I've been giving a lot of thought to my ideas of my own future lately; what I want to do with myself, and what will make me happy. For the hell of it, I called the financial aid office at MSU, to see how much it would cost for me to go back to school. They were extremely uncooperative, and all I could get out of them was "you aren't making sufficient progress toward graduation to qualify for aid."
Well, no shit. I haven't gone to school in 2 years. You'd think there would be some sort of loophole in the rules for people who had to take some time off. The person I spoke with on the phone was repeatedly rude and stubborn, though, and refused to transfer me to another person, so I suppose maybe I just managed to talk to the real dunderhead of the outfit.
I've been thinking that I actually might switch over to kinesiology, and possibly try to get a teaching certificate. It appeals to me because I enjoy teaching people things, and because science is fascinating to me; I love to study it but hate to practice it.
So I should teach it, of course. (There was a bit of sarcasm there.)
Really I don't know any more about my future than I did when I got out of high school, rapidly approaching 10 years ago. I do, however, know more about what makes me happy, and what types of things I like to do. When I graduated high school the only things I could name that I liked to do were playing musical instruments, reading, ballet dancing, and theatre. The list has at least expanded since then.
I also have been considering Forest's mention the other day of wanting to have a kid in a few years. Part of what's influencing me, actually, is the way he explained it to me; he's completely willing to give up the idea if I ask him to do so. He's serious, he would do that for me, out of love for me, and desire to give me the things I want in life.
I've also been listening to my own thoughts, the rumblings in the back of my head. It'd be pretty neat to experience a little drool-monger with an adult perspective. I know, at 18 I was technically an adult. Really, though, a lot of my energies had to be devoted to staying afloat, learning how to be a grown up myself, when I can see that now I have more mental energies to devote to the idea of parenting. For instance, when I was 18 I read the books, took them seriously, and did everything by them. Doing things again, I would probably give the books some thought, set them aside, and listen to my own senses about the details.
It's a slight difference, but I think an important one.
Of course there's peer pressure. Everyone I see on a daily basis is either a new mom, pregnant, the spouse of a pregnant person, a new dad, or trying to conceive. I really ought to hang out with my college friends more, and it would help me get over that one.
The most important factor to my mind right now, though, is that it's not a matter of something *I* would or would not do. It's something *we* would do (or not) together. The important part is who am I doing this with, and is that person going to stick it out? Are we going to be a stronger couple for it, or is parenting going to be a chore, a blame-war? Are we in it for the right reasons, wanting to build a family, wanting to give a little person a happy life, or are we just on an ego-trip, trying something new and different for ourselves? Are we (god forbid) just doing it because it's the standard for people our age to do?
What it comes down to is that I think the right reasons are in place, and the right relationship. It's spooky to say so after living with him for 8 months, but I think I've found a compatible mate in Forest, who I also just plain happen to adore.
Don't get me wrong; I am realistic about him. He's moody, cranky in the morning, tends to be extremely stubborn, and has an occasional dark look on life that frightens and confounds me. On the other hand he's intelligent, athletic, artistic, sensitive, considerate, loves me to the core, is honest with me, trusts me, supports me, and is everything I dreamed about in a man since I was 5.
And he might be the right person for me to be a parent with.
So I've decided that yes, in a few years, if all things have held true and worked themselves out, I would love to be a parent with Forest. Of course it would cost a fortune, since we'd have to do it the test tube way (my tubes have been tied for years, in case you want gory details), but then again, when doesn't new parenthood cost a fortune?
It's also cool to be thinking about it now, because it changes the whole way I look at things. Forest thinks 4 years from now is a good time for him, because he'll be done with school by then, and started in his career. 4 years from now I'll have been with my company for 6 years. That means for 2 years I'll have earned 3 weeks per year of vacation, and on that last two years I'll have 4 weeks each year. That's quite a bit of time for gadding about the world, if planned properly, and thinking about it now will allow me time to plan properly indeed! He's even suggested that once he starts work, I might take an early retirement from my job (if I wanted) and go to school full time, and not have to work, except for parenting, which is a full time job unto itself. It's a thought.
I'm basking in the decision, now that I've made it, and loving the possibilities that are rattling around my skull. At the mall this weekend I walked past the baby clothes and didn't have to make myself look away. I noticed infants and didn't force myself to think of them as $200,000 plus poopy diapers and slobber. I just enjoyed them for the wonder of mother nature and human nature that they are, and walked away with a smile.
It's nice to not have to fight down those thoughts anymore, and it's nice to be excited about it in a positive way, not a negative one.
On a sadder note, we got back from vacation, and spent about 2 hours with Forest's dad catching up on the events that happened while we were gone. I was somewhat happy that I was taken into confidence, I guess I've risen enough in Forest's dad's esteem to be a confidant of sorts, and that's a good thing. The news, however, was pretty much all bad. The ugliness between his parents continued while we were gone, and his dad is now to the point where he doesn't see how the marriage can work itself out. (He was fighting against the divorce idea until now.) I'm sorry to hear that, but at the same time I suppose it's healthy to get on with things.
I miss my friends! I haven't seen them in over a week now. I ought to have made more of an effort to see them this weekend, but by the time I got back from our trip, took care of the ensuing landslide at our house, took a nap, and got our laundry done, it was time to get back to work. Tuesday night is gaming night, but I also haven't seen Kirstin in a week, so I am thinking I should send Forest and stay at home.
Today is another hallmark-yuck day for me as a mom. Kirstin's school is having a half day today, which was added to the calendar at the last minute. I've bungled the child-care coordination, and will have to go in on my lunch hour and pick her up myself, and bring her to work with me. Oh, the bliss. (Not for me, but for her. What a drag.) The soundtrack to Episode I is playing on my CD player, the sky outside my window is blue, and Kirstin will be here in a couple of hours. It doesn't look like a good day for working to me!
