It’s yet another Tuesday night in the slow train to mediocrity that is Canadian Idol 3. If you thought they saved the best for last, if you thought that group 4 held all the promise, if you thought the season could be saved… hope you held onto your tapes from last year.
According to Idol Host Ben (now with opposable thumbs), “they light up the stage; you light up the phones”. Well, not me. Despite being obsessed enough about this show to write about it in detail, I have not yet been inspired to pick up a phone. Nothing changes this week.
Idol Host Ben (now with chamois for that extra sheen) bounds onto the stage in jeans and sport-coat. He claims we’ve catapulted six stars “in the mating”, which causes me a little concern until I realize that he’s stumbling over his patter because the show is live. Due to Ben and Farley’s Live 8 coverage, they weren’t able to do the customary weekend shoot.
Ben and Jake banter a bit about the upcoming results show, where the viewers will be voting for who gets to be on the wildcard show. They are of course all excited and self-congratulatory over what is essentially an inane, bone-headed idea. On the other hand, given the track record the judges have shown in picking top 32 competitors, maybe it is time to let somebody else take a crack.
Shoebox: What really bugged me was the way TPTB were trying to sell it as "yet another worldwide Idol first!" Uh, guys? The thing with the instruments was a genuine meaningful breakthrough towards coolness. This...is an even more pointless version of one of the cruelest ideas AI ever had. And as we discovered out-cruelly-pointlessing a show containing Ryan Seacrest and Paula Abdul does not exactly qualify as world-class television.
For starters, Jake really needs to knock off with the bantering. It's starting to feel like one of those lame sitcom eps where the mad-scientist switched his and Ben's brains. And then misplaced his.
Joe Dwarf: Jake banters about as well as he dances, I suspect. Ben asks Farley if being in the last group is an advantage, preparation wise. Farley replies that there’s natural talent, and then all that being here in the moment and emoting stuff and… in short, “no”. Or “damn, didn’t I see enough of your lame white bread ass all weekend, now you be asking me dumb questions?”
Ben asks Sass if Canada is looking for someone different, based on the voting. Sass thinks they’re looking for someone to fall in love with. I think Canada is having a hard time finding someone to fall in love with. Frankly, Canada is starting to feel like it’s gone to that singles bar where all the action was supposed to be, and found instead that all the hotties have gone to the new bar in the next town over. Canada is putting on its beer goggles as compensation and hoping that it can wake up early and sneak out the door the next morning.
Shoebox: The other problem is that as we all know CI is only allowed one truly rockin' semifinal group per season, and it already happened last week.
Joe Dwarf: Truly rockin'? Three out of eight doth not the true rockin' make, in my book. In fact, there hasn't been a group yet where the top 3 were in doubt heading into Wednesday, and that says a lot about the lack of depth in the field so far.
Finally Ben asks Zack about his two fingered salute. Turns out it is what it is. One piano player introduction later, we can no longer delay the pain.
Luke said that making the top 100 last year was a “once in a lifetime opportunity” but that he is grateful to have that opportunity again. I’ll bet that he would also categorize the experience as “extremely unique” or possibly “very singular”. Genevieve interviews that while she enjoys sports, she prefers singing and that it can get very physical. Thank dog this is not an Olivia Newton-John reference. There’s only so much one Dwarf can take.
Up in the cannon fodder position is Genevieve Nadeau, who is 24 and works as an accountant in Montreal. She interviews that for work she has to be conservative but on stage she wants to be sexy. She shows some personality in the interview and comes across quite naturally. Given that she also mountain bikes and snowboards, I was thinking she might be a pretty cool chica. Too bad she sings like an accountant. Well, maybe not that bad but really, how often do you get handed a joke on a platter?
Shoebox: She lives to rock out with her band at night, she says. I was likewise mildly intrigued until she starts singing...and yup, whaddaya know, she's a totally competent local-bar-bander.
Joe Dwarf: Genevieve is wearing an ill-fitting pink dress and singing Some Kind of Wonderful. I really don’t know how someone with such a great, sexy speaking voice can end up with such a thin, uninspiring singing voice. It’s muted and has some kind of nasally tone in places too. Although she struts, tries to emote and occasionally sings loudly, it’s all pretty unconvincing. Like so many of the contestants so far, it’s technically fine but there’s no there, there. She showed more soul and emotion in her interview.
Shoebox: Mm. As I say, I have no trouble imagining her attracting her fair share of whistles and stomps at the local wings joint. Unfortunately, the Idol audience probably hadn't had enough beer and wasn't busy flipping peanuts into the ashtrays. Next.
Joe Dwarf: The judges are universally unimpressed, although she hasn’t given them much to hang their hats on critically. They just know, like I do, that she won’t be going any further. Farley comments on the “honky” tone, by which he means nasal. Sass says the song is bluesier than she is, so I guess she agrees with Farley before the clarification. Zack bluntly states that we’ll once more be short contestants from La Belle Province.
Shoebox: Was it just me or - pause while I check out the window for airborne pork - did Our Host actually score one over Zack re: Quebec tonight? I mean, it was probably just one of those freakish things where all the planets aligned in Benedict's favour, but still.
Joe Dwarf: Luke O’Reilly is 17 years old and from Caledonia, ON. He made it to the top 48 last year with short hair, but now that he’s grown it out some he’s made the top 32. Seriously, that’s the only reason I can think of that this kid is anywhere near spitting distance of the top 32 – the curls make him look a little bit like Kalan, if you squint, turn your head to the side and ignore the bland noises emanating from the general area of the skinny white kid. He wants to win because he wants to make records. Yes, he's just that boring.
Shoebox: First impression from this Kalan fan: Whoaboy, paying attention much? I couldn't help patiently waiting for the classical instrument to show up, maybe the flute since violin is just so derned demanding. Second impression: OK, so maybe it's not totally his fault. Still, major tactical error, there, kiddo.
Joe Dwarf: He’s singing Bless the Broken Road in a terra cotta T-shirt over white striped dress shirt and jeans. Think picture day at the local high school and you’ve pretty much got the outfit, except for the gallon of lip gloss that would have earned him a swirly where I went to school. He’s affecting a southern twang which isn’t working, especially when the clearly enunciated Ts let us all know about the music theatre/choir/stage training he must have under his belt. He bites his lip and attempts a sort of junior grade eye-boink but the camera isn’t reacting – it had the real stuff all last year and isn’t settling for any pale imitations. It’s all very earnest and boring, boring, boring.
Shoebox: Yeah, not only did we already have the real deal last season, we had another one just last week. Given that Luke strikes me as the type who just naturally pulls out a lighter at concerts, he's probably kicking himself for not bringing one along.
On the plus side, while he's waiting to grow into his voice enough to do something unforcedly interesting with it - in, say, maybe five/six years from now - 19Evil could maybe polish him up and use him as a decoy while trying to get Kalan through the screaming fangirlie hordes...
Joe Dwarf: Farley found it a little studied in places but liked the end. Sass compliments him on the boinking attempt and labels it professional (the performance, not the boinking – we’ll wait for that report from Sass later). Zack labels him “Kalan Porter Lite” but figures he’ll appeal to the target demographic. Jake also found it studied and got no emotion from it. Ben points out that the Carrie-bot sang Rascall Flatts on AI and won it all. Like that’s a good thing.
Commercials – good lord, someone let Greeley loose in a studio and let him make a record. The mind boggles. But loathe him or despise him, he sure made good snark fodder. This season’s parade of forgettable demographic panderers is uninspiring in so many ways, not the least of which is comedically.
Idol Host Ben (now with spare smarm) welcomes us back to the musical inferno that is Canadian Idol. More like a musical hot water bottle. He asks Keely about her musical influences, and we get a nice shot of her Aunt Robyn, who is about to be exposed as a bad influence. Aaron says that the wait has been killing him. He hasn’t performed with his band since “May Two-Four”. Now I’m not saying a guy Aaron’s size got that way by drinking a lot of beer, but you gotta think maybe it’s on his mind a leetle too much.
Keely Hutton is 24 and from St. John’s. Zack didn’t like her originally but she changed their minds by singing Colours of the Wind. That about summarises the whole competition right there, don’t it? After considering over 1000 songs (honest, omigod, it was at least 1000) she decided to flog Don’t Cry Out Loud. Because there’s nothing smarter than to set yourself up for direct comparison with another contestant with a better voice.
Shoebox: The weird part of it is, I honestly don't think that really entered into it for Keely - this was actually the one song out of the thousand that truly spoke to her. At which point she became utterly fascinating to me, in a morbid sort of way; Idol trainwrecks don't usually get telegraphed in Technicolour.
Joe Dwarf: Keely’s wearing jeans and a black top that’s like a camisole only with extra material in the front, like maybe she forgot to remove her napkin after lunch. For some reason I’m reminded of Joan Cusack mopping her face with the floppy front of her novelty shirt in 16 Candles. The performance starts out kinda-sorta OK, or at least I thought so. Mrs. Dwarf’s immediate reaction was, shall we say, more critical.
Mrs. Dwarf: “Fast forward, please”.
Joe: “Can’t, we’re watching this live.”
Mrs. Dwarf: “Oh, whose bright idea was that?”
Joe: “Look, we've covered my duty to the over-invested fans already. My people await.”
Mrs. Dwarf: “Thbbbbpptt!”
Joe Dwarf: Ahem. Anyways, she has some sort of honking tone that pokes its head around the corner while she sings quietly in the first verse, then nonchalantly wanders in the background as she works her way through the chorus, just waiting for the key change to do some real damage to our ear drums. Up until that change, she’s just another idol contestant that should have been bounced on the producer’s auditions. Her voice breaks on the change and when she launches into the second chorus that tone jumps out from backstage and mugs her. There were a couple of notes there that were as bad as anything we’ve heard short of the joke contestants. There are no cheers or hoots for the big moments, just a dead silence in the studio until the applause signs go on.
Shoebox: A veritable kaleidoscope of awful from the get-go, of course. But you gotta admit, as a psychological study she's definitely kind of neat. It's like all her musical/performance instincts run in perfect reverse to her actual talent.
Joe Dwarf: Sass calls it “Don’t Sing Out Loud”. We knew ye had it in ye, lassie. Feel the snark. Zack labels it the most unlistenable performance ever in the top 32. Now that’s a stretch. There were a few clunkers amid general boredom but there have been top 10 performances more painful than that. Jake offers constructive criticism for once, claiming that she oversang it. I think there’s some truth to that. Farley is perhaps the most cruel, asking Zack if he should nurture. Nothing like a little blatant condescension to make her feel better. He goes on to say that the song and the tone did not gel, which is quite the understatement. I’m just having trouble imagining which song her tone would gel with.
Shoebox: Are they still making Betty Boop cartoons?
Joe Dwarf: Hee. That might require a silicone investment on her part.
Aaron Walpole is 26 and from St. Thomas, ON. He says he picked Try because Canadian music is important to him. Two points for Aaron. He figures he’ll stand out, physically. D’ya think? To his credit, he looks more like a noseguard that kept on eating three steaks a day after his football career was over than a Cheetoz addict. Previous footage has showed him hoisting other contestants around and showing a lot of energy so hopefully we won’t be holding our breath waiting for the heart attack like with Ruben.
Shoebox: Hilariously, though, Aaron does come equipped with the exact same "please don't take my baby" stage move - singular - that the original big guy made famous. Group sings may pose a problem, here.
Joe Dwarf: Not to worry - surely the top 10 stage is a little roomier? They've already reinforced the couch.
Going into this show, I thought he was a lock because he’d impressed me every time he was shown in the early going. After the performance, I’m not so sure. The presentation is kind of dull, just standing there in his jeans and dress shirt over T combo. The vocal is strong and bang-on to my ear, but there aren’t any jaw-dropping power notes and frankly I was expecting them from this man. As the judges go on to note, clearly this guy is trained and he lets that training show a little too much for this style of song. On the positive side, he’s a very likeable guy, he performed cleanly and did the song justice. On the negative side, with his age and look the singing has got to be head and shoulders above the rest. I just don’t see the same sort of advantage vocally that Amber clearly has. I was pretty sure he’d be top three but not so sure he’d get through.
Shoebox: OK, so clearly Aaron isn't as overgifted with imagination as he is in, um, some other areas...including his estimation of just how special he is. I'm telling you right now, the next candidate to vid-bio all about how they just hope Canada "gets" their particular brand of unique specialness is getting frog-marched over to Jacob for a good poking.
Which is not to say the guy isn't likeable enough, or that his rich, admirably flexible and occasionally seriously cool vocals wouldn't be an asset in a Top 10 filled with smoothly bland competence. But in the long run, no, there's really not a lot happening here with Aaron that hasn't happened umpteen times before on CI, with better costuming to boot.
Joe Dwarf: Zack says that if he drops the theatrical tones he’ll be a serious contender. Jake says Jim Cuddy would have been proud. Farley liked the falsetto. Sass doesn’t like the vibrato but admires the guts. Lord knows he’s got a lot. OK, I’m done now. Honest, no more fat jokes. No visits from the sensitivity police, please.
Suzi interviews that her band-mates helped her pick the song. Danian feels her previous talent-show experience helps her with the pressure.
Danian Vickers is 23 and from Toronto. She says that Get Here was chosen to showcase her emotions. One hopes that she can show some emotion in song because this entire segment is expressionless. Nothing comes through either in her voice or face, we could have gotten the same information by reading her bio and looking at her glossies.
Shoebox: Yeah, brrrr. The instant she stops singing it's like a big CLOSED sign goes up behind her eyes. She couldn't even smile at Zack's unexpected praise; if she gets through I will be forced to spend the entire season wondering where they put the "off" switch. Overall not exactly voting-conducive.
Joe Dwarf: She hits the stage in an empire-waisted red dress and straightened hair, looking about as good as she is ever gonna. If you always thought Diana Ross could stand to lose a few pounds, Danian has the look for you. Compared to her interview, Danian does break out in song. Unfortunately her idea of emoting is to scrunch up her lip, raise one eyebrow and sing really loud. She’s Canadian alright – she’s got the fliptop head. When she lets go the big notes she exposes possibly the biggest set of teeth I’ve seen on TV short of Mr. Ed. As for the song – it’s competently sung but there’s nothing there to distinguish this from any of the other R&B singers we’ve seen on CI, other than her being about the only one this season. Canadian Idol is starting to look mighty white.
Shoebox: Generally great vocal. She knows how to work the notes instead of merely power them, which is indicative of at least abasic grounding in R&B soul, and heaven knows we could use some, this season. But...in the MetroNews article she also announced I Will Survive as her dream Top 10 performance, which is just way, way too high a price to pay.
Joe Dwarf: Jake said that was one of the best performances they’ve seen from her. If that’s all she’s capable of, why is she there? Farley backs up Jake and congratulates her on stepping up and emoting. Sass calls her a sweetheart of a person but as a performer, there’s a wall. Zack said a number of people feel the way Sass does, but he thought it was great.
Suzi Rawn is 22 and from Kamloops. She says that she was nervous because unlike playing with her band where she has a whole evening to win her audience over, on Canadian Idol she has one minute. She remarks on the lack of rock singers. She has a fairly plain face, but it’s very expressive. Whatever she’s feeling is on her face, and one gets the impression that this girl is all about the emotion. She probably didn’t do real well in math class. In fact, she probably cut math class to go have a smoke of one sort or another. She could have been one of the characters on “Freaks and Geeks”.
Suzi is dressed relatively conservatively in baggy jeans and a backless top. The belts, chains and other power accessories are kept to a minimum. Her hair looks dreadful, as always, an unfortunate combination of dyes that screams “I shoplifted this look from Walmart”. Whether it’s had a wash in the last week is questionable. One wonders just what she’ll do when the marketing people shove the L’Oreal people down her throat.
Shoebox: I buy into the RockerChick no problem, hair included - I've been easily intimidated like that since high school.
Joe Dwarf: I've got no problem seeing her as the type who would intimidate many high school girls with less confidence than her. That would be a goodly percentage of high school girls, I surmise. But I do suspect she was the sort who would be cool and friendly if ever you screwed up your courage and talked to her. Or maybe she was the one adminstering the swirlies. Either way is believable.
Shoebox: But girl's got this sort of Edward-Gorey-illustration thing happening around the face that's just...distracting. Especially since I keep getting an even more unsettling mental image of it crumpled in horror as she tries to deal with, say, Lionel Night II.
Joe Dwarf: She’s singing Fortunate Son, my favourite John Fogarty song. Suzi is a genuine rock singer, actually she’s almost a blues shouter. She’s barely 5’ tall but on stage she seems a lot taller - "King-Size Suzi", indeed. The performance is completely comfortable and loose, or at least if she’s nervous it shows not a bit on stage. Suzi has more charisma in just one tattooed bicep than Daryl, Emily and Ashley put together. Her enunciation is shall we say less than clear but it wouldn’t sound right with every syllable crisp like Aaron’s directors demand. John Fogarty himself isn’t too clear – how many requests have been made for There’s A Bathroom on the Right, anyways? Diction aside, Suzi’s got plenty of power and range and she spits it out like she’s just as pissed about Vietnam as Fogarty was. It’s great, she’s great and she’ll at least make things interesting before she bows out somewhere around the top 4. I was in fact shocked to see her place second Wednesday night.
Shoebox: I wasn't. I too lurve me some CCR, and she did a great job with it...but maybe just a trifle too self-aware. The band had to help her pick the song?
At any rate a lot of people on various forums seem to have had the same reaction - difficulty making that final raw connexion vital to a rock performance. Plus I have ongoing reservations personally about the total awesomeriffic specialness of her vocals.
Then again, once the pressure was off, she totally owned that singout stage, was clearly in her element. It'll be a lot of fun while she lasts.
Joe Dwarf: Farley calls her “the bomb” and Sass labels her a “rock star”. Zack praises her ability to stand in the middle of all the cheese and rock out, and Jake says something similar as he remarks on how difficult it is to present a song like that in those circumstances. Given how many performers have fallen flat on their asses trying to sing rock with piano accompaniment, I’d have to agree.
Matt Kennedy is 21 and from Coquitlam. In the couch interview, we learn that he is in the army and says that he plays drums and sings with the regiment band, so they are very supportive of him. During the bio, we learn that he forgot the verse in his top 100 audition but took it from the bridge like a trooper. He’ll be singing I’ll Be, at which a collective moan was heard throughout the Dwarf household. Matt claims he picked the song because he can connect to it and give himself to the audience.
Matt starts acapella from behind the piano. Out from behind the piano, we see he’s wearing the standard uniform of dress shirt over T and jeans. He wanders off the stage and sings for a few moments to his wife. At this point, Mrs. Dwarf can’t watch anymore – she hides under her blanket. After a few moments, a small voice says “is it over yet?” I say at least he’s not singing to the wife anymore. Mrs. Dwarf scrunches down further under her blanket.
Shoebox: My instinct was the same, except I had no blanket to scrunch under and so was forced to watch in fascinated horror as the man actively tried to recreate all the most shallow aspects of an N*Sync performance with military precision. Are there actual boyband genes? And if so, why are we wasting all this time trying to cure cancer?
Joe Dwarf: Matt is pretty and his hair is spikey. His makeup and exfoliation technique give Ben a run for his money. He’s another idol-bot from the same BC factory that cranked out Shane last year, only with less talent and emotion. Perhaps he just needs his chip upgraded. He shows off the loud notes, the key change, the warble, etc, etc. The whole piece feels like he’s running down the list of “stuff we do to impress our audience”. As he turns away from his wife, one imagines the Terminator-style view of his operating parameters and a tick in the checkbox beside “demonstrate human emotion”.
Shoebox: Hee. So little soul, yet so much too much information. Even before he wandered over to recreate his wedding, which you can just tell featured many, many candid shots of the happy couple smashing cake into each others'faces. Come back, Shane-bot, all is forgiven.
Joe Dwarf: Sass was unimpressed and makes a lot of “I wish I hadn’t used up my quota of bad judge comments so I could be snarkier about this” faces. Zack found it completely contrived and soulless and says that although he sings well, it “bores the heck” out of him. Yup. Jake and Zack agree that he has shot at the top 10 because, well, he’s pretty and he sings well. Farley labels him “middle Idol guy”.
Melissa O’Neil is 16, from Calgary and I don’t remember her at all. Checking my notes, I see that she did Concrete Angel in the early rounds as well, and forgot her lyrics in another round. In the couch interview, we learn that Melissa is a rugby player and will tackle this performance head-on. I’m immediately interested in her. What can I say, I like women who like to play hard. In the bio, she says she picked Concrete Angel because it tells a story and lets her emote. She’s also happy to have her parents there – she lets them stress and can relax. Must be nice to be able to just transfer stress like that. “Hi Dad, here’s the big ‘ol shit sandwich I got handed at work today – eat that for me, would you?”
Shoebox: Whoa, she makes it into the Top 10 she's gonna be giving Darryl some serious new neuroses, inasmuch as she's the same age he is, except all poised and confident and individualistic and could toss him across the room with one hand tied and stuff.
Joe Dwarf: I don’t know whose bright idea it was to dress a 16 year old in culottes and half a sweater set, but please, just don’t do that again. Despite the unfortunate oufit, Melissa is very pretty yet not a princess – blame the rugby for putting the extra muscle on her. One gets the impression that she’d break Danian like a twig if she so much as bumped into her in the dressing room. I like her right away. Girl’s another one with a bunch of theatre training, but she also has fabulous tone and follows through on her promise to emote. She hits every note, doesn’t oversing and yet shows her power and range – it’s a great performance.
Shoebox: ...and she has the same the same voice Darryl does, too, except all subtle and mature and interestingly textured and stuff - come to think of it, Emily and Ashley might also be laying plans to spike her lipgloss before too long.
Thought the singout next night was sloppier - some princessy melisma and glorynoting around the edges - but that tone. Mmmmm. Song choice is a trifle suspect, but Zack in coaching mode is always a great sign.
Zack says she’s one of his very favourite people, which we can tell for sure because he offers her some constructive criticism. He wants her to be a little funkier. It’s hard to be funky in culottes, Zack. Culottes pretty much scream, “We Got No Funk”. Jake labels it a “top 10 performance”. Farley gives Zack props for all the Michelle-pimping he’s been doing and says it was a bunch of reallys well done. Sass thought it was absolutely terrific.
Shoebox: So away we go with the Shocking New Wildcard Twist, aka Let's Show Canda Just How Short a Leash We Really Have These Poor Deluded Kids On.
Joe Dwarf: Gawd. It turned out even more puerile and degrading than I expected. I knew they'd be pleading for their lives but I didn't expect the judges to be dragged into the general assiness. But before we go on trashing this segment, let me just take a moment to say yay! Suzi and Melissa. In my view, the right pair got in.
Shoebox: Judges...y'know, as it turns out you can get too much of a good thing, and the poster child is Isaac Werner. (Even allowing for the usual grounds of not-very-carefully-concealed disgust.) Farely and Sass more or less seem to be making the best of it, but Jake with the little cue cards? Also the 'fireworks' crack? I was actively rooting for Ben to go over there and sneeze all over his glasses.
Contestants...well, they're begging for their supper on national television while the judges use them as props for their own private episode of Crossfire. Nobody in those circs is going to exude charisma.
(if you're in the mood for some truly surreal black comedy, imagine last year's Top 10 being forced to pass this test. We'd've probably ended up with a)Jason Greeley, Canadian Idol, b)Manoah Hartmann, runner-up, and c)Jacob Hoggard, stripping on national television.)
I had privately vowed to vote 'til my fingers bled for the first candidate to walk up there, rip off something like the opening verse of the Barenaked Ladies' Celebrity ("Don't call me a zero/I'm gonna be a hero/Like Phil Esposito, or the Kennedys"), then turn on their heel and stalk to the couch. Needless to say, that didn't happen...
Joe Dwarf: I was frankly shocked that something like that didn't happen. I was expecting at the very least that someone would throw out a 2-octave scale and end in a 15-second glory note.
Shoebox: Barrett: Meh, whatever. Still have a nagging affection for his voice - yes, I know, shoot me now - but seriously, Archie Andrews here's pretty much already shot his bolt, and the only reason it was memorable the first time was because of the dimples.
Joe Dwarf: I'm cheering for Barrett. He's our Jason, this year. I suspect the top 10 is going to be seriously short on snarkability, but with this boy the jokes will write themselves.
Shoebox: Julie: Huh? Looks mildly bewildered at her own selection, not a good sign.
Joe Dwarf: She has a lack of ego that is endearing, but I think it veers into a lack of confidence that isn't going to get her any votes. I really like her personally though.
Shoebox: Aaron: OK, maybe I've just been worn down that far after three seasons but I bought it, I was won over. And there are spots in his voice I would be truly intrigued to hear again.
Joe Dwarf: We'll get to hear him sing again, I'm quite sure of it. Not sure he'll squeak out a top two in that group, though.
Shoebox: Devika: Sweet in all ways...and yeah, a little 'cultural presence' would not exactly be unwelcome. Unfortunately as it turns out the Mariah-appreciation thing wasn't a fluke, and I have the wrong genes to appreciate the rest of her.
Joe Dwarf: The letter to Mom was a bit contrived for me. OK, it was a lot contrived, verging on bile-inducing. But I still think she's the Bomb(ay). Get it? I crack me up.
Shoebox: Luke: Oh for the love of Pete, Canada, what part of 'we have one already' don't you understand? And he was the real one. Cubic Zirconia here can't even tell us he's not studied without sounding like he's running for student council president.
Vince: You could be the second coming of Tony Bennett and you would still have to die a slow, lingering death just for giving me those bad Mikey Bustos flashbacks. And not just to the tracksuits. Just be glad you didn't bring roses, or I'd've had to pull out your fingernails first.
Joe Dwarf: Hee. Sorry, nothing to add to either of those, that summed it up nicely, thank you. Although the Mikey comparison does bring up the problem in hoping for a snarkable contestant. On the one hand, we get to make fun of them. On the other hand, we have to listen to them. And just because I wasn't recapping first season, I'll apply a retroactive "shut up, Mikey" to the whole experience.
Shoebox: Dianelys: Boy, lotta weirdly apologetic people up here tonight. I mean, I do realise "Damnit, voters!! Are you %$%%$" deaf or something?!!" wouldn't exactly be a fan-friendly strategy either, but c'mon. You're happy you made it this far, well, so were we, remember?
Joe Dwarf: I thought she came across pretty well here, actually. I think self-effacing and gracious was the right tone to take after getting bounced with the crotch-grinding and all.
Shoebox: Jenn...no, dear, you can't be all proudly unique and special one ep and then completely disavow it the next. I don't think voters are in the mood anyway, this season, but a little dignity would've made for a much more pleasant farewell memory.
Joe Dwarf: The hell? I mean, we knew she wasn't a jazz singer but I don't think she knew that. Maybe I need to shake a few cobwebs out of my head but I seem to recall a distinctly jazzy version of I Can See Clearly Now from the early rounds. She's got no prayer to make top 10, but I do hope she survives this PR stumble and gets to show us one more song. I'm curious now to see what it will be.
Shoebox: Josh: "Twenty seconds, twenty words." Oooo-kay. As soon as I decide whether I believe any of them, I'll get back to you.
Joe Dwarf: If he makes it to the top 10, Melissa and Suzi are going to beat him stupid. He just gets more brickable with each appearance.
Shoebox: Stephane: Promises to lose the cheeze, and without it, I am free to enjoy the full effect of the tall-dark-and-ooh-la-la. (Look, it's been a couple seasons now without eye candy chez Shoe and HatBoi just ain't cutting it, OK?) Plus, is pretty much the only candidate whose vocal turns out to be better than I remembered it.
Joe Dwarf: If he doesn't have any sort of artistic instinct now beyond losing the cheese as directed, I just have no interest. The only reason for him to stick around is for cannon fodder for thee and me. Which is not the worst of reasons, I'll admit.
Shoebox: Danian. Would've been well-advised to take Zack's advice, except for the part where she's almost too terrified out of her mind to squeek. Where does all that...when she's singing...go in-between-times, anyhow?
Joe Dwarf: I don't know, but she'd better keep singing to let it out. Her head might explode and lord knows we'd all be in danger from flying teeth.