A Slow Boat to Therapy, by Lord dk the Courteous  

DL: Hello Susan, you're on the air, I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

Caller: Hello?

DL: Yes Susan.

Caller: Is that Dr. Laura?

DL: Well, I sure hope so.So what can I do for you today Susan?

Caller: Wow, I'm really honoured, I can't believe I'm talking to you. I've been listening to you for years and I really respect your opinion, I think you're great.

DL: Well, that's nice but what can I do for you.

Caller: I have a moral dilemma.

DL: But what can I DO for you? Caller: Well, my fiance...

DL: So you have a ring and a date.

Caller: What?

DL: You said your "fiance" and I asked if you have a ring and a date.

Caller: But that's not my prob...

DL: Just answer the question Susan. If you're going to avoid the problem you're just wasting your time and mine so let's get on with it and stop screwing with me. I won't put up with it. So, you have a ring and a date.

Caller: No, I don't have a ring because we're both at school and money is too ...

DL: Then he's not your fiance he's just a boy you're seeing... or doing, but we'll get to that I'm sure...so how old are you?

Caller: 21

DL: And your little stud?

Caller: He's 20.

DL: So, a younger man!! Wow, where do you get the energy to study and baby-sit at the same time Caroline is killing herself laughing right now because during the break I was joking with her about schtuping the babysitter and of course I was just kidding but it was very funny and when I said it both Caroline and Dan laughed really hard and Dan almost couldn't swallow his mouthful of coffee which I found really, really funny...

Oh, my, we have a lot of fun here in the studio

So Susan, are you a slut?

Caller: Pardon me?

DL: You heard me. Don't play that game with me, I asked if you're being a slut? Are you spreading your legs and providing a warm place for him to stick it in, are you doing the horizontal nasty, are you having genital contact, are you allowing him to place his penis in your vagina for selfish and Godless reasons of pleasure and short sighted, immoral foolishness because you're a little girl and you have no right to be making that kind of decision because you're not a grown up until you walk down that aisle and act like a adult who can take responsibility for her hormones instead of risking her health, education and her soul just so she can feel good for five minutes and show complete disregard for her parents, her church and society? In other words, do you let him do you?

Caller: NO! Of course not. We don't even use our tongues when we kiss.

DL: Well, thank God there aren't any children involved. That's a blessing. And yes, you do use your tongues.

Caller: No, we don't...

DL: DON'T YOU DARE!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!!! Jeez! Listen sweetheart, don't pull that with me! You do that again and I'm hanging up. I don't know how you were raised or what kind of an environment...are your parents still together?

Caller: Yes..

DL: Well, that's one good thing although it's hard to believe, the way you' re carrying on. If you ever expect to grow up and be mature enough to have sex and make babies then you better learn how to listen and not whine when someone tells you something that you don't want to hear. So just stop it

Caller: You're right, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

DL: Now, you're way off track so I'm going to sent you back to Caroline so she can get you straightened out and you can come back after the break and hopefully have a REAL problem that I can help you with.

I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I gave my number before so if you weren't listening you're going to have to face up to the responsibility for your own mistakes. We 'll be right back

(music out)

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(music in)

DL: I love that Patti Labelle. She's got such a great sense of self. You can tell by her hair. Oh ya, I keep forgetting, I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger and I'm here taking your calls. I have some faxes here, very angry faxes and I must say I can see why they're angry.

You know, I hear from hundreds of people every minute of every day and while some understand what I'm doing here, why I spend my time here in the studio day after day, call after call until my eyes start to bleed, there are some who still just don't get it. I am APPALLED every time I pick up a fax, because faxes are my direct link with you. Those e-mails and phone messages and things that come from the post office, well you know me, I can raise a child and have a happy, healthy home, free from sin, but I can't even find the on/off button for the computer let alone work all those buttons with the letters and that hamster or what ever it is

Oh, Caroline is holding up a sign that says it's a mouse. Well!

Whatever, I never touch the thing.

So anyway I am APPALLED when I get a fax questioning something I've said. 'Cause you know, most people have NO IDEA how difficult it is to fight for morals, to fight for what my new and very precious religion says is right and my interpretation of it day after day and then have some journalist comes out of nowhere and ask me to justify something that I said last week! The cruelty that some people display I find it hard to even discuss. Caroline and Dan know how much it hurts me sometimes. The gossip, the unfounded accusations when all I'm trying to do is provide some guidance...

Well.....I just don't...it's very hard when people say mean things. Just like that one writer, I won't mention her name or the paper in the south west city that has six letters and starts with the fourth letter of the alphabet because that would just be plain gossip and we don't do that because it's evil. Anyway, this woman that I'm not going to name , was such a nasty, vile, mean-spirited ... well, I won't actually say the word but it starts with a "c" and rhymes runt...that I wanted to pluck her still-beating heart from her chest and ram it down the friggin' bitch's throat.

Aaaaannnnyyyyyway... I have a fax here from a woman from California named Nancy but I won't say anymore because famous people need their privacy. I know what it's like

And Nancy writes, "Dear Laura - As you know, I've been spend= ing most of my time here at the ranch with Ron. Although I sometime wonder if there is a God, (I know what that's like ) I shoulder on with= the knowledge that there are people like you out there (how sweet). I am sickened when I see all these young floozies having movie careers, multiple marriages AND CHILDREN and I despair for the state of Hollywood. We did the same when we were young but we didn't have you to tell us that we shouldn't. Anyway, my moral dilemma is that one of the little bunchkins is straying from the path of righteousness. Now, I think that he is gay and I try to talk to Ron about it but he just tells me I'm crazy and then I tell him to shut up because he is crazy and then he gets all quiet and cries,... but I digress. What can I do to fix this situation? See you at the fundraiser next week. Love Nancy. PS - please find enclosed a little something for your charity.

How sad.

Very sad.

I'm afraid there's nothing I can do to correct the situation. I wish I had the power to heal and correct nature's flaws but I can't.

I think that the best thing is to just act as if nothing is wrong. Your son should not be denied a loving family environment just because he's a freak of nature. It's not as if he's going to bring a long string of beautiful, well built young men through your house and screw them on your dining room table right in front of you because you can love him as a son but you do not have to put up with his immorality and with having this choice of lifestyle shoved down your throat

Oh, my God, I can't believe I said that!! I didn't mean it to come out that way!!!

Caroline just fell off her chair laughing. DAN! DAN! Help Caroline up off the floor! Ohhhh!! Tooooo funny. Just like breakfast at home with Deryk and his father.

Aaaannnyyyyway...I'm experienced in this type of thing and I've done a lot of very complicated stuff that's just like real science on this subject and I know what God thinks and the plain and simple truth is that they're going to hell so let's treat them nice while they're on this earth, as long as the= y' re not to swishy or like to march in those pride organization band things on the street when they...parade and ...do that flag waving...songs and stuff...noise....

I'm Dr. Laura and we have Susan on the line. So what can I do for you Susan? Have you got it together yet?

Caller: I think so. Boy, that Caroline, she's really tough.

DL: That's what she's there for. If you're still smarting from being slapped around by Caroline, it's not nearly as shocking when I kick you in the box. So, what's your question for me?

Caller: My parents don't want me to date my fian...I mean my boyfriend because he's not white.

DL: So what is he, purple? Yellow? Green?

Please explain what "not white" means so I don't have to waste my time guessing.

Caller: He's Asian.

DL: Ohhhh, Asian. That's very nice. It's a very beautiful culture, nice language. What's his name?

Caller: Chiang.

DL: Chain. I've never heard that name before, it's very interesting, strange. I'm always interested by cultures with weird names. It's neat.

So what's the problem with your parents? They don't like eggrolls?

I love those things but only the vegetarian ones because sometimes they have pork in them and I don't do that pork thing anymore, no, no, no. No pork for the little Jewish girl, that's a no-no. Can you imagine the look on my rabbi's face if I told him that I had just a teeny, weenie, little bitty piece of pork because I had a craving for eggrolls? Oy!!! I can just hear him. It's just like the strange cravings I used to have while I was pregnant with the bunchkin. Lew would sit there and say "you want me to = buy you a jar of what!!?" Caroline's nodding because she went through that too. Dan's just sitting there shaking his head. It's a girl thing Dan.

Aaaannnyyyway .... So where were we?

Caller: They want me to dump my boyfriend because he's Chinese.

DL: Oh, so now he's Chinese. I can't help you if you keep changing the facts. Are you going to stick to one version or keep changing it?

Caller: What?

DL: OK. Assuming that what you tell me is true, that this guy is Chinese and that your parents really do want you to dump him because I'm only going on what you've told me, I don't know the real story...Who's paying for your education?

Caller: My parents are helping me out with some of the tuition...

DL: So they're footing the bill. Caller: Not for all of the...

DL: I SAID so they're footing the bill. There's your answer. Enough said.

Caller: I don't understand.

DL: Jeez. OK, I guess I have to spell it out for you. Your parents are doing you the favour, I said the FAVOUR of paying for you. They don't owe you an education but they're generous enough to help them out and you, sweetheart, had better do what they tell you to.

Caller: But I don't think that it's right for them...

DL: HELLO? Are you listening to me? YOU do not have the option, the choice to decide what's right and wrong. When you're off on your own and not still dependent on your mommie and daddy to help you make your own little way in the world because you're just a little weak woman who likes to gossip and yak, yak, yak and who puts her little boyfriend ahead of her education because every time he drools and wants to stick it in you, you feel all good and loved, when you're standing on your own two feet you can make big decisions for yourself, until then, well that's just too bad, honey, but if you're not paying the band, you can't pick the songs.

Oh, that was a good one. I'm going to have to remember that one...use it in my next book.

Caller: But I don't think that it's morally...

DL: This is not a question of what you think dear. How many times do I have to say it? Huh? How many times? Your parents don't care what you think and they shouldn't, just like I don't care what you think. OK, let ' s...humm...have your parents at anytime, and not just to your knowledge, I mean when you were in the room and heard it with your own ears and saw their lips move, have they ever said that they don't want you dating him because he' s Chinese or whatever.

Caller: Well, no, not exactly.

DL: YOU SEE!! It's not a CHINESE thing. They're just being parents and they're concerned for your safety...

Caller: But they said that I should drop him because he's a different race.

DL: But that's their choice and they can do that. They didn't say you should drop him because he's Chinese, did they.

Caller: No.

DL: What?!!! I couldn't hear you. Say it again.

Caller: No.

DL: You see, that's what it's like to be a child because if you're not married with a child, you ARE a child, a selfish little child.

Caller: But...

DL: I SAID, that's what it's like to be a child because if you're not married with a child, you ARE a child, a selfish little child. And sometimes adults make decisions for good reasons and they don't have to explain it to you. Gosh, if I had to explain everything to Deryk, I'd go raving mad! The other day he asked me to explain why I made him change his underwear at lunch and I said, "just because and if you ask me again I'll pop your head like a zit, it's none of your business." (laughs) I really did!

Caller: Ya, I guess that maybe...

DL: ARE YOU NOT LISTENING OR ARE YOU JUST STUPID? HUH? Look, I have always said that a mixed race household is a race-less household. Children can get confused and it's just not good. You tell the kid to get some ch ips from the kitchen and he doesn't know whether you mean the potato chips or the duckbills. But seriously, that's not a healthy environment. Do you understand?...Susan...jeez, what's happening...SUSAN?...Oh, I hit the wrong button. Is she gone?...


So, you see, that's what I mean when I talk about responsibility and stuff. If nobody's being hurt and you don't hav e a choice, shut up and stop whining. Really. We had to do all that going around in circles because you didn't want to listen and then we finally g ot down to it because I knew that what you were saying wasn't the whole story. If you're going to call then don't bother with all those details, just shut up and listen.


I appreciate the call.

Now, go take on the day.

Lord dk

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