I feel so lazy and so exhausted! I slept plenty of hours, like 8 or 8 1/2. I think I've just had a gluttonous, lazy past two weeks, and that it's catching up to me now. I'm excited about getting back into the swing of exercising and not eating garbage.

Winter break has done me well. I have done pretty much everything I've wanted to do. I've gotten my room pretty much cleaned up...found publishers to submit to...relaxed...got to think about things a lot and analyze my life...and I've felt an incredible amount of gratification through my relationships lately. Tony and I had a long talk about my feeling as though he didn't acknowledge our incredible bond at Kairos last summer. He explained his side so that it made perfect sense to me and renewed my faith in his love for me. The Van has just felt closer, I think. I'm not sure why. Melanie and I have gotten really close the past few months, and I love that. And having Karen back has been nice. She's a big comfort to me and the rest of us, I think. She's one of those people who, when you are around her, you feel kind of at home and relaxed and safe. Corey and I also have been kind of bondy. It's just been a great Christmas break. I got to see Angelina, Liz, and Jen the past week, too. I hadn't seen them in a really long time. Angelina and I went out to eat at TGI Fridays the other day. She's another person I feel really safe and comforted around. Oooh, and we had a REALLY cute server, and he was flirting with us both. And I was going to leave him my number, but I chickened out! And now I wish I would have. In 2002 I'm living with no regrets because everything I think I'll regret not doing...I'm going to DO. Yes mam! Liz and I hung out yesterday. We went shopping for pajama (is that spelled right?) pants for me. And then we came back to her place and played around on the computer...and looked up really scary porn, over which we laughed and gagged multiple times, depending on the porn type. I don't know why I took sex so seriously for so long. For the past week, I've been spending every free moment reading the Conversations with God books, which I think are a large reason I feel so incredibly drained. I'm learning so many truths that I've always known existed but still rejected because they didn't fit within other frameworks I had. And the book is explaining how those truths fit within the frameworks...and I'm so like...enlightened and happy and just euphoric over finally getting the answers to the questions I've asked myself since I first learned how to ask questions. I'm living in that "hole" I spoke of on the main page of this website. It's also very frightening because all these things that I now have realized are things so different than what most of the world holds as true. And I want to shake people and make them see the light, the way I have, but I just feel so powerless in the situation. And I'm still trying to digest it all, which is what's making me exhausted. I don't think I should have sat down and read all three of these books (well, I am part done with the third) in one week's time. I see so many changes that are going to come of my life just because of my new perception. I also fear that I'm going to meet with a lot of frustration in viewing people living in ways that are slowing their progress at becoming enlightened individuals. And this frustration is wrong of me, but I know I'm going to have it. I'll try not to. I just hope lots and lots of people discover the books. They will change many lives. They already have.

Oh yeah...Tony brought home his friend Andy. I just love Andy! He's so sweet and sincere and just a genuinely good guy. I don't think I see a "spark" between them, though. Andy makes it obvious how enamored he is with Tony, but I don't think Tony feels that way about Andy at all. Andy and I really hit it off. He kept kind of gravitating toward me. Our energies really connected well...my body felt warm when he neared me. Melanie brought home James, as well. James and I also get along really well. I feel happy when I'm around him. I think he feels happy when he's around me, too. I like watching the way Melanie is when she's around him. She's lived her life pretty much without a significant amount of romance, and it's as though he's brought out this whole loving, romantic side that she's had in her all this time but has never really let out. As cheesy as it sounds, she's kind of like a flower that has just now bloomed. Her cheeks are rosy around him, and her eyes have this twinkle. Love really is amazing. I can't wait to experience it (well, love that is returned, of course). New Years Eve last night was full of couples. Karen had Kyle. Melanie had James. Karen's friend Jen had her guy. Shannon and Tony. Tony and Andy kind of had each other. So Corey and I were "dating" for the night. And he kissed me at midnight, which was positively adorable. And then I kissed Tony...and then Andy kissed me! So I got THREE kisses for the night, as opposed to everyone else who only kissed ONE person...muwah haa ha haaaa. I won't lie -- I did feel kind of melancholy at the thought of being unattached when everyone else was. I'm trying not to be so needy and always wanting of things. I believe that the more you keep wanting things, the more you get so used to this idea of not having what you need to be happy...that you NEVER become happy, no matter WHAT you get. So I will try to give off a vibe of being content with what I have and being happy...and then naturally things should fall together in my life. 2002 is going to be THE year; I can feel it. = )

My antibiotic is finally starting to work, thank God! All that crap in my chest that I've been trying to cough up for a week now without success is now able to be coughed up! I am so amazed at modern medicine. I need to start living a lot healthier, though, to prevent having to use it. And this will be my career one day -- to help others do the same.

Life is about to go back to normal, to stop feeling magical. I know it's ALWAYS supposed to be magical. Christmas just makes it so surreal...and just having my friends home that I'm away from all year. But I'm ready to go back to the "monotony" because I intend to make the "monotonous" moments magical, as well. This is my goal for the year. That and to be a size 12. We'll see. = )

Forgot to say -- I'm done being vegan. It's almost impossible in the society we live in. Maybe one day.

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