Dr Laura does Cartalk, by Ellen (3/12/98)  
Imagine turning on your local NPR affiliate one Saturday morning,
and hearing, (to the tune of "New Attitude"):

My car won't start when the engine is cold.
The tires are cracked, and they're starting to mold.
I call the dealer; they put me on hold.
I need a new manifold.

I'd like to track down the b*st**d who sold
This piece of junk before I'm very old,
And when I get him in a stranglehold
I'll get a new manifold.

Strangely familiar female voice: Hi, welcome to "Car Talk". Tom and Ray
couldn't be here this morning, so I am taking over from them. (Muffled thumps
heard from off mike.) This is Laura Schlessinger. Elvis is orchestrating my
music, Phyllis Schlafly is screening our calls, and I'm my kid's chaffeur.
Now I know what you are thinking. Dr. Laura, do you even know anything about
cars? Well, I know just as much about cars as I know about psychology-maybe
We have Ben on the line.
Hi, Ben, what is your question for me?
Ben: What happened to Tom and Ray? (Muffled thumps sound louder).
DL: Now, Ben, you know it is against my religion to gossip. What is your
question for me?
Ben: Well, I have moved to Alaska, and with winter coming, I need to think
about how to keep my car's engine block warm in winter so it won't freeze. My
girlfriend has a heated garage and I could put...
DL: So what you're saying, Ben, is that all you want from your girlfriend is a
warm place to put it and you want my APPROVAL?? I don't think so. (Slams
phone. Thumps less muffled)
DL: Now we have Sue on the line. Hi Sue. I know you're not looking for a
place to put it. (Laughs)
Sue: Dr. Laura, I am having problems with my car. I only use it to get to
work, but I think I need to replace it. I was wondering...
DL: Wait a minute Sue. How old are you.
Sue: 35, but what's that got to do...
DL: Any kids?
Sue: Two, a boy and a girl. Now, about my car...
DL: You have kids, and you're going off to work? What kind of mother are
Sue: The kids are fine. They're in high school. In honors classes. Now
about my car...
DL: In high school? Just the age for hyperactive hormones. And you are
leaving them unsupervised so you can go to work and buy a new Mercedes?
Sue: Actually, it was a second hand truck, but...
(Muffled voices heard off mike.) Dr. Laura, did I just hear someone say, "Let
us out of here"?
DL: Oh, people are always complaining about these phones. Let's go to a

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