On the other hand, I'm hugely happy to have Kirstin back. She's been with her dad for almost three weeks, and we have visited a little bit, but have missed each other a lot. She will now be staying with me for three weeks straight while she finishes up with school. I'm considering doing some fun things with her, but I don't think Memorial Day Weekend is a good one for going out and about. Everything is so crowded on holidays.
I just got done reading the greatest book! I can't stop thinking about it. It's not one I usually would have purchased, but I stumbled across it in a little book shop up North, and just had to have it. It's One Thousand White Women by Jim Fergus. It's a very enjoyable and engrossing story, and I'm sorry to say I plowed through it in a two-day period. I was sad that it ended, because the characters were so real, and I even miss them now that it's over. I'm still not sure whether the book is fact or fiction, and I honestly don't want to know. It's the published journals of a woman named May Dodd, who went to the west in the 1870's and married into the Cheyenne tribe. It was very convincing, and so real to me that I really don't care whether it historically occurred or not. I highly recommend the book. (Which I don't do very often, and I read a lot of books.)
I went to the East Lansing Art Festival for a little while yesterday. It rained on us, but it was still fun. I saw a really fun folky-sort of band called Eddie From Ohio. I really enjoyed their performance, and of course wished I could form a band and hit the road and sing all year for a living. Don't you always wish that when you hear great music? My roomie seems to think I am alone on this, but I think most people, hearing something beautiful want to participate in its creation. Or maybe I am just a freak. Anyway, if you like good guitar-playing, and four-part harmony, this band's for you.
Speaking of roomie, he's still not moving with me. I have expressed my distress on this matter in a number of ways, and he remains firm. He just doesn't feel he can get a car loan with the amount of student loans he has. I half-offered to buy a car *for* him, but he doesn't want to be dependent. How frustrating. It's largely an emotional desire to keep him around, but it also really depresses me to throw away $700 monthly on rent. Even if he only chipped in a couple hundred a month it would be great! I'm going to be living very close to my bottom line, and not going to be able to save up for a down payment very easily at all. It's going to take a long long time. And all of this money is blown to the wind so that I can live in a lonely place, and wish I was elsewhere. Great.
Well, that's not exactly true. I'm looking forward to being out of the city. I think I'd be less concerned about it if he would give me any sort of assurance that he still wants me, needs me, and loves me. On the contrary, he doesn't want to say any of these things, because he doesn't like the idea of leading me on to some sort of commitment. (Which of course, he does, whether he knows it or not, every time he sleeps with me. I take that level of intimacy as a lead-on to future great things. )
Anyway, I'm sorry for the angst. I wish I could stop thinking about the move altogether, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of it, since I have to save money for it, pack for it, arrange Kirstin's schooling, and since her dad has already moved out there. If only I could get "I love you, and I'll still be your man" I would be okay. I would know that I'm not being dumped. Or, actually, I would know that I'm not dumping myself by default (I think he's too content in the status quo to dump me outright). I'm afraid that I want the relationship, and he doesn't, and I'll move out and never hear from him again. I mention these things to him, and he doesn't reply. He doesn't say anything. It's baffling. I wish he would talk to me about it.
I make him sound like an awfyl guy. He really isn't. He just refuses to acknowlege that we have a relationship. I think he's an emotional coward, and refuses to tackle his own problems. I love him dearly, but wish I could give him a swift kick in the pants, sometimes.
