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On Visiting Wisconsin |
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1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Lodge. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll beat you up. 2. Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll beat you up. 3. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak.... or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the pound of ham and turkey. 4. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices.... Onion, Pepper, and Garlic! Oh, yeah.... we don't care what you folks in any other state call that stuff you eat... It ain't real lutefisk. And real lutefisk never met a tomato! 5. Yeah, we eat walleye and northern pike and love it. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 6. Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sheboygan, Mukwonago, Onalaska, Oconomowoc, Nekoosa, Pewaukee, Wauzeka, etc.) . 7. Don't order a bottle or a can of pop here. Here it's called "soda". Accept it. 8. If you bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, and drive a truck. 9. So you have a $60,000 car.... we're impressed. We have a $250,000 combine that is driven only 3 times a year. 10. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way! 11. So every person in every pickup waves.... it's called being friendly. Do try to understand the concept. 12. If you plan on moving here, better know we're 'neighborly' - that means we actually know our neighbors' names, their kids' names, their kids' kids' names, their dog's name, and where their house key is hidden. 'Keep to yourself?' - what does that mean? 13. We open doors for women.... that is applied to all women, regardless of age. 14. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. 15. College and high school football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks... and a heck of a lot more fun to watch. 16. Colleges? Try MSOE, Carroll, Marquette , UW (all 20 campuses), etc., etc. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays and support their parents! 17. We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here, unlike some places where people are allowed to live off parents past the age of 16. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would beat her up. We are also not dumb enough to elect a Professional Wrestler to our highest state office. People like that should be beat up. 18. Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And don't laugh at our love and pride of cheese or we'll beat you up. 19. We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll beat you up. 20. Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent. That will incite a riot and you will get beat up many times. 21. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and New York and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstates 90, 94, and 43 are ready when you are. Go home before you get beat up. 22. Along the same lines, don't try to tell us we don't have beaches like California, Virginia, Florida, and North Carolina. We got two great lakes, lakes up the ass, and the biggest river on the continent. You knock our beaches and we'll beat you up. 23. Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and farmland. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll beat you up all the way back to Chicago. 24. Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will beat you up. 25. Don't lie to any of us. If we don't find out right away, we will eventually. We will then beat you up. 26. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll beat you up. 27. Anyone from any point further south than the Mason-Dixon line will have their ass kicked back to whence they came. If you are from Virginia, we will beat you up using some LaCrosse Steel reinforced boots. 28. Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. 29. DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the prairies should "go back to the buffalo." This will get you shot (right after being beat up). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box minus vital body parts. 30. Pull your droopy pants up 'cause you look like a clown, a fool and an idiot! And your hat visor goes to the front!! 31. They are cattle, dairy cows, and hogs... and they smell. They smell like money to us. Get over it. 32. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in... we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 33. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the Saturday before Thanksgiving. 34. Yes, all those little white churches are filled on Sunday morning for the 7:00 a.m. early service... so we can get home in time for the Packer game. 35. Sure, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards it spooks the fish. 36. Tow truck, what's that? We'll gladly pull up to fix that flat, transport you for gas, and, if you're stuck in the ditch, we have Allis, John, and Massey to pull you out. Oh yeah, we'll jump you too! ( Wisconsin translation: Use our jumper cables to recharge your battery). Had you goin' there for a minute!!! 37. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines than any other state, so, 'Don't screw with Wisconsin .' If you do, you will get whipped by the best. 38. Always remember what a great mind (Robert LaFollette) once said: 'The United States wouldn't be what it is today if it had not been for Wisconsin !' Enjoy your visit and then go home. |
