One Helluva First Date...
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel.
"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.
As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mom is busy knitting.
After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her panties and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.
No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room.
At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"
"It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."
After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story.
'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a glass of water over her behind."
"I see," says the girl, "What happened then?"
"Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid.'
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.
"It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, screw him. I'm watching the match.'"
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L.A. DRIVING RULES:
1.)If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current color of the light.
2.)The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.
3.)If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially, applicable in parking lots.
4.)Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.
5.)While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially fun if driving in the fast lane.
6.)Every lane is the suicide lane.
7.)For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars. Honest.
8.)If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.
9.) Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.
10.) Totally disregard on-coming traffic.
11.) In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can not drive in any sort of precipitation.
12.) While driving uphill, do not down shift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.
13.) When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the alarm, and put The Club on your steering wheel.
14.)On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.
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A Couple One-Liners:
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?"
What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Did you hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.
What does Kodak film have in common with a condom?
They both capture that special moment.
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
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Giving kitty a bath....
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The DOG
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The following test was developed by a combination of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are extremely accurate in describing your personality with one simple question.
Which is your favorite Teletubbie?
A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red
DECIDE BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN
Profile for women ...
A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people.
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions, quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination.
(keep reading)
Profile for men ...
A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.
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MAMMOGRAM PREPARATION EXERCISES
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam & doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE #1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE #2
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE #3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist and invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breast. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years, Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; *thinks* she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
