:::Why I hate Elves:::

To be honest with you, elves aren't the only creatures that frighten me in the night. I'm also terrified of circus clowns, bright pink sparkly things, and Michael Jackson, which I'll save for another time. And so without further adieu: Reasoning: 1.) They're thieves. I know this because I've lost many things including socks and baby teeth. And where do they go? Hmmm... 2.) They endorse Nabisco. Elves and cookies? No. I do not want their little grubby hands anywhere near my oreos. Plus they conned the company into making elfin-shaped cookies...narcissists! 3.) They give the "vertically challenged" a bad rep. At 5'2", I could be considered short, even slightly elfin, and the elves and all their shortness (and malevolence) contaminate my stature. Errm...yea. 4.) They live in hallowed-out trees. Now what better way is there to strip animals of their natural habitat than to turn the tall elms of a forrest into COOKIE FACTORIES. Burn, Ernie, burn. 5.) Their looks are deceiving. Like clowns, elves pose as gentle, even comical creatures when in reality they are twisted and evil, corrupt like their egocentric schemes (like elf-shaped cookies). The glitter in their eyes is not of a joyful spirit. Nay, that sparkle comes from eeeeeviiiiil. :::more to come as soon as those damn elves give me back my keyboard. They stole it in fear that I will expose them as the frauds they are:::