What it comes right down to is that it was ME the whole time. Yes, all the other things conspired to complicate things, but at the root of the problem was my inability to leave well-enough alone. I guess something I said in utter stupidity a few days ago made him realize that he'd been pulling away from me, emotionally and physically. Today he explained that he feels like I'm pushing him, though, that I'm not accepting him as who he is (which is often a quiet, thoughtful sort of person). As he's taken some time to be quiet with his thoughts, I've been constantly asking him if he's okay, and not believing him when he says he's fine. I'm reading his signals wrong, somehow. He's been getting more and more frustrated because communication between us was always such a beautiful thing, and lately its been breaking down. We often used to communicate without words, and I was always able to understand and adapt to his quiet, introspective times before. He started to feel like I was rejecting him as a person, since I couldn't seem to grasp this very basic part of his regular behavior anymore. I made him feel alone.
I'm not really sure what happened that messed it up. I honestly feel out of control of this. I'm not operating on reason, I'm feeling compelled to try to slam the door of communication open, to such a degree that I'm nagging him about it all the time. I think ever since the middle of January, when we had our first argument, things have been skewed. I have a hypothesis as to why I've been compulsively acting like this, but I'm not sure whether it's right. I think after that first (and second, there have been two) argument, I was left feeling unsure that anything was resolved. Both times we talked and talked and talked, he's seemed frustrated with me, I've tried to understand the nuances of everything he's saying, and both times, he would tell me that I just didn't understand. Granted, I got the main points. But I didn't comprehend the subtle stuff behind it, or if I did, I didn't put it correctly into words.
Then when he was in a quiet, reflective mood afterward, I assumed he was still stewing over that stuff. I didn't know it was over. I constantly asked him what was wrong, because I was earnestly feeling unresolved things between us, and thought he'd need to talk these things over. As time passed, I only got more desperate, and bugged him more and more.
He explained today that as far as he's concerned, once we've explained ourselves in an argument and basically concluded that we'll try to resolve it, it's over for him. It's no longer a point of contention or something to worry about. He's done. I didn't know that about him until today. I guess I did know that he was a forgiving person, though. He firmly seperates the past and its misdeeds from the present, even over a short time. I just didn't think to apply that to us.
This hypothesis feels right. I think this may be why I've been such a pest. It's complicated by the fact that I'm not used to seeing him this stressed, and somehow associate it with the time our arguments started. As I look back in my journal, though, I see that the stress started before that, and was likely more related to work being crazy and scheduling problems than to anything having to do with our relationship.
It's an old habit of mine to take resonsibility for too many things. This is one of them. I can't be responsible for his level of stress. Those are his choices, and I have to stop trying to blame myself for them.
I do this a lot. I overthink things. (Aren't all journallers overthinkers?) If I would just have chilled out and allowed things to move on from those two arguments, things by now would be okay. Instead I just couldn't relax, couldn't leave things alone, and kept trying to wrestle the relationship into what I wanted it to be.
Which is no way to bring oneself closer to one's mate, as Forest pointed out. He wants us to be "us" again, and so do I, however I'm trying to force issues, and he feels we need to relax, be ourselves, and allow things to grow back naturally.
So now the distance between us is greater than it's ever been, and I'm charged with changing my approach to things. I can't force closeness, I have to relax and let it happen. Most things in my life have been gained by brute force, I tackled something and drove it to submission. Relationships don't work like that. I kind of think I knew this, but was railing against it, somewhere deep inside. Having come to this realization, I feel much more myself, and much less like a lost little zombie, aimlessly but doggedly marching forward. It's almost like looking back on myself as a teenager, with ultimate adult clarity, and thinking "why the hell did I do that???"
Honestly, though, I feel that as I've been writing this entry, a shroud has been removed from my brain. I remember now that I know Forest is a daydreamer, always has been. That's what he's doing when he's quiet, and thoughtful, he's not silently learning to hate me, or plotting the next way to push me away. He's off in his own little world. I knew this, but had somehow let it slide to the back of my brain, hidden by some sort of bizarre compulsion to force things on my own terms.
Once again, my lack of patience comes back to haunt me.
Last night at Tae Kwon Do club sucked utterly. I ought to take some of my "building things" energies and expend them on that. I haven't really kicked anything since December, and it shows, in a big way. I had just gotten to the point where my brain's response was to kick something, or hit it, instead of throwing it on its head. Now I've lost that. Last night all I wanted to do was throw Elizabeth across the mat and walk away. When I worked up the gumption to kick at her, I was so slow on the openings that all my techniques were gone. The few kicks I threw were terrible, and I think I only made one decent punch the whole time. Forest tried to correct me based on technique and so on, and at the time I didn't realize what was standing in my way, but now I'm pretty sure that I just wasn't in the TKD mental state. I was standing there wanting to do aikido all over the place.
So this Sunday Elizabeth is going to come over. Her girls will play with Kirstin, and she and I will attempt to remember how to spar. (She is feeling out of it, too.) We both want to be good enough at this stuff to compete, and neither of us feels we get enough practice at it. We're also both overthinking things that should come naturally, which can only be overcome by practice. It's a bummer, really. We used to have class or club three nights a week, and because of schedule conflicts and beurocracy, we're down to Tuesdays only. That's not enough. Well, maybe it's fine for those lucky individuals who are naturally adept fighters. There are people in that class who are better their first try at sparring than I have been after months. It's a knack, and I lack it. I also used to be able to count on some time at least playing with Forest at home, but he's been stressed and his time's been short, so we haven't been able to. All of this adds up to quite a bit of frustration when I try to spar.
Class, however, was really good. Forest is getting (or has had, I'm not sure) a nice tendency to make a very well-rounded workout out of class. At least last night there was just the right balance between a good cardiovascular workout, stretching, and concentration exercises. It's really quite a lot of fun. I never get bored in Tae Kwon Do class. I'm a little worried, though, because I discovered last night that he doesn't teach the class their palgwe forms until the second half of the semester. I've been hoping to test on Palgwe 1-4, Tae Guk 1-4 and Palgwe Chun Pubs at midterms. I'm going to have no problem with the Tae Guks. We're going over and over them in class. Palgwe chun pubs I suck at when I don't have a partner, but think we go over them enough in class that I'm at least on the right track. The palgwe forms, though, I learned from Forest, and he hasn't seen me try them since he taught them to me. I have no idea if I'm doing them right, or screwing them up, and not realizing it. I guess I need to get him to at least tell me what I'm doing wrong, if anything. (It's likely.)
After class we went home and traded backrubs while watching Wayne's World, and laughing really hard. That's such a funny movie! I had a great time.
