Friday night's date seemed to go well, but Boyfriend couldn't seem to relax. He was so wound up that he still felt alien to me. We had a nice dinner, and he gave me my birthday present early, and a big bunch of flowers. Once again he pressured me for answers to questions about our relationship that I wasn't ready to give, and once again I felt incredibly guilty for squelching his hopes.
Then, like an idiot, I agree to go see Runaway Bride. That's right. A movie that basically says "everyone in the world has to get married. Right away."
Of course Boyfriend got all drippy and romantic, and I cringed a lot. We went for a milkshake, and happily the evening ended without my completely getting pissed off at the constant pressure of his amorousness.
He wants me to be a close friend again, and he wants to be madly in love with me. So why doesn't he respect my wishes for a while? Isn't that what a friend should do? It's as though he's saying *his* feelings are important, and mine are irrelevant. I feel as though all this pressuring is driving me farther away, not bringing us closer together. He just wants so much from me, and I want to spend some time healing and forgetting his previous transgressions, and then maybe consider starting from the beginning.
The only topics of conversation he seems to be interested in now are the depths of his feelings for me, and questions about my deepest emotions. I wish I could just talk to him like friends ordinarily do. There's no joking around, no talk of work or the weather, no humor, no wit. It's not the Boyfriend I'm used to, and it's not in the right place for me at all. He wants to be the great lover of my life already, and I want him to start out as my friend and then take me on a few dates, and I can decide then if it will go any further.
That's a pretty huge difference between what I want and what he wants.
After our date I had a hard time sleeping. Then morning came way too early, and I helped Forest and his dad install my hot water heater.
Plumbing is hard. And it's not much fun. It took a few hours, but thank heavens, my house now has all sorts of hot water! Forest's dad really impresses me. He is a really nice man, but more importantly than that, he's not afraid to openly love his adult son. The two of them are the closest father and son I have ever met. They talk alike, and confide everything in each other. It's a truly great friendship. The funny thing about it is that they are so much alike, and probably 20 years apart in age. His dad must be truly open-minded, and able to keep a youthful perspective.
After a long, very hot shower, I did laundry all afternoon on Saturday and went to Boyfriend's house as promised to play games with all our friends. It was really nice to see everyone, and I almost wished we weren't gaming so that we could just chat more. The sad thing is that I fell asleep around 10 at night, and couldn't seem to stay awake after that, so I shuffled off to bed.
First thing in the morning, boyfriend is waking me up (big mistake number one... always let sleeping dogs lie) wanting to talk about our relationship (big mistake number two... never assume that when you have woken someone from deep sleep they will want to have a meaninful conversation with you). He basically had me cornered in the bed, and started in on his usual stuff, with no respect for my wishes that he chill out a bit. Suddenly he has decided he wants to learn about my religion, read my favorite books. He wants me to teach him Yoga and Aikido. Suddenly he wants to put himself into every corner of my life. He wants to come over every morning and go running together.
Of course at that ungodly morning hour I wasn't interested in any of this, but rather wished for an escape. I politely answered his questions and politely told him that his major personality change was frightening to me, and that I wished he would relax. I'm worried that all of this is an act, that he is just being what he thinks I want him to be, not who he really is. I don't think he knows who he really is.
I finally got out of there, and went shopping and blew all sorts of unneccessary money just to assuage my feelings of confusion and guilt. But my dining room now has curtains, damnit. I went home and decorated the whole dining room, with a table cloth and a runner, and curtains that will keep the sun from blinding us during dinner. It was a satisfying mission. Then I decided to blow town. I was tired of always being where everyone could find me, and wanted to shut off the constant flow of unwanted attention and affection. So I tossed my camping stuff in the van and split. I had a very nice time, and no one bothered me at all. Well, boyfriend left me two voice mails, but I had the good grace to ignore them.
I didn't get back until very late last night, and was very very very tired, but Forest needed a pal, so we stayed up even later. We talked for a while, and then, both feeling a need for focused concentration, we played at Tae Kwon Do until almost 2 a.m.. I almost have a respectable reverse round kick, although it isn't reliable yet. Sometimes it's hard to learn these things outside of a class setting, though. In martial arts you can usually let your sensiblities follow the mob mentality. Your body learns without your brain having to do any of the work, because you are subconsciously following along with the other students. I'm getting individual lessons, though, which is really tough. I have to concentrate on not just moving through the motions and going to basic right directions, but on every minute detail of each move. The angle of the hip, the toe, and the fist. Speed, balance, and aim. It requires a great deal of mental energy, which last night felt really great. Don't get me wrong, there are wonderful things about one-on-one instruction. I'm not allowed to learn something wrong or make bad habits. I don't have to wait to ask a question, and I get to move along at my own pace. I also think Forest is a good teacher. He tells me outright when something sucks and how to fix it, and he's also good at praise when I get something right. A good teacher is hard to come by. Then again, I think good teachers make good teachers and perpetuate great teaching. I learned Aikido from the same man who taught Forest Tae Kwon Do. Master Kim is an excellent teacher, and has a way of impressing that onto his students. It's one of the reasons I can so instantly trust Forest. We both were trained in very similar ways.
So, completely mentally and physically exhausted, I sacked out for a short night's sleep, since I had to work this morning as always.
Of course, before my alarm was set to go off, Boyfriend is pounding on my door again, ready with his usual batch of morning questions and accusations. Forest (who can sleep through anything) was asleep on the couch, which of course was upsetting to Boyfriend, as was my sleepiness and bluntness.
I am not a morning person, and I told him to stop pestering me every morning. It's driving me insane. Of course I was blunt! He's lucky I didn't drive him off the porch with a baseball bat. Grr.
So here I am at work, tired, and highly wishing that he would NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT show up at my house tomorrow morning. I'm so tired of all of this crap. If he can't respect my needs, my polite requests, my outright DEMANDS, how can he be my friend, much less my boyfriend? Is he so dense that he just can't listen to what I say to him? I'm not making this a mystery. The words "You have got to stop doing this to me. I don't want guests in the morning before work" have been said numerous times. I think that's a pretty direct way of saying I don't want him to come by like that.
It's infuriating.
