She can't stand Garlic III , by Neutrodyne  

Captain Jim Tiberious knew it was going to be a bad day. He had awakened alone in his quarters to the sound of the Ectoprise's strangely antique sounding Red Alert gong. "This is serious!" Tiberious thoiught. "I haven't slept alone for four and a half years! Though I do wish I had slept alone the night I picked up that green chick with all the rings."

He stuffed a surprisinglly stale donut from the food replicator into his mouth and almost choked on cold coffee from the same source. "Commputmer!" He mumbled through the soggy crumbs, "What is going"

"I am sorry Captain, I am unable to help you solve this problem today. I have discovered I have a New Attitude.Ooo oooo oooo oooo oooo!"

"What the devil? Computer I demand you bring me up.......... to date!" The Capatain left his quarters and began walking down the gangway toward the turbolifts.

"That's your problem Jim, all you want is a date with a warm place to put it! Well this is one hot microchip that isn't going to help you find any more interstellar sluts!"

"Bridge." Fortunately the turbolift was functioning properly and Tiberious soon found himself on the bridge of the Ectoprise. His first officer strode across the room to greet him. "Captain we have an emergency." Mr. Sprocket raised eyebrows were threatening to jump off his head and turn into moths. "What's our status, Sprocket?" "It appears we are being bombarded by some sort of subliminal suggestion signal. From what I've been able to determine, ity's an archaic method once used on old Earth, called Amplitude Modulation." "Good Lord Sprocket, what is it doing to us?" "I can assume you have noticed the malfunction in the Computer?" "Yes, of course. Is that all?"

"I also assume you notice that you slept alone last night."

"Keep it under your hat Sprocket, but yes."

"I never wear a hat Captain, unless Joan Collins is in the room."

"A wise and logical chioce, Sprocket but I simply meant you should keep it to yourself. Of what significance is my sleeping alone?"

"There has been no sex whatsoever aboard this ship for over 12 hours Captain."

"No even O'Hula?"

Suddenly a wild eyed, expendable looking crewman bursts onto the bridge from the turbolift. "I can't take it anymore. She wins, I want to die a virgin!!!!" He is chased down by the ships surgeon, Elbows McHoy, who stabs him in the back with a hypodermic. The man slumps to the floor. McHoy waves a salt shaker over him and shakes his head.

"Elbows, is he insane from the subliminal messages?" Tiberious chews on his already bleeding knuckle.

"It's worse than that, he's dead Jim! Twenty fifth century minds just can't hold up to this brutal, midieval prudery. The whole crew could be gone in a matter of days."

"Midieval prudery? What is this horrible message Sprocket?"

"The doctor and I have been working on a device to decode the message. We are working from some ancient archives from old Earth, called the John F. Ryder Perpetual Troubleshooter.. We have reconstructed a machine called an Atwater Kent. Listen to this."

Sprocket approaches an old radio chassis and twists a couple of knobs. Suddenly a voice springs from the speaker.

"Welcome to this hour of the program, I'm Dr. Lorna Slapslinger. I'm here to nag rag and scag you all the way to the bank. And NOT the SPERM bank, you heathens! Here's a fax from a woman who had her infant son's testicles surgically removed and frozen for re-installation when he is 28. Hmm, I wonder if we could get that proceedure on the ballot for you Worriers to pass into law? I'm going to have to check into this! I can think of one young man whose smart mouth might just earn him a trip to this woman's doctor if he isn't careful!" Suddenly smoke comes out and the voice stops.

"The gentleman at Radio Shack said these Realistic(TM) tubes would last forever. He appears to have been mistaken. Fascinating!"

"Elbows, what do you make of that?" "I'm a Doctor, not a Physiologist!" "Mr. Plaid?" "I've never seen his degree, Captain. For all I know he's a Moon Shuttle conductor.Now if you'll excuse me, I have some spark plugs to change." Sprocket stared into his casette player and spoke."Wait Gentlemen, I think I may know what we are dealing with. There were stories from the old Earth archives about a psychic Vampire who almost destroyed civilization near the second millenium. She was a physiologist named Lorna Slapslinger. She somehow sapped her victims energy by abusing them verbally and humiliating them. She was particularly focused on sexual matters"

Mr. Smirnov chimed in. "Of course. It worked for her then because she appealed to the guilt residual in the people of the early 1990's. Her victims poured out fear and humiliation which made her ever stronger. Today's minds don't respond with fear and guilt, but simply overload under the crude barrage. But she was stopped by a small thermonuclear device from the strong willed and good hearted people of the former Soviet Union wasn't she?"

"Unless the device just sent her into a worm hole, and she's come out here! Mr. LewLew, give me warp 9 in the first direction you pick!" Capatain Tiberius assumed his command position in the swivel rocker at the center of the bridge.

As the Ectoprise accelerated through the gears, a familiar voice crackled over the intercom.

"Captain, the turbochargers are overheatin' and my instruments show that signal inna gettin' any weaker. At this rate we'll have to fill up with Dilithium Crystals at the Ammoco station on Opec 7 and ya know how they gouge prices!"

"Two 454 cubic inch anti-matter engines and a seventeen speed turbohydromatic warp drive and we can't outrun an anorexic witch from 1999? What are our options, Mr. Plaid?"

" Well, I suppose I could try and modulate the the output of the warp engines 180 degrees out of phase with her signal and see if it would cancel it out. Of course it would take several weeks to do the modifications and I'm already running low on salt peter down here! I don't think I could shovel the crystals in fast enough all by meself. There is one other possibility."

"What is it mon. I! I'm running out of knuckles!"

"Well we could just focus the main phaser banks on her and blast the toxic harpy forward in time again so Pikard and LaForge have to deal with her."

"To coin a phrase, Mr. Plaid: Make it so!"

The next morning, Captain Tiberious awoke to the gentle voice of the computer. "I'm so sorry I ran amok, Capatin." Tiberious sat up in bed, revealing a human sized shape under the covers next to him. "I feel so bad Jim, I've been working my circuits to the bone all night and I have a special gift for you. I found a formula that will get that green stuff off! Dr. McHoy, you may proceed when ready."

We fade to black as Elbows and Sprocket enter the room carrying a large enema bag.


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