This has been a pretty great couple of days for me. I had several concerns about announcing our engagement, and they have all been put to rest! Forest and I were worried about Kirstin's reaction. We thought she'd be happy, but we couldn't be positive; thank heavens, her dad reports she is still on cloud nine two days later. It's the happiest we've seen her in years. One worry gone. (Matter of fact, her level of elation has exceeded my expectations. She's at least as thrilled about it as I am!)
I was concerned about my mom. I can't remember ever making a major decision in my life that she approached without trepidation. She's always worried about one thing or another, always questioning my choices. I know that she only questions me because she loves me and wants me to make the 'right choices' and avoid unnecessary pain. Still, I feel a need to stand on my own two feet and choose things, so I almost always plan some way of presenting things carefully to my mom.
This time I didn't have a plan, I just wanted her to be happy for us, period. It's a good thing I didn't waste energy on worrying about it, because she was VERY happy. I'm thrilled at how pleased she is, actually! It feels really good to have done something which earned her wholehearted approval.
Another minor concern was for myself. I've never experienced one instant of self-doubt regarding this decision. I know at my core that marrying Forest is absolutely the right thing to do; he's just the perfect match for me. He fits. I was slightly afraid that announcing an engagement to the world would put pressure on me; I have a habit of trying to make things more perfect than they already are, and thus being slightly dishonest with myself and the world. If I'm slightly dishonest, I open the door to self-doubt, and undo all the work I've done in the past year to avoid misleading myself or others; to just be myself and no more, no less.
On the contrary, everything with Forest and our engagement and our small family is as wonderful as it should be without tempting me to exaggerate. We've had our rough moments, but they have added to the amount of patience and resilience I feel between us, and they don't hurt me in any way. I don't feel pressured by people's eyes on our relationship; I feel a quiet sort of pride in what's already there. All in one package - failures and successes together, it's a very comfortable thing to share with people.
I was also a little concerned about my dad, because he hasn't gotten to spend much time with Forest, and I didn't know how comfortable he'd be with a future son-in-law who he doesn't know all that well. It seems, however, that my dad really enjoyed his time with Forest, and really likes him. No need for worry there.
Of course I hoped my friends would be happy for me; and I've never really talked to them about the possibility of a LONG term future with Forest. I didn't know what they really thought about it (not that it would have affected my choices.) To my relief, they have been full of good wishes, too.
Actually, I can't believe how wonderful it feels to have the unanimous support of my friends and family.
And while I usually don't write about journalling, I have to admit that it's been wonderful to hear such nice things from you, too. The ideas that contributed to this great relationship and happy outcome all started here; I feel that writing has really helped me to grow in the past few years in preparation for what was to come. It was very hard for me to keep word of our plans to announce our engagement from these pages; that's why I made such a long and involved 'Wedding Planning' page. It had to go somewhere. I knew that I'd be sort of springing the suprise on my readers as I did on my family. I don't really expect reactions from you; but it was a pleasant suprise to hear good wishes from people I barely know, yet confide in so frequently. I appreciate everyone's beautiful letters.
It's wierd walking around with a ring on my finger. I'm still twiddling it around, trying to get used to having it there. I haven't worn jewelry in at least 5 years, particularly on my hands. I'm a martial artist, we don't tend to do that. I'll have to remember to take it off for practice, definitely. I'll also have to learn to stop looking at it whenever it catches my eye; it can be a little distracting!
Work this week is stressful. My boss and my boss's boss are both out of town all week, so basically I'm in charge of everything. I've already had to change the ruleset on our firewall in a way I'd never done before, and inherited a whole bunch of meetings and a pile of papers to sign. I even have to sign off on payroll this week; I've never done that before. In a way, though, I'm happy that I get to show that I can handle these things. I've been at the helm for two days, and no major problems have occurred. In fact, everything is running along very smoothly. I even think I handled the political stuff that sprung up correctly. It's amazing, and makes me feel pretty good about my work life.
I feel pretty good about life in general, in fact. Last night Forest and I snuggled up on the couch and were lovey in front of Lethal Weapon 3. (Yes, we're watching all of them in sequence.) We were downright doting on each other, and being thankful for everyone's positive reactions to our life together. We went to bed pretty early (I think Forest has an ear infection) and I was too excited to sleep. The combination of hot, sticky weather, many exciting thoughts, killer kittens, caffeine too late and night and itchy skin (thank you pityriasis) kept me awake for most of the night. I honestly couldn't open my eyes this morning until I was halfway through the shower. The lids were just too heavy.
Today I've been giving some thought to attendants. I really want to honor Kirstin in some way, but I'm not sure how to do it. I'd like her to be something special, not inserted into one of the traditional wedding roles. Or maybe she can be my maid of honor? I also want to include Kathy (Kirstin's stepmom), who has been such a strong co-parent, probably as a bridesmaid. I think it would be good for Kirstin to have Kathy's support there, and tie us all the more closely as a family unit. Allyn (Kirstin's half brother) will be our ring bearer, and I'm considering asking Bill to serve as master of ceremonies, and he'll probably be bagpiping at some point, too. I'd like to have both of my sisters as bridesmaids, because this is something the three of us did for Karen's wedding that I think we should continue for mine and Laura's. It brings us closer together.
So at last count I already have a large wedding party, and it's just family. I don't think I can afford to outfit any more people than that. Maybe I can think of some other way to honor my close friends? Hmm. It sure takes some thought. I really want to include Yeffy, Reagan, Andy, Shelly, and Tiffiny somehow.
Maybe I'll ask them to share a talent. Reagan's a great artist, maybe I'll beg her to design us a beautiful program, and signs and so on. I can commission Yeffy to write us a poem and read it for everyone. Maybe Andy would advise me on all the flowers I'm planning to use (I'm actually going to use beds of pansies and fragrant wildflowers carefully, to serve the dual purpose of decoration and attracting insects away from the people.) I could ask Shelly to help write parts of the ceremony. She's a really great writer.
Then again, all of those things honor one single part of the person, not the whole person, and they are work!!
Pooh. Maybe I'll honor them instead by hiring manservants to carry them around on their shoulders and feed them grapes all day.
Or maybe I'll tell them to wear their own nice clothes and march all 5 of them down the aisle ahead of us, like our parents will be. (I think we're planning to have our parents follow us in, so we can seat them each ourselves. Why shouldn't I do that with a half dozen friends, too?)
On a separate note, I'm finally closing my silly mortgage this Thursday. Thank heavens that's over with. Refinancing ANYTHING is a pain in the butt. If there's anything that the ever-cheerful Tara at the bank doesn't know about me, I would be really suprised. Don't get me wrong, she has been very nice, helpful, and informative. I just think some of the information she's required to get from me is ridiculous. Still, I have sent them everything they asked for promptly and thouroughly. I hope it helps in the end.
Forest and I are meeting after work to play Gauntlet at Pinball Pete's and go to dinner. We've gotten quite hooked on Gauntlet, actually. It's fun, doesn't require a lot of skill, and we get to be a team instead of competing with each other. We tend to meet there before I go to rehearsal, and it's a blast. We probably shouldn't be chucking so many quarters in there, but it's great fun!
