Yuck. I'm depressed today. Tuesdays and Thursdays bring about depression because I hate my classes on these days. I woke up today at 7:30 to do my Geology questionnaire that I didn't quite finish last night. The plan was that I'd do it and study for my math quiz until 9 o'clock, get a shower at 9, and then leave for school at ten to make it to class by 11. WELL, my math quiz was at 9. What in HELL was I thinking? Am I losing my mind?! So, it's not a HUGE deal because we can drop our lowest math quiz grade...but it's just the idea. I didn't go to my Tuesday math recitation last week either. I hope my TA doesn't think I fell off the face of the Earth. I feel as though I'm losing my mind sometimes.

Then I decided I'd rather stay home and exercise than go to Jewish and Women's Humor class. So I'm about to go exercise now. I have a couple minutes left, though.

It takes every ounce of energy for me to go to class. It's not as bad for classes I like, since I at least enjoy them. The only class I like, though, is Abnormal Psychology. 1 out of 5...great huh? I feel ill when I'm out in public places. I left school on Thursday for this reason...I couldn't bear to be there. I then went to the mall, though, and didn't feel as bad there. I think it's only when I'm around people my age...because I feel so much uglier than they are. I feel as though I stick out like a sore thumb...some freakish, tubby girl walking to class that everyone stares at. This has affected my life for so long. In high school, I'd skip so often because I felt incredibly fat for having eaten a whole pizza or whatever else I ate the night before. I'd just make up illnesses, and mom would believe me and call me in sick. She began to know what was going on, though. But it's as though she didn't care. I've always wanted her to worry about me...to help me help myself. But she never has. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not right...SOMETHING is very WRONG. I'm so sick of it. I want it to end. I don't know how.

I just watched India.Arie perform on a morning show of some sort. I cried so hard. You know how when you're sad already and then see someone or something that touches you so much...it's as though a gate is opened and all your pain flows out. It's unbelievable how many good things are happening in the world. I know no one else really sees this, but I do. In all the darkness, candles are being lit. India, "because of you, a change 'gon come."

I have decided that I think I'm going to get a new job this summer. I was going to stay at JCM until I graduated, but I think that's holding myself back. I need to spread out, do new things. I'm sheltered to so much of the world. Getting a new job would be a nice start to open up. I really think that if I filled my life with more things...volunteered, etc...that I'd be so much happier. But I'm SO tired and so lacking energy all the time. You need energy to have a full life. So what am I to do? In Spring I'll start looking in the newspaper and seeing what jobs there are. I'll look in Cincinnati newspapers. I think I'd rather work there.

I've realized that I fit my friends into my schedule as though they're business appointments. I feel obligated to be with them, as though I owe it to them...or moreso in some scheme to keep them liking me, since somewhere along the line I got the lame idea that if you don't see someone constantly, you two will inevitably grow apart. This sounds very deluded. For instance, today at some point I am going to call Jessica. I love Jessica...I love being around her, talking to her. But I know I'm not going to feel like talking to her today because I'm going to get home from school and have one measly hour before I have to be to work...and then after work, I'm going to want to watch TV and go to bed. But I'm going to call her anyway because I feel bad since she's the one who always calls me...and that makes me feel guilty because I know how it is to be the one having to put forth more effort in a friendship. But as for the friends issue in general, don't get me wrong...I always have so much fun with them. I love them so much. They make me so happy. I try to make them happy. I just wish there were more time. I need more down time, time just to sit on my couch and not have to think. See, though, whenever I DO get time like that, I fill it with something. I get online...or I go shopping...or I rent a movie. Do I even know what I want?

Well, I'm going to go work out. I need endorphins right now.

<~~~