Dr Laura Goes to Bed, by Candy Colored Clown (4/22/97)  

Dr. Laura: Good evening, Todd. Welcome to my bed. What can I do for you?

Todd: Umm, I was hoping we could cuddle and maybe make love.

Dr. Laura: Excuse me? Make love? Todd, I think the ship left port and
you're still at port. I don't "make love" to complete strangers. Are you
married, Todd?

Todd: Yes, but I thought you knew-

Dr. Laura: Todd, we're not talking about ME-we're talking about YOU. YOU
came to MY bed, remember? Now that we know that you are intent on
committing adultery, tell me--do you have children?

Todd: Yes, but-

Dr. Laura: And how old are these children that you're failing to provide a
stable home for?

Todd: I have a boy, 4 and a girl, 6. But they are living with their
mother. We've been separated for 6 months.

Dr. Laura: OK, now the picture comes into focus. Daddy wants some action
on the side, so he dumps Mommy and the two kids into some barely habitable
apartment. Now Daddy is free to graze without the responsibility of being
a husband and a father. And now you come to Me to "cuddle" and "make
love?" Am I missing a piece of the puzzle? Or have you lost a few of the

Todd: Well, I do provide financial assistance and take the kids every

Dr. Laura: That's so nice. You build a nest. You fly away leaving the
mother to fend for herself and the kids. And then you drop by occasionally
to provide some token, "fatherly" guilt-induced visitation. Meanwhile, you
put the mother in a position of complete dependence upon you, thereby
bolstering your sadly lacking self-esteem and manhood. Todd, take out your

Todd: I beg your pardon?

Dr. Laura: Are you hard of hearing, Todd? Take out your penis.

Todd: OK, but-

Dr. Laura: Just as I suspected. You are severely under-endowed. Hence,
your innate need to denigrate and demoralize women. Have you always been this small, or are you suffering from sort of progressive, degenerative

Todd: I think I better go now. I don't need this.

Dr. Laura: Honey, believe me--you DO need this. You need SOMETHING.
Perhaps intensive counseling or reconstructive surgery will be of help.
Now go take on the day.

"I am my lover's worst nightmare."

Candy Colored Clown <breitt@interaccess.com>

Return to Parodies