Call 1-800-DR--JOEL, (9 Aug 1998), by Dr Joel  

Vanity Fair - Dr. Laura

The Vanity Fair article about Dr.Laura is very enlightening. A most
interesting and contradictory woman! Therefore I was quite surprized
when one day when my own radio program received a call from her.

DR. JOEL: Laurrrra! Welcome to the program.

LAURA: Thanks, Dr. Joel. First let me say that I am a big fan of yours
and I am my dentist's patient.

DR. JOEL: Thanks, how may I help you?

LAURA: My molar dilemma, er . . . , moral dilemma, Dr. Joel is that I
have a pain in my lower second molar when--

DR. JOEL: Are you ever late for a dental appointment?

LAURA: No, Dr. Joel. Never . . .

DR. JOEL: You are lying. I can hear it in your voice. Now I'll ask you
one more time.

LAURA: Okay, I do come late once in a while. One time last year when
my mother died . . .

DR. JOEL: That's no excuse at all. I am Dr. Joel. Call 1-800-Dr.
Joel. Now what's your problem?

LAURA: I am ENGAGED to have some root canal treatment . . .

DR. JOEL: Engaged? Does this mean that you have an appointment and an
appointment card?

LAURA: Well no, but my dentist did talk about . . .

DR. JOEL: How stupid can you be and still be able to chew your food!

LAURA: [Sniff]

DR. JOEL: Don't be so gutless!

LAURA: [Sniff]

DR. JOEL: I'll bet that your dentist is nothing more than a "loose
woman" and her hygienist and dental assistant are "drunken sluts."

LAURA: [Sniff]

DR. JOEL: You really deserve this.

LAURA: Since you're so smart, maybe you could be our judge and jury.

DR. JOEL: Ohhhh - lubricate me. [I just love talking dirty!]. But
I'll need to ask you one more question. I hear around the neighborhood
that you are masquerading around town as Orthodox Jewish, and this
without payus too.

LAURA: Yes, this is so.

DR. JOEL: Then what are you doing over in the Chinese restaurant? Do
you ask the waiter to seat you in the Kosher section each time?

LAURA: What do you mean?

DR. JOEL: Don't you know what "xiozing xiphong" means in Mandarin?
That's what they tell the cook when they get in the back. It means,
"Better pick out the pieces of pork. We got a Kosher group at table
number 6."

LAURA: I did not know. You mean the vegetarian dish comes out of the
exact same pot?

DR. JOEL: Does the Pope still deliver the baseball scores from the
balcony? C'Mon.

LAURA: Well okay. But what about my molar?

DR. JOEL: No time for your molar right now. But please hold on while
Caroline Holt takes your address and we'll send you my "I'm my
dentist's patient" T-shirt.

LAURA: Oh thanks. What's it say?

DR. JOEL: It says, "I got a goddam toothache and this T-shirt was all
I got from Dr. Joel."

[fade to music / fade to commercial / fade to sales]. (Joel M. Eichen)

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