Shoebox: Ah, Group One of the Top 32 ... that very special place where Canadian Idol excitement goes to die.

Joe Dwarf: Are you talking about the part where youthful energy and creativity is sucked into piano-tinkly ballads and spat out over the heads of indifferent judges? Because, yeah, there was some of that.

Shoebox: Besides which having to recap any Idol at all the day after the Michael Jackson verdict may not be strictly fair to either of us; major urge to achieve some sort of cosmic pop-culture justice happening, here, especially after Benedict starts giggling. In a camouflage-print jacket, which is the visual oxymoron of the century if I ever saw one.

Joe Dwarf: Aw, I think Ben has shown considerable improvement this year. He's moved from being an industrial-grade Hoover to a Dustbuster, and is also marginally less orange.

Shoebox: OK, I'll concede you the orange. Also there were some nice sincere moments with 'the kids' that I probably wasn't in the mood to appreciate at the time. I just wish he'd quit looking so satisfied with himself after every line in the dumb script. Yes, Benedict, we know you can read.

Blah-blah-blah if-you-just-beamed-in-from-Pluto-this-is-how-it-works-cakes. I can't really tell what Ben actually says here because as of press-time Shoemom still hasn't let me watch it without fast-forwarding.

Judges. Erm. Well, they are all here...but, um, they may not be technically all here, let's put it that way. Seems Ben's great plan for coming off all Edgy and Cool may have involved spiking their mugs with a big ol' handful of Prozac. Either that, or that 'conversation with Simon Fuller' Zack's been referencing lately actually went more like "Simon Fuller locked us in a small windowless room and forced us to watch video footage of AI until we were sobbing for mercy."

Joe Dwarf: They seemed to be holding themselves back from saying anything that might cause hurt feelings, or lowered ratings. I think Zack was under some sort of restraining order.

Shoebox: Or maybe not:
"Zack how did the tour go this year?"
"Oh, great, Ben, just great. Met a bunch of [my hockey heroes]..."
Then he settles back and flashes Benedict of Orange that Eeeevil little "Am I serious or not?" smile that I haven't seen since midway throughYear One. Probably only some sort of deep primeval reflex, but after sight of that camouflage I'll take whatever hope for this season I can get.

Farley - um, hello, Farley?:
"Do you think the contestants you've been seeing this season are more Idol-savvy?"
"Well, I'd hope they watched the show and knew what we were looking for..."
Riiiight. Why am I suddenly not filled with hope and promise?

Joe Dwarf: Dread? Check. Loathing? Check. Deep desire for medication? Double check. Nope, hope and promise seem sadly missing here as well.

Shoebox: Sass - assuming you can stay awake long enough (Shoemom: "She looks so old all of a sudden!"):
"Did giving out more gold tickets make it harder to sift the real talent?"
"Nahhh, in fact it made it easier."
Well, yeah, because on the video evidence the extra thirty or so were handed out mostly on days you-all were a)bored or b)drunk.

Jake...affecting little square-framed accountant glasses, waving to the crowd, and settling his cuffs with gusto:
"Do you really think these are the best singers out there?"
"Well, Ben [cuffs] I said it in an earlier show and I'll say it again here [cuffs], these are the best singers in Canada [thump table] and these 32 are the best of the best! [thump table]"
...Eek, ten minutes into the season and it's already time for my annual reminder that This Man Managed the Tragically Hip. For Twenty Years, Yet. Maybe Downie just kept him around as something to rant about, I dunno.

Well, anyway, past time to warm up the smarm. Ben tells the spotlite-bedazzled contestants that 'We did it all for you!" Ooh, crappy-looking tiered stage couches that look like you're recycling the fabric from the cozy private room from last year, the better to play us nervous kids like a trained seal act! Gee, I have no idea whatsoever why we aren't smiling, Benedict!

Matt Humphreys, Timmins, ON. Style: Early Kevin Smith Character, Assuming Kevin Smith Characters Ever Crinkle Their Noses. Explains earnestly to Ben that he thinks his 'solid performing experience' will really come in handy, and ten vid-bio seconds later is explaining earnestly to the rest of Canada that he's not sure at all what to do with himself without a guitar in his hands. When he subsequently talks (earnestly) about needing to 'get his head into it' I am wincing in sympathetic pain, let's put it that way.

Joe Dwarf: It's a little weird, because just looking at his expressions during the performance, you'd think he would actually be all snarky like a real Kevin Smith character. C'mon Matt, let out your inner Banky.

Shoebox: Chariot. Well...it sounds a lot better than it usually does in the parents' basement, I will definitely give him that. Relaxed, into the music, has a terrific warm rasp that sorta puts me in mind of Billy (after one of Benedict's sedative assaults, but still). Unfortunately there's this solid inner core of nice suburban slacker in our Mattie that is just totally preventing me from envisioning him performing anywhere else...OK, with the possible exception of his local beer'n'wings joint. Think I'll keep an ear cocked for the CD, though, just in case.

Joe Dwarf: The corduroy jacket over pink shirt look isn't exactly screaming Rock Star, is it? He sang well enough. I like that sort of understated presentation and it holds up under repeated listening. But it was totally the wrong thing to do for the top 32 - you're not building a fanbase here, you're trying to make a jawdropping first impression. Not so much with the dropping of jaws when people spend the first half wondering what the hell you're singing and the second waiting for the glory note that never comes. He has no prayer of going through.

Shoebox: Judges: Jake is massively peeved at the 'unfamiliar song'. Yeah, well, hot-shot veteran industry insiders can't be expected to listen to the radio, like, ten whole minutes a day. Lotsa snappy comebacks to polish, cuffs to settle, tables to thump.

Joe Dwarf: [Hangs head] I confess I'd never heard the song, either. Damned rapscallions and their newfangled radios.

Shoebox: Farley doesn't recognize the song either, which is a bit scarier. Uh, guys? I know Idol's a nice flashy gig and all, you get great clothes, but is it really worth throwing years of hard-earned self-respect down the toilet?

Sass, as per usual in the presence of an XY chromosome, just doesn't care: "You're a ton of talent from Timmins!" Zack, straight-faced: "I think Sass has a talent for alliteration." First of all, I thought that was Farley's special little schtick, and secondly, I don't recall asking you to actively share your pain with us, Werner.

Jenn Beaupre, Drumheller, AB. Style: Oh, many, many styles, according to the vid-bio...including several cribbed from Jenny Gear and one or two evidently gleaned from a planet all her very own. In fact, I'm not real sure she ever made it back. Because I lurve it when Idol contestants get the period costuming right - and because I'm pretty sure from the first glimpse of the cherry-red party frock that I'll never have to see her again this season - I am however stoic throughout.

Joe Dwarf: She's too much the judges' pet not to be back - look for Miss Sassy!Jazzy!ReallyShort! to be in the wildcard round.

Shoebox: Cheek to Cheek. OK, now I'm actually intrigued; thus far in this one segment I've been reminded of Jenny, my Barbie collection and Fred Astaire dancing with a vacuum cleaner, which is roughly 597899468 more brain cells engaged than usual for Idol performances let alone Group One. But performance originality? Please. It's Bette Midler's style, with possibly a side order of Ethel Merman in the vocals. Which means it's sassy, fun and splendidly energetic right to the end, and just on general principles it'd be great to have a contestant around who might break out the mermaid costume any moment...but that's not what Idol audiences signed on for. At least, not the female version.

Joe Dwarf: It was much too self-consciously "original" but if it's derivative, it's at least derivative of interesting stuff. I would love to see her stick around and see just what the hell she does on the theme nights but I think the best we can hope for is one more song in the wildcard. I can only hope she busts out her mermaid costume that night. Or maybe the french maid outfit.

Shoebox: Mm. Or given her obvious dismay - "They didn't like me!?" on this results show she may just pull an Elena and show up in a demure prom gown singing Andrew Lloyd Webber...hey, wait, Cats! Or Evita! or...

Judges...first three loved it, and I can't argue, albeit I really do wish Sass would quit speaking for 'us' like that. For one thing, I have never made those arm movements in my life except that one time on the Twister at the Ex. Zack probably called it way more accurately: "You've got a good chance of half of Canada asking 'What the hell was that'?!" (Exhibit A: Shoemom. "Aw, she's just trying way to hard to be weird, she thinks that's what everybody liked last year.")

Dianelys Hernandez, Saint John, NB by way of Cuba. Which - I can state with impunity, it being one of my very favourite cities - is just endlessly freakin' hilarious. Now she has to get through, so I can hear the vid-bio explanation. Style: Hi there, I'm Cuban! And I sing jazz! And I 'defected to Toronto'! Hey, given a chance to vote on which contestant I'd love to spend an afternoon hanging out with, I'm dialing till my fingers fall off.

Joe Dwarf: She looks like a lot of fun on the surface evidence but based on her reactions at the results show I'm guessing at least emotional high maintenance and possibly a little off the deep end. But for an afternoon? Hell yeah.

Shoebox: Summertime...Maybe we could discuss song selection. Bloody Pop-Culture Irony gods anyway. I mean, I always knew she was way wrong for Idol, you guys didn't have to add insult to Gershwin, eh? She's up there singing her butt off - maybe a wee bit too literally - singlehandedly raising the show's rating to PG-13 (occasionally R, when they cut below her waist), investing a lullaby with layers of fun and meaning it hasn't had since Lena Horne was current...and this audience, as Zack so helpfully points out, is all, "Yeah, yeah, cotton's high, what-evah."

Joe Dwarf: She does a fabulous job with "Summertime", although the accent was distracting. I can just hear her saying: "Say jyello to mah leetle frien'". In 12/8 time and a minor key, of course. I could see her or Jenn going through but two quirky jazz girls on one night - nope. I think of the two she'd have the better shot at the wildcard.

Shoebox: Yeah, because she can't possibly have two song choices that banal in her...can she?

The other three judges still have a few shreds of idealism yet and lurve it...but then again may not have actually been focussing on the song, exactly. If you get my drift. "Everyone around here knows I sweat at the drop of a hat...well, I sweat at - at - the drop of your voice! Can't even say it!" No kidding, Farley. Probably because your subconscious is selflessly trying to rescue us from the mental imagery. Which, what with Sass babbling about waterfalls and all, is deeply, deeply appreciated.

Joe Dwarf: You could call her stage moves "playfully sexy" or more accurately "letting loose her inner skank" - she may have to tone it down to avoid confusion.

Shoebox: Melody Bonicel, Montreal, QC. [or in Ben-speak, 'Meh-loh-deeee'] Style: Audrey's Serious Older Sister - honestly, you just know this woman won a scholarship at some point. Probably in pre-law. The language barrier doesn't help, except inasmuch as it crushes Ben's pretense of hipness for good and all. Funny, how the people who need his mad translation skillz inevitably turn out to be young and beautiful females.

Joe Dwarf: Well, slim anyways. That schnoz ain't doing her any favours.

Shoebox: All in Love is Fair. Well anyway, whatever it is, Meh-loh-deeee overall appears to be having a little difficulty adapting to the fact she's an Idol contestant. She has hands-down the most fascinating tone of the night, a rich smoky fluid sound that is just begging in tears for cabaret...and she's showing it off here for all the world as if it were just another job interview. Not a single remarkable artistic moment, conscious or not. Sad, really.

Joe Dwarf: My immediate impression was that there was nothing in her or her performance that is going to make anyone vote. Zack compared her to Karen Carpenter. Fair enough, that's another very talented bland singer that does nothing for me. Just listening to the vocal as I write this and not looking at her lifeless performance, I can't help but notice that wonderful tone though. She reminded me a bit of Joan Cusack playing the humourless mom/principal - "OK, I'll sing this, and I'll be very very good, but don't expect me or you to enjoy it!"

Shoebox: Judges: We're sorry, although we were impressed by your skills and commitment we just don't have a place for you in the organization right now. Thanks for your time, we'll keep you on file.

Darryl Brunt, Sudbury, ON. Style: Kalan at sixteen - no, ten - with Shane's voice. Or what will be Shane's voice. I hope. As it happens he also has Shane's tastes in musical theatre. But there is a certain fascination, whether slightly sick or not I haven't decided, in watching such an elegant solution to TPTB's perennial gender/marketing dilemma: a cute shy lip-biting boi-next-door who just happens to be totally in touch with his inner pop diva. Shoemom isn't sure from moment to moment whether to be repulsed ("But you gotta admit, it's a great voice." "It's a WOMAN'S voice!") or press child abuse charges.

Joe Dwarf: Daryl has definitely got the shy high school kid thing going for him along with the seriously good voice. It's like they crossed Kalan with Clay, shrunk him and sprinkled a little gay on top. He's going through, no question.

Shoebox: When You Believe. Y'know, seriously, that last glory note would make Mariah so proud. No really interesting emotive texture beyond what she provided, either, but given that the kid just figured out he has emotions about twenty minutes ago I'm not real surprised. [sigh] Just personally, I can think of a whole lot of better ways to spend my summer than chronicling Neil Sedaka Junior's every twang and trill... but believe me, I will be. I just hope the moment when his voice finally snaps (I call dibs on "smack in the middle of a big ol'glory note as his hair fills up with finale confetti" now to avoid the rush) will be worth it.

Joe Dwarf: I think he's going to implode from nerves before the voice gives.

Shoebox: Y'know, all snark aside, I really am not looking forward to John Stevens V redux. One night you just know Zack's gonna lose patience, then we'll hear a tinkling sound, and it'll be Darryl's self-esteem falling in millions of little teeny irretrievable shards onto the logo.

Judges: Well, Jake isn't moved, much, but Farley and Sass are predictably over the moon over the power of it all and Zack...thinks he 'has the most Star potential thus far'. I wish I could decide whether he's given up or just learned subtlety.

"I can hardly wait to hear you sing when you're seventeen, when you're eighteen, when you're..." Benedict, you're not helping.

Stephane Aubin, Edmonton, AB. Style: No, really. If Jenn there is from outer space, this guy's her shuttle pilot. Which is mildly interest-piquing, because just from his bio-photo I had been all set to sneer amusedly at Roch Voisine Jr, and instead I'm getting a francophone cowboy telling me deep meaningful tree stories. Hey, individuality and tall dark good looks, two of my very favourite things in Idol contestants not named Jacob.

Georgia...oh, crud, Stephane is from the Hoggard School of Genre-Hopping, too. Lots more voice, but way less coherence. Dude's up there channeling about eight different performers, and he's getting lousy reception. Was just starting to feel the last third just might be real...and then comes the chest-clutch, and suddenly he's just another cute Idol goofball. [sigh] At least the amused sneer got a good warmup after all.

Joe Dwarf: Assorted girls have assured me that Stephane is very cute. He's certainly charming. I'm not sure whether his status as a francophone from Alberta will attract both groups or alienate them. Dude has a great voice but I hated this incoherent, smarmy, yelly performance. Stephane has about as much soul as Ben does.

Shoebox: Well, at least is third-place finished confirmed a lot of my long-held suspicions about this show's key demographics. Or maybe I'm just bitter because I wanted Matt on that chair instead.

Judges: What the hey, he's a nice guy and he's got as great voice, let's put him through. Zack: "It's hard to go off on people tonight and say anything except for that we got really good folks and people either dig it or they don't. It's not my taste but I think it will be a lot of other people's."

...OK, my money's on given up.

"Y'know, I've been bringing the cheese for a long time now...and it works very well for me." Uh...[pause for brief internal struggle re: guns and barrels of poor innocent fishies]...uh, yes, Benedict, works like a charm, you bet. (On Shoemom, for instance: "He gets more like his dad every year!")

Ashley Letaio, Burnaby, BC. Style: Heh. See Ashley. Isn't Ashley pretty, voters? See Ashley bubble about Disney songs. Bubble bubble bubble. See Ashley hug her momma. Hug hug hug. See the dollar signs light up in TPTB's eyes, ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching. Shoemom: "I can see the doll now..."

Colours of the Wind. OK, so the princess herself seems basically unaware she's being mentally cast in From Kalan to Ashley as we speak. There is in fact a sort of transparent down-to-earth sweetness about the girl that translates brilliantly to her vocals, that allows the emotion to just flow silky-smooth...'course, this isn't exactly a bumpy song to begin with, or anything. Zack may well be absolutely right re: potential...ut it'll take more than mouse songs (or, I know with resigned certainty, Celine songs) for me to decide if I care.

Joe Dwarf: I had high hopes for Ashley as she pretty much tore up everything in her auditions. I think "Colours of the Wind" is a smart choice for this show but it bores me to tears. The fact that she backstories about how much she loves the song and seems sincere makes me think she will continue to bore me to tears. Where is the girl who slayed Walking After Midnight? Bring her back and please, please step away from the Disney. Anyways, in case I wasn't clear she has a lovely voice but I think nerves got to her, this sounded a little tentative. It will be her or Stephane for the second spot. She might get through on looks alone.

Shoebox: Walkin' After Midnight Really? You mean like maybe she was Pocahontas in her school pageant or something and just needed to get it out of her system? OK, I feel less shamelessly manipulated now. Still think she's eventually destined for pretty-pinkness, though.

Judges: Three variants on 'not what you could be', and one Zack flabbergasted like he hasn't been since Theresa auditioned: "I think you have a ton of talent, your career is set in stone, you're money in the bank, you're a Star..."
Jake: "You finished now?"
Zack: "Oh, I could go on for another five minutes..."
Jake: "Oh, yeah, we know that! That's set in stone! You've got a great future as a talker!" He can't quite seem to stop himself. It's kind of like Tourettes with toolishness instead of swearing.

Cher(yl) Maendel, Winnipeg, MB. Style: If Ashlee Simpson suddenly revealed Cher as her role model. I dunno, apparently she tore up all kinds of fab in the audition/Top 100, but on the evidence here I get the distinct feeling she's not so much 'born to do this' as that since she was born everyone's been too afraid to disillusion her. At any rate, girlfriend is working way too hard at being loose. On Canadian Idol. Just as a quick example, the clip in the vid-bio, about how she "finally showed [the judges] I can sing!!"? Should not have quite that triumphant a ring to it. (Now, if it'd been "Finally showed them I can walk in stilettos!!", that I woulda bought.)

Joe Dwarf: That's a good example - she thought she tore it up in that audition but if I could read the judges mind at that point I'd bet I'd hear "she'll make good cannon fodder". She sang passably well in auditions but didn't stand out at any point, except where she forgot her lyrics in the duet with Jenner.

Shoebox: Bohemian Rhapsody...OK, so she's feeling the song...and hates it, evidently. Seriously, this is about the worst stomping I've seen Queen receive since my sister's last karaoke party. You're up there rocking the Mercury with all your little heart and soul, and all anybody can concentrate on is the crappy flat notes, that's another big sign that this might not, in fact, be your birthright. In fact, as far as I can tell, you're not even that savvy an Idol contestant. Next.

Joe Dwarf: I guess she decided to go for broke. And break she did. This is the only performance that comes close to complete failure. It's flat in a bunch of places. The transition from the slow part to the rocking part is awkward in the extreme. The fast part didn't really work at all - it may have been better acappella than with the piano accompaniment. She tries to inject a lot of energy into it but it just comes off forced. Plus the scraggly hair, T-shirt and jeans hanging half off her ass aren't doing her any favours. She looks a little bit like Lucy Lawless caught shopping at Walmart. Any votes she gets will be due to being in the pimp spot and being the only person to pick anything vaguely rock/uptempo.

Shoebox: Judges: Are also not buying it, especially not vocally. "What you lack in skill you make up for in exuberance!" Well, y'know, stopped clocks and Sass. Also Zack's telling her 'at least nobody can say you didn't go for it!' which I'm pretty sure is this year's version of for "Please, woman, we gave you the pimp-slot, now will you just give it UP."

Subway recap? ie, I have to put up with Jared the Smug every second commercial break? Oh, thank you so bloody much, Idol TPTB. OK, so montage of Darryl and Ashley and everybody else we don't care about. Viewers, start yer fingers! In whatever direction!