Autumn's Journal
9/13/00
ive been getting alot of shit lately from ppl because i havent been opening up my heart on here as much as i was before...ya know what i have to say to those ppl?......FUCK YOU....you try opening yourself up to the public every fucking day and making yourself vulnerable to the world...ya know?..its hard enough to be me everyday,..without a bunch of strangers looking to my lack of mental stability as there entertainment...not that i blame ppl,..im the same fucking way,..thats how i get drawn in to crappy shows like the real world,..we all want a peek at other ppl's lives...and a peek inside there heads....so,...i guess what im doing is venting,...maybe i need it,..i feel like im at some crossroads and i need to make some choices...and i cant,..like im scared too,...cause that means growing up just a little more,...im really struggling alot lately also with the way i look to other people to make me happy...and ....when they dont,..or they dont live up to ,my idea of who they should be,...i hate them,..or get angry with them and pick fights...till they hate me....oh god,..i could ramble for hours,...but ...i wont,..u guys want more emotion from me??..tell u waht,..u email me and tell me all the shitty stuff about u,..and ill open myself up more ok?...untill then,..everyone kiss my ass
9/5/00
its been like a week ...i know ppl...stuff on my mind ok....and leslie's pc was down....and i hate working on my piece of shit....lots of nothing has gone on...which is sort of my problem...yesterday was my birthday....for the few who remembered,..thank u...it means alot ot me....for those of u who didnt...thanks ..it meant alot to me...
my mom couldnt make it...that sucked..im pretty down,..my back hurts and ,..well...icky birthday...i have some issues going on in my life right now that im not sure im strong enough to talk about here yet.....things could be worse i guess,..but they could be so much better....manic deppession sucks
8/29/00
im in a great mood today!!...my mom might come see me this weekend,..and its my birthday!!...its wierd how u just feel comfortable with ppl for no reason ya know?...take david for instance (he would be mr.amadeaus/the boy who took me to see the blake babies)...he makes me feel so comfortable,..like,...its ok to speew hatred,..then self doubt then,...a few seconds later...call him sweetie....ewwwwww...i called him sweetie,..that makes me want to puke..hehehe....but like,..i feel this bond ya know?..like...not like a dirty lets fuck vibe,..and not even a lets fall in love and take long stupid beach walks vibe,..its more like.....hmmm...do u rememebr a few days ago when i wrote about not having the bond with ppl that i need here?...did i write that or did i just think it?...anyway,...it kinda like the thing i have with my mom....but diffrent...maybe i actually found a real friend,..one that isnt trying to fuck me,..or control me,..or isnt so cold they cant show me how they feel,..ot who they are,..and....i really like that...however it scares the shit out of me...what if im just some chick that he pases the time with when talking to me,..what if im sooo overwhelming that he could never really be my friend,..maybe he is too scared to tell me,..autumn,..back off,..i dont need friends as bad as u do u fucking freak....or maybe im creating drama in my head so i can drive myselfcrazy and talk myself out of wanting to be close to him,..or so i can find things wrong with him....i know your reading this...hi david,..um....wont the real slim shady please stand up?
8/28/00
so i saw the blake babies!!!!!...thanks to the kindness of mr.amadeaus...as much as i would like to go on and on about what a great guy he seems to be and how i think he is way neeto,..but,..i know he is reading this,..and u know me,..rejection junkie,...doesnt want to feed into it any more than i already do....i had a really good time...good show...its 7 days till my birthday..im drawing all these blanks,..i think because i have alot on my mind today...i really miss my family so much...all of them,..my mom the most...its really hard to want to go home but u really dont want to be there..know what mean?...i guess i just wish i was close enough to see them often...not that i dont love leslie and micheal..because i do ..very much,...but,..i have this bond with my mom and sister...i really lack what i get from them here...and like...i really need what i get from them...i just dont feel like i have the emotional bond that i need from ppl,..i hear im pretty intense and overbearing,..imagine that..anyway,..maybe thats why i dont have that....or maybe its because...i dont know why it is...so anyway,...i would like to say ...errrr...nevermind,..ill leave u guys with a tori line...."boy you sure look pretty when your putting the damage on"......that was meant for someone...u know who u are...laterzzzz.....hehehe that was for u david..hehehe...see ya
.....i thought i was done...i was wrong,..one more thing,..jared,..if u are reading this,...i havent talked to u in a while,.....so,..im not sure why im putting this here,..i know u arent reading this becuase that would mean that u followed through with something that u told me u would do and that would be far to out of character for u,...what was i thinking
8/25/00
...i love it when ppl can make me smile....dont u guys worry,..your favorite angy bitch isnt losing her hatred for life or anything...just,...ant i get little crushes too?...dont worry,...in a few weeks he will prove to be a fruit loop and ,..once again...ill be crushless....god im so pathetic when it comes to shit like this ...its like a have a sign on my forehead that says "EMOTIONAL TRAMPOLINE, PLEASE BOUNCE HARD".......u guys wanna hear the song thats going though my head?...well,...i cant figure out how to like...put a song on here,...so how about i tell u the words...well,..some of them...."im the little masocist,...she's ready to confess,..all things that i never thought that she couold feel "....and yet another good line is...."some times i breathe u in and i know that u know,..and sometimes u take a swim,..i found your writing on my wall,..if my hearts soaking wet,..boy your boots can leave a mess".........ok,..need i say more?...or maybe i should,..maybe u guys dont get where im coming from,....maybe u dont care what i think o how i feel,..ok,..now,...im sure thats true...u guys suck...go away
8/24/00
i found this local alabama chat thing,..well,..actually,..i found it afew months ago,..but they did some work on it and i must say,..i like it,..anyway,..i talked to a few ppl on there last night that gave me a little hope...maybe there are some worthwhile ppl after all,...imean,..i cute asian chick that likes fairys??....a guy that would sit up in the middle of the night watching amaudaus even though he has to work the next morning??...man,..i shouldnt gt to excited,...he will probably start stalking me,..and she is probably a man..hehehehe..no offense guys,..im just jaded...so anyway,...although i didnt get enough sleep,..i am in a decent mood,..i always feel better when i feel like i relate to ppl,..even if its on the most superficail levels,..anyway,..im a little more up then i have been in the past week...mom,..have u checked this out yet???...if so,..will ya sign the board plz u wonderful woman..hehehe...i need to know u are paying attention to me..hehehe...im trying to convince mr.amadeaus that he doesnt need to take the date he has to see the blake babies,..she doesnt want to go as bad as i do dude....trust ...dont u guys all think he should take me??..its almost my birthday,..i deserve it dude...i think micheal(the kid i care for)has been eating brain tumors or something,....he's been doing alot of wierd shit lately,..not as wierd as the way he used to talk to "the scary man"...and wig me out,..but wierd still the same...i did however teach him the words to teenage dirt bag...hehee....what a great kid he is,.....so,..anyway looking for a nanny?
8/22/00
rejection junkie...thats me....why u ask?...its another symptom of that whole fear thing ...i dont feel comfortable really going into it but,..i just want u guys to know ...that i know...anyway,...ive been knda sick,..but,..i got some good news,..one of my fav bands are coming to town in a few days...ever heard of the blake babies?....anway
...the bad news??...i cant afford to go see them...fuck them...hehehe...maybe i can finagle my way into some tickets...im all kinds of mixed up lately...i miss my mom so much,..i miss my sister too,...but its not the same...i feel the need to care for her...my mom cares for me.....so,..anyway,...get your eflowers ready ppl,...the birthday is rolling around....ok,..im way mixed up today...im up im down,...i cant really entertain today,..what can i say...im a void clown
8/21/00
i love to drink..however,..im not so fond of the day after....but while im in my little land of escape,...im content,..now i dont need anyone sending me email telling me how dangerous that is for me,..or how its unbalanced to need that as an outlet...cause....DUH!....sure it is,...anway,..back to my point...had a decnt weekend ....for me anyway...went out..sang some karaoke,..yes im a cheez ball,..eat me....that was just grand...god i love that...
8/19/00
so i noticed the other day that i hae been dating these wrong...so just in case u wondered,...i had no entry for friday,..but ive only missed one day,...anyway,....today i would like to rage about co-dependency,...or even more personal,..my co-dependency...i really hate that i need other ppl in my life to make me feel worthwhile,...some random stranger came to the site last night and read my bio and journal ..he msg me after he read them and asked me if my need for to be excepted and my fear of intimacy were hard to live with dwelling in the same head,..ya know what,..he was hitting on something there...he is semi right on the exceptance thing....and dead on the money with the fear thing...i scares me that someone i have never even spoken to can see that in me,...it scares me because if he can see that in some stream of contiousness babbling while im making jokes trying to make jokes to make myself feel better,...anyway,..id he see's that,..what do the ppl who really know me see??...is it worse than what he see's?...or do they overlook it and not pay attention to it becuase its "autumn drama"...plz bare with me while i have this brief out pouring of emotion,..but it made me think,...it doesnt really bother me that he could see those things...scare me yes,..bother me no...but it does make me wonder if i should make myself this transparent to ppl.....because knowledge is power right?...does that mean if i give up to much of myself that i enable ppl to overpaower me??/...i know its probably hard for u ppl who dont know me very to see me being over powered,...trust me
it happens....ok...as i was typing that last sentence i started to feel uncomfortable with this whole sharing thing.....(burp).......so...how bout those yankees?
8/16/00
what a wierd mood im in today...almost manic,..must be from not sleeping or maybe its a manic episode...i vote for the ladder ,..they are always good for a few laughs,..i do all kinds of self destructive shit and not have to answer for it...now before u all get your panties in a twist...im just making lite of a serious problem so that i dont talk it all serious and over analize it and make myself crazier than i already am,....yeah right,..u buy that dont u?...hehehe...u guys should check out the voice chat that we have on this site
its pretty cool....u can type or talk,...so anyway,..u guys stop in and ill abuse u live!!!!...whatelse,..im not gonna be a cheez ball like les and have topic's of the day,...ya planned out bitch..hehehe...btw,...let me tell u guys the story of why i write in this manner instead of giveing a shit and writting in a form thats a little more profesional,...first of all ,..let me say that its easier to write this way for me than it is to plan it out....take a look ppl,..this is what my thought process is like....scary huh?....anyway,..the reason that i refuse to put more effort into this is becuase.....(insert sob story here)...when i was younger i truly belived i was a really good writter...i wrote all the time...i wrote poetry,...i wrote short stories,..whatever,..anyway,...this angel of mercy that we all liked to call an english teacher told me point blank that my writting sucked....thus i dont write anymore...sad huh?
8/15/00
today i feel a little blue and emotional....btw,how do u guys feel about the way i write in this like...stream of contiousness way?...can u follow it??...or do u wish i would take an english class?...not that it really matters or that i would change it but i would like to know...email me and let me know.......anyway,...u ppl arent responding to this site and becoming part of it the way i would like so get on it would u ....fucking idiots..hehehehe...so anyway,....today im less mean and more emotional...which,..actually makes me angry and the whole cycle begins again..im having one of those i hate u dont leave me days ...like....everyone bugs me,..but i dont want them to leave me ....ever go though that???why do ask u ppl questions in this thing???..u never respond to them...and why would u???....u dont give a fuck,..u just come read my journal to make yourself feel better about your own life right??...and dont respond with a bunch of awwww autumn bullshit,....just.....LOVE ME DAMMIT......i miss my mom,... and its almost my bday,....anybody here want to send me a card or some cash or a present???...get in touch with me,..im not proud,..ill take it...ok..im off for now to torcher the child...may post more if my mood changes
8/14/oo
another day another maxi pad....so leslie and i spent lunch today raging about educaton in alabama...pretending to be intellegent...pretending to fucking care....and to the boy that left me the msg with all the princess bride quotes,..if u were trying to get on my good side.....u did...hehehe...see im not as heartless as u ppl think...i just want to be loved dammit.....someone hold me..........and yet another random thought...im being very serious when i say that i hope my mom reads this today and i would like to say....mom...come out of the closet....i dont mind that u are a big dyke mom....i love my big gay mom....did u guys ever see heathers???...i was refering to the scene when the football players are dead and the dad is standing at the casket and he says..."i dont mind that u were a panzie"....then he turns around to everyone and says..."my son is gay and i love him...i love my dead gay son"...and christian slater says...." i wonder how he would feel about a son with a limp wrist and a pulse"....hahahahaha...i amuse myself so much some days...i think we should have a contest here....and i think the prize should be me.....u get to spend some cyber time with me...(not like that u fucking pigs) what do u guys think??....let us know by emailing us at TheTruthHurts2000@yahoo.com
8/13/00
so yet another monday morning...period is almost over thank god.....as u all can tell leslie is on one of her im horny kicks again...someone fuck her already so she can do it feel like it was a mistake and get over it already my god.....so do u ever go though those stages where u sit around all the time thinking...why am i so unbalanced and unhealthy???....no??...didnt think so,...nevermind
8/10/00
i have actually had a decent day,..the kid i take care of is like a fucking sponge,so i use that for my own amusement....god he is a hoot,...today i taught him to sing "wont the real slim shady please stand up".hahahahai love that my job involves influencing young minds!!!anyway,..we were playing later on in the day and he asked me something and i answered he said "your kidding" and i asked him what kidding means and he said "you can say it and not get in trouble"....hahahahaha, what a great kid...and he's only 3!!!! anyway,...its always great when a rotten kid can make your day right? oh,..and by the way,...i found this song today thanks to my wonderful friend jared that everyone should check out,...its my knew fav. its called sick and beautiful by artificial joy club...the name says it all there....the opening line says..."all the worlds your ashtray...your sick and beautiful"....check it out.....its the best song ive heard in a long time....and by the way jared,..were u trying to tell me something when u said listen to the lyrics???...should i take from that you want to marry me and breed and have sick twisted children....or am i getting ahead of myself??
8/09/00
ok,...so u want a look into my head huh? ok here u go,..im really glad i started my period today,..i was starting to freak. um,...oh yeah,...dont u hate it when u are ragging and like,...u can feel the blod clots like,..passing though the hole?...isnt that just vomitous?
