Rebecca:

Why she hates elves: They're little and I am not little.
What they stole from her: Once they stole my ability to speak English. That was kind of bad.


Jamie:

Why she hates elves: They wear clothing that is obviously made by poor, starving toddlers in third-world countries.
What they stole from her: In 7th grade, they stole the tip of the index finger on my left hand, but I got it back.


Vicky:

Why she hates elves: They're scary ugly people that make me cry!
What they stole from her: Her virginity.


Will:

Why he hates elves: They're always staring...and staring...and s t a r i n g...
What they stole from him: My ONLY clean pair of undies on gym day...damnit!


Paul:

Why he hates elves: Because they are small and fast.
What they stole from him: and they've stolen my drive and ambition because they're so hard to stomp.


Jesse

Why he hates elves: I hate elves because they are better soccer players, more erudite, stunning craftsmen of all things wood or pulp.
What they stole from him: They have stolen the concept of a deep pressure eggplant cooker from me.


Nick

Why he hates elves: well...they always kill my little brother. You know, the one I don't have?
What they stole from him: My favorite piece of wallpaper


Amanda:

Why she hates them: They are stopping up the vents in my air conditioner with their pudgy bodies (from eating those cookies shaped like themselves). Do you know how much money that takes to get an air conditioner fixed and elfin-free????!!!
What they stole from me: Batteries! Batteries any size, from any and every room in the house. These elves have yet to see my reign of terror, but when my cd player batteries die, all hell will break loose in the elfin world!!!!


Wally:

At first I thought you meant Elvis, boy did I have a bunch of words to share, but hence you meant elves, well they took 15 hits of yellow sunshine of mine back in 1969 and I've never seen them again.....


Woody:

why he hates elves: cause the dirty little commie bastards jumped me.
What they stole from him: Nothing. Those little twinkel-toed cocksuckers tried to kill me. I was in my room reading the newest issue of Popular Mechanics and listening to Led Zeppelin when the lights went out, i looked up and saw i was surrounded. I quickly jumped over thier heads, grabes my BB gun, flipped my desk over and established a perimeter. Needless to say, I was ready to kick ass and stack em' ten high. Then they attacked, their beady little red eyes and sharp fangs shone like death in the moonlight. I took out the first wave with small-arms fire form several of my BB guns, with deadly accuracy, blood and small pieces of bone were all stuck to the walls as their heads split open under my hail of gunfire. They retreated, leaving a pile of corpses in their wake but regrouped, and came at me again, i was out of ammo, and had no other option than to fight my way out, so i killed several more with combination hand to hand and knife fighting techniques, i chopped one clean in half and organs and green goo oozed everywhere, i was pokin' eyes, slashin' guts and kickin' throats as fast as i could; good thing i had my buck knife w/ me at the time(i always carry it now, for obvious reasons.) It was a hard fight cause those little bastards are tougher than they look, and as i waded through the blood, guts, heads brains and bodies, finishing off and dispatching the wounded, i realized i got i got all but three, one of whom was the leader, they got away and escaped to my basement where they currently reside, just waiting to catch me off gaurd again, but ive learned my lesson, and that mistake shall not be repeated. I only sustained minor injuries, as one of them had a hatpin, and another had a small chain saw(but like i always say, pain dont hurt) And that is the story of the Battle Of Woody Kicking The Living Crap Out Of the Elves, I hope you have gained wisdom and insight from this, dont let it happen to you.


Jordan:

An elf fell down a hole, he starved to death, eventually the hole was filled and they built a Starbucks, THE END...