Road to Eldorado was a fun movie. The actors voice work was the best part, Kevin Kline was hilarious. Kirstin didn't like it, though, because it was too scary. I'm not too worried about that. When Kirstin saw Toy Story for the first time, she hated it because it was scary, but now she watches it all the time on video, and says it's one of her favorite movies. She really hasn't grown into her courage yet. It doesn't take much to scare her, and she doesn't think past her fear.
After that it was a bit hard to say goodbye to Forest. He was staying in town to go to Darcy's birthday party, and I was going home with Tiff and Kirstin. He had been a little grumpy earlier, and it felt to me as though there were things unsaid, or something that wasn't working out right for him, but I didn't have the chance to ask about it. It was sort of sad to see him walking to his car in the dark all alone.
But maybe it was because I really would have liked to have been with him.
It didn't bother me, though. Tiff and I sang all the way to my house, and then had fun, just staying up late, eating cake and noodles, and talking at each other. Forest and our friend Angie stopped by just long enough to pick up the taco salad I had made for Darcy and some firewood, and I was happy to see him in a better mood. He's always happy when he gets to argue Shakespeare with someone, and Angie is taking a class in it right now.
The morning came awfully early because of the time change, but we somehow managed to shower, wrap Darcy's presents (a box of 48 waffles and a box of 110 pizza rolls), drop Tiff off, and get to breakfast on time to meet Forest's family. It was pretty fun, but in the back of my mind I couldn't stop thinking about the impression I've made, that I don't project personality around them. I was relaxed, and just being myself, and had no wish to push things, but I observed that I was pretty quiet during the whole meal. Really, though, his family has its own way of communicating, and a lot of inside jokes. I sit, listen, and soak it up a lot, and pretty much only get a word in edgewise when they ask me something directly. In my circle of friends when everyone gets to talking loudly, I tend to sit back the same way. If it's really important, I will shout over them to be heard, but generally I don't like to interrupt.
So I guess I'm just going to have to be patient with that, I don't really think there's anything I can do about it and be true to myself.
I went home with the intention of brushing up my monologues and doing more laundry. Instead I brushed up my monologues and fell asleep. I slept from 1 PM until 4:30! This never happens to me, I had no idea it was that late; no one called, no one bothered me, even Leeloo stayed away. If I had tried I think I could have slept a few more hours, too. It was pretty strange. By the time I fed Kirstin a little bit, caught up the laundry and got myself assembled, I was a little late for auditions.
I was also a little cranky and quite caffeinated, which is unusual for me. As soon as the directors started to pick on me, I started to pick on them back. One of them bent over my audition form, pretending to write, and said "thinks she can talk back to directors, Sassy," as though he was filling out a report card.
Without a pause, I leaned over the counter, and said, "No, that's Shrewish, not sassy," with great pride.
Man, did I ever have an attitude at auditions. It's a good thing they know me. I'd be embarrassed, but then again, I was auditioning to be a shrew. I had walked into the building with my mind focused on being Kate. And being Kate is having an attitude. What the hell, right?
Forest showed up at auditions, I think intending to just watch, and read if they needed a body for that. Of course he was one of only three men to audition. If he would accept it, I think he'd be cast in the lead. I'd love that, because if I was cast at Kate it would mean I had a Petrucchio I could trust to do all the combat stuff with. The directors want to do the show entirely slapsticky, and I love that... but you have to have a good physical actor to do it with. Forest's good at that stuff.
He doesn't want to do it, though. He doesn't like Taming of the Shrew because he says it's cheesy, and it's one of his least favorite Shakespeare plays. He's been in it before, and wasn't that fond of it then, either. He also says he quit theatre 5 years ago, because he doesn't like the way it wreaks havoc on his life. He only did Midsummer last year because he knew we were screwed, and it was only 3 weeks of his time.
Still, I wish he would relent. I don't understand it at a basic level, because I actually love doing theatre enough that it's worth shaking up my routines to do it. My friends understand that I miss them, but I do it because I love it. At least, I think they do.
I also love to do theatre with my friends. It's not so different from getting together for a game of volleyball every weekend; it's just 4 nights a week instead of one that we're all doing something together. I loved doing theatre with Forest.
Oh, well, some other time, maybe.
But I think we'd make a fine Kate and Petrucchio.
I'm not sure what my chances are of being cast as Kate. I have a pretty good eye for auditioners, and I thought the competition was pretty mild for the role. There was one girl who has some potential, but lacked imagination in her readings. Another girl kept her voice at a monotone and didn't move at all. (We were asked to improvise movement.) Sara didn't audition for Kate, as far as I could see.
This is, however a couple of directors that I know precast the last show I was in. So I don't know that I actually have a shot at Kate, because they may have already assigned the role to someone. We'll see. I had a pretty good read, I think, and beat Forest up a bit during it. I was definitely the most "active" actress to audition.
Now comes the part that I hate: the waiting. I always dread walking out of auditions, because I know it will be days before I find out whether I'm cast. Ick. And of course I have to decide whether I should call in dead to bell choir tonight and go to the second night of auditions, or if I should just let it go. My brand of competitive spirit says I should go to auditions so that I can know if I need to step up to bat again. However, the calmer more rational side of me says that last night went pretty well, and there's a chance I could just do worse.
Last night Forest was exhausted, after having slept maybe two hours Saturday night. I had hoped he might want to stay up and cuddle a bit, but he was in bed by 10:15, and asleep shortly thereafter. It wouldn't be a big deal, but it's been a while since we've had any physical contact, and my brain is starting to get a little freaked out about it. In my heart, though, I know he's been really tired since we got back from Tennessee, and hasn't had time to recover yet. Hell, I crashed out for three hours on Sunday, but he's been working all the time since we got back. I know he must feel wiped out. This morning helped, I got some snuggle time in, although it meant I was 15 minutes late to work again. I'd really like to just feel his arms around me for a prolonged period of time. It relaxes me, and makes me feel special, warm, and protected. There's nothing wrong with wanting that.
Except that I feel like I'm asking for an awful lot when he's so tired that he doesn't seem interested at all.
It's another case where I need to be patient and wait for things to some around by themselves. I have to accept that it's not my fault, has nothing to do with me, and that there's nothing I can do to make it better. Gads I hate powerlessness!
Let's think positively. There are only three things today that I can't proactively do anything about. One is auditions, the other is Forest's being tired out, the last is that I don't bedazzle people with raw personality in a big group. These aren't a big deal. Think of all the things today that I *can* control. I'm at work, and getting things done. Kirstin got to her dad's in one piece. All of the bills are paid. I will get my babysitter's social security number today so I can mail out my taxes tomorrow. I will go get lunch at the Store.
Then there are all the things that are completely within my power to change. I can get my laundry caught up. I can keep a clean house. I can eat healthier things and get in better physical shape. I can exercise until I have big bunches of protruding muscles! I can work on my vertical jump. I can devote some time each morning to Yoga. I can go to bed on time at night. I can keep my van cleaner, and remember to unload it every night.
See? I'm empowered to do lots of good things. There's no reason that three little things I can't do anything about should make me feel powerless.
Of course, all this rationale doesn't stop me from feeling it. Patience, grasshopper.
This morning I was all too happy to linger in bed for some much-needed snuggles, though. I still haven't really adjusted to the time change. I liked the way I used to wake up, with the sun already beaming into the windows. Now it's dark outside when I have to get out of bed for work. I hate that. It's winteresque, and makes me want to hide under the covers. No one should have to get up before the sun. I think it's something severely wrong with our society, and I'm not kidding! Think how much energy we'd save if we set our busy hours to coincide with natures daylight hours. Granted, in the far north where the sun doesn't come up for a month at a time you can't do that... but in most of the world, it would be possible. I don't understand how we got locked into this rigid 8 to 5 thing in the first place. Whose great idea was that? It's stupid. It would make more sense to me to be active when it's light out. Have a longer day in the summer and a shorter day in the winter, they will balance each other out.
I guess it's the fault of whichever pennypinching genius decided that we should all be thought of on an hourly basis. The term FTE (Fulltime employee) is overused in our culture. My bosses think of projects in terms of how many FTE hours it will take. It's like referring to gallons of gas, or PPI of air in your tire. It's as if the system was invented assuming that people's bodies would conform someday to the whims of the bosses when they made the schedule.
Come on! These are human beings they are talking about here. They aren't a number. They're going to be more productive at times, and less at others. They are also diurnal creatures of the animal kingdom. They are naturally most active during the daytime. The natural definition of daytime is when the sun is up.
So don't make me get up for work before dawn, please.
Well, I suppose that's enough ranting. I still haven't decided whether I'm going to bell choir tonight (like I should) or to the second night of auditions (like I want to.) All I really want is to snuggle up with Forest on the couch and let time fly by until all the things I'm waiting for are in the past.
