Joe Dwarf: Shoebox and I thought it would be entertaining to go back and see what our initial impressions were during the top 155/top 85 shows. This time, I didn't write anything down. So what we have here are Shoebox's early impressions. If I chime in, it's me trying to remember how I felt about it back then.

Take four: Top 155

Shoebox: So, the Top 100, Except Not...

Seriously, why do they keep rounding it off? Were the odd fifty-five inserted in there with CGI to provide random rejectees?

Shots of Zaire girl (Liz) and (I think) Serge having breakfast before heading off to find fame and fortune. Luckily, their family members are all morning people. I shudder to think what I'd do to a camera crew at that hour.

More chirpy CGI people mill around trying to find the way to Toronto. The Winnipeg contingent gets lost. Kirk - or is it Adam? - leaves Really Teeny Tiny Bay, NFLD for the first time. (Actually, Adam - Kirk, whichever - is giving off some rather strong indications that he's spent his life there in the basement. Probably playing euchre.)

Toronto! Buses! Hotel rooms!...Zany! Gahhh. You can tell these kids are promising performers by the straight faces they keep as he 'jams' along on the bus. He is so totally the loser who used to get up on a desk and air-guitar whenever the teacher left the room. Daniel however still greets him as 'brother' ("Mom called, it's your turn to pick Uncle Gord up from the Legion...").

Solos. Jake, evidently a big proponent of the Pressure is Good school of motivation, flat-out informs the group that they're much better than last year's. This raises a hackle or two on behalf of Billy, Tyler, Jenny etc...until the singing starts, and I am forced to admit he may have a point.

There are some seriously fabulous performers in this crowd - not just singers, but people who know how to use their voices for maximum impact. (Dorky song choices, however, are still a constant. One girl wastes an entire Mariah-esque tour-de-force on It's Raining Men, and don't even get me started on the Fame thing.)

We revisit a few familiar faces. Sweet Marilyn the boxer from Edmonton still can't sing much and goes first thing.

Serge is once again smooth and assured in violent contrast to his physical appearance, and makes a CGI contestant cry. Then again, we later see this girl crying over at least two other contestants. Maybe her programming broke down.

Daniel "is trying too hard," in Shoemom's opinion, but I don't care 'cause he's pretty and funny.

Kaleb...beams in from whatever planet his style makes sense on. I didn't think men were even genetically capable of that much vocal melisma.

Joe Dwarf: My thoughts at the time: Kaleb must die, painfully. I grew to appreciate him later.

Shoebox: The soft-voiced girl from Edmonton - whose name I have shamefully forgotten - gives off a sort of Rosemary Clooney-type cabaret vibe and is mesmerising. I wonder what will happen when she's confronted with the inevitable Celine-heavy song list, but for now, coooool.

Joe Dwarf: That would be Kyla, who really impressed me in the early going. I kept waiting and waiting for her to live up to her early promise but alas...

Shoebox: Josh - whom TPTB still think is just a tad more appealing than he actually is, possibly because he let them film him in a hot tub with a CGI blonde - is competent enough vocally to stay.

Kevin and/or Adam can't sing, but only one really can't sing (plus his song choice is all wrong - Neil Young, b’y! Neil Young!) and is booted. Unfortunately they have some sort of Newfie-grunge version of Romeo and Juliet happening and the other one just can't go on (despite Benedict's best Dr. Phil impersonation: "Get over it! Time to par-tay!"). Sorry 'bout that, guys. If you ever make it back out of the basement I'll come see you perform, OK?

"Where's the little girl [Annie] from Montreal? When do they get to her?" Shoemom complains. Good question. Last Girl from Ottawa isn't here either. They coulda cut out a couple of the SHOUTING! girls with no trouble at all, but nooooo...Sigh.

Groups. CGI girls excitedly mill around the hotel, mill mill mill. It's late, and they have to rehearse. Rehearse rehearse rehearse. A couple (guy) groups are having trouble getting it together, and snerk at each other. Snerk snerk snerk.

Bulletin from the More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same Dept.: the girl groups - hi Theresa! I believe you can sing non-jazz now! - are generally great, tight harmonies and funky choreography; the guy groups...well, there's one quartet (including Mohanza sans teacher! Hey, Mohanza! I believe her now!) singing Wildflower as if they're about to go on because Boyz II Men got sick and become insta-stars, but otherwise...doy.

Joe Dwarf: Some of the girl groups were astonishingly well-rehearsed and sounded great. Others, not so much. I recall being more impressed last year.

Shoebox: Brock Brocklecloset looks lost without his ducklings. Honestly. He keeps peering out at the camera as if hoping to see something soft and pettable waddle past. Plus, he screws up the words to Your Song. So do the rest of his group. So does another trio who sound like they might actually have been OK otherwise. I am in mild shock that this song isn't burned into all their brains; apparently I'm the only one who grew up with a Lite-FM obsessed parent. Lucky me.

On the other hand, Kalan, the shy little fella who sang House of the Rising Sun, absolutely nails this song. Nails it. Does it more justice than Elton John himself did, almost. I am loving this kid so much; he has this lovely stillness about him, until it comes time to sing and he just effortlessly gives whatever song everything it needs and more. Mmmm.

Time for the Chinese Room Torture ("looks like they're in a holding cell and they won't tell them what they're in for," observes Shoemom.) By now I'm guessing they can pretty much tell which room is which, making it all that much more fun.

A couple kids in the wrong room start sobbing, leading another to bust out of her programming and announce "I'm not upset! I got a free trip, and a buffet, and..." We cut away before she presumably says "...and I got this cute little packet of L'Oreal conditioner! I never used conditioner before!" No idea whatsoever whether to cheer or groan, here.

But Theresa, Kaleb, Josh, Mohanza, Kalan and Daniel all make it through. I think I see Serge and Annie in there somewhere too...

Take Five: Top 85

Shoebox: Empty stage. Benedict explains - and add that stupid Stage Whisper of Suspense of his to the 65,297 things that make me shout "Bring on Rick Mercer!" at the television screen - that the remaining 85 contestants will be pairing up for duets.

(As someone pointed out, he doesn't explain what thus happens to No.85, although watching him/her try to sing to her/himself might be fun.) FarmBoi pairs up with an equally sweet-looking little girl. Shot of her nestling into his shoulder as he informs us, "We're the youngest in the competition, so we figure we should stick together. But before we start rehearsing, I have to go rescue some adorable kittens from a tree. Bye!" OK, that last bit may have only happened in my head.

Islands in the Stream. Ye gods. In all the long, vivid history of pop/rock duets, they have to bring up Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton singing a Bee Gees song. With wonderful evocative imagery like "I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb..." Have I mentioned that I hate this song?

OK, moving on. We see Farmboi & co. doing a decent job. As far as I can tell, anyway. They show a lot more of him being angelic than they do him actually singing.

Lip-ring boi - whom I shall be referring to as Ed Grimley from now on, for reasons that should be obvious - starts us off with 'How're y'all doing tonight?' Much better once you lay off the smarm and start singing, thank you. He actually proves to have a nice, smooth voice with some range...not enough to overcome his inherent annoyingness, but nice. And his partner gets all kind of points for bouncing off his oddities so skilfully. She really turns in a performance.

Joe Dwarf: Lip-ring boi is of course Jacob. His partner was Elena. She was unbelievably hyper after this performance, and duly so - they did a great job.

Shoebox: Isn't this nice, I am thinking; nobody's staging an AI-style meltdown. Except Kaleb. Whoa. His partner sings, he stands there moaning random syllables. Not much to say except dude's either stoned or totally blanking. His partner is way too busy implying the former to notice the judges' obvious disdain. She hangs Kaleb so far out to dry, I think I saw the clothes-pins. What a pity, I am thinking; this is exactly the kind of melodrama Simon's always whining for on AI. In fact, why don't we just give these two express tickets to LA right now. Or if there's an Outer Mongolian Idol, that works too.

Luckily, a couple couples turn out to have taste and we see two Unforgettable performances, both of which rock the house. Manoah and Jermaine display fantastic...uh...presence (Jake: "You do realise this is a family show, right?"). Theresa & Mohanza are a little more mannered - you can so tell Theresa spent her childhood singing along to her favourite jazz records - but equally engaging.

Joe Dwarf: At the time, I didn't think there was anything too skanky about Manoah's performance, it was just suitably smokey. If she could have kept it that natural later on, she might have gone further. These two were definitely the standout duets of the day.

Shoebox: And...that's it. We see a total of maybe seven couples out of forty-two-point-five, and one of those is a flameout. Way to introduce the wide and varied Top 32 there, editors.

Ah, but now it's time for final solos. When a Man Loves a Woman. The one song all of those guys have to have been belting out in front of a mirror since they were so high.

Hah.

Kalan wails out a couple very convincing bars...then stops. Dead silence. He has the type of voice that doesn't do 'hum a few bars and fake it' at all well, and to my mingled relief and despair he doesn't try. He wails out a few more lines. It's enough for his extraordinary talent to shine through, but...he gets the music-of-meaningfulness cue as he leaves. He's heartbroken. So am I.

Joe Dwarf: I wasn't. I'd seen enough of him by that point to know that this wasn't going to make a bit of difference. I was positive he would be going on.

Shoebox: But wait! Cue montage of everybody botching the words to this song. Daniel goes down. Shane the perogy salesman goes down. Several random CGI contestants go down. Mohanza does not go down, but makes me cringe anyway. Mohanza should not be wailing anything, ever. The judges 'deliberate' for the cameras. Jake seems to like a lot of the people everyone else hates, and Sass vice-versa. In other news, water is wet. Chinese Room Torture. Daniel and Serge are in the Room of Doom. Rats...[thinks of all the stupid schtick Zany undoubtedly had planned if his 'brother' had made it through]...OK, I'm better now. Kaleb, on the other hand, is staying. [Monty Python peasants] Yay. [/Monty Python peasants]. Your Top 32, Canada! Let's celebrate by turning them into backup singers for last year's top four! Sheesh. (Although Billy and Audrey look great and Ryan...uh...sounds great. Gary...uh.)