It really hadn't occurred to me before, but she's right. Shelly says she actually needs one on one individual closeness with someone. I never understood that about her. At the time when we hung out together a lot, I don't remember why I thought we did so, exactly, but I think it was more because we were both trying to get to know each other better, I guess. I didn't consider the idea of "need" at all.
I really haven't felt that need, or at least, I don't think I have. I see my friends as a group, and feel a need to belong there. I think of them collectively, familially. I need closeness and one on one intimacy with Forest, definitely. But that's sort of different, I think. From my friends, I need a home. A sheltered place on an otherwise alien planet.
So Shelly had this revelation from reading my journal, and I got the revelation that led to that by talking to Forest, and everything is falling into place from there.
Piece in place. I just realized that this is something that touches almost every relationship I have had. (All of them, that is, except for Bill, Jeff, and Forest, people with whom I've needed strong individual relationships.) I've been this way for as long as I can remember, and I'm not sure that it's a part of myself that will ever change. It's why I have always had large groups of close-ish friends, but no real intimate ones.
Piece in place. This is why I had such a hard time dealing with Jeff's and Forest's friendships with other people. At a basic level, I really didn't understand their need for such a thing.
Piece in place. I didn't understand that Shelly needed anything from me, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't a very good friend in that way. My way of being with my friends is sort of to share and compare experiences. That wasn't what she needed from me at all.
Piece in place. This is why I haven't kept very closely in contact with old friends from when I was a kid. I had a new place that I fit in now, and didn't really need that old group anymore. Retrospectively, I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings that way.
Piece in place. This is what I have in common with my dad. I never understood his relationships with people. I do now.
Piece in place. I always thought I listened to people, and tried to support them. In fact, though, I listened to people and shared their experiences, which is not the same thing. My version of helping was to try to make them feel like they weren't alone. That's not necessarily what people need when they're talking to their friends about something important to them. Logical support is not the same thing as emotional support. Sharing something is logical. Accepting it, and providing comfort, love, and sympathy are emotional things. I didn't do that for Shelly. I don't think I've done that for anyone except the men in my life.
Piece in place. Furthermore, all of my life I've sincerely cared about a lot of people, and loved them, and then wondered why they were suprised to find that out.
Piece in place. I really don't know how to be a good friend, the kind of friend that someone needs on an individual basis. It's hard for me to put myself in their shoes in that regard, and see what I would need from me in their place.
Piece in place. My group of friends had/has no way of knowing what I need from them, either.
Well, this has certainly been a revealing day. Maybe I have an attachment disorder. Maybe I'm some sort of sociopath. Maybe I just see things differently from some people. I don't know which. But at least I learned something about myself, and about Shelly. I won't be making generalizations anymore, and assuming people need the same things from me that I need from them.
And for one day out of about 700 the journal-writing pays off.
