Gary Earl Ross

WBFO Commentary / April 27, 1999

Time required--2:30

Open Letter to Charlton Heston and the National Rifle Association

Dear Mr. Heston:

"...the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed." I know that you

hold these words as dear to your heart as I hold them to mine. And I know that you must be

taking a lot of heat right now because of those two confused boys in Littleton who shot up their

high school. Then permit me, sir, to offer you this brief note of support, a token of appreciation

for all that you and the NRA are doing to safeguard our rights.

Mr. Heston, we both know that gun control would have done nothing to stop what

happened in Colorado. Those boys were criminals and they were the only ones who had guns. If

all the students and teachers in that school had been permitted to carry concealed weapons, those

boys might have thought twice before trying to shoot up the library. Even if they managed to get

off a shot or two, somebody would have brought 'em down a lot faster.

Now the liberal media's been having a picnic with all this, and gun control freaks are

crawling out of the woodwork. This is the time to be strong, Mr. Heston, because right about

now our politicians have a high potential for wimping out on the gun issue. As Dan Quayle said,

this is just another excuse to take away our guns. They're going to want to start national

registration, so we'll have to fill out 40-page forms in triplicate. Do you know how much trouble

that's going to be for those of us who own 10 or 20 guns, especially for the ones without serial

numbers that we picked up at flea markets and police auctions.

They're going to want to renew that doggone Brady Bill, maybe give it a longer waiting

period and make it harder for those of us who've had an unfortunate brush with the law or some

know-it-all shrink or a blab-till-you-just-had-to-hit-her wife to get our hands on a gun. They're

going to want to hold us responsible when somebody else uses our guns in a crime. It's hard

enough to remember my ATM pin number and when to change the oil. Now you're telling me I

have to remember where I put the key to the gun cabinet? Please. They're just determined to

take the fun out of owning a gun. I went duck hunting once with my friend Larry who has these

AK47s. There wasn't much left to eat, but we sure brought a lot of those suckers down. Now

that was fun.

Those liberal maggots just don't understand what we do, Chuck, that guns are really

cool. Remember the chariot race in Ben Hur--you know, when Messala started hitting you with

a whip. What if you had pulled a Glock out of your tunic and jacked a round into him? How

cool would that have been, huh? And later, when you went to the valley of lepers to get your

mother and your sister, if you'd had an Uzi, I bet all those lepers and Romans would have left

you alone.

Anyway, thanks for all your good work, Mr. Heston, so stand-up Americans like me can

keep our right to bear arms. You know, I just noticed that this thing says arms, not guns.

Technically, I guess arms could include something like a tactical battlefield nuke. Know where I

can get one of those puppies?

Very truly yours,

Gary Earl Ross.

The Writer's Den Homepage