My first on-line journal entry...spiffy! Okay, I had THE STRANGEST, seemingly crack-induced dream last night. I'm going to share, and if anyone reading can analyze it for me, feel free! I will give you the summarized version.

First, I was in my basement with two guys, one guy who is in my Art class and was in my Literature class last quarter. I have always found him so, so attractive, but I never have gotten around to talking to him because he used to walk into Literature class with his friends, acting completely obnoxious. So I figured he was a shallow, self-centered wench who'd not want to talk to me. The other guy in my basement was Lawrence, this guy I've recently met and befriended who is in my History class. We were eating pepperoni pizza, despite my vegetarianism, and looking at my CD collection. The aesthetically pleasing guy and I apparently had some sort of an attraction developing. Lawrence left, and the A.P. guy and I were left alone. I took him to see my bedroom, which I show everyone in real life since it's awesome as heck, and he gave me the most amazing kiss. I could feel it, though it was only a dream. And it's strange because it was it was on my shoulder, over top of my clothing, yet I felt thousands of little tingles all over. I knew that the A.P. guy had been sexual with lots of girls, yet at that moment, I knew with every fiber of my being that he loved me and that I was different and that we were going to be together forever. Then the scene changed, and we were in some other basement with a group of people, one of which was Lawrence. It was some sort of a support group. My A.P. guy whispered to me, in quite a sexy voice, "Let's get out of here. C'mon." He took me to another room, a billiards room. I remember wondering if we were going to fool around and thinking, "Oh, God, it's been so long! I don't even remember how!" But we just talked. Then we went into this other room, which was a laundry room, and there was a computer with Pamela Anderson (Lee?) porn on the screen, and I was like, "Have you been looking up porn?" And he's like, "No! It was Lawrence." And then we realized it was Lawrence's basement, though it was also a ~drum roll~ cancer support center. It was like an Alcoholic's Anonymous, except for cancer patients. Then A.P. guy and I had a serious moment and were talking about his sickness. He had some type of cancer and only had about five years to live. Yet, it's strange...we were at peace and so happy to have each other and to have such a wonderful love. I was at the clinic because I THOUGHT I'd get breast cancer...I think this in real life, too...just have a feeling, I guess. Anyway, then we went back to the group, and a very cute, chubby lesbian girl was up front. The "coach" (who was such a flaming homosexual...he was like Leon off Fashion Emergency) was saying to her, "You came here so shy and unsure of yourself. And look at you now, so confident and beautiful." And he was stroking her hair in that undescribably wonderful, loving way gay men touch people (or me at least!). Finally, the end of the dream was my going back to my friend Shannon and telling her about my wonderful guy I'd met. I was telling her about how he was going to die soon and asking her what I should do. And I remember just saying to her, "I love him so much." Then my alarm went off.

I woke up feeling so spiritual and loved and close to God. I was teary-eyed. So that is my dream...I have no clue what it meant!

So, back to real I was supposed to start his totally new lifestyle. This "new lifestyle" is mainly comprised of lots of health food in moderation, lots of yoga, meditation, and bunches of other stuff. I got it out of this yoga book I bought, that I'm claiming is "my new Bible." It's truly wonderful. If I achieve the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health this book claims I can have...well then I don't know what! But it will be the end of my "I hate my body" and my "I am bitter with God" and all my other negative thoughts. I'll keep you posted. I'm off to the store to buy fruits and veggies now. = ) The new lifestyle will start tomorrow because I wanted one more sluggish, lazy, junkfood day.

I really wish I would figure out my spirituality. One day I'm Christian...the next day I'm not. I'm just so confused. Grrr! Maybe one day soon I will see the light! Amen!