I'm in such a giddy good mood. I was in a really bad mood when I woke up because I felt incredibly sick from what I ate last night. I don't know what kind of pain I've been stuffing away lately...but I've been eating so much food that I've been sick for an entire 2 or so weeks. I don't gain weight anymore, aside from the ten pounds I keep losing and gaining back. And I eat gigantic amounts of food. I wonder if people really have a peak weight. If that's possible, I've hit mine. That's kind of comforting to know that I'm as overweight as I could possibly be...yet disturbing at the same time because...well...I'M AS OVERWEIGHT AS I COULD POSSIBLY BE! Anyway, I got in my car to drive to school and began listening to Alanis Morrissette Jagged Little Pill. I was listening to "Forgiven," which is a song describing what being raised Catholic does to a person. That's always been my favorite song on the album, but, oddly enough, I've never listened to the words. I find that kind of ironic...because it really touched me today, as I really listened to the words for the first time. She tells it EXACTLY how it is, yet not in an angsty, anti-church way. She has a kind of, "It was a part of my life in the past, and I'd not be the person I am today without it, but it's not who I am now" way of describing things. And I kind of took comfort in that. All of a sudden I let my mind wander...pretty much to blankness...and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. And I realized that everything is okay. No matter what, I'm going to be okay. I don't really know what I'm worried about all the time, but I am...and that realization was wonderful. What a sigh of relief. Anyway, then Lindsey and I worked out. We were NOT motivated, but we had a good time chatting and such. Then I went to math and slept through the whole class, pretty much. I popped a yellow jacket in the middle of it to try to keep me awake. (I'm not a fan of drugs, but oh well.) It didn't really work since they take about a half hour to set in...but this girl started talking to me that I kind of know, so it was okay. I always feel like such a dumbass falling asleep in class because you know everyone's staring at you...not to mention my absurd fear of sleeping in front of people. Let's see...then I went to Dyer Hall and signed the green paper to apply to be a Psychology major. (I'm only a Pre-Psychology major until my request goes through. You can only apply to be a Psych major after passing 381.) Then I sat around doing homework until class, during which I ran into Mae. I have decided that I don't really like her all that much anymore. And this kind of sucks because she was one of my favorite people at one time. I can't describe why I'm not a fan of her anymore, really. She just seems overly into herself...and at one point she really made me feel "seen," in a Marianne way (Tori reference)...but she really doesn't anymore. That sounds very selfish and shallow of me to stop liking her for such a reason...but isn't that what a friendship is based on? Someone caring about you? I don't feel as though she does. I feel as though I'm someone to talk to and nothing else. I think I stopped liking her as much when she missed our poetry/bondy day and never even mentioned it or apologized. Oh well. Anyway, and then I had Abnormal Psych. My teacher told us today he's 55! He looks REALLY a lot younger than that. He has grey hair, but the rest of him is very youthful. So I just figured he was a young guy who went grey fast. I really only estimated him to be about 44. Matt and I walked together after class. He is the most unpredictable human being. I find myself thinking of him as a child or as a mentally-challenged person sometimes, and I know that's horrible of me...but he's just not all the way there, it seems. I like his company, though. Um...then I drove to Krogers and got tons of food. It was weird buying non-vegan food because as non-vegan as I've been this whole time, everytime I go to Kroger, it's usually when I'm on a healthy vegan eating spree. Trying to be vegan has totally messed me up, I think. My body doesn't know what the hell is going on and in turn has been craving all kinds of foods (such as BEEF!!!). My binge cycle has been worse than ever, and I've been all nasty carnivorous lately. I don't know what's been wrong with me. I don't know...the dairy market is still abusive to animals, but I think that's just because the world is a piece of shit in terms of how most things are run. Maybe cows are on this Earth to give us the gift of milk...that doesn't mean we have to exploit them. But, alas, I need to stop worrying about such things. Stop focusing on the negative and preach a peaceful, respect-for-all-life message...go Regina!

It's so liberating to start living life for yourself and stop caring about what people think...only showing them a "you" that you think they'd like. I've done that all my life and never realized it until now. I've always thought I was so "real." I've been being myself (aside from not coming out to my family) all the way now, and it's really wonderful the way people react. It seems people have been extra nice to me, and I've been talking to all kinds of strangers, something that's never really happened that much before, as I've always been "shy." But now it's like...all kinds of experiences and opportunities have been opening up for me. Live your life for you. Create it the way you want. Don't worry about what others think. That is my message to others that has taken me 20 years to learn. I even told my mom on Sunday that I will only be attending church when I feel the need to, meaning probably not every Sunday. I told her my viewpoints about religion and spirituality. She seemed understanding at first, but she asked me later to further explain. Apparently, she thought that by my not wanting to really go to church anymore, I was expressing my disbelief in God. So I set her straight and answered many of her questions. Doing so was kind of difficult because I know the answers I gave were outlandish to her, such as my lack of belief in Satan and a real "right and wrong." I told her that if she read CWG, she'd understand a lot better. She expressed no interest in the book. Then I left to go out somewhere, and when I talked to her the next day, she said she'd read some of the book. I think it was over her head. But I think it helped her to see where I'm coming from on some things.

Oh, I also bought John Mayer's CD today. It's good! But lots of the versions on the CD are different than those I got online. It's all good though. A cute boy held the door for me going into Media Play. Fun times.

I'm going to go lie down. I'm really tired lately...probably because I eat complete garbage. I have to study for Geology. I HATE the class. I seriously get angry about having to go to it. It's because my teacher is a complete ass. I hate learning about goddamned igneous rocks. The rocks in Cincinnati are 450 million years old. Did you know that? Do you care? Didn't think so.