Aging in reverse

I really don't understand what's going on with Kirstin. She is just acting younger and younger every day. Yesterday I had her in my office for part of the afternoon and I could swear I was sitting here with a 4-year-old. It's really frustrating, because she's also getting more and more pouty and mean when any adult tries to tell her to knock off her inappropriate behavior. After work yesterday I told her that we were just going home instead of going out, because we had run out of time to go to dinner with Forest. She turned on her heel and stomped out of the building angrily, snapping "fine" over her shoulder. I of course demanded that she come inside and be polite, and she wouldn't even listen to me, just stared off into space, which is pretty much what she does whenever I want to talk to her about something serious. She refused to look at me, then when Forest tried, she refused to look at him, too.

It turns out that her excuse for this behavior was that she missed Forest, and wanted him to come with us. Trying to point out to her that Forest was planning to spend practically ever other night of the week with her didn't fly; she said "well, it's not enough," very comtemptibly.

I could just sock her for this annoying little attitude she has developed, that if the world doesn't revolve around her wishes, she can act spiteful and rude about it. Of course, I don't sock her. I try not to even let her anger me, because I'm worried that all of this is an attempt to get a rise out of me. She acts as though she's trying to provoke me, playing with me, pushing my buttons. She purposefully does things that I tell her not to do. She asks me a question, then ignores my answer, and asks me the same question again five minutes later. I tell her she needs to sit quietly for a few minutes while I'm on the phone, and instead she starts jumping up and down and singing.

Her counseling appointment is next Tuesday. I hope a professional can do something with her, because I have been trying like crazy, and she won't listen to anything I say. At this rate she is going to grow up to be a mean, spiteful person who doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. That's what she is right now, anyway. It drives me insane.

And it breaks my heart, because just a year ago she was such a nice little girl, so well-behaved, and well-adjusted.

Then, I took her home, and like night and day, she was in a good mood, all happy to be there, and acting pretty much her own age. What the hell? Sometimes I wish I had a magic eraser, so that we could go back in time, change whatever it is that her dad and I did that messed things up so badly, and go from there. I want my sweet little girl back. I love her, but it's hard to want to be close to her and spend time with her when she's being spiteful, mean and irritating.

I'm pretty bummed out, because I didn't have much one-on-one time with Forest yesterday (he pretty much came home and went to bed). Tonight we're hopefully going to take Kirstin to see Dinosaur (that's if she hasn't regressed to the point where we have to bottle-feed her), then he's going to stay out late to play D&D. Wednesday night is Kirstin's honors choir concert, then he's going out with his friend Bridget until god-knows-when. I'm not sure what's going on for the rest of the week, other than that he'll be gone for an overnight to pick up Wayne in Chicago, and then Wayne will be in town, which means extra demands on his time next week, too.

But I have to remind myself that if I'm patient, I'll have years of Forest's time, and I'm really okay with that.

So what about this is bothering me so much?

Probably that I still have to try hard not to think of Bridget as 'beautiful, perfect, 18-year-old-Bridget who is everything I ever wanted to be and appeals to part of him that I don't.' The last time I saw her, she snuggled him on our couch, and I was a big girl and didn't care. So, every time she wants him to take her out, am I going to have this same ugly green envy monster rearing its head?

That's the other annoying thing. He doesn't say "I want to take Bridget out to see a movie." Instead it's "Bridget wants me to take her to see Center Stage." I guess that's supposed to make it easier? I'm supposed to think he's only going because she is making him go, as though she's going to hog-tie him and drag him there?

Last time I was addressing all of this, I told Forest that I would feel better about his spending time with her if I felt like she accepted us as a couple. I suggested that the three of us doing something together would make a world of difference. He agreed that we should do that sometime soon, so that I could grow to trust her, and it would be okay.

Well, it hasn't happened, and I still don't trust her. I just can't. What, am I supposed to have blind faith in her? What's the evidence here? Well, basically, she wanted to date him before he started seeing me. He never says anything but good things about her, and early in our relationship he wondered what it would have been like if the two of them had gotten together. She actually specifically requests time alone with him, and last time I saw her she basically went out of her way to test my patience. You don't just cuddle up to someone's boyfriend right in front of her without meaning something by it.

Don't look at me like that.

Now poor adorable tiny sexy athletic perfect Bridget got kicked in soccer and tore her ACL, and is pretty much laid up, and will be until after mid-June when surgeons fix it. So she all of the sudden has plenty of time to want to do things with him. And he, being compassionate, sweet, and caring about people, wants to help her out while she's gimped up.

She wasn't too gimped up to visit him at the Store last week...

NNNOOOoooo! Back, foul green demon! I won't submit to jealousy, and there's no reason for me to be the least bit suspicious of my sweety. I'm completely confident that he loves me utterly and isn't going anywhere.

So why does this perfect little being drive me so insane?

Because she's annoyingly perfect. And I've always wanted to be perfect, and never have been.

Enough of this. I'm getting nowhere, and I'm ashamed of these thoughts.

So, for the next two nights I'm stuck home by myself until the wee hours of the morning. Anyone for cribbage? I think I'll rent a big pile of movies, read a few good books, and try to ignore the clock.

My secretary is probably coming by and bringing her newborn baby boy today. Everyone is very excited about it, and practically no work is getting done, but that's cool by me, since I no longer have to dodge the cutesy-bootsies and toesy-woesies. Work is dragging along today, and oddly, I am longing for a day to stay at home. Not a vacation, not a day with *anything* planned, just a day in which I didn't have to do anything in particular. It would have to be a day when my house was already cleaned, and I didn't have any work sitting at home waiting to be done. I'd get up and, umm, I don't know, watch TV for the first time in ages. Maybe I could watch Scooby Doo, or something like that, a complete mind-numbing waste of time. It sounds lovely right now.

I'd sit around in my PJ's with the phone's ringer turned off. Maybe I'd crochet a bit of the afghan I've been working on for years. I'd probably read a good book, maybe take a nap, and possibly go for a walk, if I feel like it. I would just enjoy the idea of not having anything on the schedule. It's a new one on me, especially since I just got back from a nice vacation.