The people he worked with should have treated him better. Now they can just go to hell! He was happy he left, too, and I think he found it cathartic to walk out. It's the first time he's ever done that, and I think it was a just course of action.
As for me, I'm still pretty sickly, but not in hell like I was yesterday. After work I went home, passed out on my couch, and didn't regain consciousness until 8:30, which made me late for gaming, but at that point I didn't care. I felt marginally more alive, and that's what mattered.
It was fun to see everyone (well, except that Shelly wasn't there.) Andy was cracking me up with all his lines from Faustus. I can't wait to see that show!
Jeff came in at some point to talk to Reagan, and I thought it odd that he could look at and talk to Forest, but not to me. Strange. I suppose maybe he was caught off guard. I guess if I were in Jeff's shoes it might be easier for me to deal with Forest one on one, or me one on one, but I could see where seeing the pair of us together would be more painful. Of course, this could be completely wrong, I'm only guessing, and trying to empathize. I'm sorry we still cause him pain.
After gaming, Forest and I came home, and were both wide awake and wound up. We ended up talking across our pillows, and he revealed that on occasion, when he's down, he feels like he's just a substitute for Jeff. Of course I immediately told him that isn't so, and he agrees that it isn't, but I guess it runs through his head at his lower moments.
It's true that Forest and Jeff have a lot in common. There are a lot of similarities, although I suppose part of that is because of my own egocentric nature. I seek people who are like me, who think like me, who make me feel like I belong. On the surface Jeff, Forest and I are a lot alike. Interests, hobbies, goals, attitudes on things, personality traits, you name it, we have some of it in common.
To me, though, the differences are VAST. Huge. I can't even begin. It's not to say that one is better than the other, or that one could possibly BE a substitute for the other. Jeff and Forest are both very unique people, and they don't even *feel* the same to me.
When I look into Forest's eyes, I can feel his spirit. I can know him so intimately that we needn't touch before he takes my breath away. I can feel him breathe in another room. What I see in him is purely beautiful. I think a lot of it is his sense of balance. He is very even-minded, he looks for fairness, and does what he thinks is just. He's got a strong sense of himself, and an integrity that is at once sharp and sturdy enough to hold up several people. He's a person of action, like I am... he doesn't like the idea of telling someone else to do something unless he's also doing it himself. He's incredibly empathic and sympathetic, and at times is even better than I am at putting himself into other's shoes. He considers people's feelings before he acts. He's always thoughtful and sensitive that way. He's in tune with his own feelings, so that if he feels something negative, he recognizes it as such, acknowleges it, but doesn't act on it in haste. He's a strong person with strong willpower and an ability to be whole without putting walls between himself and other people. I cherish all of these things about him, and the feeling that I get when he walks in the room is like going home.
In actuality, Forest is just a better fit for *me*. There is probably another woman somewhere in the world who will be a better fit for Jeff than I was, too. I just needed too many things that Jeff couldn't give me without sacrificing parts of himself for it. Forest gives me a lot of those things without needing to make any sacrifice, because they are a part of him already. He's just built that way. It doesn't pain him to love me.
Anyway, there can be no comparison between the two, really. Apples and oranges. Forest can never be a substitute-Jeff. Jeff meant a lot to me, and no one is ever going to be able to fill his shoes, anyway. (After all, they are three-toed sloth shoes. Private joke.) I cherish our time together, and don't delude myself by thinking that I'll ever stop missing him.
But there was a reason we broke up. We were moving in different directions, and I was realizing what my needs and wants in the world really were. I don't *want* a Jeff substitute. I want Jeff out there, just like he is, completely unique, wonderful and irreplacable. I want a new kind of relationship, with a more empathic breed of feeling.
I want that even give and take that I enjoy so much, and the warmth of reassurances when they are needed. I want to be able to stand on my own, but at the same time, know that not too far away, someone's arms are around me, at least in spirit. I want to be loved so openly that I can feel it, and I want someone to touch my soul.
I know these things are abstract; near-magical, and asking a lot. Thing is, they're things I believe in, as naive as it may sound. These things exist; I know, because I've experienced them. These are the things I feel developing with Forest.
I grant you, no relationship is absolute bliss every minute of every day. We've had our doubts and our rough spots. We've learned each other's weaknesses, seen each other's darker sides, and bad moods.
But we came out the other side of that still open to each other, and still loving each other. I feel a connection there stronger than anything I've known, and I melt when I think of his smile. The sight of his hands across a room is a comfort to me.
So no, Forest is not a substitute for Jeff, and I hope he never feels that way again. He's a completely different kind of beast. As my grandpa would have said, it's a whole other kettle of fish.
My, that was quite the diatribe. I didn't get to say so much to Forest, but maybe I should.
We ended up falling asleep, snuggled up together very late at night. Today I left work early out of sheer exhaustion combined with the joy of Forest's ditching that awful job. I've been working on taxes mostly, and will be bravely filing them on the internet for the first time this year. It hasn't been a lot of fun, it's my first year with all these bizarre deductions to worry about... but I'm sticking my nose to the grindstone and working on it hard, and hopefully I won't screw it up.
Then, Forest suprised me by fixing us an early dinner. I logged off the TurboTax site and went out to discover a yummy concoction of bread with marinara sauce and cheese. It hit the spot, I was starving, and I could actually TASTE it! Wow. Then we curled up on the couch and watched the Highlander. Probably 30 minutes into the movie, I noticed that he was sleeping beside me, but he only cuddled me closer, so I enjoyed it, and didn't disturb him. He mumbled in his sleep, and snored, but never once stopped cradling me in his arms, and nestling his chin in my hair. I love that feeling. It's perfect comfort.
Still no call from the director on Taming of the Shrew. Forest said he was told we wouldn't hear anything until Friday, so I'm trying not to freak out. I'll do lots of laundry and Tae Kwon Do tonight to keep my mind off it.
