Dr Moral Messenger, by Glen Moore (8/29/98)  

The following is a parody of the Dr. Laura Schlesinger radio talk show.
Any connection to other radio talk shows or personalities is purely
coincidental, and quite depressing.

And now, here's Dr. Moral!

["New Attitude" playing in background]

Dr. Moral: My name is Dr. Moral Messenger, and I do welcome you to this
hour of the program. I have a PhD in marine biology, I was a
high school guidance counselor for 5 years, a bartender for 2,
and a psychic friend for 3.

You're here with Van Manson, who replays the same bunch of
music; Keeperon Hold, who pretends to screen your calls; and
me: I am my kid's mom, my nephew's mom, my sister's mom, my
mother's mom, my coworker's mom, and today I'll be your mom,
because you obviously need it.

My number: 1-800-B-LITTLE.

Kelly, welcome to the program.

Kelly: Hello, Dr. Moral.

Dr. Moral: Hi Kelly, what can I help you with?

Kelly: Well, my parents are trying to force their religion on me...

Dr. Moral: They can't do that.

Kelly: That's how I feel.

Dr. Moral: How old are you?

Kelly: 17.

Dr. Moral: So you're almost 18, you'll be on your own... they can't
you to follow their religion.

Kelly: They tell me I have to worship with them.

Dr. Moral: It's wrong of them to say that. That's all there is to it.

Kelly: Okay. That's what I wanted to hear.

Dr. Moral: What religion are they, by the way? Buddhist, Satanic?

Kelly: Baptist.

Dr. Moral: Baptist? Oh, well, they're just trying to instill family
in you.

Kelly: Huh? But you just said...

Dr. Moral: There's nothing wrong with going to church, and there's no
reason why you shouldn't, okay Kelly?

Kelly: But...

Dr. Moral: Don't! I don't want to hear it! Get your butt to church.

[Kelly hangs up]

Dr. Moral: I'm Dr. Moral Messenger.

Be sure to go buy my new book, "Ten Stupid Things My Listeners
Do To Mess Up Their Lives", available at your local Wal-Mart.

Mildred, welcome to the program.

Mildred: Hi, Dr. Moral, I love your show! I am my kid's mom!

Dr. Moral: Great! How many, how old, and how many teeth?

Mildred: One, he's 15, and he's still got 6 of them!

Dr. Moral: Wonderful! How can I help you?

Mildred: It's about my brother...

Dr. Moral: Don't tell me about your brother, I can't help your brother.
How can I help you?

Mildred: Uh, well, you see, he's...

Dr. Moral: Listen to me, Mildred! How can I help YOU?

Mildred: ...

Dr. Moral: How... can... I... help... you?

Mildred: Uh...

Dr. Moral: Do you want fries with that?

[Mildred hangs up]

Dr. Moral: I tried to help her, but some people just aren't open to it.

I'm Dr. Moral Messenger. My number: 1-800-B-LITTLE.
For people from Tennessee, that's 1-8-0-0-B-L-I-T-T-L-E.

Betty, welcome to the program.

Betty: Hi, Dr. Moral. My cousin got married 5 years ago...

Dr. Moral: Let's get to the point, honey, I don't need to hear all the

Betty: Well, she just got divorced, and is fighting for custody of
the Beanie Babies, and I want to help her win Curly and

Dr. Moral: Why are you interfering?

Betty: Well, she needs all the help she can get...

Dr. Moral: No Betty, YOU need all the help you can get, do you

Betty: Right, I understand.

Dr. Moral: You're taking on responsibility that doesn't belong to you.

Betty: Right.

Dr. Moral: Let them fight their own battles.

Betty: Right.

Dr. Moral: Stop saying "right"! You're a nutcase, Betty!

Betty: Okay.

Dr. Moral: And don't say "okay", either!

Betty: Okay.

Dr. Moral: Are you not hearing me?

Betty: What about Valentino?

Dr. Moral: Great! Stay in denial! It's just more money for the
I don't have a solution for you, Betty. There's just something
really wrong with you.

Betty: So, I guess I just need to tell my sister...

Dr. Moral: You need to go take a sedative.

Betty: Okay, thank you Dr. Moral! You've been a great help!

Dr. Moral: Okay.

[Betty hangs up]

Dr. Moral: Is there ANYBODY back there screening calls? I swear, some
days I just wanna go back to training seals to balance beach
balls on their noses.

I'm Dr. Moral Messenger. My number: 1-800-B-LITTLE.

Harold, welcome to the program.

Harold: Hi Dr. Moral, thanks for for taking my call. I wanna say that
I really admire your moral standards, and I think the rest of
the world needs to follow your example.

Dr. Moral: Yada, yada, yada, is there something you want to ask me?

Harold: Yes. I wanna know what the easiest way would be to get my son

Dr. Moral: I don't know how to answer that, Harold. I only pretend to
be a
psychiatrist, not a lawyer. Why do you want your son arrested?

Harold: Because he won't stop coming home at all hours of the night.

Dr. Moral: And you want him arrested for this? Why can't you take care of
it yourself?

Harold: Well, because he's 23, so he's an adult...

Dr. Moral: But he's not acting like one. Is he living in your house?

Harold: Yes.

Dr. Moral: Then why don't you just tell him NOT TO STAY OUT LATE?!?!

Harold: Well... um...

Dr. Moral: [groan] I can't believe that in this day and age a grown man
such as yourself could be so stupid as to think that you can't
control your own kid! Why do I keep getting these callers! Is
this what my audience is made up of?


Harold: Yes.

Dr. Moral: Tell your son that if he doesn't come in at a reasonable time
every night, he'll have to find his own place!

Harold: You think I should give that a try?

Dr. Moral: Duh! Yeah, I do!

Harold: Okay.

Dr. Moral: Alright.

[Harold hangs up. Dr. Moral groans again.]

Dr. Moral: I'm Dr. Moral Messenger.

I just got an interesting fax from a man who says that I
give Mildred enough time to say what her problem was. Usually,
I don't respond to faxes like this, because I really don't
care. It's my program, I'll do what I want. But I will go
and respond to this fax, to let him know that he didn't give
himself enough time to spell "Mildred" correctly.

Jimmy, welcome to the program.

Jimmy: Hi Dr. Moral.

Dr. Moral: Hi Jimmy. How old are you?

Jimmy: I'm 14.

Dr. Moral: Okay, go ahead.

Jimmy: I'm having a hard time deciding which of my parents to go live

Dr. Moral: Why don't you tell me what they're like?

Jimmy: Well, my dad is an alcoholic, and he just got married to
one of
the local strippers. They've got a trailer outside of town.

Dr. Moral: Hmmm... that doesn't sound good. Are you living with your

Jimmy: Yes, and so far it's been really good. She's even got a
live-in boyfriend who plays baseball with me...

Dr. Moral: Hold it right there, Jimmy. What I want you to do is call your
dad's favorite bar and have him take you home with him, okay?

Jimmy: Okay, Dr. Moral.

Dr. Moral: And do it right away. By living in sin, your mother is
a very, very dangerous living environment that could scar you
for life. At least your father had the decency to marry, and
I'm sure you'll have plenty of great memories together by the
time you're both out of rehab.

[Music crescendos]

Dr. Moral: Now go take on the day, so you can all leave me alone!

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