Last week on Canadian Idol – Joe drank a lot of rum and went tubing at Candle Lake. So thhbbbpppttt!!! to your Idol butchery of Stevie Wonder. And thanks to Shoebox for sitting through that mess over and over again to satisfy her fans’ sick desire to relive hour-long train wrecks in print.

This week, Ben strides out on stage, mugging for the camera for all the world like a politician who fakes a sense of humour. He’s got a black pin-stripe suit over black shirt, and the skin tone has muted into something less nuclear glowy-orange, but still about as natural-looking as store-bought eggnog. And roughly the same colour.

Just to save time, I’m going to assign every lame 80s reference to a macro that takes an argument. Ben starts off shift-F1(Huey Lewis) shift-F1(Culture Club). He warns us to vote, vote, vote as if somehow by everyone voting, we’ll avoid eliminating everybody. Maybe we can put this sorry season out of it’s misery by not voting at all, thus eliminating all at once? Oh, that it could be true.

Shift-F1(Brat Pack) Jake is queried about “one of the very first times” (English! Words have meanings! grumble grumble) a front-runner is eliminated. Jake blathers from inside his blue pinstripes that we all need to get out and vote for our favourites. This seems to be a theme amongst Ben and all the judges, so shut up, CTV. If it wasn’t for your stupid unlimited voting scheme we wouldn’t have these regional phone wars in the first place.

Apparently Farley managed Maestro Fresh Wes, Canada’s first international rap star, providing the cue for Farley and Ben to rap a little bit of Let Your Backbone Slide. At this point I think it would be a toss-up between watching this, a Vanilla Ice video, or removing my spleen with a corkscrew. Let’s leave the brief musical interludes to Sass, shall we?

Sass has a high pony-tail and orangey-yellow chiffon shirt thing that exactly matches Ben’s man-tan. Think a divorced Jeannie on the prowl in the 80s. Ben wants to know how to handle that first sniff of fame. “Grab on to it and keep flogging it until your 15 minutes are a distant memory, play small town fairs if you have to, then when it’s finally used up jump at any chance for another dose later on – even judge a 2nd rate talent contest if you have to.” Or, blah blah boring “have a sense of humour and keep perspective”. I know which version I would have liked to hear.

Zack is wearing a “That Guy” T-shirt. Perhaps he reads Miss Alli? Ben wants to know what he was doing in the 80s? Playing some heavy tunes with Thick as Thieves, it turns out. Zack had some fairly serious hair band hair back in the day, yo.

Time to introduce the contestants: shift-F1(Madonna) Casey, shift-F1(Rubik’s Cube) Josh, shift-F1(Bette Midler) Amber, shift-F1(Brian Mulroney) Rex, shift-F1(Golden Girls) Melissa, shift-F1(ET) Daryl, shift-F1(Mt. St. Helens) Aaron, shift-F1(Robin Williams) Suzi. Jeebus, when you lay it all out like that it’s a little cruel, don’t you think? Let’s associate Casey with a pop star who can’t sing, Josh with an annoyingly trendy puzzle, Amber with a (way) less than beautiful diva, Rex with a crooked politician, Melissa with some bitchy old women, Daryl with a penis-shaped alien, Aaron with a belching mountain and Suzi with a frenetic ball of hair. Hokay. And people say I’m mean-spirited.

Cue the montage of bands whose music 19E mostly can’t or won’t secure permission to, as well as a few 80s iconic moments. We see Terry Fox stumping along, Diana marrying the ears that would be king, and Ronnie Raygun looking presidential. Thank god we’re spared another reference to repatriating the constitution. It was the defining moment of Brian’s career, donchaknow? Scandals? What scandals?

We get the first of an interminable series of audience shots of Degrassi cast members. I swear by the time the show’s done they’re showing the key-grip’s third cousin Eddie in the audience.

Shift-F1( Olivia Newton-John) Amber says her favourite year of the decade was 89, when she was on the Tommy Hunter show – cue a repeat of footage of her in frizzy hair and a cowgirl outfit. That had to be fodder for 6 months of schoolyard taunts. She used to listen to Belinda Carlisle, Madonna, Corey Hart and Roxette – not very adventurous, but then when I was twelve I liked Lighthouse, so who am I to criticise? Shut up, me.

Amber’s singing Just Like Jesse James, an old Cher tune, which immediately gets me pondering about what would happen if she wore one of Cher’s outfits to sing it in. I suspect a big run on bleach. I know I keep a bottle handy for recapping when horrible stray thoughts like that cross my mind. But nothing so interesting/horrific as that: she’s once more got the blazer over jeans look, which suits her box on stilts shape well, and she’s nicked a scarf from Theresa’s old Cruisin’ wardrobe.

I’ve never really appreciated Cher as a singer but at least she’s got a distinctive sound and is entertaining as hell in her Vegas trailer-trash sort of way. Amber sings this well enough but her bland semi-countrified croon makes my ass tired. The backing track is particularly lame in this case, a collection of synthesized instruments that blends into non-descript muck, just adding to the overall level of boredom. CTV could make a few extra shekels by licensing this turkey out to Muzak.

Jake says it was technically fine but she should step out of her box. Of course, had she sung Roxette it would have been all “back in your box”. This is one of those criticisms that the judges can spin whichever way they like and it pisses me off. Does anyone doubt for an instant that if Amber cuts a record it will be an album full of ballads? Does Jann Arden ever cover the Clash?

Farley says essentially the same thing, and says that they know she’s a fun person. Who knows, maybe she gets drunk at the office Christmas party every year and dances on the tables. But she strikes me more as the quiet good friend that provides a shoulder for all the other office girls to cry on when that drunken copy-room tryst doesn’t work out quite so well as planned.

Sass liked it but Zack quite correctly points out that the meh song choice was too busy to find an opportunity for glory noting.

Ben opines that he’s no expert, and he’s right. Shut up, Ben. Shift-F1(Whitney) and Ben makes with the digits.

Shift-F1(Back To the Future) Rex wishes he could do a medley, as he and his friends sing 80s songs at parties. Ah yes, I can just see Rex and the byes stomping their feet to some old Smiths songs, perhaps Bauhaus, or maybe Depeche Mode? Maybe not. Anyway, Rex has picked Every Breath You Take because he “really enjoys listening to the Police”. And because Bruce refuses to license his catalogue to 19E.

Speaking of Broooooooooce, Rex is in full Boss-wear, complete with bandanna and sleeveless T. Picture Joey Tribbiani headed for the 80s costume party. Oh well, he’s got the bare arms for all the girls, and the Newfoundland T for the home town vote, both of which he’ll badly need tonight. He’s chosen neither Sting’s intended meaning (creepy stalker) nor the more common misinterpretation (tender love song) but taken more of the drunken ex-boyfriend calling at 3 in the morning swing at it. “I’ll be watching you”, he bellows off-key, “and you’d better not be sleeping with that bastard Mulroney, either”. The song choice is a horrid misstep which only serves to emphasize his weaknesses. It’s unlistenable from start to finish. There’s one long bawling note near the end that’s an awesome simultaneous display of his inability to control his breath, maintain pitch or understand the material. Total shipwreck.

Jake spends his entire time complimenting the look, and adroitly sidesteps commenting on the performance. Sass has this look on her face like she’s ready to rip him to shreds, but then sticks to script and calls him “sexy Rexy”. For about the 43rd fucking time. Shut up, Sass. Zack says he seems like the boy next door who delivers papers. Well, there certainly is a bit of that – the ol’ Bruce bandanna is sitting on a considerably more naďve head than it normally does. Jake shows the flipside of the “get out of your box”/”get back in your box” thing and says he tried to reach too high. Bah. At this point in the game Rex could have chosen I Love You, You Love Me (shift-F1(Barney)) and his fellow Newfies would have kept him safe. I may have to invest in a bottle of Screech and a salt cod to get through any further performances, though. On second thought, skip the cod. Once was enough, thanks to a bunch of Memorial U engineering students for “honouring” me with that particular disgusting ceremony. Shift-F1(Sting), shift-F1(A-team) and on to the next round…

In the audience, Billy Klippert (still wearing the five-head covering sunglasses) and Vince. Billy, Billy … has Ryan forsaken you? Or did you just feel like Italian tonight?

Casey was thrown by the 80s theme because the women sang really high. That would be news to Chrissy, Tina, Annie and Joan (both Jett and Armatrading). She says she needs to open up more on stage, and that she knows how to have fun. The editors disagree, closing with Byrd calling it “tentative”.

Casey’s here to sing Like A Prayer, so in a daring nod to Madonna’s sexuality she’s letting her bra straps show and she’s rocking the blonde extensions. The rest of the outfit would pass muster at Amber’s office Christmas party – red blouse over black slacks. The first couple of bars start out well enough, but then she waggles her hips like a kid lip-syncing at the school talent show and I can’t stop giggling. The whole performance is… well, it’s ridiculous, is what it is. Steve Allen used to read rock lyrics in a monotone for laughs (She. Loves. Me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.). Her performance is like that a little bit, except with singing. Devoid of any of the passion, sly winking sexuality or just plain visual pizzazz that Madonna brings to it, the song just sort of sits there, waiting to be mocked. When she attempts to strut across the stage sunnily, soullessly bleating the lyrics while she struggles to move and sing simultaneously, she achieves a sort of Zen level of badness that inspires another round of helpless giggling. It’s like she was transported from a shopping mall talent show to the national stage. Next up: the baby crawling contest. If Madonna ever sees this, she’s gonna kill herself just so she’ll have a grave to roll over in.

Sass pats her on the head and says “great song choice”. Zack comments that Madonna has had an amazing career while being a marginal singer, but that Casey sounds like a cheesy theme song no matter what she sings. Jake points out that her voice fell off when she started moving, and says she needs to sell the song to win. Farley asks her to “feel it” a little more.

Daryl says that after the “smack in the face” of landing in the bottom 2, he plans on trying something faster that the judges aren’t expecting. He’s excited to sing 20 year old music because it’s new and exciting. Hokay. Daryl speaks really, really fast and I get the impression that he’s a pretty bright, sensitive kid. Who’s about to come out on national television.

Yes, it’s Tainted Love, the Soft Cell anthem of unrequited gay love. Dude could have picked a more obvious song, but he’d have to work at it (Small Town Boy? Relax? The theme from Miami Vice?). I refuse to believe a kid this smart who’s obviously about as straight as Nathan Lane would not know exactly what he’s doing with this particular song.

He looks pretty darn snappy for his coming-out party, in grey and black camo blazer over black pants and T. The performance is part wink, wink, get it? and part Disney-fied glory noting but mostly it’s fabulous. He’s still not completely comfortable on stage but he’s at least lost the deer in the headlights look and is able to let some of his sense of humour show through. I mean, jazz hands? On that song? That’s the kind of visual joke you’d expect from a performing arts school student, or at least I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Performance of the night, by a mile.

And the judges can’t wait to let fly with the innuendo. “Holy Bronski Beat”, Zack exclaims, which is pretty much what I thought so get out of my head, Werner. Jimmy Summerville was probably the only male on the planet who could have made Daryl look even slightly butch. Zack labels it “odd” but figures he’ll be around another week to do something bizarre. I sincerely hope so. Daryl has actually started to make this slightly interesting. Jake wonders how much tainted love he could have had at 16. Daryl raises his eyebrows and leaves us guessing. Hee. He says that was his best performance yet because he “came out and showed that [he] wants to win”. Get it? Nudge, nudge. When he auditioned, Farley wasn’t feeling him at all. But now… (Dwarf grabs the bottle of bleach). Farley quotes the “gave it all a boy could give” line and now Sass and Zack can’t control themselves anymore and collapse into giggles. Sass compares him to Jerry Lewis for some bizarre reason but labels him amazing.

When Suzi was younger she enjoyed the whole Madonna thing (cue old photos of a 6 year old material girl) but when she got older she liked Guns n Roses and the baggy clothes. Being an 80s kid, she’s excited to do 80s music.

As my astute colleague observes, this weeks extended hair with extra pink looks like a kids’ fashion doll do. The outfit is a black dress with asymmetrical, fringed hem and flower embroidery over fishnet shirt and leggings, plus knee-high clunky/combat-y boots. If Stevie Nicks and Steve Stevens had to design an outfit together, it might look something like that. She’s singing Heartbreaker and she’s a couple of cups short on talent for Ms. Benatar. I think she’d have done better if 19E had cleared some GnR for her. The seams are starting to show, and she’s reminding me a bit of Kalan’s rock performances this week. When you first hear one, you’re all “that’s really good” and then the second one is all “that’s pretty good, too” but by the third you’re thinking “isn’t that the same song as last week?” Insert collection of rock vocal tricks and stage moves, set blender to “grind” and spit out another “hey, I’m a sexy rock chica” performance. I was pretty bored with this one.

Jake shift-F1(Romantics) – he likes that she wants to win this thing. I thought it was pretty much established that winning this thing isn’t necessary (cf Aiken, Clay et al). Suzi is pretty much the wrong person to win, I just can’t picture her doing anything with “Asleep With My Wings on the Mountain of Your Heart’s Desire”, or whatever the POS Idol song will be this year. Farley says she’s raw, she’s real, she knows who she is so once more with winning this thing – not so good, Suzi-wise. Sass appears to have hit her quota of useful commentary, she lumps Suzi into the amazing category along with Daryl. I don’t think Daryl’s entirely comfortable being in the same anything with Suzi. Do you wonder if she flirts with him in the mansion just to see whether his head will explode? Zack says she looked a little uptight, but that she could release that song right now and sell a lot of records. Only to Idol fanatics, my friend, and then only the young ones who don’t recall Benatar’s range and power. Shift-F1(Bill & Ted) and Ben throws it to commercial.

Aaron fondly reminisces about the bad hair of his past. One suspects that the Walpole family album is a litany of Aaron’s bad haircuts and toothy/not so toothy grins. Aaron loved the “rock of the 80s” by which he meant all the radio-friendly MOR pap that bands like Loverboy and Journey puked out. He’s picked Working for the Weekend which he describes as “a good ’un”. Cause all the cool rawkers talk like that.

Back to the bad hair of the present – a fauxhawk. I suppose it’s entirely appropriate – a fake hairstyle for a fake rocker. “Poseur” is the first word that springs to mind. I expect that Aaron could make a few bucks singing this sort of thing at weddings. He just has to come up with similarly derivative, insincere versions of Old Fashioned Rock & Roll and I Knew The Bride and he’s in there. The only thing that saves this song is that he’s, as usual, technically fine. That and the fact that Loverboy wasn’t really so much the hard core rock ‘n’ roll anyways. Aaron could certainly have picked songs that he would have been much more obviously out of his depth in. Picture fauxhawked cube-boy over there trying to cover Nine Inch Nails, for example.

Farley says people like his exuberance. Well, my dog is exuberant and eager to please, too, and I think he understands rock music about as well as Aaron does. Sass says that he’s pretty “light on his loafers” for a big guy. Perhaps she’s on a two contestant time delay due to recreational substance influences? I will give you that Aaron is a graceful big man. Zack has no comment other than to display his latest T-shirt (he’d been changing shirts every commercial break), which is a fake full-body tattoo deal. Aaron sucks up that he likes the shirt. Jake is pissed about the whole shirt thing, and labels Aaron’s performance as “great”. I’d use a more appropriate adjective like “adequate”, personally.

Jon comes out after the commercials to do a lame aerobics gag, dressed in red unitard and blue shorts. Little John (or a facsimile thereof) is also evident. Altogether now: eeewww. He browbeats Zack into a hamstring curl or two. The whole schtick is mercilessly unfunny, except for Ben’s perfectly timed little apology. Shut up, Jon.

Josh says he was born the same year “Synchronicity” came out and Stevie Ray Vaughn debuted. He’s chosen In the Air Tonight, claiming it’s one of Phil Collins’ best songs. I didn’t think Collins had any best songs, to me they all kind of blur together in one mess of radio-friendly pop schmaltz. Never liked his work with Genesis, either. Palmer has a tough row to hoe with me tonight is what I’m saying.

Josh is dressed in black pants, black short sleeve shirt and vest with white tie. It’s a very 80s video-looking thing – if the tie had been a little skinnier it would been even more period correct. I guess he’s going for a little sexier image as it’s quite closely fitted, but he’s always going to get that goal scuttled by the comb-over and the bad teeth. I’d describe the performance as about as good as he’s likely to do with a song like that. My favourite part was the anguished descending wail on the last note, which is probably exactly the bit that his non-fans hated the most. The rest was, well, In The Air Tonight, a song I’ve been heartily sick of for over 20 years.

Sass says she’s impressed by his ability to pick songs that suit his quirky style. True enough, but I think his top 32 experience has scared him into making song choices which are good but pretty safe. With his “quirky style” I’d like to see him cover something a little more obscure. Pixies comes to mind, just for instance, so long as we’re doing 80s night. You just know he’d love to, but once burned, twice shy.

Zack apologises for calling him “icky” last week, and he and Josh banter back and forth about the shirt. I like that Josh is not intimidated in the slightest by the judges. Zack goes on to quite correctly praises the lack of pretension in what is a very pretentious song. Jake praises his ability to “deliver the pain” which could be taken one of two ways, but I’m pretty sure he intended it positively. Farley says he’s ready for a record deal and serious about his career. I’d say so, yep. I get the sense that, while he’d like to stay in the show for a while, he’s gone further than expected and any more publicity is just going to be gravy. Like Suzi, a win for this guy would be a mistake. Josh would just like a few more weeks of screen time to increase his chances of a record deal.

Ben labels the performance “haunting” while Josh does his usual smirking and praying hands deal. I’m conflicted with this kid. On the one hand, I enjoy his performances. On the other, I’d like to smack him. There’s a good reason he’s not getting nearly the hype in Saskatoon that Theresa did.

Melissa for me is the exact opposite of Josh – I like her immensely, I think she’s a great kid with a huge heart and lots of talent. But taste and originality: not so much. Unlike Josh, Melissa could use the win, she’s young and doesn’t yet quite know what to do with her talent. Her song choice vignette crystallizes this for me – she fairly pops off the screen with energy and charm, but then talks about how much she likes Phil Collins and Madonna. Urg. Her song choice is Holding Out for a Hero. Blech. Ack! Hairball! (shift-F1(Bloom County), y’all).

Melissa looks good tonight, in burgundy blouse and black skirt, hair crimped and curled into a semi-dread-looking style. The outfit is still a little old-looking for her. As always when she appears, Mrs. Dwarf comments on what a beautiful girl she is. The Bonnie Tyler piece of disco drek she has chosen to sing has only one thing going for it – it’s fairly difficult to sing, given the number of other contestants that have fallen flat on their faces attempting it. The toughest part is keeping the energy level up, even for a 90 second snippet it’s a fair bit of work. She just throws her big pipes and 16-year old energy at it and knocks it out of the park. I hope she wins the whole enchilada, so that we hopefully get to see what this kid can do 10 years from now when she wraps her head around her talent.

Zack says that aside from Josh, she’s the only one that shows the spark of originality and star power that could win this thing. She’s not above a little ass-kissing, and tosses a few sultry compliments towards Zack’s hat. Jake says her performance should prove to everyone that she should never be in the bottom three. Farley praises her natural personality and knack for inserting herself into the song. Like me, Sass can’t stand the song but said she totally won her over.

See you next week, where I am looking forward to seeing what certain talent-challenged contestants are going to do with some old standards. Shoebox will be in the drivers seat for that one, but I’ll chime in with the quick take.