So, 80’s night… and let me tell you, I am in no mood to let anybody off lightly. I had to live through this stupid era, alright? I wore the neon, I watched the Corey Haim movies – sometimes at the same time. Adored The A-Team, dutifully burned the lyrics to 99 Red Balloons into my brain. Spent one entire Grammy awards faithfully justifying Cyndi Lauper to Shoemom, who incidentally still gets reverential glances even though she never once put a flower in her hair let alone went to San Francisco, not that I am hopelessly bitter or anything…

…So I would like to see you young punks show some RESPECT, capisce? I have a mp3 of We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Ahem. So first off I just need to announce, for the benefit of anyone who’s feeling especially peeved about these recaps, that ‘May you be forced to watch an endless taped loop of Ben and Farley making like an ersatz Sugar Hill Gang’ works just fine as a curse.
Seriously, man, there has got to be some sort of ex-client support group thing going on here. I can just see Maestro sobbing helplessly in Gord Downie’s arms: “They took my song, man! That’s all I had left, was the song!” And Downie patting him sympathetically: “I know, man, I know. You see those table-thumps? I know.”

I would be startled and horrified by Sass’s I Dream of Jeannie getup if it was also not reasonably possible that’s her one clear memory of the 80’s, the time she misjudged the dose and was forced to watch the late-night cable reruns in the motel room.

Amber – Just Like Jesse James. Uh, what’s the deal with the tasselly thing? It’s a very nice random accessory, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that I get distracted easily when the neckwear looks like it might take flight any second.
So she sings the song, puts an absolutely effortless country spin on a rock ballad…and direct comparisons to Cher are still sorta lacking, which is a bad sign. I'm thinking on balance we'd all be a lot happier if she just took her nice ordinary down-to-earthness and volunteered at the Goodwill or something.

Rex – Every Breath You Take. OK, I seriously love this song. And I love the headband. And all the while Rexy here was 'singing' I couldn't for the life of me enjoy either. Picking possibly the one rock classic of the era that requires true vocal and/or emotive subtlety? Bad move, b’y. Not to put too fine a point on it, but you could pretty much see the wheels spinning frantically all the way through. “Uh, I’m sad that she’s gone…but I’m also mad, right? Cause, she like, scratched my car or something? Wait, I got it - I’m bitter! Cool! Springsteen does bitter, I can work this!”

Suzi – Heartbreaker. Am mildly weirded out by the look even as I appreciate the effort – it reminds me a bit of my old Jem doll once I got done ‘styling’ her hair. Also, the boots are less authoritative-cool-strut than than authoritative-fee-fi-fo-fum-stomp. She’s not by any stretch of the imagination Pat B., certainly not vocally…but she did seem to be a bit more invested in living up to her tonight at any rate, and since it's becoming painfully obvious that Suzi's only ever as interesting as her source material, it was listenable at least.

Aaron – Working for the Weekend. In a faux-hawk. Oh, dear Roman preserve us. That was so calculated he might as well have been holding up signs: “Applause,” ‘Clap’, “Yes, I Am Really Rocking Now!” Honestly, there’s getting to be something distinctly surreal about watching such an obviously nice, down-to-earth guy working so hard to convince us that he is, in fact, all nice and down-to-earth and stuff. And failing. It’s like he’s a particularly well-meaning Third Rock From the Sun character.

OK, so apparently Zack’s now auditioning for a road-show production of The Illustrated Man and it has a severely crappy budget…oh. Never mind. I suppose what he got for his credibility will keep him in pocket mirrors for awhile.

Casey - Like a Prayer. Madonna. Riiiiiight. Vocally perfectly fine – even promising for those first few seconds – but once the chorus kicked in…I mean, c’mon. This isn’t a professional performance, it’s an Idol performance. Check that, it’s the performance by the little girls in the commercial singing along with AI Barbie. People were clapping, and she was encouraging it. There’s just no hope.

Darryl - Tainted Love. Well, gotta give him his props, the 80's were all about the cotton-candy camp. And I'm not sure whether to be more terrified that Darryl might understand that so well or that he might not… OK, so having seen the full performance I’m kind of relieved – this is more Tainted Love: The Power Ballad. Which still has the potential to turn up in odd corners of the Internet, but at least I can watch it – even enjoy it for the effortless vocal if nothing else – without the unsettling feeling that I’m contributing to George Michael: The Next Generation. Except for the parts where, I dunno, he gets this eager “Am I hip yet?” look going on and I just break out into helpless giggles.

Zany. Aerobics. Can we say ‘inevitable, boys and girls? At that he’s still way less annoying than Richard Simmons…but that body may be the most unnecessary rubbery-looking thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life with the exception of that one Iron Chef episode featuring tofu. I do have to admit, I enjoyed watching Zack forced to hop along. Not nice to fool with the sartorial gods, is it there, Werner?

Josh – In the Air Tonight. Zack totally called it – he got underneath the pretension and found the raw emotion that makes that tune a classic despite it (well, that and the dopey urban legends). When he wants to, he can literally compel an emotional response. I give him full marks. On the other hand I also really, really don't want to look at him ever again. This is turning out to be an interesting season in ways I can truly say I never anticipated.

Melissa - Holding Out For a Hero. Yeah, I know, but you gotta admit, it's a tricky song to pull off. Shaky at the start but by the time she was done was just radiating power and presence. Which is not something Fantasia ever managed, and she had real soul on her side. Lost points for the awkward attempt at sucking up re: Zack's hat, though….then again, as long as Zack is wearing the hat, might as well get while the getting’s good...[sigh]

So, results...Benedict, believe me when I tell you that nobody ever got hip dressing for the cover of the Zellers flyer. Seriously, I'm pretty sure I marked that sweater down last week - and the really bad news is, I work in ladies' wear.

Group sing...you know something's wrong when I'm all outraged that nobody's doing proper justice to Huey Lewis. Also Robert Palmer. No, kidlets, people did not have 'attitude' in the 80's, especially not while singing songs backed up by robotic models. What they had, was absolute and utter confidence in their own pretensions. So it should come as no real surprise that Josh and Suzi come off relatively unscathed - and share some unexpectedly charming chemistry while they're at it.

Meanwhile, I'm worried that Melissa has been spooked into believing she now has to EMOTE the living daylights out of her every second onstage, a la Elena last year. Honey, I don't think Palmer meant being addicted to love was necessarily something you wanted to discourage, there...

Jon Dore. Lounging in full Alistair Cooke regalia while the contestants read fanmail in voices that range from slightly dubious (Josh) to Mr. Rogers (Aaron). Amusingly, although there are several references to 'working hard' nobody seems to have been inspired by any actual singing. Frankly - although, don't get me wrong, I'm sure your message was great, pure Norman V. Peale, really - were I to receive a tribute to my 'big smile' encased in glittery construction paper I would automatically conclude I was doing something way, way wrong. Now, if all this is supposed to be a satire on the entire 'inspiration contest' deally-bobber, then it is dead brilliant and I take back everything I ever said about him with the exception of the codfish-kissing. Oh, and the drag stunt. And, oh, yeah, the fart-lighting. And the hairy...look, for the sake of my incipient post-traumatic stress disorder let's just move on now, 'kay?

Time for results. Ben tries a little Seacrest-esque mind-messing with Aaron. Aaron waves an affectionate fist. Because that's what nice, down-to-earth guys do when they're bemused with relief, says so right there in the script. Damn Yankees, I think, or possibly You Caan't Take it With You.

Suzi gets first call and moves sloooooowly down to the seal in what looks like quite genuine shock. I am too, sort of; if nothing else, I thought people'd be more intimidated by the boots than that. Amber gets second call, and does not look shocked. Based on interviews the next day Amber is apparently the actress of the century, but here and now, she's the soul of graciousness.

Darryl and Rex are safe and interestingly enough, share almost identical expressions of relief. I wonder just how convinced Rexy had become that he could coast on a few generic screams and partisan t-shirts.

Josh is third up and heads out resignedly. Melissa looks hugely thankful to be left behind; Casey looks like "What? It's not MY fault if Josh is all icky!"

Judges...look strangely at peace. Seriously, y'know that one line at the end of 99 Red Balloons? "If I could find a souvenir/Just to prove/the world was here"? Well, the hunt's way over as far as our four-pack's concerned, folks.

Zack, if you had superpowers, who would you save? "I DO have superpowers, Ben! I'm...Captain Ego!" Oh, thank Roman, he's finally snapped out of it. The resiliency of the human spirit truly is a wonderful thing...well, that, and that one shirt from mid-Wednesday probably chased him around his dreams all night cackling in a British accent. Unfortunately, humility has its drawbacks too. "I...would save...I...uh..."

OK, so Sass? Farley? "Wait, wait, I wanna say Suzi!" [sigh] Well, that was a short-lived epiphany. Go back and listen to the Nine Inch Nails some more, Werner. The others express mild shock over both contestants that aren't Amber. "Somebody has to decide they want this thing! As soon as that happens, the bar will be raised!" Jake announces. Bad news, Gold, they do want it. It's just that last year, you had a bunch of musicians wanting careers; this year, you have a bunch of singers wanting to be Idol.

Anyway. Josh is first back, hugs the still-freaked Suzi and mutters something comforting ("Excelsior! We've got the hairdressers on our side!") . Suzi is called next and stalks very slooooowly back to her seat. I think somebody just got a serious wake-up call re: her own press releases, here. Girl's not my favourite by a long stretch but it's gotta be humiliating to realise you're not making it as a rocker on an Idol show.

But she goes back, and Amber stands alone, and Ben nearly trips over himself explaining that it wasn't her fault, or anything. Amber accepts this graciously, then makes a gracious speech thanking Canada for the support and the judges for their insight, then (as per departing tradition) sings us out with everything that was missing from the original...then goes back to her hotel room, knocks back a fifth of Jack Daniels and tears her pillow into little, itty pieces. OK, just guessing on that last sequence, but hangover's as good an explanation for the next day's complete 180 as anything else.

Clap clap clapclapclap. Next week: The Golden Age of Music. Hilarious quick cut to the couch showing contestants wondering if they couldn't maybe start at pewter and work their way up?

...and one recapper groaning aloud, because she just realises a)she used all her best jokes on the Big Band recap last year and b)she's liable to be inspired again real quick this time...