School was okay today. I like my "Jewish and Women's Humor" teacher. She told a penis joke. She warned us that she's going to be raunchy...my kind of woman. She's about 50 and has a thick German accent. (Maybe she's Jewish...hehe.) She's really beautiful...I've been thinking everyone's so painfully beautiful lately. It's kind of strange.

Next came Astronomy class. Though there were about 100 seats open, a girl whose name I found out was Jenny sat right next to me. Figuring she was lonely and wanted to chat, I started conversation with her by asking, "Is this Astronomy class?" Dorky I know, but there was no number on our room, so I figured I could have been wrong. Well then she said, "Yeah...this guy I know told me this would be an easy class..." and then went into this REALLY LONG story about how the guy invited her to see his band play, so she went, but he IGNORED HER there (how dare he!)...and then she asked me if I'd met any cute boys in any of my classes yet...and then told me about a guy she'd met in her last class and about how she and her friends were writing his name on paper and pointing and giggling and teasing. The whole conversation felt so surreal! Because 1.) I had never met this girl and 2.) I hadn't had conversations such as those since maybe Freshman year of high school! I mean, I will admit that I get giddy and goofy around boys, but not in a really SERIOUS way, just in a joking, fun, light-hearted way. But she was speaking SERIOUSLY about these guys. Goodness. I do admire her being so open and honest with a stranger. I love people like that. I hope to become that way with strangers, too.

And then she and I worked on this stupid paper together that involved Physics formulas (I've let myself forget that Astronomy falls under the category of Physics, bahhhh!)...and we had to turn it in. I said I'd turn it in. Well, I got up from my seat and happened to look down, and there was blood smeared all over the seat. I went into a state of panic, thinking my period had leaked all over the place, immediately wondering how I'd get out of the room unnoticed and where I'd find something to tie around my waist for the rest of the day. I asked the first girl I saw if she'd turn in me and Jenny's paper, and she gave me a disgruntled "Sure." I'd have been pissy at me, too, because I know she assumed I didn't feel like walking to the bottom of the lecture hall (it was a huge one)...I said thanks and practically ran to the bathroom, only to find that my period hadn't leaked anywhere. So I must have been sitting on someone else's dried period. Gross!!! But I was relieved. God, the things we women have to go through -- of all the times I've ever thought my period has leaked, it never even has, though. One time when I first got it, it leaked...but it didn't matter because I wasn't in public. ANYWAY...

Then I went to Geology. As I was approaching the room, tons of people were pouring out. I assumed they were people from the class before. I wondered why more people weren't waiting in front of the room as I was -- I was only maybe 3 minutes early. I went in with a few other people and sat down. I figured I'd play the game Jenny had played with me and sat by a girl, despite the surplus of open seats. She was a very cute girl with facial piercings and fun vintage-ey clothes. She acted a bit uncomfortable by my sitting by her. Oh well though. Well we all sat there, maybe 7 of us, and no one ever came into the room. And then we realized that the class was cancelled. The cute girl I was sitting next to asked what was going on when everyone got up because she'd been off in her own little world when we all came to the conclusion vocally that class had been cancelled. So I told her. I guess she may not have been so freaked out by me afterall.

Yesterday, I went back to the meat department at work to do something or other. Henry was back there talking to Dave. He hugged me and held onto me for a bit afterwards and kind of looked into my eyes as though he was going to kiss me. It was kind of uncomfortable for me. I feel sometimes as though he takes advantage of me. Hugs are fine, but his hugs always have a little bit more. Then I went back to the cash register. He came up and said, "Does it bother you that I touch you?" I said, "No, why?" I was hoping he'd not say that I acted as though his touching me bothers me. Because I don't want him to feel that way. I know he probably never gets touched...is probably very lonely...and I want to give that good feeling to him. He said, "I just want to make sure it's okay." I said, "Of course! I hug all my friends!" He said, "In that case, give me another one!" So he hugged me again. Then we talked for a bit. He talked a lot about how he feels about me. I began talking about something else...I think we got onto politics, and I was saying something that was contradicting what he was saying, but he was starting to agree because he tends to do that, for fear of people not liking him, I think. (I have more respect for people who stand strong in their beliefs, no matter how against mine the beliefs are.) But then he changed the subject again back to how he felt about me. He always tells me I smell good. He said, "I don't know if this is going to embarrass you, but I was telling mom the other day about how when I hug you, and you smell so good that it's kind of a turn-on." WOW, that was something that left me speechless! Yet it was so innocent...almost childlike. And then he hugged me again, as though he couldn't get enough of being touched. And he leaned in to kiss me! I'm not completely sure he was going for my lips...I may mentally be changing things...but I think he was. I turned, though, so he kind of grazed my temple. I felt kind of upset at his kissing me, yet I felt as though SOMEONE needs to touch this guy. I don't think we, as humans, can LIVE without physical affection. I wish he'd just find a nice girl who was like him, however that is. I wish I knew what exactly is wrong with him. I've come to the conclusion as of late that his mother is a large reason he is the way he is. She's never pushed him out of the nest. He's lived 29 years as her slave, and I know he's going to be her slave until she dies. I don't know what he'll do when she dies. I am almost afraid HE'LL die. He has no other purpose than to serve her, I think he thinks. She's not a sick woman. She's not well, but she's perfectly capable. And her boyfriend lives with them...why Henry gets stuck doing ALL (I mean ALL) of the housework is beyond me. I tell him all the time to not let them take advantage, but it's as though he doesn't even realize he's being taken advantage of. Sigh.

Well, I'm going to go to bed...eh, probably read Conversations with God (book 3) first. God forbid I spend a day without reading those books. What will I do when I finish them?! Probably read them again. It'll take me a few readings to fully grasp the material, anyway. My whole life I've known something just didn't add up, something just wasn't right when it came to my viewpoints on God and life...and I've just been searching, searching, searching. It's almost scary to finally find the answers. I've known them the whole time...that's the scary part. Not scary...enlightening. I'm such a goddess. We all are. I wish we'd all stop crucifying ourselves...how wise Tori Amos was when she wrote "Crucify." I've never respected her as much as I could have because she's always been "out there." But maybe she's not been all that off-target.

Ooh, I have to write about something else really quickly even though I don't feel like it. I hung out with Jessica the other night. She takes care of her uncle, who has Cerebal Palsy (spelling?). When she's spoken of taking care of him, I've never pictured him as being that incapable. She gets paid by the state for being his caretaker (lots of money!). Well, I got to meet him the other day. He weighs 60 lbs., Jessica said. He was lying on a bed by the television, groaning and making noises. I was frightened because I thought, stupid and idiotic and impossible as this is, that he was just a HEAD (of course I only thought this for a nanosecond since a mere HEAD only exists in maybe a Stephen King flick)...because his body was under the covers and was so tiny that it didn't even make a lump in the covers. Apparently he can say something resembling "Mom" and "Yes," Jessica said. He's fed through a tube. He was supposed to die by his 6th birthday, but he's 49 now. Jessica and I went to pick up her boyfriend Zach, and then we rented movies and got junk food. We came back, and her uncle had gone to the bathroom (#2). The room smelled atrocious. I'm sure Jessica and Zach (he also takes care of the uncle) were used to it. She had to change his diaper. I went into the kitchen, not knowing if I should be in the same room...because I wanted to give her uncle (I think his name is Terry) the respect of privacy. He does have some idea of what's going on, I think. Well, I was kind of peeking while she was changing him. She took the covers off him, and I looked at his gnarled little naked body and felt SO LUCKY to be alive and well. I spend so much time complaining about how I want things to be different in my life, not even realizing how incredibly lucky I am. I told him "It was nice meeting you" before I left, finding myself speaking to him in that voice used to speak to a child, much to my regret -- he IS an adult. And he made some sort of noise, probably meaning, "Nice meeting you, too." Jessica is an angel on earth; she really is.

<~~~