Vanity Fair - Dr. Laura
The Vanity Fair article about Dr.Laura is very
enlightening. A most
interesting and contradictory woman! Therefore I
was quite surprized
when one day when my own radio program received a
call from her.
DR. JOEL: Laurrrra! Welcome to the program.
LAURA: Thanks, Dr. Joel. First let me say that I
am a big fan of yours
and I am my dentist's patient.
DR. JOEL: Thanks, how may I help you?
LAURA: My molar dilemma, er . . . , moral
dilemma, Dr. Joel is that I
have a pain in my lower second molar when--
DR. JOEL: Are you ever late for a dental
LAURA: No, Dr. Joel. Never . . .
DR. JOEL: You are lying. I can hear it in your
voice. Now I'll ask you
one more time.
LAURA: Okay, I do come late once in a while. One
time last year when
my mother died . . .
DR. JOEL: That's no excuse at all. I am Dr. Joel.
Joel. Now what's your problem?
LAURA: I am ENGAGED to have some root canal
treatment . . .
DR. JOEL: Engaged? Does this mean that you have
an appointment and an
LAURA: Well no, but my dentist did talk about . .
DR. JOEL: How stupid can you be and still be able
to chew your food!
DR. JOEL: Don't be so gutless!
DR. JOEL: I'll bet that your dentist is nothing
more than a "loose
woman" and her hygienist and dental
assistant are "drunken sluts."
DR. JOEL: You really deserve this.
LAURA: Since you're so smart, maybe you could be
our judge and jury.
DR. JOEL: Ohhhh - lubricate me. [I just love
talking dirty!]. But
I'll need to ask you one more question. I hear
around the neighborhood
that you are masquerading around town as Orthodox
Jewish, and this
without payus too.
LAURA: Yes, this is so.
DR. JOEL: Then what are you doing over in the
Chinese restaurant? Do
you ask the waiter to seat you in the Kosher
section each time?
LAURA: What do you mean?
DR. JOEL: Don't you know what "xiozing
xiphong" means in Mandarin?
That's what they tell the cook when they get in
the back. It means,
"Better pick out the pieces of pork. We got
a Kosher group at table
LAURA: I did not know. You mean the vegetarian
dish comes out of the
exact same pot?
DR. JOEL: Does the Pope still deliver the
baseball scores from the
LAURA: Well okay. But what about my molar?
DR. JOEL: No time for your molar right now. But
please hold on while
Caroline Holt takes your address and we'll send
you my "I'm my
dentist's patient" T-shirt.
LAURA: Oh thanks. What's it say?
DR. JOEL: It says, "I got a goddam toothache
and this T-shirt was all
I got from Dr. Joel."
[fade to music / fade to commercial / fade to
email@example.com (Joel M. Eichen)
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