(as seen in the New York Times... congratulations, Maddi!)

By Maddi Hausmann Sojourner

  • Every time Dr. Laura says "religion" take a drink.
  • Every time Dr. Laura mentions "Deryk" take a drink, EXCEPT if she also says bunchkin within 15 seconds. If you drink, first person to call out "bunchkin" gets next 2 drinks paid for by the "bunchkin."
  • If Dr. Laura gets a call from someone of a religion she isn't familiar with, take a drink if she makes ANY assumptions about it. Take TWO drinks she if makes a wrong assumption about a religion she claims to be familiar with (Judaism, Catholicism, and Protestantism, as well as "Christianity")
  • Take a drink if a caller identifies as atheist AND Dr. Laura starts interrupting before caller can explain entire problem. But, if she doesn't interrupt and you drink, you've been "excommunicated." You have to leave the table for a commercial break of seven minutes.
  • Take a drink if Dr. Laura insults caller directly.
  • If Dr. Laura makes general insult toward a group, take a drink and then do appropriate action for each group:
    • Feminists: Shout "Equality never, baby!" and mime lifting your skirt.
    • Atheists: Shout "I believe, baby!" and genuflect.
    • Educators: Shout "A-B-C-D-E-F-G, Hooked On Phonics is all I need!" and pretend to write on a blackboard.
    • Gays: Shout "We're here, you're queer, I wish you'd go away!" and make triangle with hands.
    • Journalists: Shout "First Amendment, First Schmamendment!" and pretend to throw a newspaper.
    • Talk show hosts: Shout "But you are one, baby" and spin finger in a circle near your head.
    • If you don't do the phrase and action for the group and you did drink, then someone has to call "1-800 Dr. Laura!" and you have to do a show identification: "I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger, 1-800 Doctor Laura, D-R-L-A-U-R-A"


  • Any mention of Lew, you must take two drinks.
  • Any mention of Laura's mother or sister, three drinks.
  • Any mention of Lew's kids (this has never happened), four drinks and shout "Stepmother!"
  • You get three tries to do a required phrase. If you cannot do it, someone shouts "You're a drunken bum!" and you're out of the game. But you can re-enter the game after a "commericial break" (on someone else) is completed IF you stand up and say "Dan Mandis engineers,produces,Carolyn Holt screens your calls, Ernestia O'Steen does everyone and everything else, and I am my kids' mom." BUT you can be forced to wait a round if someone then shouts "Where's Larry Metzler now?"


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