Saturday, June 03, 2000
1:54 PM
Here I am. Surprisingly alive. Yep...I had an accident and I got lucky. I'm sitting here with Mike in the Hyndman library as he listens to new Skrewloose songs and I update my journal.ABout the accident...We went riding with Brad S. and Mel with a moped(?) and a motorcycle. After a few, Brad asked if I would like to ride the motorcycle and stupidly I said sure. So, of course going around a turn I forgot how to slow down and ended up giving it more power. The bike smacked into a big red pole (going about 50) and threw me off into another. I was lucky to hit the pole though because if the pole wasn't there I would have kept flying into these glass doors. I felt my legs dangling and then when I landed my whole body went numb. I thought either I was dead or my legs were at least broken. I had a helmet on, thankfully, because otherwise I would not be here today. Mike and Brad and Mel came running over and the first thing I said was call an ambulance. Brad drove the motorcycle home and got his car and said he had called an ambulance. His dad came with him on the ride back in his own car. When they all got there I was up trying to walk around with a knee busted all around after I forced myself off the ground. (hey, I had to make sure I wasn't dead and that my legs weren't paralyzed) Well, it ended up I went to the hospital got X-rays on my left hand because there was a big bruise and it was hurting pretty bad, also my knee got X-rayed. Nothing was even broken. I was surprised because I thought for sure my knee was broken. I hit so hard...but I'm not complaining that nothing is broken! I have crutches and it's wrapped up but I am so hard-headed that I won't use the crutches. It's like a sprained ankle, I'll ignore the pain and walk it off. It hurts sometimes but I walk on my knee anyway. It'll stay strong that way. My dad was upset to hear I got hurt and I told everyone, no matter if someone else is driving, I'm never getting on something with 2 wheels that goes that fast. I felt the pain...it's not worth it.
Other than all that, I'm doing much better that usual. I live with Mike now. Graduation was alright at Beall. My mom tried to say I ignored her when she came up to me but when she came up to me she asked where Jeremiah(her favorite son in the whole world) was. Jack Beeman came down with my brother. That made me happy. My dad was there and Ellen and my grandparents on my moms side. Dad, Ellen, Mike and I all went out to eat. I think Mike liked my dad. I know my dad likes him a lot. Mom packed all my stuff up, well, the rest off my room that I hadn't already packed up, and put it in the garage. She pretty much said I wasn't welcome back to the house and if I went up without calling I wouldn't be able to get in because the house would be locked up. When I went up to get my stuff, before we left Mike's mom said my stepdad said "It's about time I got rid of that bitch." I don't care what she or he does. She's out of my life as much as possible and I'm a much happier person inside. I love being with Mike all the time. Him and I might go out to my dad's soon. I would really like to see my brother, Christopher. Mike and him would really get along.
OK, I am going to try to cut things short. I do miss my cats very very much. Yes, I sometimes get pretty emotional knowing I can't see them because they are at my moms house. Uhm...Half the world hopes Craig dies...and many of us are going to make sure something happens to him. I remember more of what actually happened the night I went camping with him...let's just say he got something I didn't want. But, of course he just held me down saying just relax...So, I HOPE YOU DIE CRAIG AND YES JAMIE WILL FIND OUT. So, stop saying I wanted YOU for a long time. Because, after bootcamp you've been so ugly and stupid in the head you fucking SKINHEAD. Jamie can do so much better than you, especially as much as you've cheated on her.
I miss emailing Jessica a lot. I wonder what she is up to and everything. Hope you are doing great over there Jessica!!!! Cindy called the other day. That was great to hear how she was doing.
Hmm. I'm not sure what else to write about. My hair is bleached and my bangs are kind of like a fucshia color now. I like it.
Well, I need to check all my email so Mike doesn't get bored here. Take care peoples and I'll try to update this as soon as I can.
AsHeZ luVs MiKe aLwAys.
Thursday, April 27, 2000
12:40 PM
Well, it's been a long time. I think the world is going to it's end. haha.NO...SERIOUSLY.
Things are rough with me. I wrote Craig a note because something happened, and he wrote one back. So, I'm just going to stay in contact with him as little as possible. I don't call anymore and I don't plan on hanging out with him for awhile. As for me and Mike. I know he cares, but it's hard for me to still show I love him and accept that he loves me. It's because of my mom and stepdad and their verbal abuse. I can't handle the put downs they throw at me anymore. I think of suicide, but what will that solve? Nothing. Today, I heard about the leadsinger of the Distorted Penguins. How his father shot him, his own wife, anf then himself. So, I look at my life and the abuse I get and then look at this and it's like...that could have been me, but it wasn't so feel good about your life, Ashley. So, I just shouldn't worry anymore. I don't know. I just need to graduate and get out of my house. There's only like 16 days left till I graduate. I packed my whole room so I could leave the house as soon as possible. I want to live with Mike but there's no where to go to school or work there. So, hopefully my mom still does rent a place for me. I just need to be alone for awhile. I need to get myself together before I can learn anything else.
Well, I've got nothing more to say so laters.
Wednesday, April 12, 2000
8:18 PM
Hey there. I am at my mom's office. I'm happy because I got a letter from Jessica. She sent a picture and she's really pretty. I've never seen her before. We had only been "poetry buds" on the internet for a year or so. I also got a birthday card from my grandma.I really don't have much to say. Mike and I are feeling better. Everyone is a bit happier. Been hanging with Craig the past few days. Something I've missed very very much. I got on Honorable Mention for my report card. I haven't even had close to that since like 4th grade. HEH. It's kewl. My graduation outfit makes me look really fat. It sux. I hate the dumb ass looking hat, too. OH WELL!!! IT'S ALL ALMOST OVER!!!!!
Well, I am going to look and see what else needs updated on my page. LATERS. LUV ASHEZ.
I love you MikE forever!!!!!! I've been so happy since NOV. 1st because of you!!
Tuesday, April 11, 2000
1:45 PM
T R U S T.Seems like everyone doesn't know who to trust these past few weeks. Mike isn't sure he trusts me, and I'm not sure if I trust him, and there's no reason for either of us to think we can't trust the other. Friends don't know who to trust, either. Can't trust teachers anymore, can never trust parents...Everyone lies. Friends say they'll do something and they don't. "Yeah, I'll call" "Yeah, I'll come get you.." and then you never hear from them. I don't know what is going on lately. It's strange. Mike and I seem very distant, yet, needing each other a lot. We're both very depressed. I'm being put back on anti-depressants...but I don't know what he's going to do and I don't know how to make him smile much anymore. I would never leave him, but I really miss him. Even when he's around. I just want to maker him so happy.
My brother Christopher emailed me. It made me very happy. I was glad to hear from him since I haven't talked to him or seen him for so long. I hope he emails back.
Manda and I are trying to work things out again. We'll see each other at the SKA show. See...we got into it because of trust...and now we're learning slowly to trust each other again.
I haven't written in awhile. My comp. is still fucked. I don't care. I'm so tired and shit anymore anyway. Graduation is soon and I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to grow up and I think that's one of my big problems right now making me depressed. There's no one to talk to. I don't want to throw my problems on Mike. NO way. I just have to be there for him. Whenever he needs me.
Well, Craig might show up and hang out today. We hung out a little yesterday. I'll probably try to see Mike, though, instead. He needs me right now and I really need him. I heard Gabe was up at Bob's so I'm glad I left. I hate that prick. Mike saw David in the mall and I had to like hold onto him because he wanted to kill him. It was kewl.
Well, I'm done ranting and raving. Take care.
I LOVE MIKE FOREVER AND EVER.
Friday, April 07, 2000
11:00 AM
Mike is coming over to my house to stay for once. It's been awhile since I've gotten to be with him without anyone else there. We'll probably see a movie tonight. Amanda R. is having a party at her house but I don't know if we'll go. I don't know how we'd get there or anything and still see a movie. Well, I still have lots to say but I don't feel like it. Later.
Wednesday, April 05, 2000
2:40 PM
It's been awhile since I updated my journal. I don't have time now either to do it. A lot has gone on but I really don't feel like sharing anymore. Maybe, I will continue my journal, I don't know. See ya later.I love Mike.
Saturday, March 25, 2000
11:45 AM
*Some names in here are fake.The punk show Thursday in Bedford was so fucking awesome. I had more fun than I ever had in a long time. Mike, Brad, Chris, and I rode up with Will. My friend *Punker and his girlfriend were there. She started hitting on me and shit. Then she put her arm around me and went to mike saying "I’m stealing your girlfriend away." He was like "Nope. Nope. Nope." She goes "I bet I could." I gave mike a look like "no she couldn't....help me...get her away." It was weird. She kept hitting on me all night. It was strange. We went to *Punkers friends car, and drove a little to smoke a little weed. I got a buzz, and then when we got back to the show she gave me some pill that started with an “N”. She said PCP...but *Punker told me it wasn’t later. Then later, *Punkers Woman took me to the bathroom and held out both her hands and goes pick a hand...each hand was filled with different pills...I was like what are they all? She said different shit...just take them. I was like “No, I don't want all them.” She tried hard to get me to take them and I was like “NO.” I took a painkiller (so I could mosh easier) and a herbal thing to make me happy. She had all this speed and I was like “NO, I AM NOT TAKING THAT.” I’m not some big druggie. I just do shit every once in a while. Nothing to make me addicted. I was moshing like crazy. I beat all the guys up in there and there were like 4 fat, sweaty guys and I just threw them around. I loved it. I got the shit beat out of me, though. Flanagan accidentally kneed me in the stomach because he started skank moshing (throwing hands and feet everywhere) really hard, and then his hand swung back and punched me right in the eye. I got pissed I grabbed him by the shirt and yelled "FUCKING QUIT IT FLANAGAN!!!!!!!" His eyes got really big and was like “What???” I said he'd punched me and shit and to go easier because everyone else was moshing nice at that time. It got out of hand a few times. Some dudes would just throw me in and then apologize because they saw I was a girl. Hehe. Short hair and boy clothes really throw them off, I guess. One fat dude threw me in and I got up because I'd fallen and got in his face and growled "WHAT THE FUCK??????????" He looked at me and was like "OH SHIT. I'M SORRY!!" It was funny. I got punched in both eyes. I have a big red mark under my right eye. It’s still a little scratched. I thought my arm was going to break once because I threw my arm up and my elbow got stuck between three guys really tightly and it was being thrown around because I couldn't pull it out. I heard these weird sounds like it was cracking....but it didn't. Nothing happened to it, thankfully!!! The show was great. That girl that was hitting on me had flip-flops on and moshed...she took them off after awhile to mosh!! I asked her “Don't your feet get stomped on?????” and she was like "Ahhh....I don't feel it." She's fucking crazy, man. She took so many pills. She's not ugly at all or nothing but I was like ”Quit it, go away. Where's Mike?” Heheh. The bands KICKED ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, they fucking were all kewl. BEEFCAKE WAS AWESOME. I moshed so hard to them. The bands were, 10 sent Wings, The Imports, Beefcake, Cooter, Atari and I don’t know if there was any other band. They were all kewl. I LOVED IT!!! Then, Will took us all home.
I woke up Friday late for school. I didn’t want to go at all and I thought about it because I could barely move but then I remembered I promised *Green Day I’d go so he’d have someone to talk to. He was really upset in school because his woman had broken up with him and shit….I didn’t know what to do. Amanda was there and she tried to comfort him because he was crying. I just walked off because it was upsetting me, too, because I felt like it was my fault. I was the one who dyed his hair green, I asked him to go to the show, and I’m fighting with his girlfriend which I’ve tried to settle but she won’t give in. I think that’s upsetting him, too. Like he might feel bad when we hang out places because she doesn’t want him to be around me. I told him, though, whatever happens, if he has to stay away from me that’s fine. I’m not trying to get in the way and cause trouble for him or her. He loves her so much, but she just treats him like shit. He just wants to do everything right for his little girl. I never knew a guy who loved his kid so much.
I hung out with Amanda Riley last night because Mike wanted to hang with Seth. We went to the mall first and saw Sara and Morgan there. Sara worked so we took Morgan with us. We went skating and Mike, Seth, and John were there and we took them to Bob’s, then went back to skating. There’s no one there that day, so we left and took Morgan home then went back to Bob’s. There were a lot of people there so we hung out, had some fun, played pool, and got weed. heh. I stayed with Amanda at her house with Misty. Misty got there from work drunk. It was funny. We got high and then pretty much fell asleep. It was a funny night because I missed Mike so much, Amanda missed her boyfriend, and Misty missed Kevin. both of them couldn’t call their boyfriends because they were mad at each other and were going to wait till they called. I’m home now, and waiting till Mike wakes up to call him at his house. I don’t know how he got there. I thought he stayed over night with Seth. I think I am going to call him now. Yup. I will.
Not much more going on I don’t think so I am going. Laters.
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
10:25 PM
What a long day! I'm so exhausted. I woke up so tired and when I was on my way to school there were all these school delays because it was sleeting out. By the time I got to school it said my home school was canceled. I was ticked, but I figured Will would be getting out if his home school was canceled. I didn't even make it to first period because I walked over to the phone with Will while he called his mom to tell her he was coming back home since he didn't have to be there since his home school was canceled. So, we went to his house to hang for awhile. We watched American X, though, we've both seen it a thousand times, and fell asleep for awhile. Then, we went to Sally's and got some green hair dye, and then to the mall. We came to my house and dyed his hair. It's bright green and really kik ass. His girlfriend hates it but OH WELL. It looks kewl and fits him. Especially, since he loves Green Day! After that we just hung at my house for a little bit then he went to pick his girlfriend and Shane up from school, since they still had it. He came back with Shane and we called Mike and went to get him. It ended up to be me, Mike, Will, Shane, and Byrd. We went back to Sally's and got a ton of hair dye, then went to the mall, and came to my house. I dyed Shane's hair red/pink, Byrd's blue, bleached mine to a brownish weird color, and tried to dye Mike's red but it didn't work for him. We looked like a walking rainbow. We went to Bob's actually hoping to get into some fights, but it didn't happen. We hung out there and then Will gave me a ride home, and Mike got a ride home with other guys going to Hyndman. Now, here I am. There isn't anything else going on so I can't write one of those poetic sounding journal entries. I'm going now. I guess to watch Undressed on MTV. Laters & Take Care. I love you, Mike.
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
2:31 AM
I fixed my computer somehow on my own. I don't know what I did but it works, so I have been sittin ghere checking tons of email and updating my site. Glad to be back!!!Mike and I hung with Will today. We went to Bob's and then caught up with Will and went with him to hang at his brothers. His girlfriend is pissing other people off now. She says she wants to kick my ass, but for some reason...I think it's funny. maybe, it's because I know she can't...Ah well. I hear Manda wants to kick my ass, but even both of them together I still wouldn't get hurt. I don't get the point of fighting, anyway, but I'm not scared to do it.
Sara and I are a little uneasy but she speaks a little to me, when I speak to her. I don't understand. I never do. Amanda talks to me. She says she didn't really care in the first place but she was a little mad.
Mike wants to hang with Seth on Friday so I planned to go skating with some girls. It'll be fun. I actually skate. Mike, Bill, Nicole, me and not sure who else skated last Friday. It was fun as can be. I pretended like I couldn't skate for awhile to make people laugh. It was great.
Talked to Justin on the phone the other day. I was to call him back but then my computer fucked up and I couldn't get his number from the computer. I haven't talked to my dad or my half-brother, Christopher, in while. I should call my dad tomorrow and try to get ahold of my brother, too.
School is starting to suck ass. People are all on my nerves being stupid. Mainly, the teachers. They're starting to be dicks anymore.
My bangs are a dark blue now, and the rest is still black. It looks all right. I still might bleach the black part and make it a natural blond color. Not too blond but not so brown. I feel like a boy with black hair even though people say it looks good.
Not much else going on. I've been on and off with depression the last few weeks. It kicks in hard sometimes and wants to throw me into darkness but I struggle passed it. Mike takes it away actually. I'm surprised things are so well between us after 5 months and so days.
I can't wait! I will be 18 soon. On April 14th!!!! Whooo!!!!
Well, that's all I can think of. I'm glad to be back. Later peoples. I love you, Mike...for always.
Wednesday, March 15, 2000
1:51 PM
School is almost over. Yeah. I want to go see Mike. I was going to but he decided to stay in school all day and not go to the funeral. I have to get my dress fitted at 7 so I don't think I can go up and then get picked up a few hours later. Maybe, I can meet him some where. I don't even know if he wants me around to help. I just can't handle how badly he's been taking this...My computer at home is messed up right now so this won't be updated for awhile. Stupid shit is going on anyway. I might stop writing a journal, too. Who knows. My thoughts don't count anymore. Not to me. I'm a waste of air.
Tuesday, March 14, 2000
1:40 PM
I'm sitting here in class alone. No one is in class. They're all home and John is the only other one here, but he's running around trying to find a date or something...Mr. K said.I'm pretty sure Morgan mentioned something to Sara because Sara didn't talk to me at all today and she told Mr. K "No one is here today, I'm going home." She did go home. So, I guess I've lost another friend. What can I really say about it? Yeah, it hurts, but she's mad because I spoke what I felt...what kind of friend is that. Besides, she ignores me in school and just like today, if Amanda Riley isn't in school then she thinks no one is here. Well, gee. Thanx for making me feel important.
I want to see Mike today, but I doubt I'll be able to. It sux. School is taking so long to get over with. Exactly one month from now I will be 18. That's kewl. I am going to get these papers from MVA (Moter Vehicle Administration), fill them out, and then go soon to take my drivers test so I can drive. Then, I wouldn't be so bored alone. I'd see Mike all the time.
School is over soon, but Mike doesn't get out till later. I'll probably call Justin when I get home since I called back when he said but no one answered. Maybe, I can hang with him if Mike can't see me.
I added more poems to my page of poems for Mike. Check them out. I'm going to try to add a lot of poetry in the next few days. So, look for it. :) It's just the same as my thoughts in my journal, just with a little rhythm.
That's all for now. Maybe, my mom will let me go up to Mike's so I can be there for him before and after the funeral if he goes. Everything is so depressing right now. I hate it...but I'm trying so hard not to let it get to me. I've made it 17 years so far...I'm sure I can make it another 17 at least.
Take care. AsHeZ
Monday, March 13, 2000
8:54 PM
I just got back from Ruby Tuesday’s. It just opened not long ago here. I went with my Mom, brother, and step-dad. It was all right. My brother leaves tomorrow. I never got to do anything with him. I never do, though. He comes up and then next thing I know he’s back in North Carolina.I had a bad day today. I think I like the weeks when I am by myself in class. Sara doesn’t pay much attention to me anymore and neither does Amanda. Every time I go to talk to Sara, Amanda or someone interrupts or even Sara will start talking to someone. I guess my friendship isn’t important anymore to anyone but the Hyndman people. The Hyndman crew is my family, but I miss Sara and Morgan, too. They are the only ones I really have up here, and I haven’t hung out with them for most this year. They never want to hang out and if they do I sure don’t know. Sara tells me she does but that Morgan never wants to do anything, and then Morgan tells me the same thing about Sara. They’ve both been my good friends for a long time, so I don’t know whom to believe. I’m tired of being fucked over, though. Sometimes Sara says it’s because I’m always with Mike. Well, sure, because I have no one else to be with. To hang out with her, though, her girlfriend would be there because Morgan is my friend, too. So, she can't really say much about me being with Mike. For once I have a guy who truly loves me and treats me right. I have to be there for him and do all I can to keep us together. I’m so alone without him, and I’m terrible at being alone. Being alone is only time for me to cry. That’s all I do when I am by myself.
I’m finding myself falling into depression again. It’s not because of Mike. He’s the only thing I have that makes me happy. I’m not sure what it is. Whether it’s the fact that friends are slipping away one by one or that it’s just my sickness making me feel this way. I’m over the reason that gave me depression in the first place, but I haven’t gotten rid of the disease. This awful sadness that lurks inside my body, screwing with my mind and heart, gets worse every time I get upset. I’ve started feeling like I’m not the one for Mike. Though, I know for sure that he’s the one for me. I just don’t feel good enough for him and that he’s too good for me. Maybe, I am right, and maybe this is why I feel so sick inside.
Tuesday, March 14, 2000
12:16 AM
I took a break from writing. I was getting too upset earlier and I wanted to be away from the computer in case Mike needed to call me sometime to talk if he couldn’t sleep. He might still. I just know that right now I need to be exactly what he needs. The people in Hyndman lost a good friend over the weekend, Chris Logsdon. Mike had seen Chris right before he went skating Friday, after not seeing him for awhile. He’s really edgy about the loss. Fleegle and Minnick drank with him and Chris left Minnick’s to go home and that’s when he wrecked. He was almost home and I guess lost control and hit a tree. Minnick and Fleegle think his death is their fault because they say “we bought the beer that killed him.” It’s not their fault, though. People die when they are meant to die. I believe so anyway. I have to believe that or I would be so angry from many losses that I have gone through. It’s easier this way.I called Justin after talking to Mike after school. I needed someone to talk to and I was afraid Sara would be mad at me if Morgan had talked with her about things I talked to Morgan about. I don’t like telling Sara things anymore anyway. I don’t think what I have to talk about means anything. She’s the only one, other than Mike, I feel I can talk to. But anymore it seems like I throw too much shit on her to help me out with that she might think it’s just “another one of Ashley’s problems”. My mom got me into thinking like that. Anyway, I talked to Justin for awhile. I found it’s not him who is engaged because I asked if he was still a fiancé. It’s his brother that's engaged. In fact, I think he said his brother is married now. All this time, I thought he was close to being a married man. I thought it was funny. He did, too. I didn’t think a crazy guy like him was tied down. I always thought it was funny, but now I understand. *L* He asked about Sara and Morgan…and I talked to him about them, but without throwing any shit onto his shoulders. I thought I would just catch up on stuff for now. We talked about how bands change once they are popular, and what we’ve both been up to. I kept getting tele-company calls and his sister kept pressing buttons on the phone so we just decided to talk another time. We had talked awhile anyway. (the time is 12:34. MAKE A WISH!!! I wish for Mike and I to stay together forever happily…) I was happy to be able to have someone to talk to and get my mind off things.
I tried not to think about the guy who had died and how much Mike is saddened by it. It seemed like everything I did, though, reminded me of it. I turned on the T.V and the first thing on was a punker sitting at a grave talking to it and crying. I closed my eyes and tried to erase the thought of Mike doing that at Chris’ grave someday. I stopped writing earlier because I started thinking a lot about how much this is hurting Mike and I’m not able to be up there to give him someone to lean on and talk to. I know he has his friends, but I want to be there when stuff like this happens, too. I cried a little, but I stopped because I didn’t know the man so I feel like I don’t have the right to cry. It just hurts me to know Mike is hurting. To hear him talk with hurt in his voice just tore me to pieces today. I wish I could take away the feeling of pain from his heart so he could only ever be happy. I do my best, but sometimes I don’t try as hard as I could. I listen to the Pretenders song “I’ll Stand by You” over and over everyday. It’s the perfect song from me to him.
I got Katrina Spresser's address yesterday. That was really kewl. Something good happened at least considering all the other crap. She goes back to Kansas today, though. She’s getting married in May. She’s still in school but she’s dropping out and I think she already got her G.E.D or is going to get it. I don’t know.
Well, this is getting so long and I’m tired of thinking so I might try to sleep tonight. I was hoping Mike would call but I don’t think he’s going to. I miss him. I miss him so much and I wish I could be there for him. I feel terrible that I can’t be. I’m sorry, Mike. It seems like I’m never there when you really need me. Hopefully, you’ll give me time to make up for it in the future. I love you. Good Night reader.
“Nothing you confess, could make me love you less…I’ll stand by you.”
~ Pretenders
Monday, March 13, 2000
12:27 AM
I went to Hyndman all weekend. Brad’s sister was in town so we hung out with her. We went to the mall and stuff. It was boring because the show was canceled and this place sux ass. I wish there would have been something fun for us to do while she was up here. Sorry, there wasn’t, Heather!!!Mike and I got into it really bad at the Mall, but we talked it out at night. I went to bed as soon as we got to his house. I heard him come into his room but then I didn’t hear music come on or him leave. I looked up and didn’t see him. Then, I thought “I bet he’s on the floor”. Sure enough, he was. I started laughing because it was funny seeing him down there. I asked him why he was down there and he shrugged. Then, I told him to come up into the bed because he looked funny on the floor. He said “Why? All I do is make you mad.” I tried making him laugh and he did a little. Finally, he came up with me and we talked and hugged. I hate when we’re angry with each other. The feeling of something other than love kills me when it’s with him. The rest of the weekend was really great with him. We talked a lot. I’ve needed to talk lately but I just didn’t know how to say some things. I almost started crying really hard once when we were talking out the mall thing because he said “maybe, you should find someone else.” I was going to tell him that I didn’t think I was the one for him because all I do is get in the way it seems, but I didn’t because of the way I felt when he asked me what he did. My answer was “I don’t want anyone else” because I don’t and never will I. I don’t know how I could ever not love Mike. We’ve been together 5 month’s and 13 days and I can’t stand not seeing him just one day. He’s my best friend and my whole world all in one. Who could ask for more? He’s more than I deserve. He’s my heart. Without him, I’d crumble to my grave. I don’t want anyone else’s arms around me, hands touching me or to hold. I don’t need anyone else’s eyes to look into, anothers laugh dancing through my ears. I don’t want to know anothers dreams and troubles. I would never and could never even think about being with another. I love Mike too much.
Nothing else is going on. Nothing I can think of. I should go to bed. I’m missing Mike being by me right now so I think I will try to sleep before I get all lonely feeling.
Good night to you. I love you, Mike. More and more everyday. :)
Friday, March 10, 2000
1:47 AM
I am feeling better. I’m not as bitchy as I have been. I feel terrible because I’ve treated Mike like shit. I should never treat him bad. He never treats me bad. I can’t stand myself sometimes. I don’t know how he puts up with me…Thank you for doing so, Mike. You are the greatest to me. I love you with all my heart.Just today I told Manda goodbye. She gave out my journal password to Will’s girlfriend, who hates me, and Jessica, Brad’s ex. So, she betrayed my trust and made it seem like my heart, thoughts and all mean nothing. So, I let her have it and told her to never call again, not like she ever does anyway. But, mainly that it is over this time.
I was so lonely today. It was one of the many “I can’t take the loneliness today” days. I was really depressed. I started crying pretty bad and I hate to cry. I tried calling Sara to see if she wanted to do anything. She wasn’t busy but she didn’t want to do anything. She’d rather hang out with her girlfriend, I guess. Mike was out at a friends. So, I went to the mall and bought 3 CD’s: Kittie, Rage Against the Machine, and a Saturday Night Live CD. It has Green Day, Nirvana, Hole, Pretenders all live…and much more. I got it because the Pretenders song “I’ll Stand By You” has been in my head and it was on there. I didn’t want a whole Pretenders CD because I knew I wouldn’t like it.
I bought my prom dress and I got shoes and all. The bad thing is I got these shoes that have a big thick heal that is pretty tall and I’m already taller than Mike. Hehehee. Oh well, it’ll be OK.
Justin, the guy I met when I had to stay in the hospital, was at the mall today! Last time I saw him was the day I got out of the hospital which was like the first day of school this year. I thought he was still in boot camp. I couldn’t believe it. At first, when I saw him I wasn’t sure it was him because it seemed too crazy for Justin to be out running around rather than in boot camp. But, it was. I started shaking in my shoes when I saw him. Only because he was the only one who saved me in the hospital. He was my only friend and we went through a lot together in the hospital. No one else could have made me laugh when I was in there. I owe him so much. It took me awhile to go up to him. I was outside waiting for my mom to show up to get my dress and he was outside with a friend. When I did get the nerve, to make sure it was really him, I was like “Ju..stin?” He looked up, looked at me for a second, and then was like “Holy shit!” It was crazy. We talked a little and he gave me his number so we could see how each other has been doing. Make sure neither of us are thinking of killing ourselves. Heh. I don’t know…he’s a special guy because if he wouldn’t have talked to me in the hospital to take my mind of shit I would have found ways to kill myself there. I’m really serious. That was my plan till I met a friend.
***Don’t worry Mike. In case it seems like I might like Justin it’s not like that. He’s just someone I owe a lot to. I’ll tell him about the show, if I even get a chance to call him about it, and if he goes you can meet him in case you are uneasy about him. You know you are the only guy I love more than anyone. I can't help it...I know you trust me but you know how bad I am about being afraid something is cheating. Like my dreams...*frown* So, I had to let you know.***
Hmm. What else is new? I have new poems. I don’t know if they are up, yet, in my poetry section so here they are and then I’m off to bed:
Secret to Loving Someone
No one knows the secret to loving someone...
Because everyone holds their own ways of needing love.
As I stand in front of you right now I wonder what your secret is.
What would keep you near me forever?I wonder if it may be the way you are held...
The way I look at you...
The taste of my lips...
Or maybe it’s the way our hands fit together?
Maybe it’s just the fact that I love you more than anyone ever will
And you know so...
Because that is my secret to being loved...
And you’ve already figured it out.Dedicated to: Mike Butterfield
This Gift of Passion
Suddenly, a warmth surrounded me and the skies darkness faded to sun.
When the gray over my eyes disappeared, I blinked a few times to see what was before me.
A piece of heaven so sincere and kind was waiting ahead.
The smile of an angel filled my heart with happiness in one unforgettable flash.
What had I done to be given this gift of passion?
I wondered as a hand reached out towards mine and I took it gratefully and promising.
Before now, I could have never even dreamt of a lover as wonderful as you are to me.
You’ve given me a fantasy that I thought would never arrive.
With the ways you make me smile all the time…
How you hold me close to your heart with every embrace…
The softness in your voice towards me always…
I could never be unhappy with you by my side.
The only dream I have now is to keep your angelic eyes, filled with complete kindness,
Looking into mine till forever ends.Dedicated to: Mike Butterfield ~ I LOVE YOU!
Tuesday, March 07, 2000
11:37 PM
Boy love is tough. This entry is confusing because my thoughts are so fucked right now.Ever felt like you aren’t everything to the one you love. Mike is the world to me but I don’t think I’m everything to him. He says I am but when Minnick is around he acts like he doesn’t love me as much as he does when it’s just him and I. I feel that if there would be a reason Mike would have to choose between Minnick and me, he would choose Minnick. He agrees with everything that Minnick has to say, it seems. I bet Minnick says a lot of shit behind my back and I am sure Mike agrees with it all or says something like “I don’t know what is wrong with her today…” or just sighs or something. Minnick is like a brother that I hate. I care for him like I do with friends, and I know he would help me out if I ever needed it, but when it comes to Mike, I feel like I have to compete with Minnick. I feel like I am the one in the way. I’m holding Mike back or something…I haven’t asked him to change anything about himself, but still I think I’m only making more problems for him.
I’m sorry for this bullshit…but I’ve changed my entire worthless fucking life for you, Mike. I hate drugs, I never thought once that I would have sex before marriage…and all that’s changed FOR YOU. I never thought I’d see the day where I would buy drugs or do them almost on a daily bases. IT IS NOT MY LIFE but I have no choice because to get rid of drugs I would be saying goodbye to you…which means I’d be saying goodbye to living. I HATE LIFE, but I love you more than anything I’ve ever loved or hated before. More than any feeling I’ve ever had…I can’t feel like I’m not the world to you. I’ve never been loved so much that I have no worries. All I’ve ever had is pain. No one knows my life…my past that has eaten my happiness and filled me with depression. The feeling of being left behind because that person needed drugs instead of me…it was the most painful thing I could have ever experienced. And feeling like I would be thrown away again, if I asked you to stop smoking weed, is just as painful. I can’t deal with weed anymore. I don’t want it around or near me. What can you do, though? Tell me you won’t bring it around me, not do it when I am around…what good will that do? That means you’ll go out and do it when I’m not around, mostly with Minnick. I don’t trust Minnick anymore. He’s hasn’t got a life and it’s like he’s trying to bring you down with him because he doesn’t want to be the only loser. When Minnick comes over, I usually end up sitting away from you and Minnick takes my place. YES, it is jealousy because I feel like I have to compare with Minnick but I am nothing like him. I hate drugs and I can’t handle all the smoke in your room and the smell of weed all the time. I am the one who has to stay there at night and sleep in your room with the smoke. OK, so maybe I should just not stay the night anymore. That’s what I’m afraid you are thinking. I’m so afraid to speak my mind because I don’t want to lose you…
fuck…I don’t even know what to say. There’s so much inside I need to let out but I don’t know what good it’ll do. Who is really listening…Who really gives a damn?
I love Mike and I want to marry him someday…I know he knows it, but does it mean anything to him? When someone mentions me as “daughter-in-law”, sometimes he says “someday” or something like that, but usually he just says nothing and puts a look on his face that says “yeah right…” or “never”. I’m not with him to just be with him and someday have it end. NO FUCKING WAY. I am with him because I want to spend the rest of my life with him and if he doesn’t feel the same then I’m gone…dead…because MIKE you are my only fucking life left…Help me out a little with would you? I’ve given up a lot for you, some things that I can’t ever take back. I’ve kept a lot inside from you, too, because I just wanted to love you and let you do everything you want and never ask of anything from you, but I’m so fucked up inside that I can’t hold much in anymore. So here goes:
I feel like one day Minnick is going to get in the way of us completely and you will leave me.
I feel like if I were to ask you to stop smoking weed you wouldn’t…you’d either tell me you can’t and you just won’t bring it around me or you would just do it without telling me.
I feel like you don’t love me where you would marry me someday.
I feel like you don’t understand how my depression fucks with my emotions and makes me angry or sad for no reason. Or the problem only girls get…it is a reason to get moody, you have to realize that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I’m only in the way of your life and who you really are.
I feel like one day you will change like the people in my past and all of a sudden hate my guts where I can’t even talk to you to get you to tell me what is wrong so I can understand or get you to love me again.
I need you to know, I love you more than anything and the day you decide to leave me I really am going to give up my life. NO buts about it. I won’t let anyone save me again. I know you are the one for me, but I don’t think I am good enough for you and lately all I’ve been doing is crying. I’m feeling ill inside and I’m not sure how much more emptiness I can take.
You are so good to me but when Minnick is around you change…it’s like I’m not even there. I can’t feel that way because I’ve felt that way for most of my life.
My friends aren’t there for me. It’s just you. I need you every minute of my life and I know I have to give you space, but I don’t know how. You wanted me to move in with you but if I were to, that wouldn’t be giving you space at all. Your friends probably think “GOD, DOESN’T SHE EVER GO AWAY?????” You know, if you told me you wanted to hang with them I wouldn’t say anything but OK about it. It’s just that I have nothing else to do. You are my life. I’m so confused inside because I am going to be starting my life soon with work and living other places and all. I have to think of how I will live and keep you in my life. I can’t lose you. You have to know that. But, I can’t feel like I’m only in the way…I shouldn’t have to with you. If we are going to be together for life then I should feel like I am number one in your life…you are in mine. I love you and I hope you aren’t angry. I had to get this shit out. I don’t know what more to say.
I probably have a lot left inside but I can’t think anymore. Here are some songs:
UNFORGIVEN II
BY METALLICALay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true
If you can understand the me, than I can understand the youLay beside me, under wicked sky
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this paralyzed
The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shiningWhat I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for youWhat I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?Come lay beside me, this won't hurt I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me, but she'll be there when I'm gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be thereWhat I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for youWhat I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are you're eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes now I see itWhat I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for youWhat I've felt, what I've known
So sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits,
The one who waits for youOh what I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you (So I dub thee unforgiven)Oh, what I've felt
Oh, what I've knownI take this key (never free)
And I bury it (never me) in you
Because you're unforgiven tooNever free
Never me
'Cause you're unforgiven too
Oh
I'LL STAND BY YOU
BY PRETENDERSOh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
come on and come to me now
don't be ashamed to cry
let me see you through
'cause I’ve seen the dark side too
when the night falls on you
you don't know what to do
nothing you confess
could make me love you lessI'll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by youSo if you're mad, get mad
don't hold it all inside
come on and talk to me now
hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
well I’m a lot like you
when you're standing at the crossroads
and don't know which path to choose
let me come along
'cause even if you're wrongI'll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
take me in, into your darkest hour
and I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by youAnd when...
When the night falls on you, baby
you're feeling all alone
you won't be on your ownI'll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt youI'll stand by you
take me in, into your darkest hour
and I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
I LOVE YOU, MIKE.
Monday, March 06, 2000
4:58 AM
It’s late or maybe really early for some people. I’m still up. I haven’t even attempted to sleep. I guess, since I only have a half-day of school today and no school Tuesday. I see a lot of sleeping happening today later.I think I might go get some new shoes and maybe some clothes today after school. Sara got these new shoes that I want. I really like them and she says they are really comfortable.
Maybe, Mike can get a ride up or something and we can hang at the mall together and then I can go to his house. His parents said I could stay Monday till Tuesday, but my mom would rather me stay home. She’ll let me go to his house, if I keep asking. I’m not sure, though, because I should let Mike have time to his friends whenever possible. I’m always with him on weekends; I can give him space at least on the weekdays. I don’t want to but he’s going to get sick of me, otherwise. I’m sure you know how it is. It’s just that lately, all the dreams I’ve had have been bad and they are all about Mike. They’re like him changing like my ex’s did. You know, how one day they love you so much and then the next it’s like they are your worst enemy and you can’t understand why and they won’t even give you a chance to wonder. Mike said he’s having bad dreams about me, too, just like the ones I have of him. That can’t be a good sign unless it means we both are so afraid to lose the other. I hope that’s the only meaning.
I’ve been downloading all these themes for my computer. I am trying to find some to the movie City of Angels with Meg Ryan and Nicolas Cage. So, far I have a screen saver and background to the City of Angels. I want a theme, though. I am listening to the soundtrack of the movie.
If I could look like anyone in the world it would be Meg Ryan. I think she is so awesome. She’s such a great actress, too. I love her in the City of Angels movie.
Jen, Will’s girl, couldn’t help get over the damn subject about the pictures of Will. So, I guess whenever I see her, we’re going to get into it big time. Ooooh...I’m really scared.
I wish I knew what people had against me, though. I never did anything to her but she hates me. I don’t hate anyone really. I might dislike them, but if someone I didn’t like was in some kind of trouble I’d be sure to help them out. I just don’t get why people have to start on others just for the hell of it when they know it’s only going to lead up to fighting…and what the hell does kicking each others ass solve??? *sigh* I’m just such a dreamer…I still think it’s possible for the world to come to peace. Funny, aren’t I?
I wish I could find the new address to write to Justin. Last time we wrote was way before Halloween even. I owe him just about my life, so the least I can do is write him. I just don’t know where I put his mom’s phone number or anything. *frown* I just feel bad when I don’t write people.
Only a few more hours till school. I feel better than I did yesterday. Girls…you know what I am talking about. *L* Damn, the pain of being a female!!!
Well, I guess I will put this entry onto my site for you to read and then find some more desktop things or something…
I’m such a night person…I hate mornings and the afternoon…but I love evenings and nighttime.
Good night to you and I wish you sweet dreams.
I love you (more), Mike…!!! (hahahahahaha)
Wednesday, March 01, 2000
11:45 PM
This morning I was telling my mom about this Jen girl (who writes in my guestbook) that says I sleep around and shit and I ended up saying that I told the girl I've only been with one person and went on about something else. Well, mom stopped me and asked what I meant by being with only one person. I said nothing. She asked if I was having sex...and I said maybe. She freaked out and we got into an argument. How super...Well, not long ago she came into my room and talked more about it. I was still pissed about how she acted earlier but I chilled out. I was shaking like crazy because she wasn't yelling and was actually trying to talk right and calmly about it. (I guess that's just my side effects from depression or anti-depressants. Though, I don't take them anymore, when things go well my body gets overly happy. I don't smile or anything but I cry happily for so long.) She's just trying to do a good job. I know this. Before she came in my room, though, I talked to my brother, Jeremiah, about it all and he told me lots of good stuff. He made me promise not to have sex anymore until I'm on a pill. So, I have to do that. Mike should understand. I know he will, in fact. He wants me to see the doctor and everything. Mom said he is a good guy and she is happy for me to have found him.Mike is a great guy. He's never once tried to hurt me. He's learned everything he shouldn't do me...like grab me by my wrists. It scares me terribly. No matter who it is. Mostly, it's simple things like that. I love Mike so very much. He understands, he learns, and he listens. Unlike, most guys would just do something or forget about what they shouldn't do and just keep thinking apologizing fixes things. He's not like that at all. He gets it the first time. I didn't know guys his age were mature like that. I thought they all slept around and only wanted one thing...but I was wrong. I hope that we stay together forever. I don't think I could start over again if he left me. Not when I gave him all that I am. I couldn't stand or handle doing things with another guy. There's no way. I'd rather die.
Well, nothing more is on my mind right now. I will write later.
HAPPY 4 MONTH ANNIVERSARY BABY!!!
Tuesday, February 29, 2000
11:25 PM
Tomorrow it will be 4 months for Mike and I. It's great. I actually see this one lasting. 4 months and no problems. Nothing at all wrong. It's kind of eery...but I love it. I love Mike sooooooooooooo much.The thing with Jen is getting on my nerves, let me tell you. I swear, I'm going to choke her or something.
Brad has found this girl and I am happy for him. I hope it works out greatly. Jessica and him just weren't right because Jessica has too many problems to settle with someone like Brad. I thought they would be great together but obviously Brad was too good for her and she just wasn't enough...mature that is...He needs someone that won't play mind games and will care for him rather than fuck around.
Not sure what else to say. A poet from TYWC asked for my password to my journal because they like to read another "real" persons thoughts. I was pretty thrilled about that because that's what my intention was for my journal. Not to just update my friends on it but to let others experience anothers life and maybe learn that not only they go through some of things they may be going through as I am at the same time. I thought it was awesome.
Well, good night. :)
Monday, February 28, 2000
6:04 PM
Well, I finally have a password. Obviously, you know that. I'd appreciate that you who recieve the password will not tell anyone. I will send it to all that I wish to see my journal.Well, Will didn't talk to me today and after school he gave me a bad look. I erased all the things in the guestbook about Jen and took off Will's pics. I found out someone told Jen I am obsessed with Will...YEAH RIGHT. So, I am proving to her that NO ONE WANTS WILL. I love Mike and only Mike for ever and ever. I don't give a fuck about other guys.
Yup. That's all.
Sunday, February 27, 2000
8:04 PM
Hello, you. I had a great weekend. Spent it with Myke. That's how I like it. I am bored now, and answering all my email from kewl people and bitches. Nothing really to say. So, maybe I will write later.
Thursday, February 24, 2000
11:49 PM
I’ve written so many entries about depression and how I don’t want to go on anymore. That is what is on my mind right now…but I don’t want to write about it. It seems I have to, though, because I have to get it out and there’s no one to talk to. No one fully understands anyway.Today was a terrible day. It was just one little thing after the other, finally it added up, and now here I am: crying my eyes out and writing about it when I need to get rest for the placement test tomorrow.
About one topic…I’ll just say, “I hate girls who act like they are 10 when it comes to their guys.” Some girls think every friend of their boyfriend that is female is trying to hit on him or take him. I hate that so bad. I’ve always been faithful and I would NEVER cheat on Myke. I’ve never cheated on anyone. I’m also tired of hearing rumors about me about doing stuff with other guys and everything. Like Chad spread around that we screwed when I have never came close to doing anything like that with any guy in my past. David, Bill and Gabe and who knows whom else that I went out with spread that we screwed, too. I don’t get why people think I sleep around like some lil’ hoochee MaMa (Heh. that’s a funny word), other than the stupid rumors. I don’t care, though, but I hate knowing people think I am that way.
I don’t know why I am so upset. I’m happy with my life right now, but if I think about it there’s nothing great in my life right now other than Myke. I base my life around him. If I didn’t I would just kill myself and get this shit going on with other stuff over with. I’m so tired of holding on but there is always someone keeping me alive. Inside I’m so sick. I hate depression but I HATE medicine. If I was born this way then I have to deal with it rather than being drugged with anti-depressions to feel happy. God, I might as well smoke weed everyday if I wanted that. My head is so confused. What if I am holding on so strongly for Myke and we just end up blistering away like ex boyfriends? I can’t do it again…start over. I know I am young…almost 18…but GOD…I’m so sore from my life. My past is so torn and I wish there was a way that I could forget everything in my past. EVERYTHING. I want to crawl in a hole with Myke’s presence…but doesn’t that sound so pathetic? It’s true, though. I almost gave up once when I was with Myke…but he was the first to prove to me it would hurt him so bad that he would give up as well. I’ve heard people tell me they would die if I let go, but I know they wouldn’t. I’m not warped. Myke doesn’t have me brainwashed where I revolve around him. I KNOW what that’s like..
A BIG FUCK YOU TO DAVID AND GABRIEL.
I have so much I want to say. To call out to you who reads this…but even I don’t know where I am trying to get to. So, I should go to bed and sleep this day off. MOM KNOWS ASHLEY ALWAYS HAS BAD DAYS. Yeah…WHATEVER, MOM. You always know the right things to say…..don’t you????? raaah.
night world.
Wednesday, February 23, 2000
11:05 PM
I’m so bored. Yep. That’s me. Bored. Bored. Bored. Not much has gone on. I mean, stuff has happened but nothing to talk about. I am sitting here and listening to Marc Anthony’s new cd. Yep. I like it a lot. I’m into that slow “Ricky Martin” sounding shit. Oh well.Well, that first paragraph was from hours ago. I am listening to Bad religion and about to go to bed soon.
Mike is supposedly coming over tomorrow. I HOPE SO.
My hair is black now. Yup. Everyone is shocked to see it one color.
Yep. This is just a quick update. Laters.
FINALLY FRIDAY!!!!, February 18, 2000
12:00 PM
Well, my interview thing at school went good. I wasn't nervous until near the end of it. It was kewl. Yup. Enough about school...I was chatting with Myke and I realized other people and love are weird to me. Other people are so confused with love. I've been there, but now, it seems so easy to love someone. I know what I want and I am with what I want & need. Manda says she loves Chris and that I am sure of myself...but now she isn't sure if she loves this other guy or not. NO MANDA!!!!! You don't love him. It's way too soon. It's a crush that I see ending soon. Too soon. I don't know...but, also you needed someone sXe. Well, you got someone...and sXe people aren't sexual people...that's part of being straightedge. If you think ToMe thinks you're a whore then that is why because when I was sXe I thought people who had sex where whores and jerks, too. So, you aren’t giving up just the drugs, you have to give sex up, too. I wouldn't worry, though. It's not about giving others a chance, like you said, it's about giving yourself a chance...I have a feeling soon enough you'll see where you really want and need to be. I believe it'll be right in the eyes of Chris. I know you always say "GOD!!!! Everyone wants me to be with Chris!!!!!" And there are things there I don't know, but from my point of view it looks good to me and I think you would find yourself really happy if you just loved Chris and let him love you rather than trying to make him perfect in your point of view. I used to set my standards high: 1. Cannot date anyone who does drugs. 2. Will not be with someone who will want sex or has had sex...and so on...Well, I found out everyone out there has pretty much done or does these things. I prefer you not going to the sXe life, Hun. For real. It's no fun because you miss out on a lot. I'm not talking about sex and drugs. I'm talking about knowing people. I used to look at them and if I saw a cigarette coming out of their mouth, I turned my head...now, it's like...I want to know people...because the things they do don't make who they are. It's what's inside. And there's a lot of good in Chris waiting for you!!!!
I think my parents are wanting to tell me to go to bed but I am updating right now so blaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! No, just kidding. I get off when they say. I'm hoping for at least a 2-hour delay tomorrow because it's supposed to storm and stuff. I don't see anything happening out there but damnit it will!!!!! It better!!!! (hehe) I'm so awake right now. I am listening to hard-core Techno. I love rave music. IT'S SO GREAT....
Which reminds me. Two friends invited Myke and I to Pittsburgh with them this weekend. WHOOO!!! It'll be awesome. My mom and Myke's Mom said we can go. It's great. My friends are going to a rave. I'm not sure if Myke and I will go to the Rave or not. We might just walk around. I don't know but it'll be great because Myke and I both want to move to Pitt. together someday so it'll be like living a dream for a weekend. hehehe.
Gosh, IT WOULD BE SO GREAT IF I DON'T HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!!!!!! I want to update everything on my page but I just don't know where to begin. PLUS, I want to make new quiz thingies and stuff for YOU people who come to my site.
AHHHH! AN ICQ MESSAGE!!! WHOOOOOOOOO.
I miss Myke, my brothers and sista, my daddaay, aaaand Justin and I don't know who else.
Gabe left his wife...what a loser.. His excuse: "I don't want to be married anymore.." I HOPE HE DIES.
Gotta get to bed, bye bye. I love you Myke!!
Sunday, February 14, 2000
11:16 PM
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! I never did get to see Myke today because Neil decided not to bring him up. I didn't mind, though. I don't need a holiday to know Myke loves me and prove my love to him. *SMILE* He was upset, though...so we talked a little on the phone and I let him go to sleep.
Not much else to say but here is the journal thing I had been working on: JoUrNaL KrAzY
Sunday, February 13, 2000
9:02 PM
I don't know what the hell is going on right now. It's weird. Jeff just gave me black curtains for my room. They are awesome. He got them because I had these white curtains and a blanket over them because the sun hits my computer during the day. Now, I don't need the blanket. whoo hoo.I had a great weekend with Myke. It had been awhile since we actually got to be together.
Finally, told the Malerie girl that I don't like her. I hate Ashton, though. They both, I swear, if either call Myke again, they're dead.
My hair is blue now. I like it. Everyone else does, too.
I am listening to the Lonestar song "Amazed". I bought the CD and tape single of it. I'm trying to get it to be the prom song. I think it's going to be because a lot of people want it to be. Funny, because someone chose Green Day's "Time of Your Life" to be the song and I don't want it to be. If it is that's really awesome, though.
I miss Myke already.
Manda wrote something about Chris and I. This is what it said: “It is so hard. To sit there & watch your friends kill themselves. So what do you do? You tried to make them stop, but you finally came to the realization that it is impossible. You can't change some one. The only thing you can do is let them know you love them & warn them that you might just walk away one of these days. But you will always be around if they really need you, because you are their friend. Then the day comes & you have to do what is best for you. So what do you do? Walk away. I couldn't handle it. You probably wouldn't be able to handle it either. I love you ash. I love Chris too. I will always be around. But I must separate myself from my pain. I must live my life the way I want to...poison free. “ I don't think she wants to hang out with me anymore. I'm not sure. I'm going to email her. I hope not. She's been a best friend for awhile now. Lately, we just haven't been together. But when I think about it, her and I have been through hell together. We've been through a lot. I don't think I'm ready to let go of her. I mean, I might have Myke, but I do need her as a friend.
I miss my older brother, Christopher, a lot lately. I've tried calling and emailing but I never get an answer.
I finally wrote Justin back. The guy that helped me survive in the hospital. Without him being my friend I would've snapped in there. I hope he writes back.
Mike got me a card shaped like a kitty, a stuffed, white kitty that plays music and a leopard bracelet and candy hearts for Valentine's Day. I got him a red, Bad Religion shirt, a card, certain candy hearts, and this red and black teddy bear. He's coming up tomorrow he says and we're doing something. He wouldn't tell me what. I think he's taking me out to eat, I don't know. He doesn't need to. :) I know he cares. :)
Well, I don't know what else to say. Oh. I have this interview thing in school. Each shop teacher had to chose a senior for it and I am Mr. K's only senior. It's this fake interview thing. But, I have to dress up, have a portfolio and a resume for it. Then, I have to be interview by real big company people in front of the other seniors. It's gunna suck. I'm not ready for it. Besides, I have blue hair...but I'm not changing that. heh.
Here are the lyrics to the Lonestar song:
“AMAZED”
- By Lonestar
Every time our eyes meet.
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take.Baby, when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I’ve never been this close to anyone
Or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams.CHORUS:
I don’t know how you do what you do
I’m so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I’m amazed by you.The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
Touch every place in my heart
Oh, it feels like the first time, every time
I want to spend the whole night
In your eyesI don’t know how you do what you do
I’m so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by missed
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I’m amazed by you.Every little thing that you do
I’m so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do Oh ho yeahEvery little thing that you do
Baby I’m amazed by you.That's my song to Myke...
Cya
Wednesday, February 02, 2000
9:57 AM
I realized how much Myke really does care for me over this weekend. I knew I meant something to him because he’s different, somehow, than all the rest I’ve ever been with. It’s just this weekend really proved a lot to me.What happened was I ended up crying a lot in front of him and he was getting frustrated because I wouldn’t tell him anything except that it was about my mom. He wanted to help but I didn’t know how to tell him what was going on inside me. He started getting upset which made it worse on me since he’s the only one who treats me right and loves me as much as he does. It all became too much and I just wanted to end it all but I didn't. I kept going in and out of the bathroom and he came in once to see if I was throwing up because he knows I do when I am upset because of my depression making me sick. We talked and promised to never fight over other people. We made up and I tried my best to explain everything to him. He told me so much that I’ve never heard before. Things that somehow made me smile. He saw my arm (that I had done something to in the bathroom…) because he saw it when my sleeve came up once. I couldn’t tell him it wasn’t how I felt (what was carved on my arm: I hate myself), like he wanted, but I promised not to let go because of my asshole parents. He knows I’m only hanging on for him. I just can't wait till I graduate this year so I can get the hell away from this place and live with him. I'll actually be happy for once. I know I deserve it, too.
I go for my driving test some time this month. So, I’ll be able to go see Myke a lot. Plus, I turn 18 April 14th so I won’t have to follow the curfew too long.
Well, Beall didn’t have school, so I am home doing nothing. It’s earlier and I hoped Myke didn’t have school but he did. I hope I see him today and not at Bob’s. I hate Bob’s.
Here is a song that reminds me of Myke:
Full of Grace
The winter here's cold and bitter,
it's chilled us to the bone.
We haven't seen the sun for weeks,
too long, too far from home.
I feel just like I'm sinking,
and I claw for solid ground.
I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,
and, oh, darkness, I feel like letting go.If all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place.
I know I can love you much better than
this:
Full of grace, Full of grace, my love.It's better this way,
I said,
Haven't seen this place before.
Where everything we say and do,
hurts us all the more.
It's just that we stayed too long
in the same old sickly scheme,
and I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,
and, oh, darkness, I feel like letting go.If all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than
this:
Full of grace, full of grace.I know I can love you much better than this.
It's better this way.
-Sarah MchlachlanSee ya people.
Tuesday, February 01, 2000
Not sure time
I don’t know what I last put in my journal. I’ll see when I upload this.I want to see Myke today because today makes it 3 months for us. I hope I see him tomorrow. It’s snowing again so hopefully it doesn’t snow too bad where I can’t see him. I hate school so bad because I can’t see him. **frown**
Buzzchat doesn’t work anymore and I want to find out who this girl is again for Myke. Now, I go to Amanda’s Table...but it sux.
Right now, I am waiting for Myke to call. I really wish I could see him. I’m so bored and alone. I tried to catch a ride with Jessica to Hyndman but I always call right after she leaves.
I talked to Manda today. She’s giving up on Chris. You gotta do what you gotta do, is what I say.
I’m not really liking this journal idea anymore because so many people go to my site. I might change it to another address and only let certain people know it. I don’t want other people, like younger girls and whoever, reading my life anymore. Infact, I might do that after Myke calls. If he calls. He said 6. It’s 6:22 but I was on the internet right at 6. So, I might just call him. AAAAAAAAH. I wish I could see him. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had friends who actually hung out and stuff to keep me company and smiling, but I don’t have that. I never really did.
I feel like talking till Myke calls. Hopefully, it doesn’t freeze my computer up.
Yep. I guess I will go watch tv, though. I HATE T.V. IT makes me feel like I don’t have a life.
I’m recording songs to my computer since all the ones I had before were erased. Right now, I am recording a song called “Flames” by VAST. It reminds me of Myke. **SIGH** This might make me lonely and sad, though, listening to this.
I hate it here. Alone...a place I’ve been stuck to hurt over people many times...too many times. Too many bad fucking memories. I can’t wait till I get away from here. I’m so exhausted from crying.
Sunday, January 23, 2000
10:56 PM
daaaamn. I got really used to being with Mike this weekend. I've been there since Thursday. Missed school Friday because I got stranded...luckily. :) NOw, I am home again. *SIGH!!!* I miss him so much now!!!! I don't know how I'll ever sleep tonight. He is supposedly at Brad Shoemakers watching something. I want to call him. I probably will soon...Brad's sister goes back home tomorrow. It was god seeing her. We hung out and had some fun this time.
I dyed Mike's moms hair blond. It looks really good.
I'm on Buzzchat. Brooke won't talk to me. GEE I WONDER WHY. Donald, from Bob's, is on. He's chatting a little.
I don't have much to say right now because I want to hurry and call Mike.
I will write more later. c ya
Wednesday, January 19, 2000
2:12 AM
I’ve been in Hyndman since Friday. I miss Mike so much now. I got used to staying there with him. *frown* I can’t wait till school is out. I skipped it Monday because a bunch of us stayed at Mike’s, and Bill’s girlfriend Nicole didn’t want to be the only girl there, so Mom let me stay. That was kewl of her.It’s really snowy out and looks pretty icy so hopefully there won’t be any school tomorrow.
I went to the Brooke girls house. The one who attacked Mike in school. I banged so hard on her door but no one answered. She was probably in Cumberland. She just better hope I never see her anywhere.
I hear Chad is dating quite a few people, like usual. I don’t get why girls go for him…I wish I knew why I did. I’m glad I grew up…I want to let this one girl know about him but she probably wouldn’t care or would think I was trying to get them to break up…like I fucking care who he is with. I just don’t want to see her hurt because of him. What can I do, though? I’m tired of trying to help people out…I’m fine dealing with my life…and only mine. It’s the only way for me to stay happy because my life is going great.
I’ve been away for awhile and I really don’t have much to say…I just like to write things here to put on this wacky page.
I am so awake…and it’s 2:06 in the morning. Maybe, I should sleep because I’ll probably have school knowing my luck. RAAAAAAH!!!! Well, I’ve got a joke for ya:
Why didn’t Brad cross the road?
Because there was a girl over there.
No…you can’t know who that’s about…and it’s funny if you knew…but it was something to say.
Time for bed.
Friday, January 14, 2000
1:15 PM
Hey to you. Things are going much better around here. One of the guys from Bob's that tried to fight us, and the only one that goes to my school, got kicked out yesterday. So, I don't have to worry about him. He got kicked out for saying racist comments. Bet he feels real smart now.I'm going to Mike's today. After I write this I'm calling my mom to see if she'll take me up so I can be there when he get's out of school. Everyone else wants us to go skating so we probably will later on.
The girl who attacked Mike in school talked to me last night on Buzz chat. She tried to get me to believe SHE beat HIS ass, when I heard Jesse slammed the girl into a locker and all. Mike won't hit a girl...so of course, he couldn't kick her ass. Well, I said everything I wanted to say to her and the last thing she said was "Punk Ass Bitch!!!" I was like..."Thanx for the comment." I told her I'd see her this weekend...
On Sunday, my relationship with Mike will be his longest ever. I'm going to feel very special on that day. *smile* He has about a year and a half left to get passed my longest relationship, though. hehe. My mom wants me and him to go out and eat with my Grandma or someone because it'll be my Grandpa's moms birthday...something like that...but of course she isn't alive anymore. So, we might...
Well, that's all. I'm going to go to Hyndman, now.
Have a great weekend.
Thursday, January 13, 2000
12:44 AM
*SIGH*Oh, how much more can life possibly throw on me in the next few days? It's getting worse and worse everyday...but my strength is staying balanced. My friend who was huffing the stupid Duster pulled me aside today in school as I was walking to my shop class. He said "What's this I heard you say the other day about beating my ass?" I laughed and said, "Yeah, Mike and I both are going to beat you down if we see you huffing that shit anymore." Then, he said, "Don't worry. I'm done with it." I asked if he could promise it and he did. I told him how scared I was when I saw him fall and everyone else was scared, too. He said so was he and that's why he's done. So, obviously when it comes down to it...him (and I'm sure Sara and them) do care about themselves. So, I'm glad I don't need to worry about him anymore.
Some guy said shit at Bob’s Billiards. He couldn’t stick up for himself against me so he had to get BIG buddies to bitch at my boyfriend and our friends. They wanted to fight and shit. I couldn’t take anymore. They followed us outside when we (Mike, Adam, and me) were leaving. I went off so bad on them outside. I let them know how retarded they act. A crowd started to grow and I don't put on shows so I left. Girls were cheering for me and shit because I was going off hard-core. But that shit doesn't matter. When I got home I lost it. I don’t know what it is I do wrong that makes people attack me in every way. I can’t get them to leave me alone so I asked mom and Jeff to go up to Bob's and see what they can do...You know, how parents can be like "You bother my daughter again and I'm going to...." Well, first my mom was like just sit down and let it go but I was so upset and I told her I can't let it go anymore. Jeff said "Why do you think people say shit to you...look at you...you're hair..." I DON'T GET IT!!! It's hair!!!! It's called a color!!!!! What they hell is so wrong with having a hair color that not many others have???????????? It's just not brown or blond or whatever....does a color make me such a bad person????? Am I harming the world by it??? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, why can’t people back off and mind their own damn business???? They weren’t there when we went up. I told my mom if anyone at school says something stupid to me tomorrow, since one of the guys goes to my school, I’m going right to the office. I’m doing well in school. I passed all my Midterms…(some how) and I’m not going to fail because of them. That’s all people have wanted from me…is to see me fail…to hurt and to lose. It won’t happen. I’m too strong in the mind…I won’t give up on myself anymore.
I’m ready to move on…IGNORE AND FORGET…everyone who seems to hate my guts. This can be my New year’s Resolution…besides the other one I already made…THANX TO ALL OF YOU WHO ARE HELPING ME AND GIVING ME ADVICE AND LOVE. It’s you who gave me the strength to write what is in this journal entry.
Peace out.
Tuesday, January 11, 2000
7:08 PM
I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE!!!! I’m falling apart more and more each day, and I’ve never been this depressed. I’m so afraid. Why give up my life for them??? To make them happy??? It just seems so much easier. They don’t care about how much and how hard I cry…and burn inside. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I’VE DONE WRONG. Why does my stepdad hate me so much that he has to kill me everyday????????? Why do all my friends not care about themselves anymore that they have to go out and destroy themselves????? It all seems like it’s my fault. I love Mike to death…He’s the only one keeping me from the sleeping pills resting on my dresser just waiting…waiting for me to swallow them all. I don’t want to hold on anymore at all. It hurts too much inside of me living another day. I’m only happy when I am with Mike. He’s EVERYTHING to me, but I can’t see him everyday. And when I am not with him I am so scared of things. I don’t know what it is. I can’t sleep without him, I can’t smile without him, and I can’t hold on without him. There’s no one else helping me keep myself alive anymore. If there is a God, boy, does he know how much I need to let go. All it takes is love from my parents and my friends…and I can’t seem to receive it. No matter what they do, there’s always something afterwards that hurts me again. I wish my life would hurry up, at least to where I am far away from here, with happiness in my soul. A place with Mike and friends who care enough for me to not go out and destroy themselves.This morning I was late for school. I woke up late but I got ready in time. Then, my stepdad purposely took his good ol’ time because he knew it would make me late and in trouble at school. My mom and him were arguing about something and in the car when he finally decided to take me to school he said he was tired of fighting with my mom because of me. I DIDN’T DO A DAMN THING!!!! I was like “say whatever, because I know not to believe that anymore, Jeff. It’s not my fault you two bicker all the god damn time.” He was like “OK whatever, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH insults…blah…” I said “Jeff, you can’t bring me down anymore, you can say all the immature things you want because it’s not going to make me feel bad.” Then he said “You should feel bad every time you look in the mirror.” I fucking hate him. He drives around with the window down all the time no matter how cold out it is. But, when he smokes he winds them up… it makes me sick, and he knows it. It sux fat ass. But, I’ll be out of here soon. Mike’s family said that as soon as I graduate I can move in with him because he’ll live with his grandma and grandpa. His mom and brother are moving down the road in another house. So, there will be room. I think I’m going to. It sounds risky but Mike and I really plan to stay together. :) He tells me that if I move in I have to stay forever. hehe.
With friends…I thought I almost lost one just yesterday night. This one guy, Toad (Todd), has been huffing this Duster and I’ve beat on him for it and everything but he doesn’t care what happens to himself he said. But, last night, a bunch of us were in this parking lot and he was doing it and all of a sudden he just collapsed. There was blood coming out his mouth and everything. We all thought he had frozen his lungs…but he got up a few minutes later saying he passed out and when he hit the ground he bit his lip. He knew I was pissed as all hell. He saw me in school today and stood beside me like he wanted to say something but then he just walked away. I wouldn’t have been ready if he were to die. Not now…I couldn’t handle it. But, it killed me inside seeing him fall to the ground. I would have felt guilt for it if he were to die because I didn’t try harder to make him stop…I try so hard, though, but I’ve been told many times…I didn’t try hard enough.
I wrote my best friend Sara a letter about how I miss her, and need her, and how there’s so much shit going on in my life and I don’t mean to get pissed when she takes certain drugs but I don’t want anything to happen to her. She wrote me an apology and told me she is here for me and everything. It made me really happy, but it’s just not the same anymore. Craig and her aren’t here like they used to be.
As for Craig, I did get to talk to him on the Internet today. It’s been a long time since we talked. He is back with Jamie and doesn’t know why. He cheated on her already again. He’s doing so many drugs….so many crazy fucking drugs that I can’t stop him from. I couldn’t stop him a long time ago when I knew I meant something to him, so I can’t stop him now. He’s too far gone from me and I left him a long time ago.
I hate the life I’m growing up into, though. In one of my favorite movies, it says something like “Beginnings are hard, and endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts…” I hope this is still the beginning for me. I’m trying hard not to make it the end already. I just hope the middle comes soon. I hope to everything that Mike never leaves me…especially soon…because I don’t want to have my story end, yet.
Monday, January 10, 2000
1:26 AM
Why, hello to you reading my journal. Whoever you may be. If you are Mike then "I love you."I've been doing all right. This weekend went by quick...and wasn’t as great as others...but we won't get into that too much. It’s going to be a great week because we have Friday and Monday off. WHOO HOO!!! I hate this week because I eat alone and I am in class alone, which isn’t too bad considering I don’t have to hear my friends talk about whether or not they have some ritalin to shove up there stupid noses to get high or whatever it does. I got pretty upset on Friday in school because of them fucking themselves up…Mr. K talked to me at the end of the day, though. I just told him I’m going to stop caring as much as I do…because it’s the only way for it not to effect me.
I hung out with Mike over the weekend. Him and his brother got into it like normal siblings do on Saturday night...and it went from there. Sunday, I was pretty upset and started throwing up a lot. I know when I would get into arguments with my parents I used to say "I don't care what happens to me and I hope I do get sent away"...and things like that because I was mad…but now I have to care about myself for Mike. I have to make sure I get to stay around for him to help him through things and give him all he needs. He said those things when he was yelling at his mom...and I hid my pain till he went to sleep that night. I wonder if he really doesn’t care if he is sent away or if something bad happens to him. Sometimes, I worry a lot when I am not with him because if he gets into it with his family or someone I can’t stop him if he ends up wanting to do something to himself. He also said he has no one. I hope he just meant by family. I feel alone, too, but I’m learning quickly to make him all I need. He’s the only one who keeps me from overdosing one last time...I can’t wait till I am out of school and with him all the time other than when he is at school. Maybe, then he won’t feel so alone, because then I’ll be like family. Then, someday I hope to be his family…I don’t have any doubts with him. I trust his words of him staying and I know he trusts me. He has no right not to. I love him to death, and I always will. Any guy that even tries to get with me and knows I am with him is getting their ass kicked. That just makes me think they think I’m a slut or something and that’s something I’ll NEVER be. That’s my choice and NO ONE else’s.
Here is a band I love:
(click pic for webpage). Their CD “Lights, Camera, Revolution” is the best CD I’ve ever heard. Mike let me borrow it for a while. I first heard it from Manda. They are awesome. They have this city sound to them. I love it a lot. It’s a pretty emotional CD. You’ve got to hear it. Whenever I can find lyrics of theirs on the web I’ll post my favorites.
Well, I need to get to bed. Hopefully, I can sleep alone tonight. Good Night.
P.S. I know this background seems hippi like...but the notebook thing was boring.
Thursday, January 06, 2000
5:12 PM
I didn't go to school today. I had a cold but that's not why I stayed home. Once again, I couldn't sleep last night...well, in a way I did...I just don't know how to explain this. Twice now I've had dreams of tripping. I have never taken acid in my life so I really don't know what it's like. I guess, since the night before I never even tried to sleep that I was so tired that my mind took over my body. I laid down to sleep...and right away, I was scared. Scared of everything in my room, scared of every noise heard, just plain scared of the night...and I was so scared to fall asleep last night...and I don't know why. I kept thinking that if I fell asleep I would never wake up. I was so tired, though, and couldn't keep myself awake as I shook underneath my covers. The dreams started as soon as my eyes were closed. I had so many dreams. The first one was when I laid right down, I thought of my favorite stuffed animal that is on my floor at the bottom of my bed. I thought of it crawling up and laying beside me but it was mean. After a minute, I started screaming and finally I got up (in my dream) and went to my mom’s room. I really wanted to in real life, too, because I really think things happen when I think of them. I just couldn’t get myself up. After awhile, though, I started dreaming about a man being in the house. I’ve had the dream a lot. He’s walking from the living room towards my room in the hallway. That’s the only part I’ve ever dreamt except for last night he came into my room. Whenever that happened I tried to wake up but I couldn’t. I kept dreaming about being awake over and over but I wasn’t. My dreams kept making me think I was getting up from bed and going to my moms room like I wanted to. One of the times I was in the mans place and I was my soul and I ran back into my room and jumped onto my bed into my body. It was so real. It was like my dreams were real and I was really having an out of the body experience. I saw the whole jump and I know my body jumped in real life when my soul landed in my body in my dream. I was so scared…shaking so badly because I couldn’t get myself to wake up. It went on for at least an hour. I was so lost in my dreams. Finally, I got myself up and ran to my moms room hoping I wouldn’t see the man in the hallway. When I got to my mom’s door and knocked a little the hallway door to the garage sounded like it was going to open so I just hurried to open the door to my moms room and kept saying her name. She woke up and said right away to just come lay down because I guess she knew I was scared by my voice. When I laid down with her she said she couldn't sleep, either. I was so afraid to close my eyes again, but I did and the dreams started again. I don’t know what is going on inside my head, but when I dreamt waking up over and over and couldn’t really wake myself up was so frightening. I don’t know if it was because I was sick with a small cold or not. I felt scared in my rooms, though, because I thought I might still be dreaming and actually still be in my room and I couldn’t tell. I had my eyes wide open for a little bit but I still felt I was dreaming. I don’t know how to explain all this to get you who is reading his to understand. The feelings I had, the things I saw…It was a long trip that I couldn’t escape from…I’m so afraid to go to sleep tonight. I’m so afraid to even close my eyes. If there’s one thing I wish for…it’s to have a way where someone could reach into my dreams and kill the man who abuses my mind. Even to say these words frighten me, because if he lives inside my head then he knows my every though, and he knows I want him dead.
Thursday, January 06, 2000
12:25 AM
My favorite place in the whole world: Pittsburgh.
I got to see Manda at Bob's yesterday. It showed me how much I actually miss her. I didn't get to talk to her much because I didn't think she wanted to talk about anything. I'm sure she hears it a lot from people: "Are you feeling better?" I know that got on my nerves when I was down and under because "NO"...you don't feel better...I never did. I never could. I didn't know how. All I knew how to do was feel worthless and cry all the time...and struggle to keep myself from overdosing again...there isn't even a sign of feeling better...ever again. But, it does happen...and for me, it happened because of her, Sara, and then Myke. Myke really picked me up before I slipped again and that's one reason he means a lot to me. I owe all three my life. I probably wouldn't even be here if it weren't for them...hell, I know I wouldn't be because of the junk I swallowed the last time. I never want to have to go through that shit again. With me, or with them.I didn't get any sleep last night. I didn't even attempt to lay down to sleep. I kept falling asleep in school, though. "Skleo" woke me up after first period telling me it was time to go. I was like "thanks, man." And then drifted off again...So, he shook me and was like "Hey.... Come on. Get up..." and then finally I did.
Then, I looked at a paper I meant to study with last night for my Biology midterm but I thought I didn’t have it in my bookbag…but I did. So, I looked it over really quick. Then, when I got the test…none of what I had studied was on the damn thing. I was like…”OK, here we go. Another test to make me feel like a fucking dumb ass…” But, I got an 82% on it anyway. I DON’T KNOW HOW! But, I was happy, so I have like an A in the class…but the homework in that class is easy and I get A’s on them all, so even if I would have failed the midterm I would have probably only went down to like a C. I doubt I passed my Environmental Science one, though. I’ve only taken the class like 3 times…and I can’t pass it. I have to pass it this year, though, or I won’t graduate…and that’ll suck. I’m not about to go to summer school 3 years in a row. I want to graduate with Craig and them…damnit. Hell, what do I care? School isn’t ever going to help me in the long run anyway. I’ll probably live on the streets at some point in my life. That’s all I am…pathetic…
Well, I’m off to bed…I really don’t know what else to say…I want to say more, but who really is reading this? No one…ah, I'll say more...
I’m listening to this song Gabriel used to sing to me. I listen to this song because it makes me feel OK. It doesn’t remind me of Gabriel…I mean, it does but it doesn’t make me miss him or anything. It just gives me a feeling of being protected, I guess. Here are the lyrics…(yes, these songs are actually about God, but I don’t believe in God, so it just means a person to me):
SOMETIMES BY STEP
Sometimes the night was beautiful
Sometimes the sky was so far away
Sometimes it seemed to stoop so close
You could touch it but your heart would break
Sometimes the morning came too soon
Sometimes the day could be so hot
There was so much work left to do
But so much You'd already done
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
Sometimes I think of Abraham
How one star he saw had been lit for me
He was a stranger in this land
And I am that, no less than he
And on this road to righteousness
Sometimes the climb can be so steep
I may falter in my steps
But never beyond Your reach
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
And I will follow You all of my days
(Sometimes the night . . .)
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
And I will follow You all of my days
(. . . Was beautiful)
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
And I will follow You all of my days
(So beautiful)
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
(Oh God, you are my God)
And I will follow You all of my days
(Oh God, you are my God)
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
And I will follow You all of my days
(Sometimes the night . . .)
And I will follow You all of my days ---that’s the one he would sing…This next one does remind me of him…but don’t think I’m not over him…because I love Myke more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life…
“IF I STAND”
There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room
And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side
And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegence
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
And if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his homeIt’s mainly the part that says “And if I weep let it be as a man. Who is longing for his home.” He always seemed to miss his home when we were together… I hope he’s found it now. I've found it in Myke.
Here is the last one:
WE ARE NOT AS STRONG AS WE THINK WE ARE
Well, it took the hand of God Almighty
To part the waters of the sea
But it only took one little lie
To separate you and me
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are
And they say that one day Joshua
Made the sun stand still in the sky
But I can't even keep these thoughts of you from passing by
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are
We are frail, we are fearfully and wonderfully made
Forged in the fires of human passion
Choking on the fumes of selfish rage
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are
And the Master said their faith was
Gonna make them mountains move
But me, I tremble like a hill on a fault line
Just at the thought of how I lost you
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are
We are frail, we are fearfully and wonderfully made
Forged in the fires of human passion
Choking on the fumes of selfish rage
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are
And if you make me laugh
I know I could make you like me
'Cause when I laugh I can be a lot of fun
But we can't do that I know that it is frightening
What I don't know is why we can't hold on
We can't hold on.
It took the hand of God Almighty
To part the waters of the sea
But it only took one little lie
To separate you and me
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are
When you love you walk on the water
Just don't stumble on the waves
We all want to go there somethin' awful
But to stand there it takes some grace
'Cause oh, we are not as strong
As we think we are
No, we are not as strong
As we think we are
Walk on the water
Walk on the water
If we could just hold on
Just hold onOk, that’s all I’m going to bore you with. Good night to you…Maybe, you are holding someone as you sleep…are you that lucky? I wish I was…I just toss and turn and hide from the games my mind plays on me….
Sunday, January 03, 2000
1:23 AM
Kewl. It is 1:23.Happy New Year, even, though, I'm late saying it.
My New Years was all right, but it was sad. Mainly, the part where a bunch of us were going to hang out with friends at this guy’s house, and when we got there we saw a cop and all these people dressed up. Finally, the guys Mom said we would have to leave because there had been a death in the family. It was the guys dad who died. He had gone upstairs and found his dad dead. We left right away, but it had me upset. I guess, since we had been joking around all that day about how we wished some place would be bombed or something would happen since everyone kept flipping about the stupid Y2K shit…I guess it wouldn’t have been kewl after all.
I just realized, I will have a new teacher tomorrow for English. This will be my classes 3rd teacher this year. First, we had Mr. King but then Mrs. Green got a free period and she is certified with an English degree and Mr. King isn't so we were switched. Now, Mrs. Green was offered some other job in the office so she took it. Now, we'll have this new teacher. I guess she'll be kewl. Mrs. Green is going to be helping her with grades and stuff for awhile, though.
Oh, I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I wouldn't mind but I think this week I'm alone in class. It didn't suck before but now no one sits with me at lunch because none of my friends eat with me. It's boring sitting around all day. I wish Myke went to my school or I went to his. I would be so much happier. His mom and grandma let me know I would be allowed to move into their home after I graduate. Myke's mom is planning on moving into their other house so there would be more room in his grandma's. So, if mom is sooooo damn serious about kicking me out right away, then, I have no worries. My plan with work and school is to go to AC or FSU for a year while Myke is finishing his senior year, and then going from there. Hopefully, Pittsburgh. We both want to go there. I just need some place new. To start a new life...where I don't have to come home to hear someone bitching all the time, and know I'm safe and happy. I'm just so scared about growing up and it seems like no one is going to be there to help. I guess, that's why I was so attached to Gabriel. He was older and had been there, done that. He knew how to live alone...but he's gone...and I never understood why he was taken from me till now...now that I've found Myke. I was meant to learn on my own, I suppose. I just don't want to struggle...with money and whatever is out there. I want to be able to go out there and just do it right. Without having to call for help...without having to come around where I'll see my step-dad. I'm sure he'll be smiling more around me once I'm out of "HIS" house. He has made me aware of this since he thought of telling me to "GO LIVE WITH YOUR DAD!" since "God knows when". Ahhh, damn I am rambling on. I'm just scared.
I'm lost about my friends. I feel like I have no one to turn to except for Myke. I mean, Morgan and Sara have each other...and Manda...I'm not sure what is going on with her. I have a feeling she's wanting to fade away from me and other certain people. She has been really sick lately, but I've called a lot and I've gotten no return calls. She's just someone who hugs me when things go wrong and someone I want to be there for; she sticks up for me because she'll say anything like I do for her. I've never really had a friend who would do these things...I would walk through fire for her...but I'm not sure if it matters to her anymore...and it's making me feel like a lot of me is missing...
I'm so lonely all the time unless I'm with Myke. I don't understand how my friends keep fading away. I know there isn't much to do around here, but there's this emptiness growing inside me and it's bringing me down a lot...even sometimes when I'm with Myke. I fight the tears, but with school and being in class alone, and coming home only to wait till Myke calls, and no one to hang with is making depression creep right back to me. I guess I’m supposed to ignore it and act like everything is kewl.
Well, I wasted so much worthless time writing stuff down that doesn’t even matter that it’s time for me to hit the hay.
See ya.
Wednesday, December 29, 1999
9:56 PM
I feel like writing a story...I'm going to post some lyrics today:
FADE INTO YOU
I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there.
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew
A stranger's light comes on slowly
A stranger's heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew
I think it's strange you never knewLyrics by: Mazzy Star
I miss myke...
Saturday, December 25, 1999
12:29 AM
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
So far things are going well. I spent the passed two days with Myke. Just how I like it. I would love to see him tomorrow but I believe I will be at my dads unless it snows. Myke said it's snowing there. I don't see any here.I got some leopard stuff for christmas. A leopard belt and pajama's and this carrying thing. I got some other kewl stuff, too. If it's not really snowy, Scully & Bobbi and Myke and I are going to go to Altoona to get some kewl stuff since we'll have x-mas money. I'm just going to buy Myke a lot of stuff.
Well, I need to get to bed if I am going to my dad's early...so, Happy New year and be careful.
Thursday, December 23, 1999
2:20 AM
I'm freezing...my heater isn't working in my room. It sux. I am trying to get to bed so I can wake up, do some stuff, then see Myke. I'm probably going to stay in Hyndman tonight. There isn't much on my mind other than Myke...so, I'll just say "I love you Myke...nothing will ever change that...I promise you."
Wednesday, December 21, 1999
11:26 PM
It feels like it's 4 in the morning. I talked for a long time with Myke on the phone. I had to call him. I had watched this flipped out movie and it had me all upset.Right now, though, I'm coughing up my lungs. My eyes are all watery and shit.
My brother was coming into town but he got stranded in Winchester so my parents had to go get him. They've been gone for like 5 hours. That's why I'm really flipping out. I can't be home alone at night...My mind is to imaginative.
I cried my eyes out forever earlier because I was shutting the sliding doors in the kitchen and my cat, Vampy, was running outside and the door shut on her head and she had a spasm or something. I thought I had smashed her head so hard she was dying. It hit her hard. She kept trying to run from me because I wanted to pick her up and hold her to see if she was OK. Finally, she let me and I held her for a long time trying to see if she was going to be OK. I was crying so hard. If she would have been seriously hurt...shit...I don't know what I would have done. I love my cats...I love animals. I'd rather smash some humans head in a freaking door than an animals. I called Myke after that, too.
We talked on the phone a lot today. I really wanted to see him today but neither of us could find a ride. So, I'm going to do all I can to find a ride tomorrow.
It's weird. It doesn't feel like Christmas is only like 5 days away. I guess that's what growing up is like. The excitment of life just fades away more and more...
I wish someone would get home so I could go to sleep.
I probably shouldn't go to school tomorrow because I'm really coughing bad and my throat hurts but since it's the last day till Christmas vacation I might as well.
I miss Myke. When Manda had brought us back to Bob's the other night and he had to leave I started crying. I guess some people would think it's pathetic. I really hate letting him go, though. I guess it's best, though, so he doesn't get sick of me.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I hate being sick!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to say, so I'm going.
Sunday, December 19, 1999
6:05 PM
Myke wasn't mad about the lip piercing. He did it, too, in Manda's car. We took the safety pins out, though, because the earrings we bought wouldn't fit. Mom wasn't mad but she was upset that it got swollen. She told me for christmas I could get it pierced professionally whenever the swelling goes down. That's kewl.I dyed my bangs red again. I think I might do my whole head but I will during the Christmas vacation, maybe. I told dad I'd bleach out my bangs before coming down if I do...but I might not.
I got the red plaid punk dress with zippers on the bottom of it. It's kewl.
I'm hoping Myke stays with me forever because something happened. Something I never wanted to do till marriage but I wanted to and he was good about it. He was really caring and everything. uhm...yep.
Myke stayed at my house the passed two nights. I liked him being here. I was happy but now he's gone and I miss him. Manda tells me we make her sick just because we care for each other...I don't know why...It bothers me, but I guess everyone has their own feelings about things.
Manda and Chris had an argument but now they are good again. It's a long story.
We get out of school for x-mas vacation on Wednesday and we go back Jan. 3rd. I can't wait.
I love you Myke...
Friday, December 17, 1999
5:55 PM
Holy shit.....I can't believe I just did this.It's making my stomach hurt from the pain. Myke might be mad because I yelled at him for doing it once. Well, I don't mind if he does it but I don't know. I've always wanted this. I can't get an earring in, though. All this blood is in my mouth. AAAAAAAAH. The metal is aching my skin....ahh this Green Day song will kewl me down.....pain....I can handle it....But, I'm never piercing my lip again!
I just redyed my hair red. It's about time. I got my senior pictures over with. My mom cried the whole time I was getting them taken because I had on nice girlie clothes. You'll see them sometime on my page....Well, I need to go. laters.
Tuesday, December 14, 1999
3:54 PM
I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know who I’ve become or what the hell I am doing. I spend my life wasting it on this stupid shit that makes me dizzy and scared. I get lost because I have no clue where I am and I get frightened. I always think someone or something is coming after me...and it's always there. It never leaves but it won't attack and I fear for when it shall. Then there are these drugs...the shit others do to get happy...that throw me down upon concrete leaving me helpless. No one to make me get up and walk away...no one to help me or make me stop. There has got to be someone out there who will grasp me tightly until I listen to them tell me what I need to do with myself...otherwise, I'm going to be laying on this cold gravel forever. I never thought this would be me. A strong-willed straight-edge girl...who failed and lost in the game. I was pulled in...the friends...the boyfriends...family...depression...the pills...I didn't get here on my own. I never wanted to be nothing. I never wanted to breathe in dirty air to get me high and laughing. I just wanted to be happy...I just wanted someone to love me...I needed friends...and it was the only way to get all that. All I wonder now is:Is any of this even real?
Does Myke love me? What if I said I wanted to stop drugs? Would he still? I think so. What if I said don't be high around me? Could it happen? I don't think so. If I give up getting high...I'm not going to want to be around anyone who is and I can't do that because I love Myke. If I lose him, I’ll be losing everything...my heart, my happiness, my sanity, my life...everything that I am. I just need a way to stop smoking up...and I think that means I need my medication because without something...my emotions are too screwed over and something bad will end up happening to me anyway.
The dream I had the other night...it was of me doing acid, which I’ve never done and never will do in real life. Myke was the only one recognizable in my dream. The other person seemed like it was Sara but I am not sure. The acid looked like red-hot rock candy. We were at my Dad’s house in the dining room. Myke handed me a ton of the rock candy looking acid and I took it. I got dizzy but that was it. I didn’t see anything…nothing. Myke and whoever else in the dream had been tripping off their asses. I went into my room (which in real life is my little sisters room) and laid on the bed reading a book. You could see out the window. It was rainy and foggy out. No sun…just dark coldness. A few minutes into the book I turned over from my side onto my back and laid there with my arms and legs spread and stared at the ceiling.
That’s when my Mom woke me up from my dream for school. I figured that I was ready to trip when I rolled over but I woke up instead. Sara gave me half a Zanex pill in school…it didn’t seem to do anything. After school, I went to Bob’s that night. I got there to see Myke and Sara and Morgan. Morgan and Sara were spaced out from pills and Myke was high off his ass that all he could do was smile. I started getting pissed because Myke seemed so different. Like he wasn’t even there. Later, he asked if I wanted to take a drive with him and others. I said sure. I got back to Bob’s after the ride as high as Myke. I was scared. Things were weird. I’d only been high like that about 3 times. I think it was a mixture of the weed and pill, unless the weed was laced with something. I HATE it. I freak out and think everyone is after me. I kept thinking Myke doesn’t love me and stupid shit like that. Now, still, I have all these doubts in my head. I don’t know what it is. I’m still dizzy…I’m still freaking out…and that was since 8 PM yesterday. It’s like my dream knew something was going to happen to me that day. Sara gave me a pill in school and she seemed a bit hazy in my dream. Myke gave me the drugs in my dream and he’s the one offering them in reality. It probably took place at my Dad’s house because I need him and he’s probably the one who needs to help me but he is so blind to see how I am because we never see each other. My room in the dream was in my sisters room because I feel she took my place…I love Myke. I love him so much…but I need to get away from drugs and I don’t know how without losing him and I will never let that happen. Every girl who looks at him wrong or calls him for a reason they shouldn’t will die. I’m not going to let him get rid of me. I can’t let him. But, I need to get rid of these drugs and find myself.
So, for today...I struggled to hide tears. As soon as I got home, I fell on my bed and covered my face in my pillow. I am hurting inside because of who I've become. I don't have any idea how to be strong towards myself and not lose Myke in the process. I'm so scared. I could lose my life either way...by continuing drugs or if somehow Myke were to leave me because for me to stop drugs is going to be hard. The people I hang out with...my emotions...it's going to be tough. I'm not sure if I can handle it but I am going to try. Check out my horoscope...I told you they are always right. Later.
Aries: 12/14/99
You may be feeling a little emotional, and it will be easier to go with it rather than fight those feelings. When frustration strikes, instead on hitting your head against a brick wall, take a few minutes to sit back and relax. A catnap might help. Don't try anything new today. If anything is unclear, sit on it for a couple of days to avoid misunderstandings. Do not sign any agreements. For those of you born in March, listen to the voice of authority.
I was emotional...and i couldn't fight the feeling even in school. I did take a 3 hour nap...and the rest is true as well...
A little update...I told Myke on the phone that I need to quit smoking pot and he said he's going to make me keep my word on it. I'm glad. I need the help.
Monday, December 13, 1999
12:18 PM
I'm in school. It's been a bad day. Everyone is grouchy. A kid sprayed this girl with a fire extinguisher and he got 5 days in school. Sorry about his luck...but he was being ignorant. I'm probably going to Bob's tonight. Myke should be there and Sara and Morgan are going to be there. I'm in a stupid mood. It just seems like everything is fading before my eyes. I know all I need is Myke but I miss hanging out with Sara all the time like before and I miss the Craig I once knew back in the day. I miss Ricky and Alleene and Teresa...all those people who mattered. I didn't eat much today. I did eat a bunch of candy, like usual...and then I drank a Pina Colada slushy and some water at lunch. I think I just don't feel good. Manda thinks she needs to see a docter for depression. I think she does, too. Her emotions are pretty fucked up like mine were/are. I just decided to give up medication and bullshit like that. She doesn't seem to know when to be happy or mad...seems like she's always pissed off at everything and everyone. I don't know what else to write other than I hope she figures out what needs to be done. Later.
Friday, December 10, 1999
1:20 AM
I am very tired. I miss Myke, I was really hoping to see him today but I didn't get to. It's OK. I am going to bed after I download this stuff from the Tom Green Show website. That's all for right now because I need to get to bed. Bye.
Wednesday, December 08, 1999
11:59 PM
It sure has been a few days since I updated this damn thing. Not much has gone on. I went to a show yesterday. It was pretty awesome. At first I didn’t think Myke would show up but he did and I got reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally happy! ‘Cuz everybody knows he makes me happy. **smile** I also finally got what needed to be said to Ashton (whore). She agreed with me pretty quick…which is very good on her part. I have to talk with…uhmmmmmm…..whatever the hell her name is…oh yeah. Malerie. Bitches just don’t understand that I’m not JUST with Myke….I’m REALLY WITH him…and I’ll kill whoever tries to steal him away or does take him away. I know…I’m pretty damn protective…and I know it’s fucking mean to call them bitches…so, I’ll say they aren’t bitches until they try something again…but then, they’ll just be dead…but I’ll make sure bitch is carved into their tomb stones whether I have to do it myself or not…Evil, they call me….evil………I don’t know why………
The other day I couldn’t get up to Hyndman see Myke and I was pretty upset but then Nathan came to save the day and took me up to see him!!! I stayed all weekend like usual. Both times we stayed at Minnick’s house. They had to practice at Roy Ouster’s house. It kind of sucked ass being there considering all these people were drunk…and Roy had changed a lot, and his brother, Shane, I used to date a long, long time ago had turned into a complete hick…it was weird. I didn’t like being there at all.
I hear Brendan and Jack (from 200 north) are moving to Florida…why?…..I don’t know. I guess us Maryland people aren’t good enough anymore. Though, as soon as I can I’m moving to Pittsburgh…only because that’s where I have always wanted to go. I must wait for Myke to get out of school, though, because he’s a year behind me. I will wait forever for him.
Heather and Jesse have been nice to me lately and it’s making me happy. They were really mad at me for something when I broke up with Brad and went out with Myke. It hurts really bad when people hate me…so, I’m glad they are being nice again.
I’ve been listening to the song Flames by VAST for the past 4 hours. Hehehee. Oh, well, I love the song. It reminds me of Myke a lot. It used to remind me of someone else but…that changed.
Well, other than the really bad chest pains I was having today that hurt so bad it got to the point I couldn’t breathe, talk or walk without being in killer pain…it was an OK day. Except, also, I didn’t see Myke. **frown** I will see him tomorrow and I can’t wait till THE SHOW ON THE 12TH AT FORT RECOVERY AT 3 PM FOR $6 OR $4 DOLLARS IF YOU BRING TWO CANS OF FOOD. (see the advertising -- pass it on) it is Scully’s birthday that day, too. It’s going to be kewl. I hope he has a good time.
Time for bed for me. Good night.
AsHeZ
Loves
Myke Butterfield
Friday, December 3rd, 1999
9:32 PM
My front page won't update so before I go off to Hyndman like usual here are some new poems:yep, that's all. I'm off to see my Sweetie.
Wednesday, December 1st, 1999
4:50 PM
The pain is burning like hell inside me and I feel more guilty the harder I cry. I just wish I could understand. Everything in life that I do somehow finds a way to make me feel like I did something wrong. Like I am going to regret it. I’ve been with Myke for a month now and I’m still the same. I’m pretty straight-edge when it comes to sex…yet, I’ve done more with him than anyone…and now I am a slut…That’s what I was told anyhow. I thought I was just in love but I guess not…I guess, now, I’m all these fucking things that most girls are. I try not to believe it and Myke tells me I‘m not…I was even apologized to from who called me it…but…I’ve always been so gullible. I believe anything…no matter what it is. It’s always been one of my biggest weaknesses. The main reason I’ve been hurt so much in my life. I’m not going to let go of Myke…I don’t care who gets in my way. I don’t care if Chris M. Says I’m going to back-stab Myke or whatever else he may say about me BEHIND MY BACK. (gee….what a hypocritical thing). I don’t care if his mother tries to put some kind of thing towards me that makes me have to stay away from Myke…I don’t care anymore…I guess they have to have me prove it with time…and I will for sure. It’s only Myke, now. Friends aren’t there…I have to write in a fucking journal to get them to listen or try to understand me. I’m so afraid to even say Myke understands…and is the only one who does…because I’ve said it before and was left alone…with a whole life time of depression to get over. It’s going to happen again…that’s all I see ahead. Maybe, all his friends getting mad at him and his mom getting mad at him are going to make him give up on me. Our saying is: “friends are more important”…and I hope so badly that he doesn’t give up on me because of them. I know they are important, too, but I want to love him too much...It’s not about me needing him because he's all I have or whatever for myself…I want to be there for HIM, to make HIM happy because I know I WILL NEVER HURT HIM. I know I will never do the things everyone thinks I will to him and what other girls have done to him. I have only broken up with 3 people in my life…one was when I was really young and didn’t even know what being in a relationship meant, the other was Chad and that’s because he had cheated on me, and the 3rd was Brad and that was because he started whining all the time and I couldn’t handle it because all it did was make my depression worse…another reason I broke up with Chad. Other than that, I stayed with the others because I was in love, like I am with Myke. I stayed with them through all kinds of hell: cheating, abuse, drugs & alcohol, and so many god-damn tears. People still don’t understand why I am depressed entirely and these are my reasons…I’ve lost so many that I would have died for and some that I almost did die for…and right now, being called names and being hated just because I love somebody is throwing me all the way back to the beginning of depression. I just hope to “god” that whoever does end up reading this doesn’t think “poor baby”. I’m not able to stop crying or hurting and getting over things like normal people. When I cry I don’t know how to stop. When I hurt all I want to do is die. Myke is really important to me…I know everyone has someone that means the world to them…well, mine is Myke. I don’t want Myke thinking this is his fault…these feelings that are killing me. It’s not. He didn’t force me into loving him…I fell all on my own. He doesn’t make people say or think the things they do about me. I know they are usually wrong about me, but it still hurts to know how bad of a person people think I am. Someone as emotional scarred as me doesn’t have the heart to hurt someone. I only know how to care…I try so hard. So, god-damn hard…and it’s never enough. I’m so tired of being hurt and labeled and judge by others…I’m not out to “use” Myke. HOW CAN I???? All I do is love him and make sure there is a smile on his face. It’s not just 3 words that I say all the time…it’s truth…honest words that I hope to say to him forever…and not just a forever that lasts till next month…a forever that means forever…no matter how weak I may get in the process…with him smiling beside me I will be able to manage.
Tuesday, November 30, 1999
12:10 PM
A little more ranting...this is just part of a reply to someones email...Heya. It's always good to find someone you truly love, that's for sure. Friends, to me, are more important than anything such as "FAMILY"...friends are my true family...and it's even greater when the one you love is your best friend.
I feel the same. I’ve always been out of place when I was younger and when I found out about punk...it just hit me...like WHOA...that's who I am and everyone in the “punk scene” accepted me. I’ll never let any of my friends down...punx care more than any fuck out there and people just don't understand that...but it's their loss.
Oh...the g.o.v.e.r.n.m.e.n.t. SUX ASS. I shall agree completely.
Tuesday, November 30, 1999
11:43 PM
I really don’t even want to go on about anything but I will. Today, was the first day in a while that I never got to see Myke. Obviously, it proved to me how much he really does mean to me. It just put me in this mood…this sad and angry mood. I’m managing, though. I just really, really hope I see him tomorrow.I watched TV all day (since I never, ever watch TV) which also mostly put me into this mood...I guess it started with watching Opera when this beautiful punk girl cried her eyes out in front of her mom and her mom didn't even crack a frown. They each had to tell each other what they felt and in the end the daughter had to say "Mom, I’m giving you a chance..." But the daughter, even though she said it, said "but, I know it won't happen...after we leave." It's like she was me and her mom was mine. Mine would have cried but she never has tried...not hard enough, anyway. It was because of how the punk girl looked and the mother could not accept it…and she was embarrassed to be seen with her daughter…HOW GOD DAMN PATHETIC…and I’ve heard it so many times before…”Don’t walk with me…” Then, I watched “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer” and got really scared but finally my mom got home and I started watching “Party of Five”. It had me all teary-eyed like usual, and afterwards I called Myke before taking a bath because I just wanted to tell him I loved him, but he was supposedly in bed. So, I took a bath and almost fell asleep again in the tub. It seems, anymore, every time I go to take a shower I almost slip and fall…and when I take a bath I get tired and just lay down on my side without any control over it and I sleep…but I always wake up right before my head is almost underwater. I think it’s from not having or taking my medicine…but I don’t need it because I am happy. Very happy.
Which brings me to my main thoughts lately: If Myke were to leave me…I would not manage. I’m very scared because I worry he doesn’t feel as strongly as I do about us. It’s like there is a blade pointed towards my heart waiting for the day he says he has to leave me…to spill my love out onto the earth below me. He’s everything to me. Only a few people have really ever been everything to me. I may have said it about others…but it was only a few…Gabriel & Craig. Craig is something so gone anymore and he took my love for him with him…there isn’t much left inside for him at all…just memories. I won’t go on about Gabriel because I don’t know how. Myke is more than Gabriel, though…and in such a short time I fell for him harder than I ever did for Gabriel…and I’m very scared that every now and then I will cry, because I just know…someday he’s going to leave and it’ll be worse than when Gabe left me…the only difference will is that O be I won’t be saved when I jump.
I love you Myke...more than you may ever understand.
Sunday, November 28, 1999
2:30 PM
Quote: Why inflict pain on oneself, when so many others are ready to save us the trouble?-- George W. PachaudTop of my head:
I spent most my night talking with Myke on the internet last night. I feel kind of bad because I felt like I wasn't letting him hang out with Brad. Brad was sharpening knives and stuff and said it was OK, otherwise, I would have gone to bed. I had to leave a light on last night to sleep because I was looking at a Blair Witch site, last night, and Myke wasn't there. Brad is coming over soon to pick me up. Myke keeps saying I'm going to get sick of him, but I'm not. I wish he would understand that. I'm going to change a little and get ready to go for whenever they decide to come up.
Manda:
Where is she????????? I'm calling her right now. Hmmm. Is she home? NOPE! She works till 3. Damnit. I'm going to end up in Hyndman again, but I want to talk to her at least before I go. I'll email her instead...incase I leave before she get's home.
Sara:
I miss hanging with her like the good old days...what more can I say?
Sexuality:
Everyone knows Brad S. is bi now. Myke's mom hates it and so do all the guys. They say if he even looks like he's acting gay he's getting his ass beat. I have a lot of gay friends so I'm not bothered by it.
Tonight:
I want to see a movie tonight. We don't have school tomorrow so I might be staying in Hyndman. I don't know. I'm not up for sleeping at the shop tonight, because it's really cold out. Hopefully, Myke can stay out for a long time.
Look What I Got:
Ooooh. That's a picture of Myke!!! Isn't he sexy? hehe. I think he is, but he's also the nicest guy, too...
Saturday, November 27, 1999
7:20 PM
Raaaah....It seems like forever since I've sat on this chair and typed on this keyboard. I've been spending as much time as possible with Myke. I bet he's sick of me. hehehe. He says I'll get sick of him but he's crazy...I'll never get sick of him...He's gunna stay longer than he may want. MU HA HA. (I'm just trying to scare you Myke...because I know someday you'll read this) My brother is in town. He's got a bunch of his "homies" (hahahaa) downstairs. My stepdad is making something and it smells really fucking great. I've got on Myke's Operation Ivy t-shirt and I'm listening to Agnostic Front. Whoa...Manda and I are Agnostic...keeewl. I just tried calling her but nobody was home...(I was alone...I was all by myself...no one was looking...I was thinking of you...) I've got Green Day ready to go in my cd player after I listen to Myke's cd and this other one Brad Shoemaker let me borrow. My brother had a ton of my cd's and the whole time I thought someone was stealing them all...He had all my Green Day cd's, LB, Metallica, Savage Garden, Pink Floyd, Live, and Sheryl Crowe...some that weren't worth missing. I listen to too much different shit...but I'm just like my dad when it comes to music.We both listen to whatever.Damnit...I feel empty...But, I figured I needed to give Myke some space... *frown*
Ashton...the lil' fucking bitch is gunna die...WHORE!!! Growl...
I have a ton of email to answer, I bet...but right now, I'm getting on yahoo to see if Myke and Brad are on...
Raaa....
Wednesday, November 24, 1999
12:24 AM
I am tired and didn't expect to update my journal but I am.Manda went to the hospital and Chris called to tell me. I was scared. I didn't know what was the matter. She had to get her chest scanned because she was hurting so bad from moshing. She's OK, though. She was given some medication so hopefully she feels better soon.
Tomorrow, I am staying at the shop in Hyndman with everyone. We're gunna celebrate Thanksgiving. There is gunna be a show December 12th at Fort Recovery. I know Auction Block and Immodium are playing. SO GO!!!!! (Manda...no moshing for you, hun!!!) That day is also Scully's birthday. He will be 19. That's kewl.
Scully and I hung out with some people after Bob's and taking Myke home. We were in Hyndman and Berky was there and he was so messed up. It was so funny!!! I was surprised when Scully told me Berky was only 18. I thought he was atleast 20.
Well, I just love Myke and I can't wait to see him tomorrow, and I hope Manda is feeling better, and all that kind of stuff. Happy Thanksgiving people. later~
Tuesday, November 23, 1999
12:07 AM
I went to Bob's tonite. Myke finally told me he loved me. I've heard him say it before but I never was sure. So, when he dropped me off at my house I told him that I loved him and he said it back. We talked on the phone when he got home and we said it before we got off again. I hope he doesn't think I am just saying it. I really do feel it. I've felt it for a long time, now, and finally I'm not scared to say it because I'm not worried it'll scare him away. Infact, he wasn't sure to tell me because he thought it would scare me...we seem to have a lot of the same thoughts I'm noticing. Everyone thinks him and I had sex on Friday, too, and we didn't. People know better than that about me...I'm waiting till marriage, hopefully. I'm too scared in the heart of being used and left behind like the many times before, though, I didn't have sex...but I was still thrown away like there was nothing...just a little girl thought to have no feelings...and I would sit back and take it because I was always in love and would do anything for the person. Well, that was childish stuff and I have grown up and I know right from wrong. I know it's right to say I love Myke. I know he won't hurt me because he's just not the type of guy. I hope not, anyway. So, far, I can tell he's here to treat me right and I am here to do the same for him. I love him and I'll do whatever it takes to keep him...but I still have my limits and he respects it.
Monday, November 22, 1999
1:58 PM
Manda is at home because she was moshing all last night and she's really sore. I hope she's OK. I remember the moshing days when the next day was hell. I was always cramped up and shit. I could barely walk sometimes. I hope her work lets her stay home because it's a bitch...it really is. Hope you feel better, Manda.I found out Manda does want to continue to be my best friend but she doesn't want me messed up around her. So, I'm going to be considerate and accept that. I don't wanna lose her as my friend so I'll do whatever it takes. I always have with my friends...and I say that because my old best friend from 10th grade who had been my best friend since like 6th grade was at the punk show. She's usually at them but I stared at her for a moment yesterday night and I remembered the past of sharing our poetry and having the fun we had. I still have a lot of her old notes and poetry and I still have a framed poem she made and wrote for me, for my birthday one year, on top of one of my speakers. I also have a poem she wrote for me when she knew I needed to know if someone cared anymore because I was becoming suicidal and it was her who kept me hanging on then. Still, I can't say I miss her but I miss the friendship we once held and the girl I once knew. I wonder what she's like now and if she still writes poetry. Even, though, she read the buttons on my jacket while I talked with Myke, it'd be like I am intruding if I asked her how things are and how her life is going. If I were someone else I know I would hate her for what she did to me back then. I'm just not like that. I know how great of a person she can be and that's more important than one wrong thing she's done. I'm not really sure what to say...
Brad's sis is in town. She went to the show last night. That's kewl. I hope she's going to Bob's tonight. I told Manda, her, me and Heather should hang out so Heather has some fun this time considering her last visit was hell. So, I'm gunna try to do that.
That's all. See ya.
Sunday, November 21, 1999
11:48 PM
Manda called around 4:30 and got me to wake up. She said her and Chris were trying to get a hold of me all day. I had to get up because they were coming over to finish watching the movies we got yesterday (I forget what they are called). When they came over after watching some of a movie we went to Bob's but no one was there. So, we went to the punk show. It was starting at 6 so I'm glad we went because we thought it started at 7 like usual. Myke showed up after awhile which made me very happy because my mom was all bitching before I left, and I was tired and hungry. I also moshed tonight because Craig's new band played. I had to for my them. After I was done, though, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach over and over. I'm not a very angry kid anymore who can handle physical pain like that. My right contact has been bothering me for awhile now. It sux. It's hurting like a bitch. I think I might go take it out and clean it but I think it's torn. I want to get one green contact. That'd be kewl. I love green eyes, but I like my eye color so I don't really wanna change it. I feel really sick, right now. I have all day.I think this horoscope from Friday is really funny because it came true:
Aries
It will be a fiery day for Aries, and you'll be practically unstoppable. You're loaded with energy, verve, fire and passion. The Moon has moved into your own Sign, so much can be achieved. Follow through on new ideas -- it's a good way to make sure they are completed. Try something you've never tried before, even something a little bit daring. Make any kind of move you wish to -- romantic, business or social. You're practically guaranteed success when you're this vibrant.
It's mainly all about the romance. hehehe.
Check ya later. AsheZ + Myke
Friday, November 19, 1999
5:04 PM
I’m starting to sink further into this guilt I’ve always held deep inside me. As this cigarette burns from my mouth it reminds me of how fast things are able to fade away. Like love and friends…and happiness. I’ve been happy, Myke has been making me happy, Manda has always kept me happy, Sara is there for me…but because of how I’ve changed from being completely sXe to a pot smoker and cigarette smoker…I see Manda and Sara look at me in disgust. They call me a hypocrite…but what does it make them when they tell me I shouldn’t do it when I stood by them when they both drank and Sara smoked up all the time and whatever else they did. Now, it’s like they want to give me up because I am like them and how they used to be. Life has so many parts to it that aren’t fair. I support being drug free but I’m just not, right now. This isn’t going to last too long. I will be back to my old self soon or later. For now, I’m gunna enjoy who I am…even if it leaves me with more, endless tears running down my skin and lonely in the heart.
Thursday, November 18, 1999
11:17 PM
Thursday, November 17, 1999
9:39 PM
What can I say...nothing will make anything better. I can't be perfect. Even when I was drug-free I was not perfect. Doing what everyone else does makes it easier for me and leaves me happy rather than angry...why can't I be allowed to be happy...and make everyone else happy at the same time? Either way, I'm a failure. So, please, just let me fail without you leaving me.A song by Candlebox called "You" :
You
You
It's for you
Only you
It's for youI never know
I never care
I never believe my people
I'll tell you what I say
I never lie
I never try
I never cry for you people
I'll push you
Push away
As you lonely people
Keep on running around my door
Yes, you lonely people
Keep on begging
Beg for more
And I'll cry for you
Yes I'll die for you
Pain in my heart it is real
And I'll tell you now how I feel inside
Feel in my heart it's for youIt's for you
Only you
It's for youI'll never try
I'll never die
I'll never push for you people
I'll tell you how I feel
I'll never lie
I'll never cry
I'll never try for you people
I'll tell you, yes it's real
And you lonely people
Keep on passing time away
Yes you lonely people keep on passing,
Pass awayAnd I'll cry for you
Yes, I'll die for you
Pain in my heart it is real
And I'll tell you now how I feel inside
Feel in my heart it's for you
And I'll take everything
As it comes my way
Pushin' your pain 'round my door
Will I cry for you as I die for you
Is this blood on my hands all for you?You shiver
And shudder
Recovers your mother
You feel it take control
All alone
Feel alive
In your soulCome around town
Steal another dime
Take another line
Won't you feel it
Blanket your soul
Out of mindCome around town
Steal another dime
Do another crime
Won't you get it higher & higher
Roll through timeCome around town
Steal another dime
Don't you push your drugs in my face
Yes, I'm feeling
Feeling fine
Don't you push your drugs in my face
Or I'm gonna put you in your place
Fuck you
I don't want it no more
And it's mine
Said this pain in my heart is all mine
Yes, it's mine all aloneI don't want it no more
I don't want it no more
I don't want it no more
I don't want it no moreAnd it's mine on my own
Yes, it's mine all alone
As I cry for you
Yes, I'll die for you
Pain in my heart, it is real
And I'll take
Everything as it comes my way
Feel in my heart it's for you
And I'll lie for you as I die for you
Pain in my heart it is real
And I'll tell you now
How I feel inside
Fuck you
It's for youLike Myke has said "Some things are more important..." If I have to chose between drugs and my bestfriend...then I guess I'll be going back to struggling through life and fighting for happiness...because I will not lose anymore people that I care for...and drugs will fucking perish.
