Test Those Christians
This essay is a bit more anti-Christian than the last. If you think you'll be offended then hit the back button and go away. :-)
TEST THOSE CHRISTIANS
A Non-believer's Guide For Testing The True Christian.
The Event
There I was busily working at my desk when the interruption occurred. "Hi, are you
Ammond?" "Yeah," I replied. "What can I do for you?" "I'm Hezikah Brown, and I'd like a
couple minutes of your time." Being the nice guy that I am I agreed to a few minutes. It seems
Hezikah is a Born Again Christian with a mission from God. He told me how he believed that
Jesus was his personal Lord and Savior, how his life had been changed for the better, how he
spoke in tongues and that he heard I was a witch. "The rumor in the office is that you're a witch."
"It's true," I answered. "How can that be," he retorted. "Don't you know that witches are going
to hell." And off we went...
The Question
So what is a non-believer to do today with all these seemingly dizzy people claiming to be
Christians. It seems you meet these people everywhere. You just can't get away from them.
They are in the office, swinging through the restaurant, on your computer network, cruising the
beach and parading in that crowded john. Just when you get home for a private, intimate
interlude with your lover comes the event stopping knock, knock of the True Christian. What
the hell is a normal sane person to do? Go crazy, scream, defecate nude on the floor while in full
view of the True Christian? No. We test them. As I presume that like me you are a non-believer
too we can have a little fun.
Jesus says "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly are
ravening wolves." Matt 7:15 and, "Then if any man shall say to you Lo, here is the Christ, or,
Here, believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs and false prophets and shall show great
signs and wonders, so as to lead astray, if possible, even the very elect." Matt. 24:23-24
John says "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but prove the spirits, whether they are of God:
because many false prophets are gone out into the world." 1st John 4:1
There are many different types of Christians, you know. And they all claim to be True
Christians. How is the non-believer to know which is which? After all we want the real thing, a
True Christian, not a demon from hell disguised as an angel of light. No Jim Bakkers or Jimmy
Swaggarts will do. We want a real fool for Christ. How do we tell the True Christian from the
disguised demon? The real fool from the money grabbers? We can do that with a little help. And
this help comes from a very unexpected source. You see these Christian critters have a role
model they follow. And they can't deviate from the model too much and hope to get to the
heavenly entertainment park. Jesus, their role model has stated...
"Therefore by their fruits shall you know them. Not everyone who says to me Lord, Lord, shall
enter into the kingdom of heaven. Many will say to me in that day Lord, Lord, did we not
prophesy by your name and by your name cast out demons, and by your name do many mighty
works? And I will profess to them, I never knew you. Go away from me you who work evil."
Matt 7:22-23
So you can see that not every person who claims to be Christian will make it to that starry,
wonder filled entertainment park they call heaven. True Christians tell me that only 10 percent
of those who claim to be True Christians are Christians at all. There's just a little rivalry. It
seems they are all in competition with each other for that last 144,000 condos-in-paradise. Now
God knows how much real estate He has and how much it costs. Overpopulation being what it is
today He has to oust some. Otherwise garbage over runs the golden streets, airborne pollution
covers the crystal walls and the sewers back up. Yech!
As our volunteer testee saunters up visually apprise them. Do they look serious? Are their
clothes nice? Do they look like they own property? Good. We're ready to start, but don't rush.
We don't want the testee to suspect our motives.
Much of the Christian religion is emotional. As the conversation starts let the testee know just
where you stand. You don't want to be duped. You want to talk to a True Christian. None other
than a True Christian will do.
Ask our testee if they are a Christian? Are they a True Christian? Do they love Jesus? Is Jesus
their Personal Lord and Savior? Yes? Good. Ask them how much they love Jesus, God and the
Holy Spirit. Are they Spirit filled? Do they display any of the fruits, love, joy, peace, happiness,
etc. of the Spirit as described in Gal. 5:22-23?
Next we have to verify that they believe in the Bible. Without this we won't have any fun. Ask
our volunteer if they believe in the Bible. Do they believe that it is the Word of God? Is it
infallible? Is the Bible as appropriate for today as it was two thousand years ago? If the answer is
yes, even if not infallible, fun is to be had in short order.
The Money Test
Here's how we start... Our trick is to confront the testee with moral absolutes and performance
tests. Here is the first performance test that we can enjoy.
"Give to everyone that asketh thee; and from him that taketh away thy goods ask not again."
Luke 6:30
"Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away."
Matt. 5:42
Luke 6:35 sums it all up...
"But love your enemies, and do them good, and lend never despairing; and your reward shall be
great, and ye shall be Sons of the Most High: for he is kind toward the unthankful and evil."
True Christians are so fond of moral absolutes that I think we should give them every
opportunity to experience those absolutes as real, upfront and personal events. In your next
testing session, when you hear the True Christian extolling the Rock of Moral Absolutes upon
which they stand, go for the cash. It has a nice sobering effect that should in the long run benefit
the True Christian.
Ask for their money, all of it. Just ask for their wallet. Have them show it to you. Any money
inside? Good. Ask for it. You don't want their credit cards. That would be a crime. If there's no
money, ask for an article of clothing. Coats and cloaks are good. How about car keys? Do they
have a big cross with them? Ask for it.
When they refuse have them reread the previous verses, then ask again. Should they still refuse
call them a fraud, for that's exactly what they are. Just like Jesus send them away into darkness.
They aren't a True Christian.
Now should they give you everything in their wallet, the cloak on their back and the cross too,
we get to have more fun...
The Swill Test
Next we proceed with more subjective questions. One of their obsessive traits is to compare
their past performance with the actions of those in the Bible. How is their walk with their Lord?
Do they follow Jesus closely? Do they want to follow more closely? Yes? Good. Now we start
with the serious tests.
In Matthew 10:18 Jesus sends out his True Disciples with the commandments to "heal the sick,
cleanse the lepers, raise the dead and cast out devils." Take a skeptical attitude about their status
as a True Christian. Again let them know that you want only the real thing. No substitutes will
be allowed.
"And these signs shall accompany them that believe: in my name they shall cast out demons,
they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents and if they drink any deadly
thing, it shall in no wise hurt them; they shall lay their hands on the sick, and they shall recover."
Mark 16:17-18
On this you gotta' be a little careful not to let the cat out of the bag. Ask your friend if they have
cast out demons. Do they speak with tongues? Have they laid their hands on sick persons who
were healed?
If so take a bottle from storage prepared especially for the test. It should be filled with
non-toxic, pukey looking stuff that smells to high heaven. Urine and excrement should do. Cap
the bottle tightly while in storage. And for heavens sake wrap it in something to hide the mess
from sight. In the Bible read Mark 16:17-18 which says that True Christians can pick up serpents
and drink harmful things without suffering. Ask our unsuspecting testee to chug the whole
bottle. If they object saying "thou shalt not test God" respond by saying that you are testing
them, not God. God is not around to be tested anyway. If they don't chug-the-jug you can safely
assume they are not a True Christian, only a fraud. Send them away.
A note of warning... Be sure to inform the True Christian the drink is toxic. Let them pick up
the bottle for themselves. If they drink the potion they take the test of their own free will.
Now some might protest that the last part of Mark is a 'late addition' not found in the earlier
texts. Perhaps they have confessed to you previously that the Bible is the word of God and is
infallible. What happened? Don't they believe the Bible? Tell them they aren't a True Christian;
they are frauds. Send them home with their tails between their legs.
Conclusion
As we can readily see it's not healthy to be a True Christian. A True Christian is equivalent to
being a Bibliolater--one who worships the Bible. Now being a Christian is ok. But being a
Bibliolater is a form of mental illness. And it's great fun to let the Bibliolater know of their
problem when they interrupt your day.
I have about ten other performance tests but the aforementioned are the most exciting. Please
feel free to experiment with Jesus' moral absolutes and performance tests. You may find some
that are just a much fun as these.
Copyright Dec. 1989. Ammond Shadowcraft
Permission is given to reproduce or retransmitt this article providing the article is complete, and
with the author's name and copyright notice fully intact.
For the folks who have requested more...
What I wrote up came from Delos Mckown in a speech he gave in Atlanta, Georgia,
October 7, 1989
"Positive good can come from making Christians suffer 'cognitive dissonance', for it is out of
intolerable intellectual and emotional conflict within oneself that deliverance often comes."
Professor Delos McKown. Prof. Mckown is a former clergyperson and present Head of
philosophy at Auburn University since 1979.
Here are more tests for our Bibliolators...
Stronger test... Luke 10:19: Jesus says that his disciples can walk on scorpions and snakes.
Not everyone has a roomful of snakes. However you can get a large, covered jar with a "little"
something in it. Make sure the testee can't see inside the jar. Ask your testee to put his hand in
the jar and wiggle it around. Any reluctance shows weak faith, not someone you'd want to listen
too.
Weaker test: 1 Cor. 7:29: St. Paul says to cut out sex. If they are married are they still
making love to their spouse?
Stronger test: Matt. 10:18: Jesus sends out his disciples to heal the sick, cleanse the lepers,
etc. Again be skeptical and ask the testee if they are really from Jesus? They could be from a
false teacher or worse yet, the devil. If they assure you they are from Jesus test them. Ask for a
demonstration of healing the sick, raising the dead and cleansing lepers. Since lepers aren't
around AIDS patients can be substituted.
Weaker test: When the Bibliolator shows up at your door express concern. You don't want to
be duped by a fraud. Ask them if the description in Luke 14:26 fits them. "If any man comes to
me and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethern, and sistern, yea,
and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple." How does that fit in with loving others? If the
evangelist really hates their spouses and family why all the concern about living forever in
heaven with these people?
Stronger test: Matt 10:17-18: As the conversation goes on be sure you have the genuine
article. Ask if this person has ever been flogged in a synagogue or dragged before governors and
kings for Jesus's sake. The answer is almost certainly no. But continue with Matt 10:21-22. "And
brother shall deliver brother up to death, and the father the child; and the children shall rise up
against their parents, and cause them to be put to death, and ye shall be hated of all men for my
name's sake..." Ask "Have you had family problems like these?" Then "Does everyone hate you
because of Jesus?" The answer to both questions is almost certainly no. Say sadly and gravely
that you are afraid this person is not the real article. Send them away into darkness. You want to
learn about Jesus from the right kind of person as described in Matthew.
Weaker test: After the testee has made their opening spiel just ask "Are you morally
perfect?" Christians make a big deal of saying they are not perfect, just forgiven. Read Matthew
5:48 wherein Jesus says in the red letter edition, "Be ye perfect, even as your Father which is in
heaven is perfect." The answer is almost surely no. Solemnly note this is an imperative, not a
maybe. Bibliolators should thank you for pointing out their flaw. Tell the testee to come back
when they are morally perfect.
Stronger test: If the Bibliolator is a woman ask her if women are allowed to speak aloud in
the congregation. If the answer is yes, cite Paul's first letter to Timothy 2:11-12 "Let the woman
learn in silence with all subjection, but I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to ursup authority over
man, but to be in silence." If she still answers yes ask why that is ignored. What other commands
are ignored? Why?
Stronger test: Bibliolators seldom play fair. If the Bibliolator pleads with you to read the
Bible or pray everyday, or attend church, or say a little prayer, present your own proposal. Say
"Sure I will, if you'll do something for me. Go out into the woods alone where you won't be seen
or embarrassed. Call upon the wood spirits and water nympths to give you good luck. And say
this prayer...
“Lord Cernunnos, I have been so confused lately that I have forgotten you. Please
forgive me my sins. If you exist please manifest your being in my life. Thank you."
Since this looks like idolatry in the Bibliolators eyes they will not agree and you won't have to
keep your bargain either. They will leave.
Enough for now. Have a good time with this...
B*B Ammond Shadowcraft