Imagine turning on your local
NPR affiliate one Saturday morning,
and hearing, (to the tune of "New
Attitude"):
My car won't start when the engine is cold.
The tires are cracked, and they're starting to
mold.
I call the dealer; they put me on hold.
I need a new manifold.
I'd like to track down the b*st**d who sold
This piece of junk before I'm very old,
And when I get him in a stranglehold
I'll get a new manifold.
Strangely familiar female voice: Hi, welcome to
"Car Talk". Tom and Ray
couldn't be here this morning, so I am taking
over from them. (Muffled thumps
heard from off mike.) This is Laura Schlessinger.
Elvis is orchestrating my
music, Phyllis Schlafly is screening our calls,
and I'm my kid's chaffeur.
Now I know what you are thinking. Dr. Laura, do
you even know anything about
cars? Well, I know just as much about cars as I
know about psychology-maybe
more.
We have Ben on the line.
Hi, Ben, what is your question for me?
Ben: What happened to Tom and Ray? (Muffled
thumps sound louder).
DL: Now, Ben, you know it is against my religion
to gossip. What is your
question for me?
Ben: Well, I have moved to Alaska, and with
winter coming, I need to think
about how to keep my car's engine block warm in
winter so it won't freeze. My
girlfriend has a heated garage and I could put...
DL: So what you're saying, Ben, is that all you
want from your girlfriend is a
warm place to put it and you want my APPROVAL?? I
don't think so. (Slams
down
phone. Thumps less muffled)
DL: Now we have Sue on the line. Hi Sue. I know
you're not looking for a
warm
place to put it. (Laughs)
Sue: Dr. Laura, I am having problems with my car.
I only use it to get to
work, but I think I need to replace it. I was
wondering...
DL: Wait a minute Sue. How old are you.
Sue: 35, but what's that got to do...
DL: Any kids?
Sue: Two, a boy and a girl. Now, about my car...
DL: You have kids, and you're going off to work?
What kind of mother are
you?
Sue: The kids are fine. They're in high school.
In honors classes. Now
about my car...
DL: In high school? Just the age for hyperactive
hormones. And you are
leaving them unsupervised so you can go to work
and buy a new Mercedes?
Sue: Actually, it was a second hand truck, but...
(Muffled voices heard off mike.) Dr. Laura, did I
just hear someone say, "Let
us out of here"?
DL: Oh, people are always complaining about these
phones. Let's go to a
break.Return to Parodies
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