how things go.
