STAR HUM FAE

      hi.umm... i guess this will somewhat serve as a type of diary. in a way. january 24th 2004. i attend California Institute of the Arts, since 2001. i am only a BFA2, mostly because i took one year off, due to financial situations. so i should be serving my 3rd year. so that makes everything a bit more complicated than it should be. i wouldnt have to worry so much about finding another art school, being that i still have two years left, and need to move out of southern california. ive been working on music, solo projects, and other collaborations with friends. matt petroski, who just moved to be a part of the navy...we were writing such great music. it was so amazing. we started playing shows, and then i met ryan, and all three of us rented out studio space and played there. it was such a dream. but then matt left. various reasons. hes not the type of person to want to be involved with such a thing as the navy. but, i wont get into that, because thats his personal life. anyhow, i am going to CalArts and studying photography. it is my main passion, besides making music. i have also been getting involved with film and video. mostly just video work, because ryans SUper 8 camera is in the shop. but once that is fixed, i am going to start shooting a few films, which will be derived from a few screenplays that i have written over the past two years. so, that will work out beautifully, im sure. ryan is my boyfriend. we will be together for one year, once april 12th hits. he moved in here 6 months ago, with me at my grandmothers house here in panorama city. i have lived here a total of one year and oh my shite...one year and 7 months??? wow. thats so weird. living at my parents house..well, i moved here because of things that occured at my parents house, that i dont feel is appropriate to speak of. but, i do miss my old room there. and lets see....all of my best friends moved up north to humboldt. and its hurts me every day, and every second that i am not there with them. not that i really wish to live up there, i just want to be around them. i miss them terribly. also i want them to get to know ryan, and ryan to know them. just because its so important to me. i met ryan, after jaryd and i....stopped speaking and lost touch, one year ago exactly. jaryd and i were together..on and off...strangely in love...for four years.anyhow, thats alot to get into for this entry. so i may get back to the whole thing with jaryd. but me and ryan met back in march 2003. we worked together at second spin, down in studio city. we were shy and in love with eachother before we even first hung out. i had the biggest crush on him....and was so shy and scared to even speak to him at work. after a few months of working there with him, i kept telling him that we needed to hang out and write music. we had exchanged music earlier and agreed that it would be great to collaborate. i had no intentions of getting him to like me, or anything of that sort. i just mainly wanted to know him as a person. so, we hung out once at my place here at my grammas. talked. then, hung out at his apartment in studio city. then, the second time we hung out at his apartment...well, we were just talking about relationships and then admitted to eachother that we liked oneanother, and that was that. a few months later he moved in here with me, and now we are desperatly trying to save money, stay positive and healthy, and get out of southern california. cuz its a joke here. valencia, everytime i go up there to go to school or visit my parents...i get so depressed yet perfectly content at the same time. i grew up there most of my life. had so many horrible and beautiful experiences there. im obsessed with the past simply. and one day, i wish to grow up more, and lead my own life and love the past for what it is.....not wish that the past was the present. i havent seen my fathers side of the family in 6 years now. i hope to visit them sometime this summer hopefully. im sitting here at my computer now, obviously. the cars drive by my window, on a residential street at 60 miles an hour. im not joking. ive been run off the road and almost killed about 5 or 6 times now. ive seen cars crash into parked cars outside my window and then just drive off. ive heard gunshots in the night air, of the backyard here. a boy got shot last week, down the street on van nuys in front of mc donalds. a woman also got shot, while in her house around christmas while decorating her christmas tree. its really horrible down here. everyone listens to rap and drives scary fast cars and trucks. i dont live in la, i live in mexico. its disgusting down here. i dont have anything against different races. this isnt about that. its about the culture down here. its really sad. i have a dog named kitties. she is now three years old. she has white hair, is a teacup poodle, and currently sports a lovely purple mowhawk. i have two rats named miss fish and fuzzums. ryans cat also lives here, his name is futbol. he eats way too much..everything. haha!! i guess thats all for now. im sure ive said way too much already. but i have to say, i love writing, especially about my life and experiences. diaries. my favorite thing. besides dictionaries, cold rainy days, thai food, camping, music, art, painting, creating, and getting tattoos!! well, thats all fer tonight. i think im going to have a cigarette. i plan to quit quite soon. this weekend actually. i havent bought a pack in a month now. but ryan still does, so i might as well smoke..right? i dont know. i would love to give it up. i hate smoking. as much as i love it. so, goodnite. 10:50pm

is life only about waiting? please tell me im wrong.

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      i hear nothing. only the shadows on the wall.