Hence it pipes straight into my subconscious and sticks there like fresh bazooka chewing gum.
I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango...
I've been looking around for audition opportunities with no luck. LCP and Riverwalk both just cast their next shows; I missed the auditions by a day in both cases. While I was browsing around, though, I saw a really cool position open at the MSU Department of Theatre. They're looking for a publicity coordinator for all their productions. I think it sounds like great fun, and it's right up my alley. Of course, here I sit with a mortgage and a sort-of career in a completely different field; but I'm still tempted to apply. It takes a lot to shake me loose enough to even consider disturbing my current financial stability. A full-time job at MSU, though, would mean that I could finish my degree without paying any tuition, all the while having benefits comparable to the ones I already have. It would probably mean a cut in pay, but it might be worth it if I can do something to help myself toward my future.
I'm inclined to think that IT probably is not a good long-term career for me. I could sit right here and tread water for years, if I wanted to, but I'd never get promoted, never gain any grand new titles. I lack the dedication to go home and spend hours of my free time brooding over technical manuals, and studying for Microsoft and Cisco certification tests. I've got the time, but I just don't learn that well from memorizing manuals, and after a while it starts to drive me nuts. Every time I try it (they call it 'career skills enrichment') I end up throwing the manual down in disgust and abandoning it for months at a time. It's really that annoying. I also just plain don't care enough about Microsoft to read all their stupid manuals and memorize silly facts about how they were founded, and what the HKEY defaults were in Windows 95. It's just plain irrelevant, but it's on the MCSE tests.
That's the other thing. Those certifications are a bitch to get. I could slave away in my spare time and do nothing else for two years straight, and I might complete 8 of those tests. Each test would cost me about $100 to take, and none of it would provide me with any hands-on experience. I'd still have to run back to the books and look stuff up when there are problems, just like I do now.
See. This attitude is why I will never go anywhere in IT.
You know, I'd really enjoy teaching grammar and composition, though. And theatre. Or maybe I could someday make a living teaching Taekwondo, or maybe I should go out and learn to be a great Yogi or something. I love to teach people things. I'd say I'd like to be a music teacher, but I know better than that. People playing out of tune drive me INSANE, and I don't think I could handle the constant noise level.
It's odd how you return to what you know. My dad taught for 15 years, and my mom is still teaching. I also have two aunts, two grandmas, an uncle, and many friends who teach. I've been a teaching assistant many times. I know what they go through every day, and what their lives are like. I know the struggle between union and management, and the pain in the ass that they have every year getting their contracts signed. I'm familiar with the silly politics in school, dealings with the school board, and hassles over curricula. I even remember the squawks every year when the standardized tests were about to be presented, and everyone was scrambling to stuff that last tidbit of information into their students' heads.
All these things aside, it's still something I would love to do. It'd be a cut in pay, but that's alright. Unfortunately, I've probably screwed up whatever chance I had of being a teacher by screwing around so much in college. I changed majors a zillion times, and consistently got mediocre grades. I've flunked a few classes in my time, and don't have many shining recommendations from professors, or evidence that I'm an interested student who participates in class. I went to school for 8 years and have enough credits to graduate, but not nearly enough specific requirements satisfied. I've got $9,000 in student loans I'm paying off with nothing to show for them, and have already spent more than $45,000 on my go-nowhere education. To my university I probably look like a classic case of 'doesn't have a clue what she's doing'. Chances are that isn't a quality they seek out in a teacher.
So other than pipe dreams of teaching, I'd still kind of like to get into sports medicine or physical therapy of some sort. Those are really competitive fields, but actually my grades in hard science aren't nearly as bad as the ones in classes I was less interested in. They aren't stellar, but they don't suck. With a little work and some serious reminders of classes long past I could probably do pretty well on the graduate school admission tests, except for the advanced organic chemistry which to this day blows my mind.
And of course I'd love to finish my degree, except that I don't qualify for much student aid, and can't afford to pay for my own tuition. The classes I'd need to take to graduate are also stuck smack in the middle of my work day, which would cause some problems with my employers. I'm allowed 5 hours per week off for training/school purposes if they benefit my work with the Institute. Since I work in IT, my degree program in kinesiology and zoology probably don't benefit my employer much.
I guess I could ask them just how important it is to them that I have alphabet soup after my name.
Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very fright'ning me
(Galileo) Galileo (Galileo) Galileo, Galileo figaro...
I shouldn't forget Forest when I talk of these things. He's supportive of my finishing school, and if he and I are still together in the future (which at this point looks pretty likely), I know he'd help me get through. I've no reason to despair. I just need to be patient.
I love him so much. Yesterday I had a long and ucky day at work, after which I plodded home in hopes of a long, quiet snuggle with my honey. I pulled into the driveway and marvelled at the nice job he'd done mowing our lawn. It had been very tall, and I'm sure it took a lot of sweat and hard work. I came in the back door and shouted, "Hey hon, the yard looks great! Thanks."
He said "Hey, hon", a usual greeting, from the bathtub, where he was soaking away the remains of the grass clippings. We chatted for a bit about plans for the weekend, and then after a long read and soak, we showered together. Then, shmuck that I am, I started to poke fun at his extreme descriptions of what a bitch it had been to mow that lawn. I know it was a lot of hard work, but I thought he was joking around. He wasn't. He got really upset, and thought I was belittling his efforts, after he had spent his whole day off slaving around the yard in stiflingly humid conditions when his athsma was acting up. He hadn't heard me thank him when I came in the door, and thought I was ignoring his contributions.
It sucked. I felt like a total bitch, and tried to make it up to him. Sweetling that he is, he forgave me right away, and settled in for a nap, later explaining that he was just tired, and grumpy.
What kills me is that I hate that I did that to him. I know what it feels like to feel unappreciated. No matter how hard I try to just do things because they need to be done, it still makes me flinch when I don't feel my efforts matter to anyone else. Last weekend I spent many hours on Saturday scrubbing, cleaning, putting away, organizing, and otherwise putting our house in order. When Forest got home he didn't say anything, because he was too involved in the company that was coming over. Then the next morning he asked if I'd please pay more attention to the laundry.
I know that he didn't mean anything by it; just as I didn't mean anything by underplaying his efforts with the lawn. Still, I know that I had to make a conscious choice to be big about that, and remember that it doesn't matter whether I did it or anyone else, just that it got done. I didn't do it for credit or praise, I did it so the house would be clean. If I don't make a conscious effort to think those things, it hurts my feelings when no one notices the work that I do. I could go off and become a martyr for all of my free time that I spend folding laundry, scrubbing woodwork, or digging fences; but I choose not to take that path, because I think it's descructive. Last night I was tempted to fire back at Forest, starting the cycle of "well, *you* didn't appreciate it when *I* did XX..." but I refrained and I'm proud of it, and I don't feel the slightest bit wrong for not following that train of thought. Instead, I agreed that I ought to have been a little more nice about it, and gave him hugs and kisses and expressed my belated gratitude. It feels good to be a grownup sometimes.
Besides, I can give credit to Forest for knowing what it feels like to do all that work, and his thanks can go unsaid. When I'm secure and grownup in mindset, I know he appreciates my efforts. I think when he's not grumpy and tired he knows I appreciate his, too. This was something we actually talked about when we first got together; avoiding martyring each other. We're not going to do it.
Magnifico I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me
He's just a poor boy from a poor family,
Spare him his life from this monstrosity...
He called me this morning to tell me how much he loves me, and how he's been cuddling Eilonwy all morning. What an adorable sweetheart he is. Today he's off, and I made sure that I did laundry and folded it before I left home this morning so he wouldn't have to. He thanked me for being so good to him, and made me feel positively special and thoughtful, and all those nice warm things. I love my Forest.
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go
Bismillah! No, we will not let you go
(Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go
(Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go
(Let me go) Will not let you go
(Let me go) Will not let you go (Let me go) Ah
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Last night was gaming night, and after our naps we proceeded to Yeffy's house, a bit tired, but generally looking forward to the evening. We weren't disappointed. It was nice to see everyone, and there was lots of laughter for all last night. Shelly looks great in her new glasses, and seemed to be in a silly sort of mood, and Andy was right there with her. It was infectious, and soon enough Forest and I were both light of spirit. It helped that we ordered some food, since neither of us had eaten substantially all day. The only trouble was that halfway through the evening, I started to get really really stiff. This happens after a hard night of taekwondo when I spend the whole next day sitting on my duff. Happily I had Forest there, and could have him stretch me out. It led to all kinds of silliness with Yeffy watching us stretch, and making lewd comments, which made me laugh. I love Yeffy. (And yes, Forest is really really flexible. Hee.)
(Oh mama mia, mama mia) Mama mia, let me go
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me
The good news from last night is that Andy got cast in Proposals at LCP! That'll be really cool for him. I can't wait to go see it. I love my Andy, and I'm glad to see he's enjoying theatre so much. Actually, he and Shelly both have gotten really involved in it. Theatre is a great thing for a couple to have in common. Its something couples can work toward together sometimes and separately sometimes, and enjoy each other's work. They can come and go from it at any point in their lives, whenever they feel the need for it or want to do it. You can be just as much a theatre couple at ages 80 and 82 as you are at 20 and 22, with a little energy and perspective. Theatre is also a great way to meet other people, and to vent creativity and emotions. I'm happy for Andy and Shelly.
Ack. Must stop self from typing any more Bohemian Rhapsody. See ya.
