And you thought it didn't get any funnier!
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Jen: I wanted a German guy, but all I got was Hesper!
Jill: Math likes everyone. Too many people just turn their backs on it.
Marcia: I forgot which hole to use!
Andrea: ...I get my jollies from the foot fetish kid.
*Driving by signs for the state park near Waterloo*
Me: We should check out that state park sometime.
Amy: I wonder what it's like?
Me: Flat.
Allison: Metal good, wood bad.
OG: Boo! Boo to the queen of inferior musical ability!
Jon (watching Sound of Music): Oh, sure, they just happen to know the chord.
Me; They know the notes to sing. They can sing most anything!
Liz: What's a novice?
Sarah: A fresh nun who has not been nunnified.
Emily: Why isn't my name Itzhak?
Trina: ...and we're from Luther...I mean, I have to leave. *pretends to jump from moving car*
Sue: Teacher's lounge--that's an oxymoron!
Sue: Smile, it causes confusion!
Sue: If I had a brain, I'd be dangerous.
Trina: I know that's a lot of Ticheli, but Frank-ly I don't mind.
Me: Mrs. McPeake, your nipple is showing.
Trina: That's what my fermata that I drew on the board looked like!
Trina: The C stands for common time. And what is the most common time, do you suppose?
Alex (6th grade tubist): Twelve o' clock!
Trina: I'm such a dork.
Me: Melanie gets it from you.
Trina: Oh, she already had the dork in her! I just maybe brought it out of her a little.
Trina: This is what I learned in college, saxophone boys are not to be trusted!
Melanie: I sprayed myself.
Melanie: Paperclip! Paperclip!
Marcia: Hey, let's go rape the pizza boy!
Melanie: Duh, freakin' duh!
*Marcia, Melanie and I are sitting in the student center talking. Greg walks by.*
Greg: Hey you guys, this isn't the FAC!
Dr. Survilla: Doohickey. That's a technical term, you might not be ready for it.
Uncle Rob (after just about everything that anyone said): I'll drink to that!
Megan: I told them to bring us a whole pitcher because we'd probably drink a lot.
Jess G: Haven't you ever played that game before?
Me: Huh?
Jess: There is a pink skittle somewhere in your car.
Marcia: ...and sol fa fa fa...yeah.
Bre: Sorry Grandma, your ass is out and Chaz's ass is in!
Amy D: You should never test a guy--they ALWAYS fail!
Steevo38: take off your away message
Auto response from Steevo38: Who needs sleep when you have the FAC?
HornPlayinMormon: 'tay
HornPlayinMormon: but I'm not taking my shirt off
Steevo38: then what am i talking to you for?
HornPlayinMormon: My brilliant personality?
Steevo38: i'm a guy...we don't care about those things
Braden: Melanie, you need a beer.
Amy: I hate crazy bitches!
Todd: We suck at counting.
Hesper: I need more hose.
Me: Ooh, pick me! Pick me!
Holly: Melanie is like a gateway drug!
Doc: They should have clothes on! ...Torkelson, students, and naked statues. Why does this not surprise me?
Tork: And we're talking about pornography!
Melanie (having a staring contest with Alek. She's wearing glasses.): My contacts are starting to get scratchy!
Alek: I like spring. It's my favorite time of season.
Hesper: What time is it?
Kyle: Nine. Ten. Nine o'ten.
Doc: The money is el shotto. That's Spanish for crapped out.
Hesper: Hey, can I have my keys back now?
Me: I don't have them! You want to strip search me?
Megan: I do!
Doc: What purpose do the horns have?
Sam: To make it pretty.
Doc: Start at B. B. Start at C for dog. Start at C!
Amy: My face is dryer than a dry erase board!
Marcia: Melanie, last time you said yay, you didn't know what you were doing and we both got screwed!
Marcia: I love you, Trina.
Trina: Yeah, but you haven't known me that long.
Melanie: That Meistersinger piece is har-ar-ard!
Marcia: I need help.
Melanie: I know!
Dr. Survilla: You guys are just like my kids! They're cute too though...
Me: They must take after their father!
Lauren: If you can imagine like 15 people with the same laugh as me, that's a Semler Christmas.
Sarah: I'd like to spread you on a bagel!
Alek: You are quite possibly the strangest person i have ever known, and may need serious mental help.
Marcia: Wait, what note is that? C-minus?
Christy: My boobs are so fake there! I bought them.
Chris: But Bert and Ernie just have paperclips and bottlecaps.
Todd: And anal sex.
Doc: Me no likee that chord!
Me and Amy: We're band nerds!
Doc: I resent that! Actually, I represent that.
Marcia: Are you really stressed today?
Dr. Survilla: Yeah, actually...
Marcia: Yeah, I had a rough night too.
Dr. Survilla: Would you like to tell us about it, Marcia?
Holly: ...and he used to be a truck driver and I think he got beat up a lot!
Melanie: I want to dress up as a sperm when I grow up!
Sarah: I just want to hit him in the head!
Hesper: Hey guys, I'm on drugs!
Bre: Cause of death=Grandma making me laugh all the time when I'm trying to swallow!
Sarah: Wait, did you just say anything important?
Megan: Not for doggies!
Me: We just modulated into a whole different song. Can you even do that?
Dr. Survilla: Yeah...it's called a medley.
*Dr. Survilla is complaining about the cold*
Amy: You know where it came from--Canada!
*We proceed to sing O Canada*
Amanda: Seriously, where's the ham? I want some!!!
Carl Raye: There was so many white folks in there that I thought I died and went to Utah!
Me: What? It says 'State ID Required'...mine is from Wisconsin!
Melanie: Wisconsin is a state.
Katie S: What are we learning today?
Katie P: How to stay awake!
Braden: And that guy who looks like a fourteen-year-old girl is my brother. We love each other very much.
*insert Alek's insanely long middle finger*
Hesper: Grandma's a ho!
Bre: I'm so freaking hungry! Where's grandma?
Megan: Maybe I like sucking on bamboo!
Kevin: I've worn enough dresses in my lifetime!
Dr. Jones (talking to the overhead): Back, foul beast!
Melanie: I have to go do homework.
Marcia: What? It's Wednesday night. Nobody does Melanie on a Wednesday night!
Melanie: Tell me to shut up so I do my homework!
Melanie: Sweet, we're sight reading new music today! It's like Christmas!
Amy: The walls are ugly.
Me: It has character...
Amy: Of a psychiatric ward!
Amy (reading biology): Yay, we get to study poop!
Me: My number is 608-712...
Amy: Your mom, your mom, your mom, your mom.
Me: They're crazy because they're all inbreds.
Melanie (a minute later): Oh, you mean the squirrels!
Me: What did you think I meant?
Melanie: People in Waverly...
Val: What are you up to?
Me: Telling Lauren she's a sexy beast.
Val: Don't lie to her like that!
Dr. Jones: It's really easy to go to Hell in some churches!
Dr. Jones: I like hats too, ever since I became partially bald.
Dr. Hancock: Also write down if you're allergic to anything, like cats, smoke,
Tammy: Braden.
Dr. Survilla: How about you, Sarah, you look done.
Marcia: Sucker!
Marcia: We should just drive away.
Hesper: Yeah, because I really want to get arrested.
Me: Ha, Hesper likes whips and handcuffs!
Army Chris: You're a music major, right?
Amy: Music therapy.
Army Chris: I'm sorry.
Amy: Close enough.
Army Chris: No, I'm sorry you're a music therapy major.
Dr. Survilla: Don't look so frightened, Marcia, they're only arrows!
Beka: ...as we all know, Dennis Kucinich is really an insane cartoon character who escaped and ran away to Washington.
Kyle: That's what college is all about--slip on shoes!
Cory: That lady looks like Gimli!
Me: And this Jamaican guy asked me if I had a girlfriend back home...
Hesper: You mean boyfriend?
Me: Huh?
Me: It was justn't in tune.
Katey: I wonder how he grades drums?
Me: I'd give you an A!
Katey: Yeah, you would. That's because I put out.
Marcia: I just kicked my theory butt's test. ...Let's try that again. Theory butt kicked me.
*someone opens the door to the Mensa and walks in*
Marcia: Whoa, how'd you do that?
Hannah (in the Steve's Harold): Never step on a duck's left-hand finger.
Katey: Allison, I worry about you with those sticks. All you do is hit yourself in the head with them.
Hesper: I finished my ten-page paper. It's almost seven pages!
Amy: Ooh, donuts!
Katey: Donuts, nobis, pacem pacem...
Mindy: When in doubt, file a lawsuit!
Elder Garner: Here's a straw, so you can suck it up!
Me: Mom, you're forgetting what Christmas is all about!
Dad: Shopping!
Julie: So you're home by yourself?
Me: Well, it's just me and my puppy.
Julie: Who's your puppy? ...oh, you mean your dog!
Scott: Good thing I have a backup alarm clock...Sarah Swanson.
Robbie: Yeah, Scott, who eats ham for turkey day?
Me: You turkey rights activist! Poultry hugger! You friend of fowl!
Robbie: You're a fowl friend Scott!
Amy: I'm going over to Scott's room
Me: Remember who you are!
Amy: I am a child of God...and God LOVES me today!
Hesper: Remember that time when Alek's voice cracked?
Alek: The fuselage is still intact.
Me: I don't speak French.
Alek: It's not French, and yes you do.
*Alek and Chris start laughing like Frenchmen, and Alek chokes*
Chris: Yeah French laughing sucks doesn't it?
Megan: Does anyone know who (insert someone's name) is?
Melanie: What does she look like?
Megan: I don't know, but I'm trying to find out because I have to kill her for this assassination game we're playing.
Angie: We've got a little naked dude here!
Dr. Survilla: We can't use iii chords yet, we haven't even touched them.
David: We've been oppressed! Let's go smoke dope and burn bras and grow long hair.
David: Let's make it an F major 7.
Dr. Survilla: We're not ready for 7 chords.
David: Now I just feel impotent!
Hesper: What makes Indiana Jones so hot?
Bre: I think it's the whip.
Hesper: Whips are fun.
Beka: For example, today I not only learned what my eternal purpose was, I learned how to say "badmiton" in Chinese
Beka: What the bloody hells would I do with a silly little mustache? Throw it at people? Ha HA! Take that! The Silly Little Mustache of DOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
Emma: oh crap!
Me: crap you!
Emma: think of your own thing to say! i said crap first!!!!! lol jk
Me: Chicken nuggets!!!!!!!!!!!
Emma: Pickles with CHEESE!!!!!!!!!! ontop of them, deep fryed! Beat that!!! lol
Me: Fromage, lightly breaded and sauteed in a chocolate-raspberry vinagrette sauce.
WITH a cherry on top.
Emma: ice cream, and 1 cup of lemon juice, with 28.546 olives, mixed by hand, until, light and creammy then add 2 pounds of butter with about 3/4 of a cup of salt, and just a pinch a pepper, mix untill well blended pour into pan and cook at 400 decrees 4 20 minuts
Me: Follow above instructions until you have a nice bundt cake. Then apply 37 pounds of makeup to your face, sacrifice a chicken and dance naked in the woods until the next full moon, eat a maple leaf, take a shower three times, then return to the kitchen (cake should be cool by now) and remove from pan. Take 72 chicken breasts, marinate, and smoke. Dice into small pieces and sprinkle onto cake. Make a light glaze out of rosemary, the hair of a newborn unicorn, and your mom. Serve at 712 degrees Farenheit with a garnish of pie. WHERE MY PIE???
Amy: Tus padres llamaron...ah crrrrrap.
Some elder somewhere: It doesn't matter, they think we're Jehovah's Witnesses!
Mara: Ow! Smite you!
Me: Can we get a little Christmas tree for me to put in our room here?
Dad: Oh, we'll get you one. We'll just go cut the top off of somebody's tree in their yard.
Kitty: I'm just too lazy to put pants on.
Kitty: 'Morning Jeremy! Can I feel your pants?
Me (on the phone): Guess what we sang in our concert today?
Amy: Your mom. *singing* Praise your mom! Praise your mo-o-om! Praise your mom! Oh, oh praise your mom!
Jill: OH my goodness, you're standing right there!
Melanie: What is the heck...?
Dr. Bane (on Freud's theory of personality development)
It's not like little boys are sitting there playing with legos, thinking "I hope my dad doesn't cut off my penis today!"
It is fundamentally good to have a penis.
When s little girl gets her easy-bake oven, it's helping her to get over her penis envy issues.
Dad: Oh, that makes sense. If you're a saint you should be dead.
Me: Grr, this is another violin! I wanted the one with vocals!
Christy: It's okay...
Me: It's not okay, because violins don't speak French!
Me: What should I talk about for FHE on Monday?
Emma: YOUR MOM
Elder Reyes: FOOOOOOD!!
Me: Want some pop tarts? I could get them to you in about four hours.
Elder Reyes: I'd settle for you on a paper plate. With chocolate.
Burgundy: Are you a Mormon? Well come back when you are!
Alex: I'm not a moron, but can I still talk to you?
Amy: And I said what about breakfast in the Mensa?
*1 minute later when I realize I left my keys in the room*
Me: And I said what about bringing my keys with!
Amy: I said I think that's a good idea
Me: As I recall I think they really work well...
Amy: Okay, I'll just go to the bathroom and crap.
Amy: I'm...da da da?
Elder Reyes: I was a good Mormon until you joined the Church!
Elder Reyes: Read my lips. CHEESE!
Me: Brother Hutchinson watches the weather channel.
Sis. Hutchinson: Yeah, he does. Hey Julie! Come look at this radar!
Somebody: Her butt looks like a pop can.
Me: What does my butt look like?
Elder Reyes: Ever heard of Mount Rushmore?
Me: Step away from the sex!
Teagan: Why did you come here?
Vanessa: Because my planet blew up.
Hannah: Why would you ever buy corn when you live in Iowa?
Mara: ooohh, you two are the same age! We could get some eternal companionship going on!
Eric: It isn't a stick, it's a bladeless knife!
Mara: Wasn't Joseph the guy with the coat?
Mara: You can have some sheep if I can get with you.
Katie: Is there a reason for this hostility, Sera? Have I ever shown you anything but love, and sex?
Amy: She was a nasty pregnant lady!
Melinda: I'm walking out of the building without practicing. I'm leaving in sin!
Kent: And your name is...
Me: Oh, come on.
Kent: Sorry, I'm dumb!
Me: I'm hurt!
Kent: I know! You're hurt and I'm dumb!
Mara: We have a new guy--he's cute. And he's a RM!
Me: That's awesome!
Mara: Yeah, awesome for *you*
Me: What? I'm 18!
Mara: Yeah, he's 21. That's not that big an age difference. If you were 12, that would be a big age difference.
Amy: Go do that quick. We'll be right he. er.
*we both laugh for a really long time*
Amy: I don't know what happened!
*In pep band, the next day*
Me: So when do we get to the part where Tammy takes her pants off?
Tammy: Hey! I'm never taking my pants off ever again!
*This one's even funnier if you understand that it happened during pep band in the bleachers during a pep rally.*
Tammy Joe: Okay guys, I'm going to take off my pants now but don't be afraid!
Steve: Tammy, when has you taking your pants off ever made me afraid?
Steve: Well, I figure death can't be that bad because even the wimps do it
Elder Reyes: Oh no, she's in love!
Me: I wouldn't go that far...
Elder Reyes: You're not getting any younger!
Mara: He's holding up my horns so you can see that I'm a true Mormon.
Suzanne: Are we doing anything, guys?
Me: We could count stars together! Then we'd know how many children Abraham has.
Suzanne (looking at the sky): One...I'm done.
Me: You forgot Ishmael!
Dude on stage: Wow, you're a strange group.
Theo, yelling from the audience: You have no idea!
Me: Did something blow up in here?
Meredith: Yeah, the vaccuum!
Me: It smells wonderful...
Meredith: Yeah, that's why the door's open--so the hallway can smell wonderful too!
Tammy Joe: My dad is el farmo del muerto. I just say that because it's the only thing I know how to say in Spanish. ˇFiesta del muerto!
Amy: Pshah your mom!
Meredith: It's not highway cleanup, it's HI-way cleanup. HI-way!
Alek (while band was doing highway cleanup): If you see something that looks like a crystal meth lab, don't pick it up!
Amanda: HOLY car coming!
Kate: ..it's going to be fun. Because I like throwing up...
Kelly: Yo tengo calor. I mean frio.
Andrea: Sunny days, chasing the clouds away, on my way to where the air is clear, can you tell me how to get, how to get to music theory?
Josh: I don't like that! I wanna go to sesame street!
Dr. Survilla: Does everyone understand that? Lie and say yes!
Kate: Hey, is it your birthday today?
Someone down the hall: What? No...
Kate: Well happy birthday anyway!
Steve: Hey, I just realized my butt's all wet. What's up with that?
Me: You not Mahonnah! You ugly though!
Jessica: Hey Prozac, what's up?
Me: I want to be Aaaaaa-mish!
Me: An impending doom chord!
Dr. Survilla: The augmented one is doomy too!
Amy: Are you sure I didn't say fart?
Me: No, I'd recognize your fart anywhere.
Katie (playing trombone on a really fast song): My arm hurts!
Dr. Hancock: Your arm hurts? Well use your wrist. Just don't let go, or you'll kill like 3 people!
Me: When's your paper due?
Amy: Tomorrow, but it's just a rough draft.
Me: Well just write a bunch of crap then.
Amy: I have been writing a bunch of crap! I can't write any more crap, I'm crapped out!
Dr. Bane: If you were to blow that up and turn it into a stupid graphic, this is what it would look like.
Amy: Here's the thing that matches.
Me: Know what else matches?
Amy: Your mom?
Me: *belch*
Amy: Oh man, I was way off! It was either "your mom" or that.
Amy: Are you going to tired?
Me: Oops, I forgot to take my drugs.
Amy: What are you taking?
Me: Zyrtec.
Amy (giving me a weird look): Really? I would have never guessed!
Me: What are you talking about?
Amy: You're always so bubbly.
Me (after a confused pause): Not Zoloft, Zyrtec!!
Amy: Oh, what's Zyrtec for?
Me: Allergies!
Me: I have a question for you. What's the capital of Uzbekistan?
Tammy Joe: Um...your mom?
Tammy Joe: How do you get a mullet? Do you have to apply for one or something?
Amy, yelling out the window at two squirrels: Are you married? Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler!
