I met the most wonderful girl today in the locker room after working out. (I almost wrote "making out." Freud would be proud.) Lindsey and I walked into the locker room. Lindsey asked me if I had Advil, which I didn't. Then a girl sitting on the bench in a towel said, "I might." But then she didn't and said she was sorry. Lindsey got in the shower, and the girl and I started talking. I don't even remember how we got to talking, but she was telling me about being on the rowing team at UC. And I could have a decent conversation about it with her because my friend Mae was on the team and used to tell me all about it. Even though I'm not into rowing, I loved hearing her talk about it because she was so passionate about it...and I love when people have passion for something. While we were talking, she was trying to get dressed discretely. I tried not to look at her to give her privacy. She went into the bathroom to put her shirt on, though. She must have been self-conscious about her stomach or boobs. The least I had on during the conversation was pants and a bra...I couldn't tell if she was checking me out or not. I tried to get my shirt on as fast as possible because I'm shy about being naked in front of people. I didn't feel quite as shy around her, though, because I think I was slightly thinner than she was. (I sound shallow.) For this reason, I'm surprised she's a rower...she has my kind of figure, and I definitely don't think that's an athletic-looking figure! She was talking about how she puked at first and how hard they push her and that she's lost 11 lbs. since becoming a rower. And then she was saying how she's not going to be at UC all that long because she wants to go to some college in California to become a film-maker. (And all I could think of was Dawson because I'm a nerd!) And she was talking about how she loves to travel and gets bored with one thing easily, for which reason she's only worked at places three months at a time before quitting all of them. And I was saying her plans sounded exciting and that sometimes I wish I could do stuff like that. And she said, "Well, if you don't like your major, why don't you change it?" But I explained to her that I DO like Psychology but would like to pursue my writing, too. And then we bonded because she writes poetry, too! And she shook my hand or gave me high-five or something like that. I was putting on my makeup while she was talking to me, and I'd glance over, and she'd be looking right at my face. I felt such a connection. I tingle just thinking about it. At the end of our probably 15-minute conversation, she asked me my name. I told her and asked hers, which is Sara(h)...and we shook hands. And I said I'd see her around the locker room hopefully again (because I'm a nerd!!!). Well, LATER, I saw her at the food dome. I didn't say anything to her because I was so shocked at seeing her again...and by the time I went to open my mouth, she'd already walked by. She didn't see me. So I do kind of hope to see this girl again. She is only a Freshman, meaning she's probably 18ish. She went to the same high school Liz went to. I wonder if Liz knows her. I've been stalking the internet looking for a picture of her. I tried to find her high school's website, to no avail, and I went to UC's Rowing Team site, which didn't have pictures either. Oh, to be a stalker. I should write a book. Anyway, not to be stereotypical or anything, but I was definitely getting the non-hetero vibe from her. She had really cute hair. It was short and spikey everywhere, except in the front she let two strands grow out really long and pulled them back...like...behind her head with a barrette. ANYWAY.

Last night I went to a Conversations With God meeting with Jessica. I was skeptical. I thought it would be overly creepy and cult-like. It was quite the contrary...it was wonderful. Every single person there was so open and honest and caring. Though they barely knew me, I felt they loved me already. I got this vibe from a certain activity we did. We had to choose from a list of things in one of the CWG Study Guides (or something...I'll have to buy them...along with EVERY SINGLE OTHER BOOK NEALE DONALD WALSCH HAS EVER WRITTEN!!!!)...the list was things like "lots of sex" and "lots of money" etc. You would have to tell whether the one you chose was a need or a want in your life. It sounded VERY stupid at first. But the activity itself got us all to talking about so many wonderful, enlightening things. The thing on the list I chose and said was a need in my life right now was "acceptance of others." By "others," I was mainly thinking my family. Everyone else I am friends with knows just about everything about me. I'm being myself around them. They love me for me. My family, on the other hand, only know the me I allow them to know. I hold so many things back for fear of them judging me and, thus, lessening their love for me. The two main things are my lack of enthusiasm for religion and my bisexuality. I don't know how they'd feel if they knew I didn't believe everything our (I still say "our" out of habit) church teaches. But I'm the most worried about my bisexuality, as I've expressed in past journal entries. I'd love to come out to them one day. But I just don't feel I can right now. I'm too dependant on their love and acceptance of me. The church thing I do want to work on, though. The main thing of the night was my relationship with my mom. I shared a lot of things with the group, and they were SO helpful. I felt so much love and amazing encouragement. Even after we got off of me and onto other people, the conversation kept coming back to me. I told them how afraid I am of her not accepting me. I mainly focused on the church thing because I didn't feel the need to let them know about my sexuality. And, as Lindsey pointed out today when I was telling her this story, sexuality and spirituality go hand-in-hand. If I were a devout Catholic, I'd suppress my feelings for women. And I tried to for a very long time. Even before I realized my sexuality, I remember sometimes having feelings for women and feeling really strange about it and really guilty...but I didn't realize they were THOSE kinds of feelings. Nonetheless, I feel I subconsciously repressed these feelings. ANYWAY, there was a girl in the group, Erin. At first, I was very intimidated by her. I felt she acted know-it-all and kind of Dr. Phil-ish. But the more she talked to me, the more I realized that she was a very knowledgeable person. I came to find out that she actually had one of those out-of-body experiences. I was talking to her boyfriend about it later that night. She used to be a "party girl," he said, and someone gave her some drug one night. She asked if it was okay. The person said it was, so she took it. And it must have been some kind of funky drug...she got taken to the ER and was dead for a minute in a half (flat-lined). In that minute and a half, she went to The Absolute (which, as close as I can describe it, is Heaven)...and she learned so many things about life. The main thing she learned is that there is beauty and perfection in EVERYTHING. She kept telling me that I shouldn't try to change my mom because the way she is is working for her. There is perfection in my mom's way of living, although through my eyes she is massively depressed. But even in depression, there is perfection. There is perfection in EVERYTHING. One thing I've learned the past month is that sometimes you have to find out who you are NOT before you realize who you ARE. That is why "bad" things happen. No matter what happens to us, we're going to be fine...because there is no such thing as death. And, as gothic and strange as that sounds, I take comfort in it. So, if worse comes to worse and I am more myself around my family and they DON'T accept me, I'll still be okay. I'll be...OKAY. Oh, it's sounding so inadequate to describe things on here. I have not been blessed with the talent of explanation and description. People just have to be there to understand...and they have to read the books to understand. Jessica would talk about them all the time, and I'd always assume they were stupid books, mainly because almost every book I've ever read of a spiritual or religious nature has been very ungrafitying. But after I read them, I understood what the fuss is about. There was so much energy in the room last night. There were people my mom's age there. I couldn't talk for parts of the night because I was holding back tears. Someone asked me a question one time, and I just couldn't talk; I had a lump in my throat. It was hard talking in front of so many strangers like that. I'm not a public speaker at all. I really think the group will help me conquer that fear, though. It has been such a powerful month for me. It's also been very scary because I have all this new information now, and I'm still digesting it...and it's not fitting in with the rest of the world...so I feel like I'm floating everywhere -- sometimes in a good "I love everyone" way, sometimes in a bad "I don't think I belong here" way. But I think I just need time. When you change your life and way of thought overnight, you can't expect the rest of your life to adjust to that as quickly. I'm going to try to go to the meetings every month. I felt so much love for Jessica last night after it was over. I kept touching her, not in THAT kind of way...but in just an overly "I love you" way, the way you can't keep your hands off a puppy or a child sometimes.

I have two tests tomorrow, so I'm going to start studying for them. I gave Jessica a mixed Jeff Buckley CD. I hope she likes him. A girl at the movie theater was reading Dream Brother the other night, but I think I said that already. Oh my Lord, these people on Surviror drank cow's blood (as is being shown on the Rosie O'Donnel Show). I feel ill right now.

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