How To Blow Up the Sun
...and other theories...
As it is common knowledge, one cannot simply nuke the sun. It is sheer idiocy to attempt to destroy something by fueling it. Henceforth, we must attempt a different form of destruction. Several ideas have come to me in glorious visions, the best of which I shall proffer to you, the visitor.
1.Planetary Collision
Mercury being the closest planet to the sun, it makes the logical target of this attempt. One should first alter the elliptical orbital path of Mercury, through such means as an increase of mass, deceleration of its centripetal acceleration, etc. The resulting collision may or may not cause a change reaction capable of destruction. However, due to the proportions of the masses of Mercury and the Sun, and the intense heat the Sun has, Mercury may have almost no impact on collision. For this reason, other strategies are suggested.
2.Mega Growth
Essentially, a star goes through several stages of development. The sun's next phase, giant red, still has several million years to go. So how about speeding up the process, huh? The larger mass of this phase will encompass and destroy the earth, our final intention. Mwa ha ha ha.
3.Suck This
Perhaps a rather impractical approach, this involves the creation of a star through fission. Unfortuantely, we do not yet have this capability. However, when we do, we need but create a star and have it collaspe to form a black hole. This will destroy our Sun. Mission accomplished.
How To Destroy the Earth
I get asked this question quite often, as it seems to be the desire of many of my patients and associates. As with blowing up the sun, this can be quite an intellectually stimulating process...plus, you can watch all those fuckers burn to a crisp!
1.Ozone Schmozone
Congrats! We've already started this one! Simply destroy the ozone layer and allow global warming to melt the ice caps, then sit back in your nearby houseboat, soon to become your only home above water.
2.Dr.Evil
Borrowed from Austin Powers...Send a nuke to the earth's core. Wham-o! Volcanic bliss...
3.When the Moon Hits Your Eye
Use the above Mercury technique to cause the moon to crash into the earth. If the resulting tsunamis and earthquakes don't kill us all, the cosmic winter will starve us slowly....
I know you are dying for more, but right now I seem to be stuck in tear in the space-time continuum, and I don't know what the fuck I'm writing. Till then, go out and get road head.--Dr. Maximus Cunnilingus
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