Yesterday I was driving in my car to go to my Abnormal Psychology exam. I began, for some reason, pondering very seriously the idea of telling Ruthie I'm bisexual. Then I began thinking of every possible outcome that could occur from doing so. Her husband, Shawn, thinks the world of me. He's also not a fan of homosexuality. She'd inevitably tell him since he's her husband, and then he'd no longer want to speak to me. She'd also probably tell Rose, and then Rose would feel differently toward me, too. Ruth also might think I'm some sort of freak and not want me around her children anymore. Or she'd think it's a phase since I seem to want to be the "different one" in the family (as every seems to think of me, what with my occasional "gothic" look and whatnot)...and she'd think I just want to shock people. Yes, this is sounding extreme, but these are some of the consequences I seriously pondered. I was crying the whole way there. I almost threw up, as well. I also thought of some of the positives of telling her. 1.) She might begin to change her negative thinking of gay people. I think on some level, she might still think it's a choice and not something you have no control over. So maybe I'd open her mind. 2.) Maybe my telling her something so personal would show her how must I trust her and, thus, make our relationship closer. And, the biggest one, 3.) By telling her, I'd no longer be "alone" in this in the sense of having to ponder by myself how to deal with telling the family. She knows our family as well as I do; as much as I love my friends and turn to them for everything and appreciate their advice, I'd really value Ruth's advice about whether or not I should tell the family (and, if so, how to do so in the least heinous way possible). It would just be nice to have someone in the family to talk to about this HUGE part of myself that I've kept secret for so long. By the end of the drive, the negative consequences I'd formulated in my head weighed out the positive ones. I decided to stay in the closet for at least a bit longer. All this on my mind, I did badly on my Abnormal Psychology test (I predict). I just couldn't concentrate. I had to read some of the questions 3 and 4 times. Sigh. Just a few moments ago, I was talking to Liz on the phone. I got off the phone with her, and Mom accused she and I of having something going on because she thinks I talk to her in a romantic way. I really don't talk to Liz any differently than any of my other friends. I really think it's mom's imagination playing tricks on her, probably since she knows Liz is gay and, therefore, assumes that if Liz calls me, she likes me romantically. Mom then said, "You're not gay are you?" I said, "No, but what if I were? Would it make a difference? I'd still be the same girl I am right now." I wasn't feeling too happy. I want to move so far away and be away from all of this. I haven't been able to sleep lately...except in class. I think it's because of this stress I've felt over the issue of my sexuality. I'm 100% comfortable with who I am. I just know the family wouldn't be. I want to be their perfect little sister -- that's how they see me right now. I don't want to ruin that image. Sigh. Sometimes I want to die. I know that sounds morbid...but sometimes I wonder if this life is worth the effort. If I died, I'd just be in some other life, hopefully one less stressful than this one. No, I'm not suicidal. I'm just tired.

Last night I went to the movies with that little boy Derrick and my friend Jessica. I was asking him how he was doing on the car ride there. He said, "Good. Scotty hasn't hit my mom in a long time. And he only drinks once a week now." I almost started crying. A child should NEVER have to witness his own mother being beaten. He said he told Scotty that if he ever touched his mother again that he'd beat him up. I told him he should call the police if it ever happens again. I hope it doesn't. I feel so sorry for Derrick. I love him so much. I almost want to adopt him, but I could never raise a child right now. I can't even raise myself. He talked to me through the WHOLE movie, as though he never has anyone to listen to him. And he kept asking me when we'd get together again. Sigh. It was sad. Yet it was also fulfilling to know I was doing something so good for him. Jessica and I are going to take him out regularly. We'll take his little brother, Devon, too...even though that child is hyperactive. Afterwards Jessica and I rented Better Than Chocolate and had a bondy night. I truly love her.