Yesterday I went out on a limb, and actually called a realtor looking for some help finding housing. There is a house listed for sale that isn't very far from Kirstin's dad's place... so I offered to take a Lease Option on it. The realtor was nice, but hasn't called me back yet. I guess she has to wait until the owners get back into town to ask them about it. Apparently it might be a nice way for me to have a place to rent for a while, and build up a down payment so I could maybe buy a place some day. I've got my fingers crossed. Of course, this is a home that I haven't seen before... and it won't be out in the country like I wanted to be. Otherwise, though, it sounds like it may suit my needs. It's three bedrooms, a 1-car garage, first floor laundry, 1 bathroom. It has a fireplace, which is a plus, and a "large kitchen" which means I might be able to put a dinette in there and make the dining area into something else. It doesn't sound like it has a basement, so storage might be a problem. Then again, maybe I can store some things in the garage.
Anyway, I think it's pretty exciting. I'll keep an eye on the paper for any other possibilities like this... and ask the realtor if she knows any other sellers that might be interested. I wish I knew more about the whole process, but there isn't a lot of information on the internet about it at all.
Last night in bed I told my roomie that I was worried that if I didn't live with him there wouldn't be room for me in his life. He just keeps getting busier and busier, and I know I'm not the top priority for him. I wouldn't ask him to stop directing or doing any of his activities. I might prefer, however, that he had thought of me before adopting yet another responsibility. He announced last night just as we were crawling into bed that he will be teaching community education courses next fall and spring. Stunned, I asked him when he would have time to do this, since he is already directing shows those seasons, which is a five-night-per-week plus commitment. Apparently he plans to spend his Saturdays teaching.
I was too tired to get mad, so I got sad instead. I really hope that when he gets sick of me following him around he has enough respect for me to actually tell me he doesn't want me anymore, and let me save a little dignity. I feel like I am being dumped, a half-ounce at a time. You see, the odds of my being cast in his movie and all of his shows are minimal at best, and that's the only time I can think of where we will be forced to spend time together. The rest of it will be voluntary, and I (being the only one with a car...) will be forced to constantly call, and ask if he wants to do something. I'm also the one who will get weepy on birthdays and holidays and invite him over. I just foresee it all becoming very one-sided.
So last night I told him that if he could give me *any* reassurances that we were more than friends and bed companions, I would feel better about the whole thing, because then I would know I wasn't being dumped, and that the better times would come later. I can accept that. Of course, he says he is not the type of person to provide false reassurances. He doesn't want a relationship because thinks he might fail at it again.
So I pretty much am left in despair, because I don't think anyone is *ever* sure they won't fail. Sometimes I wish I lived on another planet.
