The cat's meow

This morning was my first experience taking Leeloo to the vet. I thoroughly dreaded it for about a week, and am amazed to report that she behaved wonderfully. I put her in her box, and she rode in the car without yowling. At the vet she didn't scratch, didn't hiss, didn't try to run away, and actually purred when she was getting her ears checked. What a crazy cat. She had all sorts of curiosity, and wanted to look around and explore a bit, but generally stayed right on the table where she belonged. It was amazing. I think she deserves a new cat-crack toy. (Read: catnip.)

This has been a sad few days. On Sunday I went to see the play that all my friends have been working on. Everyone was very uncomfortable around me, and it was instantly obvious. My old friend Bruce knew right away that something was terribly wrong, so I had the added unpleasantness of explaining everything to him, and making him all worried and sad. (Just what Bruce needs, I assure you. NOT.)

I went home feeling terrible, and moped around and was lonely and depressed and generally couldn't think of anything to make myself feel better. Forest came home and just held me for an hour or two, and then I went to bed, figuring I would feel better in the morning.

But in the morning I woke up with the realization that I have been overly cavalier about all of this. I made intellectual decisions, and boldly marched forward with them, determined to make everything work out okay. I don't need friends. I don't need anyone's approval. I don't care what anyone else thinks. I have a whole new life, I don't need to worry about the things I have left behind, right?

Well I was wrong. I can't just charge boldly forward and just forget my old life ever existed. I realized yesterday that no amount of new friends, new homes, and new lives can make up for what I have lost. I had great things in my old life that I don't want to give up! My friends are closer than my family, and I need them. They are very very important to me, and I *do* care what they think, and what they feel. They should know me better than I know myself, but I've somehow pushed them all away, and don't know how to get them back.

I miss my friends, I'm homesick for my old house. I miss being busy all the time with theatre and gaming. I've said many times in the last few weeks that I've been lonely. I don't think that's quite accurate. It's much more correct to say that I've been isolated from some very specific people I love.

I tend to be an analytical person. I look for the root of the problem and try to solve it. In this case though, there's no way to do that. Because I know that I caused all the problems with decisions that I made. The scientist in me would troubleshoot the situation quickly and say that I should just switch all those decisions to ones that will make everyone happy again.

But I can't just reverse all my decisions and make everything all better, because of course bridges have been burned, and there's no going back. Besides, I wouldn't want to erase the things I've done, because at the heart of it all was truth. I know that I didn't do it gracefully, but I did the right thing. And in my heart I know that my friends understood what I did and why I did it. I think they mostly object to the WAY I did things and the motivations they think I had.

So the analytical method fails utterly. So I decided to take a risk on bugging people and sent some email. Shelly and I are talking, which is good. Jeff and I talked enough to resolve at least some things, which is good.

I wish I knew what else I should be doing.

Work today is insane. The entire State of Michigan network is down, and I'm dealing with the fallout. Of course, I can't fix it, that's up to Ameritech and some upperups at the State. I just get to sit here and field all the inquiries from frustrated people who can't access anything. This is just what I didn't need while I'm still short-staffed and swamped. I'm also guilt-tripping, because when I went out to my car at about 11 o'clock, I discovered that my munchkin had left her lunchbox in the backseat when I dropped her off for school. Bad parent that I am, I had no idea that she'd be going hungry until it was far too late to do anything about it. I hate when I screw up little things like that. Parenting has enough huge obstacles and challenges and mind games and disciplines that you forget to worry about the little things sometimes, and then you feel terrible about it. So this morning I'm really glad we went over the spelling list 5 times and I gave a motivational lecture on the way to school, carefully not belittling her, carefully building confidence, carefully encouraging the right behavior with all sorts of positive messages. Carefully not punishing for yesterday's mistakes but encouraging change for today. So then I forget to FEED her. DUH!!!