I actually had a very nice holiday. Forest and I had an extremely tasty homemade dinner complete with candlelight and music. My mom and Sam were out, so they offered us their hot tub, which we happily soaked in until we were pruney, sipping on Hansen's soda and munching crackers and cheese. We went home at 11 and had an extremely tasty bottle of champagne and a bunch of delicious, fresh strawberries. Just as we kissed at midnight, the city fireworks display started banging away, which was sort of surreal in a movie-romance sort of way. We were able to see all of the fireworks from our bedroom window, and held each other close. Forest and I both have low tolerance for alcohol, but we realized that there was no way to re-cork the champagne, so we got a little tipsy for the sake of "waste not want not", and danced our way merrily to bed, singing Auld Lang Syne.
This particular holiday made me miss my friends. I was busy enough on New Year's Eve that it wasn't a big deal, but Saturday I had nothing social to do the whole day while Forest was working, which started to get pretty lonely. I took down my Christmas decorations, and removed the Christmas tree, which was also a sad thing. I'm always sorry to see the holidays go. I ended up watching the Spartans game on TV, and driving in to Lansing to meet Forest. We got together with some of his friends, and stayed up until the not-so-wee hours of the morning just chatting and laughing. It's wierd to be with people who don't know me very well. I'm used to the comfortable companions who have known me for so many years that I hardly have to talk anymore for them to know what I'm saying.
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR MY REAL FEELINGS ABOUT REAL THINGS THAT REALLY BOTHER ME, DON'T READ ANY FURTHER.
Still, I had a good time, and I didn't realize how lonely I had been getting until Sunday. Sunday was the first day Forest and I have had off together without a major holiday in months. We had an entire free day, and no agenda for what we were going to do with it. We started out by going to breakfast with Forest's mom and dad and made plans to go to the park and play football, but it turned out to be too muddy, and plans quickly started to change. We thought we'd go to a movie instead, and then it turns out that Forest's brother really wanted to spend time with just Forest and his dad. He wanted it to be a "guy" thing. When I heard this, Forest and I were cuddled up in a pile, so I tried to hide my sinking feelings by hiding my face, but of course Forest saw right through me. I can't believe how much despair I felt at a few more hours of loneliness. I usually enjoy some alone time, honest. But I think I'm finding that there's a difference between "alone time" and "being lonely" that I didn't know about before.
I feel like I don't really have any friends anymore, and it has really started to bother me. It is especially worrisome when I am looking to Forest for all the external happiness and friendship in my life. That's a lot to put on one person, I think. I'm not terribly high-maintenance, but I am an extrovert by nature, and feel much more human when I can share life with loved ones. Forest says he doesn't mind, or feel pressured by it, and he says "we're okay", and I'm not bugging him. Then again, I know that he hasn't had time enough to spend with his friends and family because he and I have been together so much. He says I'm his first priority, and he wants to make me happy, but I feel bad about *my* loneliness causing him to be cut off from his friends. No couple can exist happily in isolation, I believe, and Forest admits that he feels very much a part of the society around him. He needs people, and I understand that. It makes me feel like a bit of a heel, too, that he is Mr. Popularity, and I have no life; and I know he feels bad when he *does* go out, because he knows I'm alone.
So I'm in a conflict about what to do about all of this. Forest thinks I am jumping to conclusions, that I should wait things out and not try to force issues. I think I need to start seeing friends regularly again. Maybe my dear current friends can't do that, and I need to somehow get a life. Start making friendships for myself.
I really hate that idea. I don't want to give up on the people I love. I'm just frustrated, because I have one friend that just seems to be in an antisocial mood (either that or she just doesn't want to see me) and another that can't seem to cram me into his schedule. I could catch them regularly if I gamed with them, but they game on a weeknight, when I have to get to bed at a reasonable time. I could force a couple of them to see me by doing theatre, but that would screw my munchkin's life up.
And why would I want to spend time with someone who doesn't want to spend time with me? This is not an isolated incident. One friend goes through streaks of wanting to be very close with someone, and then wanting to be antisocial. I think it's as painful to her as it is to me. I never live up to her expectations of friendship, and she deserts me when the mood hits her. I kind of feel like she's the only important person to herself, and everyone else is subject to her whims. Then there's the other one, who complained about my always being busy for years, and now the tables have turned, and it's *he* who is swamped. Of course Jeff, the one I hurt so much by breaking up with him (although I have been able to talk more with him than with anyone else, at least) is the one who *should* be upset with me, and want to avoid me. I can't hold these things against any of them, because it's who they are, and I understand that. The problem is, now I'm lonely, and it's important to me to have friends. I get so little communication with them, I wonder why they don't come over when invited, or never call me, or return my calls. Then the sad part comes out, and I start to worry. Maybe they are still holding my mistakes against me. Maybe they aren't interested in being friends anymore, or are punishing me or still angry with me because of the circumstances of my breakup with Jeff. I really don't like that theory, because these aren't perfect people. They've made mistakes in their lives, and gone through some bad times. They've hurt people. What makes them so much holier than I am that they can't forgive me for mine?
Some remote part of me is angry, and wants to confront everyone, and ask them all the questions. Why am I always the one calling, and feeling like a pain in the ass for taking up their time? Do they want me just to go away? Why are none of the calls on my answering machine ever for me? Why is it that when I invite people to do things, they often decline invitations or never return my call? It wouldn't be a big deal if it was once, but this has been a recurring theme. The rational side of me says that they are busy. They all have just as much life as I used to have before the breakup. They see each other a lot, play games a lot, and do theatre and go to school. They probably don't have time to notice that I'm gone. But if they missed me, they would call, right?
Of course now I feel bad, because I have friends that read my journal, and I have just vented my frustrations and now I'm an ogre. It's my policy not to edit, though, so I'm not changing anything. No one can criticize me for not being frank, damnit.
Overall, though, this is a pretty major dent in an otherwise very happy life, and I should do something other than vent about it. I really should. I'm just afraid to. What if I talk to my friends, and find out that they don't miss me, and don't want my friendship anymore? What if I've really lost them all?
Because Forest is wonderful and loves me very much, he made sure I wasn't lonely Sunday. He held me until I stopped crying, and assured me we were okay. We went for a walk in the woods together, which always makes me feel better, and we had great conversation, as always. Then we went out to see The Talented Mr. Ripley with his dad and brother, and hung out with his folks to play games for a while. (The movie, by the way, was excellent. I recommend it.)
We went to see a 9:30 showing of Phantom Menace just to see Darth Maul's fight scene again, and went home to snuggle and work on Tae Kwon Do. So I was too busy to be lonely, and I had him at my side the entire time. I felt a lot better by bedtime, and this morning I feel human again. I still haven't decided a course of action, but I've determined that I must do something so that I'm not so dependent on Forest for having a life, and have put it on the back burner for contemplation.
Today I will focus on work, which has many projects requiring my attention, and then Kirstin, who will be coming home after a week away, and looking for attention, too. I will cook dinner, and tuck her in bed, and then I'll have Forest to keep me company again.
